This Topic is Locked
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 4:20 AM on Saturday, May 28th, 2022
"Well, little one," said a Tree to a Reed that was growing at its foot, "why do you not plant your feet deeply in the ground, and raise your head boldly in the air as I do?"
"I am contented with my lot," said the Reed. "I may not be so grand, but I think I am safer."
"Safe!" sneered the Tree. "Who shall pluck me up by the roots or bow my head to the ground?" But it soon had to repent of its boasting, for a hurricane arose which tore it up from its roots, and cast it a useless log on the ground, while the little Reed, bending to the force of the wind, soon stood upright again when the storm had passed over.
People who run their life based on dogma proffered under any guise - will be the Tree.
People who run their life interpreting the dogma as a general guide, not an edict, will be the Reed.
Going forward which do you and your spouse choose?
[This message edited by Hippo16 at 4:31 AM, Saturday, May 28th]
Sakura2 (original poster new member #80318) posted at 5:39 AM on Saturday, May 28th, 2022
Well the dogma I believe is irrefutable so whichever one goes with that
darkwof ( new member #72641) posted at 6:21 AM on Saturday, May 28th, 2022
Former cheating dog here. We can't go back in time and change what we did but we can try to be better to those who love us. Try to be his best buddy and be there for him. This is going to be long and hard. It will be the time to put big girl pants on. In my faith one of suits and ties said this (Adultery) is the hardest test a marriage can face. Now I will add but it can be won.
Sakura2 (original poster new member #80318) posted at 3:36 AM on Sunday, May 29th, 2022
I wrote my children a fairly long letter and then each an individual one. I hope they will at least read it.
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:00 AM on Sunday, May 29th, 2022
Sakura, why did you choose this as your SI name? What does it mean to you?
ETA: Cherry blossoms are the start of spring (rebirth, renewal) here.
[This message edited by leafields at 6:06 AM, Sunday, May 29th]
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
Sakura2 (original poster new member #80318) posted at 8:49 PM on Sunday, May 29th, 2022
My husband and I like Naruto, Sakura is one of my favorite characters. We watched the new episodes every week from 2002 to 2017
darkwof ( new member #72641) posted at 8:24 PM on Monday, May 30th, 2022
I like Shippuden better than the original. But good choice I never picked up on it.
Sakura2 (original poster new member #80318) posted at 8:36 PM on Monday, May 30th, 2022
Something was bothering my husband yesterday and I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. It was my rings. He wanted to know if I wore them during the oral and if they touched his penis. Obviously I broke down and cried. I did wear them during but they didn't touch him at all. I've gotten rid of everything I wore that day and he wants to sell them and buy me new ones. I didn't have the best reaction to this I actually got upset with him and said no he was shocked I did that and said "I'm not playing these games with you, you get rid of them, donate, sell, I don't care. I was going to buy you new ones but now you deal with it. Bet you feel really good about yourself keeping signs of your vows that hurt me everytime I see them" and he left. I started getting appraisals for them. My thought process was that if he did leave me I'd still have them to remember everything we had before I ended it. Not even thinking about his perspective that it's a symbol of the vows I trampled and a constant reminder of the sex
darkwof ( new member #72641) posted at 10:09 PM on Monday, May 30th, 2022
Wow, that is a hard corner there to be in. I don't like what im about to put out there but if you have family you cold give them the rings to "watch over" and you could say you donated them. I don't like this cause you want to build trust. Just a thought, you may need to just ditch them or put them in a safety deposit box.
BraveSirRobin ( Moderator #69242) posted at 10:38 PM on Monday, May 30th, 2022
I don't like what im about to put out there but if you have family you cold give them the rings to "watch over" and you could say you donated them. I don't like this cause you want to build trust.
Then why on earth would you suggest it? Lying to her BS would be ironclad proof of continued wayward thinking and deceptive, avoidant, self-justifying behavior.
darkwof ( new member #72641) posted at 11:15 PM on Monday, May 30th, 2022
Its a hard call either way as I said she may have to bite the bullet and get rid of them.
Sakura2 (original poster new member #80318) posted at 11:31 PM on Monday, May 30th, 2022
Yeah... I'm not going to do that
forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 11:31 PM on Monday, May 30th, 2022
I think you need to try and understand why you kneejerked to say "no". He has a point about the symbolism (my wife and I spoke about melting the rings and just burying them). But you really, in my opinion, need to figure out how to create a space to think correctly about your reactions. My IC suggested (and it helped us) to ask for time before answering emotionally triggering questions - specifically so we could work through the trigger and answer as the person we want to be rather than using old & broken motivations.
Also, yea, don't lie about stuff.
[This message edited by forgettableDad at 11:32 PM, Monday, May 30th]
Sakura2 (original poster new member #80318) posted at 7:20 PM on Tuesday, May 31st, 2022
He's already sold his, he hasn't taken it off in maybe 12 years. Seeing the depth of his pain and frustration to do that hurts but I know it doesn't compare
darkwof ( new member #72641) posted at 8:35 AM on Thursday, June 2nd, 2022
In the end the rings are just things, what matters is you 2 getting to a better place in this. I think it will be hard but in the end I have hope your family will come back together. Right now all you can do is be the best remorseful wife/friend to him and mom to the kids.
66charger ( member #69471) posted at 4:46 PM on Thursday, June 2nd, 2022
Shopping for new wedding rings could have been a HUGE positive for your reconciliation. Compare that with shopping for a divorce attorney.
You should rethink your thought process on this, if it isnt too late.
[This message edited by 66charger at 5:13 PM, Thursday, June 2nd]
Sakura2 (original poster new member #80318) posted at 11:23 PM on Thursday, June 2nd, 2022
I agree. I just said what I thought, which according to by BH actually helped (in this specific instance) because it showed my true feelings. I'm a very uh blunt person, as everyone here knows. I say what I mean and mean what I say. My confession to my husband was "I'm a stupid whore who sucks dick" I bring this up because during my ongoing betrayal with messages and up until I met my AP I compartmentalized everything and my counselor says this is was a complete contradiction to my behavior I had for the rest of my life beforehand. For example on my way to finalize my betrayal I was excited about going home to watch a new episode of a show we liked.
I just wanted to update since writing it helps. Next week I'm going to be talking to my counselor about my childhood
Sakura2 (original poster new member #80318) posted at 8:46 PM on Friday, June 3rd, 2022
What is the best way to go about interacting with my husband's anger? He bottles it up and let's it out because he doesn't want to be like that. When he does let it all out it's mostly name calling mixed with sarcastic remarks. I listen and understand his perspective as well as reassure him and apologize. Sometimes he wants that and other times he wants me to leave him alone. Today I went to IC so I let him know like I have been and he asked "how does that compare to dick? Surely dick would make you feel better about yourself. Did you?..... Yeah that's what I thought. bye" and I just left after apologizing. I understand he's in pain and objectively he is right though my question is just how do I best know when to comfort him or leave him be?
EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 10:20 PM on Friday, June 3rd, 2022
my question is just how do I best know when to comfort him or leave him be?
Focus on fixing you.
Also, I'm having a hard time understanding why you insist on being so graphic. Isn't it enough to just say "hurtful remarks"? We know he talks gross about you, we know you talk gross about yourself. Maybe it's the same thing. Who knows.
You have some seriously shitty coping mechanisms. You have some seriously distorted thinking. Focus on identifying the distorted thinking that has brought you to where you are (where ever that is) and start taking concrete steps to change it.
FOCUS ON FIXING YOU.
Me: WS (61)
Him: Shards (56)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11
We’re going to make it.
WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 10:27 PM on Friday, June 3rd, 2022
What is the best way to go about interacting with my husband's anger?
I will be honest, I’m not sure how to give you advice about this, or at least I’m not sure if you will listen to the advice that you are given. There are seven pages here, most of which has been really good advice about digging deep and figuring out your why’s.
Saying you liked the attention isn’t digging deep. You have had posters explain to you what that looks like, yet it continues to be your default. Your other default is calling yourself "a stupid whore that likes dick" isn’t helpful either.
You can feel bad about what you have done all day long, but it doesn’t change anything unless you do the heavy work to figure out how you got here. What does that look like for you? Have you written a timeline? Have you started asking yourself how you continued to let your boundaries move? What did you tell yourself to make the decisions you were alright? How did you justify it?
If you start answering these questions honestly and demonstrate some humility (don’t conflate that with self flagellation), as well as some vulnerability and share it with your husband without prompting you might be able to work through the anger together and proactively. Otherwise, you are just waiting for a volcano to erupt periodically, beating yourself up for it, wash, rinse, repeat. There is only so long either one of you can do that.
I recommend going back and reading what people are advising you to do and actually start to do it. Your actions will speak volumes.
Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.
This Topic is Locked