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New Here: Four Months Out from D-Day

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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:41 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

She’s a serial cheater who has utterly devalued you and wished you were dead. That is really all you need to know.

There is no coming back from this.

IMO, no one should be giving you advice about reconciliation. This isn't one of those, hey if the WS does the work, it's possible, kind of situations.

She wanted you to die. She fantasized about it.

The only logical, healthy solution is divorce.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:42 PM, Tuesday, May 10th]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8734574
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:43 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

So you’ve been policing your wife for decades. How sad.

She’s disrespectful to you. Telling you that there was no affair b/c there was no sex blah blah blah is just totally selfish.

Just because a no contact letter was sent doesn’t mean she is or has adhered to it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734588
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 6:06 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

I'm sorry that she's done this to you. It's wrong on so many levels.

You've experienced a major trauma. It's good that you recognize that and are looking for a specialist. You've discovered that many years of your life were an illusion. You've found that you really didn't know the person you loved and trusted the most or even what was really going on in your life. That trauma affects people differently but many of us try cling to our betrayer because they have been our primary source of comfort and safety for years. I wonder if that's what is happening to you right now.

Continue to learn more about the trauma of infidelity and its impact. Check the thread linked in my profile for an excellent podcast on the topic.

The process you have followed so far has been good because it has gotten you some of the answers you need to start piecing your world back together. But as others have pointed out, you have to be wary of trusting too much. Believe only the actions that you see, the facts that you can verify, and things that make sense and are supported by strong evidence.

It concerns me that you think that your WW may just be waiting for the smoke to clear and doing damage control as she considers an exit strategy. That tells me that your gut is warning you that's that case.

I would suggest the 180 approach. Take a vacation to focus on yourself and what you really want from the rest of your life. You WW has set a very high bar for reaching acceptance of what she's done, let alone finding forgiveness.

Wishing you the best.

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 378   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8734648
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 9:32 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

I'm sorry you're here brother but your WW wished you were dead, IMHO and as others have mentioned there's no coming back from that, you may try to convince yourself all you want that she never meant it but let's be honest here, nobody knows except her and we all know cheaters LIE, the fact is she did say it/write it, you were never meant to find out. Is this the person you want by your side if you're ever to be hospitalized and making crucial decisions for your health and/or have the final decision to disconnect you or not from a ventilator or another type of life support machine/system ? I wouldn't trust her with my life if I was in your shoes.

She has been deceiving you from the get go, for years your M has been a sham, she's been exposing you to potentially life threatening STDs/STIs therefore it's evident she doesn't have your best interest at heart, after such a huge betrayal I suggest you D, what you're seeing is most likely not remorse but rather regret for getting caught, you deserve so much better than this proven SERIAL cheater and liar who also said her friends come first, unfortunately you're at a very low level on her priorities list, based on what you posted your WW is not a good candidate for R by a very long shot, life's too short and she's already shown you who she really is, believe her.

posts: 2588   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8734655
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seaandsun ( new member #79952) posted at 11:01 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

wished you dead.

The emotional and physical relationship was deep and fulfilling.

If ap was divorced, your wife would probably divorce you.

They were caught by the Obs and moved on.

they are in the same company and for the company, it is possible to talk to devices, get a second phone (they leave it at work), spend time together in the afternoon or evening. The relationship is already known.

You can talk to a lawyer, you should have the right to sue your workplace, they can't cover it up.

Your wife has come into contact with the past flame several times.

Friends support the relationship. Have you asked your wife what she shared with them about her marriage?


It's not an excuse for her to cheat, but she can tell her friends that she didn't divorce by making excuses like you did here.

Doesn't that show how much your wife cares about you and your marriage?

why are you trying to stay in r?

There is nothing left to share with your wife other than financial expectations.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2022
id 8734657
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 4:50 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Butforthegrace’s mocked-up Lamborghini marriage on a Mitsubishi chassis metaphor is pure gold.

I was also visualizing you standing there with your clipboard and pocket protector supervising your WW’s reluctant and questionably sustainable clean up and repair efforts and you grasping, desperately, at every sign of possible hope.

Reconciliation is a lifelong crusade-as is a marriage, and you have to ask yourself, does she have the enduring passion?

Do you, yourself, have that passion?

You’re in a good place here. The feedback your getting so far is, IMO, right on cue.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:54 PM, Wednesday, May 11th]

posts: 891   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8734703
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 5:05 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

If she still works with him, she's still in the A. There's no doubt about this. But a VAR. Put it under her seat in her car. You'll see.

As far as never loving him...I doubt that. She loved him more than she loved you. She knows he will never leave his W for her so now it's "I never loved him". Answer this: if he called her right now and told her he left his wife and for her to come be with him, what do you think would happen?

Beyond all that...she wants you dead. Dead. And you're going to reconcile knowing that?

posts: 2708   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8734706
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Txquail ( member #62946) posted at 7:55 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Your entire marriage is a lie. She has kept secrets from you and have deceived you throughout the marriage. Lying by omission.

You were in love with what you thought she was, not for whom she is.

Trust me, I've been in the same situation in the past. You never take a cheater back. If you do, they'll just be 10x more careful and cover their tracks next time. A woman loses all respect for a man who doesn't have a backbone and if you take her back, she's going to treat you worst.

Basically you've been in a open marriage all this time without being told you were in one. She was basically lying to you and using you just for your resources. You were getting the bare minimums while her affair partner got the best of her.

Think about this. I'd advise you to go no contact, get divorced and find someone else whom will love you like you deserved to be loved.

(Yeah harsh words but being honest)

posts: 289   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8734733
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