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Divorce/Separation :
Why is it so hard to hate.?

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 HataBlocka (original poster new member #74208) posted at 1:22 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Married 5 1/2 years, he had an affair 2 1/2 years ago. Begged and pleaded for forgiveness. Important to note that he did not confess until he got caught. Shattered my world. Within 3-4 months, I caught him sexting...reaching out to old lovers he hadn’t spoken to in years...I’d estimate 15 at least different women whom he messaged inappropriately in the last 2 years, one he did kiss and another he "met for breakfast.l
"EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I stayed. I begged him to stop.
Every time hurt as bad as the first but even worse. So my heart would start healing and then a few months later er I would find something else and get hurt again.
In the midst of all this, I had half my thyroid removed w/cancer in it. I’m not on meds thank the Lord and my bloodwork is perfect. But I have gained an abnormal amount of weight. So then that hasn’t helped. He says I’m fat....has said hurtful things like he is not attracted to me. He hates how negative I have become but he has no empathy because he’s the reason.
He has been verbally abusive...calls me stupid and a fucking idiot. He has been physically abusive to the extent of throwing things at me and pushing me and has choked me once.
I stayed and stayed. And I’m getting sadder and sadder.
I work in law enforcement so it’s pathetic but when you leave be someone it’s hard to hate them.
Easter Sunday last week I told him to leave. He put a gun to his head and spent the next several hours crying and begging me not to make him leave.
I compromised by telling him he has to move out. That we will separate and try to work on ourselves. I have a bad feeling he is going to turn hateful if I actually follow through on what I told him needs to happen. I love him so much. This is so hard. I’m trying to be strong. I don’t want to throw my life away and most of all I’m tired of being depressed and negative and sad.
I would appreciate any encouragement or advice.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Apr. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8732389
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 1:39 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

What kind of life is it with him? He's psychologically manipulated you with the gun stunt. He verbally and physically abused you. And I'm sorry, in my opinion, once it gets physical, I would strongly urge you to RUN.

He is NOT SAFE, OP. YOU ARE NOT SAFE. I fear for your life.

You say you love him, but he's also the reason why you're becoming increasingly depressed. Look up trauma bonding.

Please consult a lawyer. Talk to family or friends you're close to. DO NOT proceed thinking you can handle this/him on your own. There's been many infidelity-related tragedies recently; don't let yourself become one of them.

posts: 382   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8732393
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robinbird12 ( new member #80235) posted at 6:38 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Trauma bond!! Humans are meant to bond and your body and brain are actually addicted to him. So many of us on this board are struggling with the same thing- how can we feel such love and longing for someone who has hurt us so badly? Who has treated us so poorly and is really quite a terrible person not deserving our attention much less our adoration. Trauma bond.

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732422
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:09 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Healthy boundaries. Have you considered counseling for yourself or even couples counseling?

posts: 271   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8732990
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 1:42 AM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

I loved my ws so much but I could see that things weren't going to be right again. I moved out to my sisters house. That was good for me being with someone supportive. Neither of us hate him. He's funny, intelligent, sexy, clever, creative, charming....but then there's the lies, the wanting things his way, his decision to cheat, the pornography, secretly talking to ap...for years now.

You can't take the flaws out of someone like a surgeon leaving only the good parts. I wish I could take out my flaws.

He's hammering away at your self esteem, making you weaker to choose a better life for yourself. You NEED the space. He's not going to die. He's not. All this crazy acting out is to bend you to choose what he wants. That's not a healthy way to live. That's a desperate man trying to control. I know you love. It's good to love. But not at your own expense. You cannot destroy yourself for him. Go and work on your health mental and physical. He works on himself and maybe he gets to a place where he's safe to be with you. Right now he's not.

When you're in that situation, it's hard to see it clearly. You need distance and time. Weight is something that being free of stress is easier to work on. Don't let him make you feel bad. You can slowly get back to where you want to be. Celebrate being here. You still have time to enjoy life. What a blessing it is. Don't give that all away for someone who doesn't want to see you be happy. He has to find his way himself. If he listened to you, he'd be there already. Show him what peace looks like. Go create it in your own life and lead by example. Don't be scared to choose yourself. Maybe you think of others first like I did. You can still do so much good in the world for people. When you have peace of mind, you are strong.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2325   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8733082
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WornDown ( member #37977) posted at 2:10 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

You don't want to hate him - that still takes up too much mental energy.

Hate is the opposite of love - you are still emotionally attached to the person; they are still taking up mental energy; YOU are still engaged with them.

Where you want to get to is indifference, but that takes time.

So, right now, the best you can do is RATIONALLY realize this guy is not a good guy (for you or otherwise) and RATIONALLY decide to end the marriage and move on. In time, you will get to indifference, but you need to move on to prevent him from hurting you further.

Good luck.

Me: BH (50); exW (49): Way too many guys to count. Three kids (D, D, S, all >20)Together 25 years, married 18; Divorced (July 2015)

I divorced a narc. Separate everything. NC as much as humanly possible and absolutely no phone calls. - Ch

posts: 3359   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: Around the Block a few times
id 8734846
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:01 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Please gamete away from this guy. Permanently.

There is a better happier life awaiting you.

You cannot love someone who does not love themself.

Period.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11862   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734853
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:45 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

He has been physically abusive to the extent of throwing things at me and pushing me and has choked me once.

He is NOT SAFE, OP. YOU ARE NOT SAFE. I fear for your life.

This! Please leave to a women's shelter if you need to get away from him.

It is a trauma bond and will take time for you to really see this clearly. When your heart catches up to your head. It will happen. Make a list of all the bad things he's ever done and said to you and keep it with you when you feel like you are feeling sorry for him or missing him.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8211   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8734911
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:21 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Gently, You've been married 5.5 years, he's been cheating for at least half of your marriage, you should be LIVID.

He's not safe, he is a user and abuser and a cheater and a manipulator. What's to love, seriously?

Please find yourself a good IC to figure out WHY you would tolerate someone treating you this way.

Is it possible to get a restraining order against him? Is there any way to take his gun away. He's unstable, and I fear for what he might do.

He's shown you repeatedly who he is, I hope you finally believe him and understand you do not deserve this, you deserve to be happy and peaceful and with a faithful man.

posts: 11507   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8735352
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:21 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Gently, You've been married 5.5 years, he's been cheating for at least half of your marriage, you should be LIVID.

He's not safe, he is a user and abuser and a cheater and a manipulator. What's to love, seriously?

Please find yourself a good IC to figure out WHY you would tolerate someone treating you this way.

Is it possible to get a restraining order against him? Is there any way to take his gun away. He's unstable, and I fear for what he might do.

He's shown you repeatedly who he is, I hope you finally believe him and understand you do not deserve this, you deserve to be happy and peaceful and with a faithful man.

posts: 11507   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8735353
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traicionada ( member #10310) posted at 1:25 AM on Sunday, May 15th, 2022

If you work in law enforcement, you know the stats so I won’t repeat them but I am worried. Verbal abuse usually escalates into physical abuse and then nobody is safe sad

Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

posts: 4019   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2006   ·   location: Dallas, Texas
id 8735373
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