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Wayward Side :
Looking for help/guidance

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 Biomutant (original poster new member #80263) posted at 4:02 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

[This message edited by Biomutant at 3:51 AM, Thursday, April 28th]

posts: 1   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022
id 8732282
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 5:21 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

No stop sign.

None of this can be taken back. You have been emotionally abusive to your wife. This has wide ranging, long-lasting effects on both her, your stepdaughter and your own child.

You have also used your position of power and authority to sexually prey upon her infant daughter (I know how old you said she is - she remains an infant in the eyes of the law). This child trusted you and you abused that trust in a way that will likely effect her for the rest of her life. Her mother did the right thing initially but is weak - likely due in part to your continued emotional abuse of her over time- and is now asking her own daughter to forgive your abuse for her mother's benefit. By supporting this, you are putting this child in an impossible traumatizing situation. By staying in their life, you are pitting her against her mother and her sister. Your youngest will always be torn about her loyalties. If you were attracted to a child once, who is to say you wont be again when she gets older.

For once, please stop thinking of yourself and leave this family alone. They all stand the best chance of surviving in one piece without your presence in their lives.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 912   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8732301
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 5:59 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Biomutant

Thank you for visiting SI. Your story is indeed a little different, which is why I feel that our normal welcome advice doesn't really apply here. Typically, we'd advise a new WS on how to do some damage control in the relationship, and where to start looking for answers to their various questions. But as you said, your story is a little different. IMO, I'm not sure that this forum is the correct venue for you. While infidelity is involved, it seems to be more of a "side effect" of a much larger issue.

Please allow me to say the obvious here. You do not appear to be emotionally healthy, and although I am not a therapist, I would consider you to be a danger to others (in a toxic, emotional way) in any kind of relationship setting. Your wife, IMO, appears to be highly emotionally unstable as well. And the two of you together seem emotionally abusive and harmful to your step-daughter and all of your step-kids that are part of the immediate family. The fact that you "hit" on your step=daughter, and then to have her mother take you back, over and over again, after watching her do much the same thing with her birth father... good lord, I honestly wonder if she'll ever be capable of having a healthy relationship in her life. She has not had a healthy and loving relationship modeled for her, and since her mother took you back, that sends the clear message to her that her mom is "okay with what happened". I had this exact same interaction with my mother... that she didn't protect me when I was abused and instead took the side of the abuser... and it fucked me up majorly for life. So I speak from experience on this one.

I cannot recommend strongly enough that you separate yourself from your wife and kids (except financially, please don't be a deadbeat dad) and go get some intensive therapy to better understand why you think and feel the way that you do. Please don't feel that this is a judgment of you or your worth as a person. Clearly, you are someone who is the product of some kind of abuse or neglect or trauma, and you yourself don't seem to understand what a healthy relationship looks like, what healthy boundaries are, what self-respect, dignity and restraint are, and you mentioned being emotionally abusive at points, which seems to indicate some frustration and anger issues. If you yourself were never taught or shown these things, then how could you possibly understand them? It is not your fault that you were not given these tools. But it IS your responsibility to not allow that to hurt others. In the same way that you were likely hurt as a child, you are repeating that abuse now on your own step-kids. And that has to stop now. Today. Okay?

Please go find a good personal therapist. Look for someone whose specialty is childhood (sometimes called FOO, family of origin) abuse and/or trauma in general. Don't even think about a marriage or family counselor right now. Go fix yourself first. And I hope your wife does the exact same thing. If you can, get your step-daughter therapy too... she'll need it. Don't underestimate the damage done to her already.

One last recommendation. Although I suggest keeping your distance from the kids until you get a little healthier, I would still make sure to let them know that you acknowledge your faults and the way(s) you hurt them and their Mom, and make them aware that you are seeing an IC, going to support groups, reading books, and whatever else you are doing to try and become a healthier person in general, so that one day you can be a better step-dad, a better friend or partner, a better person overall.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 6:01 PM, Wednesday, April 27th]

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1269   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8732312
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Hi Bio,

First off, you're doing good work posting here and reaching out. It sounds like you're becoming aware of the need for change and looking for help in doing it. Like DDom and emergent said, we don't typically handle this kind of situation around here, but we have all been through some traumatizing shit. Not only with everyone's A, but our own FOO's. That said, it sounds like you're currently the more stable and aware of the two of you in the M. That's not really saying much, but again, you're aware you need change, you're aware you need help and you're aware of the damage you did to your step daughter. That is a MAJOR step. Without that, there's no possibility for change.

It sounds like you are closer in age to the daughter than the mother. This is not excusing the behavior, but may provide some background to it. It's interesting that there's a 13 year difference between you and your W and you started your relationship before she was even fully out of her previous M, let alone recovered from it. With 5 kids too. And now the one you share- #6. There's a lot of people relying on the two of you to pull yourselves together and care for them.

What are your plans moving forward? It is best that you S from her and the step kids for now. Your step-daughter is traumatized and should NOT be made to be in the middle between you. Your W needs to stop right now and decide for HERSELF whether she wants to be with you or not. Then she needs to make arrangements accordingly for her girl. I'm not sure of your situation, but if W wants you back, step-D is going to have to live with her dad.

As someone who was an adolescent girl (WAAAAAYYY back in the day laugh ), I remember how confusing that time was. I can very well imagine how confusing and terrifying it would be for her to find out that a man she trusted as a father wanted her sexually. Most girls her age barely know what "like like you" means. Or entails. There's only a gut instinct that says, "Danger! Predator!" It's going to fuck with her head. Either she'll end up with a power trip if she's got mommy issues (look at me, I'm much more of a woman than my mom- I got older men wanting me!) or she will end up grossed out by herself and extremely distrustful of men. She likely already is distrustful of men- her dad is not really in the picture and her step-dad turned Woody Allen on her!

Your W putting your reconciliation or whatever on her daughter "tolerating" you for the next 3 years of her life is disgusting. That girl is going to either blame herself for the breakup of her mom's second M and the break up of baby sister's family, or she's going to hate you all and GTFO as soon as possible. Most likely both. This is the effective end of her childhood. She can't trust her own mom or her stepdad. She is now emotionally orphaned. She'll likely end up hating you both for what you're doing to her right now.

For her sake, as atonement, I would suggest getting into a formal, structured S with your wife. You initiate it. You communicate to her and your step-daughter, "I am owning up to the disgusting way I treated our innocent daughter. Because of my behavior, I am no longer a safe adult for her to be near. She deserves a safe home. For her sake, for my love of you both, I am going to move to XYZ place near by and we will learn to co-parent our children in safety and peace. It's not what I wanted for us, but it is what has to happen for the best interests of all involved."

And do it!

You need to take the lead on this- your W is obviously battling her own demons, or she wouldn't be doing this back and forth and BLAMING HER TEENAGE DAUGHTER. You need to be the one to do this since you are the one who perpetrated it and the only one who may have enough resolve to make it happen.

It really sucks going through these consequences of our decisions. It's good you're seeing that you can't be around your step-daughter for her own good. For her own good, you also need to move out from the family home.

Good luck. We're here to help.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8732338
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 8:47 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Also want to add, you don't have to D, but get a legal S. This way, when step daughter is independent and living on her own, hopefully you and your W can grow and heal enough as people to reexamine coming back together. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it does need to be as long as SHE needs it to be to finish her launch into adulthood.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8732339
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 9:24 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

I am really going to try to speak with some compassion here because I do think that took fortitude for you to post this and it's very good that you recognize that you need help here.

My step daughter will not talk to me. She does not like to even hear my voice.

You are an adult. The person who cheated with her mom that resulted in her family breaking up. A father-figure to her. Her mother's husband. And you made a sexual pass at her. Can you really blame her for wanting nothing to do with you?

And just saying that you are very lucky that you escaped this situation as easily as you did. I have a good friend that works with sex offenders, and there are quite a few of them that are registered for not much else than what happened with you and your step daughter. Your wife is also incredibly lucky that CPS didn't get involved; no joke she could quite possibly lose custody of her children or be brought up on charges.

My wife says that if my step daughter would talk to me then maybe there would be hope for us.

Just.... WOW. My first stepdad was inappropriate in the extreme and I can tell you that God forbid if he had ever done or said anything like that to me and then my mom had told me that if I didn't talk to him, then her marriage would break up.... Yeah that would've been insurmountable for any continuing relationship I could have with her.

My wife also wants time apart to heal through counseling.

I really hope she is getting some intensive therapy, both for her sake and for her children's sake.

I don’t know if there is hope for my marriage

Just my 0.02, but there isn't. Not after what's happened already.

and hate that I hurt my wife, step daughter, our child and all the children. I wish I could take this back. It haunts me many days.

In a roundabout way, this is actually good. Please use this as a catalyst to get yourself into some serious IC and dig in to figure out how you got to this point and hopefully heal yourself to a point where you can do better next time and be a safe partner in the future.

I hate that I only added to my wife’s pain because she has had a very hard life.

I don't know about the hardness of her life, but I can say that from what you've shared she has definitely made some pretty poor decisions. I hope that she can get the help she needs to get herself better and more importantly to heal her relationship with her daughter.

I say this with all the kindness I have in me, but this sounds like a completely toxic and damaging situation for everyone involved, most of all for these sweet kids who have no choices in this. If you're serious about 'fixing' things, IMHO the best thing you can do is to legally separate and work on you and encourage your wife to do the same.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3445   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8732348
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 9:48 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Your W needs to stop right now and decide for HERSELF whether she wants to be with you or not.

WTAF? No. Just. NO. No decent woman, let alone mother, in their right mind would take a wanna-be child sex abuser back FOR ANY REASON. The recidivism rate for child abusers is about the highest out there. Having grown up with and in this sort of stuff, I have 0 tolerance for it. You need to get help. You should stay away from children - all of them. Provide financially for them, but stay away from them and from your W. She's messed up in the extreme to even consider choosing a sex offender, regardless of what her now-traumatized, victimized daughter could be strong-armed (manipulated, shamed) into saying or accepting.

Seriously?? barf

That’s all.


The case was unfounded since nothing physical happened.


YET.
AND ONLY BECAUSE SHE (UNDERSTANDABLY) FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.

Stop minimizing your behavior. Get help.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 209   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8732354
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:37 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

There is a difference between wanting an inappropriate relationship with an underage girl and carrying it out, so I’m not going to call you out as a sexual predator or anything of that sort. I have long thought – irrespective of this particular instance – that there is a tendency of watering out the concept of sexual predator, lumping someone guilty of urinating in public with someone with rape or molestation in the same group.
I will – as others have done – congratulate you on the courage of sharing your story here with us.

I’m also quite proud of the SI community and most of the responses here. The Wayward forum is a tough forum and it’s so imperative that those that contribute do so in a respectful and kind a manner as possible. This is a sensitive topic and I think if it triggers someone then maybe it’s just best to contribute to some other topic.


I agree with Daddydom that it does sound like you have issues and I strongly suggest you read Daddydom’s post.
I also want to say that even if there was no attachment to the stepdaughter this would be a relationship that should be seriously challenged. What with the age-difference and your wife’s past of the on/off relationship with her ex and short period since their last separation. I think this relationship was facing an uphill struggle from day one.

But… the Pink Elephant is definitely what happened between you and your stepdaughter…

I want to reply trying to view this as a parent – as I would imagine (and hope) the mother and father of the stepdaughter might/should view the situation. Hopefully this might help you understand the reluctance to have you in their family-unit.

It’s well known that boyfriends of single moms/divorced moms are statistically one of the highest risks for abusing their spouse’s child. Some reliable research indicates that the risk of physical and/or sexual abuse rises by a factor of over 40 if a single mom get’s a live-in boyfriend. That is a significant and noteworthy increase.
Note the basis is relatively low so an increase of 40 doesn’t mean all foster-dads (or even a majority) are abusive. And note it’s both physical and/or sexual. But it’s STILL a significant increase.

If I were a mother and single mom – or if I was the dad of a child being raised by my ex – I would be aware of that risk and monitor any new romantic interest and interactions with the children.
I’m male, so let’s imagine I had an ex-wife and joint custody of a teenage daughter. If my ex got a boyfriend I couldn’t (and shouldn’t!) intervene in her choice of partner. She’s my ex – she lives her own life. But I would want to know how that person interacts and treats my daughter. I would HOPE the BF was kind, compassionate, firm, loving and considerate to my daughter. Basically, treat her as his own.

However – if my daughter started complaining about or showed any signs of abuse… I would be on the phone with my ex in a NY second. If I had a sense the complaints were relevant and serious and/or not taken seriously by my wife I would be fighting for custody. I would be doing everything and anything for my child’s safety.

Furthermore – considering the known added risk – all the CPS environments would probably support me. The complaint would be taken seriously and investigated. In fact – inaction could risk the parents’ losing custody.

As a parent you don’t risk your kids…

I will concede and accept that you didn’t cross any legal line. But you showed an action that could have led you over that legal line… As a parent I would sacrifice whatever interest I might have in a relationship for the well being and protection of the relationship with the child. Your wife might want you, but even more she wants (and needs to have) a relationship with her daughter. She has no option other than side with her daughter once it’s established beyond a reasonable doubt that you did show the stepdaughter some interest.

I think THAT relationship – the one you had with this woman – is gone.

I think there is no way back, no way that you all can have a normal relationship because the daughter, the daughter’s dad, her mom AND the woman who might want to be with you see you as a threat – a risk.

Therefore, I don’t see much chance of reconciling the marriage. Not unless you can totally mitigate the fear that the girl, the father, and the mother might have. Not enough to convince one – all need to be feeling safe about what’s going on.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10601   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8732442
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 1:16 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

OP deleted his post. I'm not sure what kind of advice he expected - I thought everyone was pretty damn calm.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8834   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8732447
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