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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Almost 3 months finding out. Should I stay?

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:13 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

You got the ILYBNILWY speech (I love you but not in love with you). Not a good sign.

I think you need to be honest and say if you don’t want to end it that’s ok, but you parents are not moving in here with our marriage on the brink of disaster.

And don’t be afraid to let her know you will tell them
The truth si they can make other arrangements. They can live in with her. Not you & her unless this stops. All of it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8732123
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 8:30 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Look man. She keeps threatening you and saying hurtful things because it has always worked for her. She knows you too well.

You've tried talking and it has not gotten you very far has it?

This woman might love you, but brother she has no respect for you. None. You are a paycheck that shoulders half of her domestic duties. She gets to continue her fantasy life all she has to do is tell you she doesn't love you and has no interest try to either.

Look you are worth more than this. I would talk to an attorney and file. . .especially there is a timeline of her parents moving in.

Use that to your advantage. She likely would do so.

Your wife does not respect you or even love you in any demonstrable way. I know it is hard, but you can't reconcile by yourself.

Call her bluff. You don't need her agreement to file. Just do it.

At best case she realizes you are serious and gets into therapy. At worst case she agrees to the Divorce and you have saved yourself a lifetime of misery and abuse.

I see nothing here to work with. Start thinking about what is best for you and the kids. BTW your children are getting a master class on dysfunction right now. I can't imagine the status quo is healthy for any of you right now.

I think asking her to look for a job with the unserstanding that she will need more income after the D will show her what her little fantasyland will get her for her future.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5001   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8732128
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Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 9:00 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I am begging you, she needs to find work fast. It would be the best thing in the world for her. You really can't afford not to.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8732137
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 9:16 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

She doesn't believe you'll divorce her. She's in control and doing what she wants - instead of working on rebuilding romance in your marriage. As long as she has a fantasy of a perfect guy she won't come back to earth. And it will eventually escalate to a PA.

Is the other man married?
If not married, does he have kids?

IMO he's likely looking for easy sex with no commitment. And he's not likely interested long term in a cheater.

If he thought for a minute that she's getting divorced with kids (btw: I don't think he wants to raise your kids) he'd bail on her.

posts: 2573   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8732142
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:02 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

So she sits around,and talks to these men using the internet you pay for. As a SAHM myself,I normally wouldn't say that. The difference is,she is taking advantage of you.

Turn off the internet.

File for divorce.

Tell her it's time she get a job outside of the home,so she can pay the bills when the divorce is final.

File for divorce. She's giving you nothing to work with. And,even if she suddenly claimed to be sorry,it's because she is sorry that she has to live with the consequences of her actions.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:03 PM, Tuesday, April 26th]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8732151
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 10:15 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

She told me she lost love and feelings for me a long time ago. I went on our phone account and saw for over a year there’s hundreds of texts and thousands of minutes to multiple different numbers.

What more info do you need?

She's cheating. She refuses to stop cheating. She admits she doesn't love you. She's been living off of you for all of her adult life, taking your money while she gets sexual with other men.

For your own good, serve her with divorce papers, now. Reclaim your dignity and self-respect. You need it because your wife has no respect for you.

Find someone else. You're a good man so you will. Get in-depth pre-marital counseling before tying the knot again.

[This message edited by morningglory at 11:14 PM, Tuesday, April 26th]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732154
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 10:46 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

You should sit her down tonight and tell her you will be seeing an attorney and filing for divorce. If she desires to save the marriage, she must do a multitude of things, including getting a job, stop playing these stupid games on the computer, and treat you like a husband and not some fool. She needs counseling regarding cheating and infidelity. You also need to determine whether she has physically cheated. Consequently, she must sit for a polygraph. Tell her that you will be filing for divorce and the clock will be ticking and it is up to her to take the appropriate steps before the divorce becomes final. DO NOT flinch or give in one inch. Also, inform her parents what has been going on in front of your WW. Tell them that they cannot stay at your house because of the precarious nature of the marriage. Put your demands in writing. Do not engage in any discussion with her. Leave the room, pack your bags, and stay the night somewhere else. Start looking for a lawyer tomorrow. Have her served within two weeks. After she is served, remind her that the clock is ticking.

Please stand up for yourself and take no more crap from her. She is walking all over you. Avoid yelling and screaming at all costs. Just remain on course and make it clear to her that the longer she fights, the more likely the divorce will become final. If she wants to save the marriage, she will wake up and do just that. If she doesn't, it's time for you to move on and not take any more of her guff. I am sorry to be so blunt, but your story does not deserve any level of nuance.

posts: 622   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8732160
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 10:49 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

She told me she lost love and feelings for me a long time ago.

If this is really where she's coming from, you've got nothing to save. Unfortunately, the only way that you can challenge that is to take it as truth and respond in kind. Yeah, she's a SAHM who's never worked a day in her life. Tough. That was back when she had a loving marriage. Times change, right. You can hire a nanny/housekeeper and not pay as much as you're paying *AND* have the privilege of dating women who might actually be into you.

Believe me, if my fWH had thought for even a minute that I would continue to tolerate him catting around, he'd still be doing that today. I came out on dday, swinging for the fence on divorce. It was everything he could do to slow me down and get me to give him some time, which he then wasted trying to let one of the OW down gently. At that point, he had about 30 seconds to be "all in" or "all out". Bottom line, the one who values the marriage least has the most power.

My suggestion would be to see an attorney and find out what your financial situation looks like after divorce. You'll want to go for as much custody as you can, so be thinking about how you'll manage childcare costs. If your WW suddenly finds some love after you've told her you're out, you can consider sending her to therapy so she can figure out where the hell her values have gone. Either way it goes though, you'll want to insist that she take her princess ass out to get a paying JOB. She has used her time at home to betray her marriage. That should signify THE END of you providing all the financial security. If she balks, tell her that's what "separated" means. Then, go shut off the internet until she's ready to pay her half.

It might help you to read through a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover or Unhealthy Helping by Shawn Burn. Sometimes when you do to much for people, they end up biting your hand and/or not growing up and becoming competent. Also, look online for "The Karpman Drama Triangle" and see that works. Oftentimes, the person who features herself as "the victim" will become "the perpetrator" in response to your "rescue". The trick to the Drama Triangle, of course, is to get out of the Drama Triangle. No more games. No playing. She either starts doing some adulting from within the relationship or put her money where her mouth is and GTFO, right?

So sorry this happened to you.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8732161
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Tren0R201 ( member #39633) posted at 11:25 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I will be asking her straight up tonight if she would cut him completely out of her life. I have a feeling I know the answer but I need to hear it from her

You've already asked that question multiple times. You're currently negotiating and bargaining on whether your wife can keep a boyfriend..or boyfriends since she seems to meet many.

She's openly told you she doesn't love you, refuses to give up her boyfriend, her boyfriend even after talking to you is still in contact with her.

Three people in this triangle are not taking you seriously..not even yourself.

Stop the negotiations.

posts: 1779   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2013
id 8732169
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 1:32 AM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Brother I'm sorry but you have absolutely NOTHING to work with here, she has told you straight up she doen't love you and refuses to end her relationships with her boyfriends, do yourself a favor and dump this unremorseful serial cheater and liar, you deserve so much better than this, don't forget to get tested for STDs just in case, no need to keep asking her to end it with her boyfriends, act now, contact an attorney and file for D to end this farce.

posts: 2588   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8732186
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 Cypher66 (original poster new member #80258) posted at 2:44 AM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Thank you to everyone’s that’s replied. She did get a job interview in the next week for a place in the mall. Everyone really opened my eyes to what’s going on and there really isn’t anything here to go off of to fight for.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2022
id 8732199
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:20 AM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

It's not necessarily hopeless. Sometimes, the WS gets their head on backwards and they're not thinking clearly. They get so caught up in the story they're telling themselves that they believe it's true. My fWH was SHOCKED to find out that he was desperate to keep me. He thought he didn't love me anymore. (If you want, you can click the little person icon in the upper right corner for more of that story on my profile page.) And you know what?.. I was even more shocked to find myself entertaining the idea of R when I never believed I would after he had physically cheated. Sometimes, we really just don't know how we feel until the chips are down. It could be that losing you snaps her back to reality.

Of course, it's never wise to put out an ultimatum you can't live with, so I think you'd definitely be wise to see an attorney and game out both scenarios.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 5:11 PM, Wednesday, April 27th]

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8732214
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 10:28 AM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Cypher66,

I get the impression that you think that it is a privilege to be with your WW.

From your posts, you seem to be the one chasing her, letting her control your life, putting her up on a pedestal, and looks like you think she is the best thing after sliced bread.

Why is that?

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 968   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8732227
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Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 3:24 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Wow! So much to unpack here! I was in the same situation with my wife staying at home. Not on games but you get the point. Too much free time.

Time to put your foot down. If you don't love me, then GTFO. I had this conversation.

I'm not paying for you anymore.

Why should she be happy when you're miserable.

Start standing up for yourself.

Take a look at the 180.

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3810   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8732269
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 4:00 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

I was also in a similar situation, my wife was mostly a sahm, with LOTS of time on her hands and as she couldn't chat with me a day (I was working) she would then chat with the AP. It took nearly 3 years post DDay for me to get her to go NC, 3 excruciating years which nearly killed me.

Do not put up with her BS, you are worth much much better treatment, tell her you are filing, tell everyone what she has been doing and tell her she chooses to either work damn hard to fix herself or gtfo.

Don't do what I did and wait for her to actually get it, it is a waste of your life, and life is short enough.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8732280
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 5:20 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Typically on this site, the solution/advice to infidelity is either R or D. When you have unanimous posting directing you to D, there’s good reasons for that.

She is cheating, she refuses to stop, she doesn’t love you. Why stay?

Start the D process. First talk to a lawyer. Then get STD tests (you can’t know if she actually met any of those guys… it’s your health, it’s important ).

Maybe she will do an 180, maybe not. But your objective is to get out of infidelity. You start the D process to get out of infidelity… not too pressure her into anything.

Basically, your thinking is: "I refuse to stay in a marriage where my wife doesn’t love me and is having relationships with other men. I have no choice but to D".

Post often, you’ll get good advice here smile

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1533   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8732299
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 6:46 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

I know it is not what you want to hear, but I think you understand that your M only exists on paper today. Make the paperwork align with reality. Everyone outside of your wife will be better off in the future.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5001   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8732323
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 2:03 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

How’s it going Cypher? Has there been any change in her attitude? Are her parents still planning on moving in? Have you exposed to them?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 438   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8733529
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 4:38 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Hey Cypher. Just want you to know that I was thinking about you today. Come back and let it out. It really does help.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5001   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8733559
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 5:08 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Three giant red flags I noticed.

1. Retired parents moving in soon. That will not hel, put that off for 6-12 months
2. 7 years together. The legendary 7 year itch is real.
3. You are working on becoming friends. Her love, if she ever had any, is gone and there is a slim chance of rebuilding that without tons of work from her.

I wish you luck but she is not giving you anything to work with.
If she gets the job, what are the chances if she is not gaming and sexting she will find a co-worker to hook up in real life?

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1230   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8733562
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