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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Almost 3 months finding out. Should I stay?

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 Cypher66 (original poster new member #80258) posted at 2:56 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I’m trying to summarize because There’s a lot of details I can go into later. I thought I saw a message on my wife’s phone with hearts. She swore she was talking to someone else. About a month later I saw her Apple Watch she never uses and decides to plug it in. It was at 20% already so I unlocked it and saw 8 messages when we hadn’t talked that much that day. I open it up and see a number(no name) and messages such as "going to my ex house" "I love you" "I can’t wait to see you" and other names like "baby" and "babe" which we used in text. When I confronted her she was upset I looked at her watch but then showed me she deleted the contact. To sum up I found out she had secret Snapchat accounts and was talking to guys on PlayStation and would message them and add them on this secret Snapchat. I was able to log in and saw she was still talking to the same guy she deleted the text on Snapchat. We were sleeping in the same room but since I found out we now sleep in difference rooms. She told me she lost love and feelings for me a long time ago. I went on our phone account and saw for over a year there’s hundreds of texts and thousands of minutes to multiple different numbers. I noticed November 2020 that she started to play games at night and would continue into the morning. Would sometimes sleep on our couch(a lot actually) and be playing when I came home around 11 at night from work. I always thought it was depression or something and she just enjoyed playing games but realize now that was her time to talk to guys. From what I gathered(from Snapchat chats) there’s been at least 4-5 guys in about 3 month waves that she will talk to. Get real sexual with. Assuming send nudes and such which from what I could read. And towards the end, she would end the relationship if things got bad. Pretty much blaming the other guy. These guys are Early 20s and she’s almost 30. They only know she’s "separated with 3 kids and we don’t talk" but that didn’t become a reality until I find out. We actually still hangout all the time and do everything. The main difference now is she wants to just be good parents for our kids. Says we are separated. Doesn’t know if feelings could ever come back. Continues to play games with this guy and a group at night. (Not every night now though) but goes on the phone and talk for hundreds of minutes at night. She says she just falls asleep but sadly I’ve heard her talking late into the night/early morning. She’s a stay at home mom and has been since she was 19. Never worked a day but I provide so she can be a stay at home mom for our kids. Am I being too nice? Should I change anything? The feelings were strong recently and I contacted the guy she’s "with". From what I seen she’s known him on PlayStation since Jan 2021 but became a couple November 2021. She tells me it’s all emotional and she can end it whenever she wants but it’s "fun and exciting for her and gives her happiness. Even if it’s fake happiness. But wants to find out if it’s fake happiness". When I contacted him I just said he was being played and that she’s still with her husband and he should leave her alone. He said he just wanted to contact her one more time and I said that he shouldn’t and just leave it alone. I still see her massaging at times and she said she’s still talking to him and so I’m wondering if it’s even worth us staying for the kids.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2022
id 8731992
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:00 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I was in your shoes for 6 months. Cheating H refused to end the affair and was convinced he should D me for the OW.

Your spouse will continue on the selfish path as long as you allow it.

Nothing will change unless you change. You may have to give the "AP or me" ultimatum.

I did that — when confronted he chose me. But yet 2 weeks later he backtracks and wants a D. I was not prepared then to D him but by dday2 and false reconciliation for months I was ready to D him!

And sadly that is what I told him. And that is when things started to change b/c he knew I was serious AND I changed.

I was not putting up with any more lying or cheating. And I was prepared to walk away at the drop of a hat.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:50 AM, Tuesday, April 26th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8732002
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 Cypher66 (original poster new member #80258) posted at 6:22 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I’ve brought up the "me or him" and she just said "this is my happiness" and went ahead and deleted everything (supposedly). And later in the conversation I guess I said thank you. I just want you to be happy…so she went back and started talking again telling me "you said you wanted me happy. This is what makes me happy right now" I’ve been changing a lot the past 2 months. A lot closer to my kids and I used to be a gamer too and don’t touch them at all. Focusing on kids and myself and the house. But what I see is someone just chillin at the house on their phone and when I go to work she just goes to him the whole day (I work double shifts 2 days in a row)

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2022
id 8732013
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 7:13 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

So sorry you're here. Please read the pinned posts and the Healing Library.

Read what you wrote, and pretend it's something your best friend told you. What advice would you give?

You're working hard and she is putting energy into other relationships she should be investing into your relationship.

BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1072   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8732015
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 Cypher66 (original poster new member #80258) posted at 7:36 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Thank you I’ve read the pinned posts and been in the healing library. It sucks because I can see it from others point of views. Why stay? She tells me it’s just emotional and I’ve seen the other relationships end over and over but she just tells me "even if I wasn’t doing this I still wouldn’t have feelings for you" so i feel like she’s given up. I feel like if I give the ultimatum she will still keep talking to this guy and then definitely won’t have any feelings. She says me and her are working on our friendship again because it’s been so long that she was unhappy with me. so I feel like I’m stuck.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2022
id 8732017
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 8:00 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

It took me 18 months for my heart to catch up with my head. My XWH is an a$$hole. I'm 59 and I tapped out after 34 years. He wouldn't do the work to be a safe partner. If your partner isn't going to do the work, it may be the best interest for you to ditch the relationship.

BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1072   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8732018
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:06 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Typical cheater behavior is to blame the betrsyed spouse.

She’s unhappy with you so she cheats. So typical.

I bet she wasn’t that "unhappy" until

She met this guy.

My H pulled the same move. He was "unhappy" and blamed me. He actually told me during his affair that I never loved him and married him for other reasons. I just laughed in his face b/c that comment was so ridiculous. I treated him so well - made his life so damn easy.

Here’s the irony. On dday2 I snapped. I had enough. Even though I was trying to reconcile I also had a solid exit plan/plan B in place. Just in case.

Dday2 unfortunately I needed that plan B. I found out he was still cheating so I told him (very calmly) I was D him b:c I had no other choice. And he was free to go and be with the OW and anyone else he chose.

I was done! It wasn’t a discussion snd I left the room.

He’s now begging to R. I refuse. I demanded a post nup to even consider R. He signed it.

And then it got real. I brought up every terrible thing he told me and used to justify his affair. I threw it back in his face. I even said "why would you want to R with me b/c you believe I never loved you blah blah blah". He had to admit he just said those things to justify his cheating.

My point is this: you can do everything humanly possible but until the cheater decides to stop cheating, nothing will change.

They won’t stop cheating. They won’t put the kids & family first. They won’t admit that the choices they are making are just wrong.

Think of her affair like an addiction. It explains why they won’t just end it.

Sadly you don’t have many choices. You can wait it out and hope it ends OR you can decide you aren’t living like this any longer and demand a separation or divorce.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:09 AM, Tuesday, April 26th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8732022
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 Cypher66 (original poster new member #80258) posted at 10:01 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I appreciate you both telling your sides. The endless circle I’m on is she knows it’s hurting me what she’s doing. She wishes I was "in her head" because it’s emotional and strangers from the internet so she can end it at any time. Says she’s honestly only doing it for her happiness and entertainment. That’s it and I should just focus on the fact she lost love and happiness with me a long time ago. I too feel like she only felt this way once she started the first affair but again swears it was long before that. So whenever I ask for her to just cut this guy out of her life she tells me even if she did, she wouldn’t have feelings or love for me. I’ve asked about couples counseling and she says "you think I’ll just get feelings for you again going there?" And then says "I’ll just be unhappy so everyone else around me can be happy. I’ll just sit at home and do nothing. Watch the kids but just sit around and do nothing". These are the type of responses i get.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2022
id 8732025
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:47 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

She’s devoting her time and energy and focus to these other guys.

If it’s soooooo easy to end it - why didn’t she do it already? Because she gets something out of it. There’s something that keeps her hooked in this cycle.

She’s basically telling you if you make her quit she will be unhappy AND make everyone rise around her unhappy as well.

Excuse my harshness but that’s behavior I’d expect from a two year old or a spoiled brat!!

You have options. You don’t need to accept this.

I don’t know the ages of your children but maybe your wife needs a part time job. Nights or weekends when you are home — she can work. If she can stay up to play video games she can work during that time.

Read up on the 180. It’s a way to get yourself out of her infidelity cycle. It will not be the reason she stops cheating. But it will protect you.

You can get very black&white with her. Cut off the access to the games. Cut off her credit cards. Only pay for necessities. Provide food and things for the house - but start to control the finances so she’s not spending $ or time with these guys.

Stop allowing her to cheat in front of you.

She will get mad. She will try to get revenge. Be prepared for it. But - she has to accept the consequences.

Take possession of her Apple Watch. Monitor her electronics. If she’s still cheating, tell her it’s time to D and get an attorney and parenting plan in place.

It sounds like she already doesn’t want to be married based on her recent comments to you.

Get yourself a good counselor. Start detaching from this nightmare if she’s not going to be your wife and love you.

Sorry to see this is heading in this direction.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:48 AM, Tuesday, April 26th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8732031
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Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 12:43 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

So, it sounds like her gaming and her related activities have turned into quite an obsession. I don't know how old your kids are, but is there a chance they're being neglected when you aren't there?

posts: 325   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8732036
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 Cypher66 (original poster new member #80258) posted at 2:27 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Not the first time someone asked me if it’s so easy then why not end it now? She told me. It’s fun and exciting and her happiness right now. Currently has no feelings for me so why would she cut that part out of her life. And I used to think the kids might be neglected. Once I found out she doesn’t play the games all night and into the early morning anymore. She takes care of our kids (2,5,10) during the day and turns the games on at night. Plays games with the guy if I’m working if I’m not working she doesn’t play games but still talks to him when she goes up to bed until they fall asleep. She acts like this is new but on our phone logs she’s been doing this since November

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2022
id 8732051
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justastatistic ( member #36314) posted at 2:49 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

She tells me it’s just emotional and I’ve seen the other relationships end over and over but she just tells me "even if I wasn’t doing this I still wouldn’t have feelings for you" so i feel like she’s given up.

You feel that way because she is telling you she has. You know the old saying "When someone tells you who they are believe them?" Well, she's telling you.

The question is whether you want to continue in infidelity or not. She's probably not going to / can't rebuild a relationship with you while she continues to maintain the relationship with the OM. So either you want to continue to live like this, sharing your wife, or you don't. If you don't, tell her exactly that. "I do not want to share my wife, so since you wish to be with another man who makes you happy I am freeing you to do so. I wish you the best. Let's be civil about this for the kids. I will be filing for divorce, seeking 50/50 custody of the children, and you better start looking for a job."

Then every time she tries to talk about her relationship, or yours, just repeat that "I do not wish to share my wife so as long as you are having a relationship / communication with this other man, all we have to discuss are the terms of the divorce, which would be better left to the attorneys/mediator."

posts: 298   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2012
id 8732056
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 3:23 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

1 - From hard experience we've learned that you can't make her develop romantic feelings for you.

2 - Begging and crying doesn't work because they see it as a free pass to continue their behavior because you're not strong enough to divorce her.

3 - Sexting is addictive (yes really). It's going to take a major shock to her world to motivate her to stop (which includes no more gaming ever).

4 - A big reason she doesn't feel romantic towards you is because she's addicted to the high she gets from sexting online - and her feelings for you are buried deep underneath layers of fantasy.

5 - She needs to stop sexting & gaming and devote all that time, energy, and romance to her husband. Otherwise she (not you) is sabotaging your marriage.

6 - You can not compete with fantasy men. In her head, they are perfect in every way. She never should have gotten addicted to this behavior in the first place. She needs new hobbies.

7 - In order for her to wake up, I she must believe that you will divorce her rather than tolerate her behavior. Therefore, see an attorney (the first hour is often free) and let her know about it. Separate bank accounts. Stop being her buddy and mr fixit - give her a taste of what being a single mom will be like.

posts: 2573   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8732057
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:08 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Grass grows where it is watered. She’s not watering your M. She’s busy watering all the boys on her games.

She seems to think that YOU need to figure out how she can get that feeling back. Well that is not your job. Sure, you can be a better guy- we all have room to improve. But that’s not what is going on here. You are not the problem. You never where the problem.

This is 100% her issue. If she’s unhappy she has (and has had) lots of options. Communicate with you. See a counselor and figure out why. Separate or divorce you. What she is doing is garbage and is 100% about her issues.

If she’s nearly 30 and has three kids, they are pretty young. Does she work outside the home? How many hours is she gaming?

As others said, if she isn’t taking the reins and working on R, then there is nothing you can actually do other than protect yourself and protect your kids. She gets the best of both worlds, eating her cake and all that. Time to shut the bakery down and protect yourself.

This totally sucks. I am sorry you are going through it. You will, however, get through it.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 6:42 AM, Wednesday, April 27th]

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4687   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8732062
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 Cypher66 (original poster new member #80258) posted at 4:25 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

She says she still loves me, just not in that way and cares about me. Weve done the deed a couple times since we found out. I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere but she has to reiterate "that doesn’t change things" or she still does things like we are married like change in front of me and such and doesn’t think twice of it. Showered together when we haven’t in years. I don’t harken on them but she will say like "I know friends usually don’t shower together" and I’m still like, what’s the point of saying that? She has brought up divorce before. Thinking that’s the best option whenever I would bring up the situation(that’s what I call it). But then I ask her if that’s really the best option. We usually get in an argument when I bring it up. I’ve said it’s either him or me and she gets incredibly agreeing. Yelling and saying she hates me and that I’m holding things over her head and she will just leave and we will divorce. All this I feel is just out of anger and not what she really wants but like you’ve all said here. Nothings going to really change what she’s doing. I know how to turn off the internet to her PlayStation from the router. That just made her talk on the phone more with him. I know I should just take the phone away at this point but still trying to salvage something. She says we are working on friendship. I heard her talking to the guy last night (first time in awhile actually) my feelings got the best of me so I called her(even though I’m just down the hall). Of course she didn’t answer. But actually told me it’s cause she was on the phone already which before she would just ignore me. I said I apologized for calling and she told me "I like that we are apologizing and realize when we mess up" because literally an hour before this she just walked in my room and said goodnight and didn’t think anything of it (I honestly didn’t really either) but I said "is it ok for me to come in your room when I get off at work at night and tell you goodnight(I know her room is off limits at night.) and she said "your absolutely right. I apologize. I shouldn’t go in there" I said I didn’t care but just thought it was interesting she could do that but if I did it’s the end of the world (at night cause that’s when shes on the phone with him).

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2022
id 8732066
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 Cypher66 (original poster new member #80258) posted at 4:35 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

A lot have asked but it’s buried in one of my replies. My kids are 2,5,10. She’s a stay at home mom and never worked a job. We wanted it that way so she could stay home and raise our kids. She used to game all the tiem(past year she would get on when kids went to sleep until early morning). Even gamed during the day but since I found out honestly she doesnt game at all when I’m home (4 days a week) and turns on games after kids go to bed around 7 and they are off by 10:30 and I get home at 11. So not much gaming at all anymore. When I’ve brought up working on this she says that feelings for him weren’t going to change in a night that it’ll take time. She said every time I went into her profiles (yes she found out) just pushed her further and that’s what made her want to talk on the phone and play games more with him. The last argument we had she said we weren’t even friends anymore. That we are working on just being the best parents for our kids. That was a couple days ago but last night said we are working on being friends again. The couple times (one time I walked in at night while she was on the phone. The other I messaged the guy) she said that it’s all over now. But nothing changed. She said "I thought he would drop me and stop talking to me" but from the posts I’ve seen this guy make he’s in love with her so I knew it wouldn’t be that easy.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2022
id 8732069
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:55 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

IDK ... M without mutual desire, especially at 30, sounds pretty bad to me. After d-day, I don't think I'd have let my W stick around if she didn't have a pretty strong desire for me.

So I don't understand your letting your W stick around. You don't owe anybody but yourself an explanation, but there are a lot of dysfunctional possible reasons for doing so, and some healthy reasons, and we can help you if we know why you're still in your M.

I hope to say the following as non-judgmentally as possible: Will you outline the thoughts and feelings that keep you in your M?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8732071
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 Cypher66 (original poster new member #80258) posted at 5:15 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

A lot have asked me this. This is my 2nd marriage first only lasted a year or so. No kids. I have 3 kids and this one we just hit 7 years married. 9 knowing each other. I stay because of history. We had a miscarriage together. I have my career mainly from her support. I’ve been there for surgeries she needed to have. Supported her our whole life. I see the negative person I was. She could have left me multiple times but says she stayed for the kids. I’ve seen (through snap chat history) how deep she gets with a guy and a couple months later drops them and onto the next. Definitely red flags but part of me feels if this one gets dropped then it opens a door for an us to be a possibility again. Everything’s a secret still. But her parents are supposed to move in in a couple months after they retire. So I’m kind of waiting on this timeline and if things don’t change then, that’s when I’ll want real separation and see where that goes

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2022
id 8732074
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RangerS ( member #79516) posted at 5:44 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Wow, she seems like a master manipulator. Do you do things outside the house as a family? As a couple?
I think it is in your best interest to have her find a job and and contribute financially because it seems like the most likely outcome of this is divorce. I hope you find a way to restore your marriage but the chances seem slim. She has checked out of the marriage and appears to be dictating everything about your relationship. How can she regain her feelings for you when she is emotionally invested in someone else.
Keep trying to save this if you want, but you should consult a good divorce attorney start making a plan for ending the marriage. This way you can at least hit the ground running if you decide to go that route.
Good luck and keep posting here. You will get a lot of good advice as you navigate this situation.
It seems like you are quit passive with her. You seen like you are asking her for this or that and she is always denying and using these instances as opportunities to manipulate you. I would suggest that you quit arguing with her about this and start reducing your communication with her. Tell her what you boundaries are. She quit the marriage. There is no dance you can do that will win her back. She has to want to come back. She needs to come up with the action plan for getting her feelings for you back. Right now she has you dancing on a string for her entertainment when you are around and she has he other man for the rest of the time. Why would she change. She is in a great position. You don't even refer to her affair as that.
If you are willing to divorce, you should start taking the first steps in that direction. Make her face reality. Make her get a job. Refer to her affair as an affair.

posts: 53   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8732082
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 Cypher66 (original poster new member #80258) posted at 7:15 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I will be asking her straight up tonight if she would cut him completely out of her life. I have a feeling I know the answer but I need to hear it from her

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2022
id 8732099
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