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Divorce/Separation :
I filed today

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 TheWorldYouWant (original poster member #78447) posted at 1:23 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

2+ years post (huge) DDay (one of many many many), I filed today. STBXWH has done absolutely fuck-all for recovery, repair, and reconciliation. I gave so many chances. He knows what he needs to do and because it makes him feel "trapped" (read: he will be unable to continue cheating and acting out), he won't do it.

When I got home from the courthouse after filing, I went to him to tell him in person, as a courtesy--instead of letting him find out when he is served. He had the gotdam audacity to tell me that the divorce is my fault. Because somehow I caused him to have to have sex with prostitutes, and then also caused him to fail to engage in recovery work. OK buddy.

Then I told the kids (3 young adults and one wonderful daughter-in-law), by a letter I had pre-written for them. They've been expecting this since last year but I told them at the time I was still trying to see if their dad would engage in recovery. I think they are probably very sad, but they are pretty stoic like me typically. They know that his cheating and lying is the cause of the split because I am for sure not keeping STBXWH's dirty secrets anymore.

Told my BFF and sister as well.

Ugh now I have to finish creating the process of service package. I hate paperwork in general, and this is the worst!

I've been weeping so much since yesterday, taken over by heaving sobs at times. Other moments I'm just so mad. Other moments I'm like "bleh, what a jerk."

I hope I can finish my own healing now. I hope this is the beginning of that, because that's what I need.

Postscript, STBXWH in an email to me after I told him I filed:

"I love you, <name>. And I want you. I want you more than anything. And I want our future together."


My response:

"...ok?? As I've said before: Prove it. Show me. Otherwise these are completely meaningless words. That you haven't taken action in the recovery process to show me that you feel this way means that your words are just words. Words words words words words.

I simply believe nothing you say. I believe only what you do, and thus far what you do is lie, cheat, cheat more, and lie more. I don't believe that you love me. A person who loves does not do what you have done. A person who loves takes responsibility, becomes accountable, makes amends, and improves themselves so they can stop hurting their beloved. You don't do those things, therefore you do not love me. I know you think you love me, but by any objective measure you do not. I think what you're feeling is fear of being alone and abandoned, not love.

I'd like to tell you to stop claiming "I love you" and other bullshit, but there's no point. You're going to say whatever you think will make me come running back. So I guess you will keep doing it until you realize it's not going to work this time."

Me, BW: 50s. WH: 50s. Kids: 3 great young adults.

1998-2021: DDays without end. Porn, cam girls, online EA, dating and cheating websites, actual dating, online sex games, prostitutes, more cam girls. And that's only the stuff I know.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8728398
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:44 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

Good on you for taking your future in to your hands.
The roller coaster ride is not quite over, but you are approaching the end. Your tears today are evidence of some pain still there.

Remember that actions are everything, words mean nothing. And you may find it good to do a little gray rock — it will help you start to detach and it will remind him that you mean business. That things have changed.

You are strong and you have the support of your family.
Be proud.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8728417
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 TheWorldYouWant (original poster member #78447) posted at 8:43 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

Thank you, Bearly! I'm sooooooooooooooooooo ready to be done crying over him. So ready to be done trying to "fix" him, or make him understand what he's done to me. It's all useless and pointless, and he doesn't get it because he doesn't WANT to get it.

I've been trying to gray rock and I'm not able to consistently be perfect with it. Next week I'm going to leave the house for 5 days and go off by myself to focus on work at my physical office which is a couple hundred miles away. I'm not going to communicate with STBXWH at all during those days. I'm hoping that will give me the jumpstart I need so that I can gray rock / LC / NC at home much better. It would be preferable to do an in-home separation since we really do not have the extra funds for me to go find my own place right now. But to succeed at IHS I need to be a gray rock superhero.

This morning I heard STBXWH loudly weeping out in the garage (where he is working on a cleanup project). He has probably cried less than 20 times in our 25-year relationship. I feel...pity, and some satisfaction. I guess he's learning that there really are consequences for fucking around and not fixing his shit. Bummer for him (pity) but he DESERVES to feel bad (satisfaction). Even now, though, I know he's not suffering the way I've suffered for years, and his tears are 100% for himself (not for me or the kids or anyone but him him him).

Me, BW: 50s. WH: 50s. Kids: 3 great young adults.

1998-2021: DDays without end. Porn, cam girls, online EA, dating and cheating websites, actual dating, online sex games, prostitutes, more cam girls. And that's only the stuff I know.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8728544
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 9:48 PM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

So glad for you! What a journey you’ve been on. I wish you strength and resolve as you move forward. May you find healing and a wonderful new life that you never thought possible!!! Your husband had many chances to make it right. He blew it! He will kick himself in the ass for the rest of his life. And you will go on to live a full, abundant life of joy, happiness, love, and honesty.

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 217   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8728553
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:25 AM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

Congratulations on moving forward. It's tough. My XWH didn't do the work, either. He sent me a couple of selfies where he was crying and his apologies were so full of "I" statements that it was laughable.

Your kids will be ok. The nice thing is they can maintain their own relationship with your STBXWH and you can be removed from the situation.

BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1080   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8728600
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 4:05 AM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

"May you find healing and a wonderful new life that you never thought possible!!!"

posts: 938   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8728606
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 TheWorldYouWant (original poster member #78447) posted at 6:34 AM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

I went to my BFF's for dinner tonight and did not tell STBXWH where I was going or what I was doing. I had pre-informed the kids that if he asked them or freaked out, they were just to tell him "Mom is fine, you don't need to worry about her."

I was wrong about him asking the kids where I was...but I was NOT wrong about what his reaction would be, because he confronted me when I got home with accusations of going on a date, told me he'd had a mild panic attack, blah blah blah. Said he needed to tell me how he was feeling because I "caused" him to feel that way. UGH WTF. I couldn't gray rock my way through that shit. This is the same controlling abuser bullshit he does to me any time he feels threatened/afraid. I ended up semi-yelling at him that "I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS" and then eventually walked out of the conversation because he was just not going to stop.

Oh he also made sure to let me know that "if you want me to want to work on this, this is not the way to do that." HEY ASSHOLE I WANTED YOU TO WORK ON IT FOR THE PAST TWO TO TWENTY-FIVE YEARS BUT YOU DIDN'T (my thought). My reply: "I tried to get you to want to work on it for two years, and that failed. I am not trying anymore. We are getting divorced."

I know this is standard cheater bullshit but ugh it's so infuriating. I really really really want to gray rock him so I can just do in-home separation but he is doing his best to make it impossible. Not just this shit but other little shit too, trying to engage with me during the day.

This isn't going to stop me from just living my own life, but it adds an extra level of anxiety to doing that. Which is exactly as I predicted and why I was anxious about going out.

Me, BW: 50s. WH: 50s. Kids: 3 great young adults.

1998-2021: DDays without end. Porn, cam girls, online EA, dating and cheating websites, actual dating, online sex games, prostitutes, more cam girls. And that's only the stuff I know.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8728620
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:02 AM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

Have a plan to avoid him.

You go out and return home and go to your room and shut the door.

Do this often enough he will get the message.

If he tries to talk just keep walking and shut the door.

If you don’t speak he cannot get any satisfaction from your silence.

It’s time for boundaries. It’s time for you to resume some control over your life.

You can do this.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11862   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8728625
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 TheWorldYouWant (original poster member #78447) posted at 5:58 PM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

Working on it! I wish he would just leave me alone so I can heal...after he has spent the last two years NOT HELPING ME heal, now he's covertly obstructing me. I know I can do it on my own and I will do it, but having to fight him for time and peace for myself is an exhaustion I don't need. It makes clear to me that everything is still about him and what he wants. He can't bother to spare a thought for me or have any empathy after what he's done, because he's too terrified/ashamed/whatever.

Anyone got any good gray-rock mantras?

Me, BW: 50s. WH: 50s. Kids: 3 great young adults.

1998-2021: DDays without end. Porn, cam girls, online EA, dating and cheating websites, actual dating, online sex games, prostitutes, more cam girls. And that's only the stuff I know.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8728795
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 7:08 PM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

I think that's what he wants from you: a reaction. A response.

He knows d@mn well what he needs to do. My guess is that he's just trying to rile you up.

Next time he tries to pull that sh!t, you could try rolling your eyes and move past him like he's not there, or maybe even respond with "sorry you feel that way" or other drab answers if walking away isn't an immediate option.

posts: 382   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8728811
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 TheWorldYouWant (original poster member #78447) posted at 7:43 PM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

Today I'm feeling SO GOOD! I woke up HAPPY!!! and relieved. I'm listening to 70s funk music, working, working on the house project (I work from home so I can do both...and when I'm feeling quite ADHD that's what I must do). STBXWH has not attempted to interact with me today yet. I put on cute clothes, dolled up my hair, I'm wearing perfume and just jamming out to the music. He's going to have feelings about that but I DGAF! Tonight I'm going out for dinner with my delightful daughter-in-law.

I know that within 6 months I will be truly disconnected from him and want nothing more to do with him. It may take less time than that. Once I'm done with a person, I am DONE with them--after caring and trying for so long, when a person has bold-faced betrayed me and then not made amends, I can be the cold-hearted-est bitch alive and just cut off my feelings. He knows that, he's seen it happen multiple times. I don't know or care if he's realizing yet that's what is happening. But it's happening. I will not malinger because of him, I'm gonna be HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes I know there are challenges ahead and my mood will change from day to day. Today, it is GOOD and I am REVELING.

Me, BW: 50s. WH: 50s. Kids: 3 great young adults.

1998-2021: DDays without end. Porn, cam girls, online EA, dating and cheating websites, actual dating, online sex games, prostitutes, more cam girls. And that's only the stuff I know.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8728817
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:28 PM on Friday, April 8th, 2022

Once I'm done with a person, I am DONE with them--after caring and trying for so long, when a person has bold-faced betrayed me and then not made amends, I can be the cold-hearted-est bitch alive and just cut off my feelings. He knows that, he's seen it happen multiple times. I don't know or care if he's realizing yet that's what is happening. But it's happening. I will not malinger because of him, I'm gonna be HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You got this ;) I am exactly like this and my xWS also knows that once a person lands on that list they are banned from my life. My XWS made it onto that list.

(((TheWorldYouWant)))

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8211   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8728844
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 2:02 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

So sad you are going through this. Have you been through counseling? If it were me, I would be on my knees praying, but that is me.

posts: 271   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8732976
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 7:02 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Praying for what?

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8732998
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