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Hi there, are there any lawyers or social workers out here who may know about this? I've looked online and spoken to a few people but no one really has answers. I'm in the US. My abuser is a narcissist. I am living with him and our young daughter. I have an ongoing thread in the wayward side. Yes I am asking for free advice

Any thoughts or advice would be very much appreciated.

1. How long ago did the abuse have to occur? Can it be more than 2 months? A year?
2. A physical incident occurred in 2018. One slap across the face. There's no evidence or reports of this.
3. I've not been physically or sexually abused in the literal way, but coerced to have sex with multiple men by my abuser. He didn't threaten me exactly, but more like intimidated me to comply. A few times he threatened to kick me out, divorce me and keep our daughter from me if I didn't comply. But he never threatened to physically harm me if I didn't obey.
4. Last November, my abuser has pulled a firearm out of our closet, not threatening to use it on me, but he got it out claiming to go hunting, but I knew he was showing this to me to make me think he was going to commit suicide. I talked him out of "going hunting", and later threw it into our pool. There have been a few incidents like this.
5. He has verbally threatened to carry me out of the house and lock me out.
6. In January, something happened that offended him deeply. On the phone he warned me to not come home because he didn't know what would happen (implying he would hurt me or someone else).
7. In February, he got drunk and was slurring, yelling at me, telling me to get the fuck out of his house, and he walked over to me while I was crouched down near the floor, and he put his foot on my chest and pushed me gently enough to not leave a mark or really hurt me, but I fell over. I left the house and slept in my car. He called me at 4:30am asking where I was because I had turned off my location services. I have this particular incident on an audio recording.
8. He stalks me but I don't know if that counts as stalking because we are married and living together. He has 24/7 access and alerts to my phone's whereabouts.
a. Yesterday he followed me to the laundromat and I'm pretty sure it was to make sure I was alone.
b. Last Friday he did that when I was picking up our daughter from school. I was at the school early. He texted me to ask which of us was picking her up and I said I was already there. Then just as school was let out, he pulled up to the school acting all cute and innocent. I'm sure it was not to be cute. It was to make sure I was alone and not cheating on him.
c. One other time around Christmas, I was in a city an hour and a half away getting labs done for my health, and I wanted to go shopping too. I had my daughter with me. When I was almost home, I saw his truck as he raced past me. He beat me home and pretended he was in bed the whole time. His truck engine was clicking and still warm when I got home. I know he followed me. I called him out on it but I didn't say anything about the engine, and he flat out lied and said he had been home all along.

I just don't want to petition for a protective order, have the judge dismiss it and then my abuser gets even worse and there will be hell to pay for going that route. How dare I call him abusive? He will absolutely go nuts. Thanks!

My first reaction is to call the cops when he pulls this crap.

Secobd is please seek out a woman's shelter near you. Talk to someone. Explain everything, just like you did here.

They handle this stuff and know what the law can do for you. Please. Before he escalates and hurts you or your child.

For maybe the first time ever on my years on SI I’m going to claim to be offering you the BEST advice anyone can give you (other than DragnHeart who is saying the same - bless you DH!):

Go online and search domestic abuse hotlines and centers near you. The closer the better because they will know all the local law. Phone them and ask the very questions you are asking us.

Please – I’m a former cop and did a LOT of domestic violence work. For years I volunteered at a DV center and I know what great resources they are. I also see and recognize the pattern you describe and this can ONLY end in one of two ways: You create the proper fences keeping him out, or you end up in hospital – or the morgue.

Little steps. Don’t get overwhelmed. First is to find a domestic violence center in your area and secretly sign up for counseling services. You will be believed there!!!! Our center has attorneys on staff to help you thru this. It seems monumental to untangle yourself from an abuser, but the dv center will give you the tools and support you need to do this. Our center is set up to help you quickly-not drag it out for years. I’ve btdt -I had 2 preteens at the time-and it’s so worth it!!!!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:45 PM, Sunday, April 3rd]

You’d be surprised at how many of these bullies actually back down when the light of the justice system is shined on them. They have big egos and don’t want to look bad. My xh and an x boyfriend all said they were gonna take the kids, kill me, on and on. Once I got the DV center to help me -they are experts at shutting down the drama-both my x backed way off.

A domestic violence restraining order / protective order is going to depend on your state's law as to what types of behavior it is based on. In California, where I am a licensed attorney who works with domestic violence cases, the definition is very expansive, so stalking or emotional abuse are behaviors that a DVRO could be based on.

However, even if a DVRO could be based on stalking or emotional abuse, it can be difficult to prove that there is a pattern of those behaviors if there are no witnesses. And men who abuse their partners are usually really good at making sure there are no witnesses to their behaviors. It can also be difficult to prove abuse (in court) if you are seen to have "contributed" in any way to the abuse. E.g., if you are both drunk and yelling at each other, and you were to end up physically hurt, a judge might decide that your injuries were your own fault. (Judges and our court systems have a lot of prejudice against abuse victims, and victims are often re-traumatized by the legal process or the process may be used against them by abusers.)

I agree with Bigger that you should contact your local domestic violence resources for help. You should work on getting out of your living situation as soon as possible. Once you are no longer physically living together, and you've given your abuser a clear message that the relationship is over, then if/when he continues the abuse it may be easier for you to prove that he's doing it.

I would look up your state laws regarding protective orders. In my state in order to get one granted you need to meet the burden of proof.
I would also suggest the next time he pulls something abuse whether it be verbal physical emotional you contact the police.
If anything it would get a temp order in place for a few days for your guys to have a "cooling off" period. they you can go to the courts and file for a protective order and once he is served with the summons he cant have any contact with you before the court date.
When you go to the court date bring all your evidence every recording, pic and witness statements to the abuse etc. anything that you have that the judge can say by state law you've met the burden of proof and the injunction is granted. I will worn you if you dont get the injunction granted things can escalate and its not very good.

Here a little example. My ex was abusive anyway you can think. I got fed up with everything and just wanted out. He wouldnt leave the house as he was on the lease, and living there off my dime, so I couldn't get him out unless I evicted him which would take months. my ex was getting more and more physically abuse everyday. hed yell at me for hours we are talking from the time I got home from work until I went to woke the next day. it was exhausting. Finally I had enough and filed for a protection order. he had to leave the house for 72 hours. and then show up at the court date. I had all my ducks in a row for the court hearing. that is until i was told if i used the voice recording on my phone id lose my phone to the court as evidence. I didnt have any money to replace the phone so it was just here say and I lost the injunction. my ex was able to come back home, my God he was the cockiest little shit ever. The abuse slowed down and it wasnt so bad until about a month later. my ex blew the f up at me. he pushed me down on the ground swing me around by my hair. threw me down some stairs. took my cell phone from me and threw it in the woods. this went on all night and all into the next afternoon. my son had a dr appt in the afternoon so I got him and my daughter ready for the appts got them in the car. I went inside for my phone since he said he had it. my ex was flipping out because he couldnt find my engagement ring that he took from me and hid in his clothes (I took back because he didnt have a right to it since i paid for it), that when all hell broke lose. I was thrown into everything possible. I was able to make a break for it upstairs to the phone and called 911 I was connected as he kicked open the door and took the phone from me. I was able to run out of the house and grab my cell phone he left on the table and call 911 back with both my kids in the car. I met officers at a gas station. they went and met with the ex and he was arrested. my ex was out the next day. but I had no contact with me or the house. guess who shows up? the ex so I called the police and he throws my phone in the wood mid call. but lucky the cops show up. the ex takes off and out ran the cops and got away. I think it was 3 days later the ex shows up again. He barges in the house with his scummy friends I tell him he cant be there, as hes looking for something in the house I go outside and call the cops. my ex takes off in his car this time. and he gets cornered at the gas station and taser and arrested. his 4 original charges turn into 14. hes in jail for a day and get released with a GPS but the judge f up and put that he could be on house arrest at home meaning our home so I had to call the office and get it switched He almost didnt get released since he had to have a physcial address. 2 weeks pass by and I hadnt seen or heard from the ex and I get a call from the police asking me if I was home I said no. they pinged the ex at my house an hour before. and now was no longer pinning. OH shit. he just stole his other vehicle and it made it a block before overheating and he had to ditch it. I come to find out he was leaving that night to jump the state a few days before his court hearing. its been almost 2 yrs. Ive never been so happy to have someone out of my life. He still has an active warrant and there still is an order in place so that dude cant have any contact with me or my house, my house that he has zero right to now since I bought it from the landlord. THe ex has 14 charges still to answer for plus him fleeing the state to avoid court, tampering with GPS, violating his court conditions.

The tough thing to swallow is that the judge that said i didnt meet the burden of proof was the same judge ex had to face in court. Now I can understand how people get murdered in domestic cases. my town just had a domestic abuse case turn into murder a few months ago.

Im not trying to scare you. but if you do file with the court do so asap. once hes served disappear until court. bring every bit of evidence that abuse is taking place. always have your phone ready to call 911

I was referred to a woman's abuse center during my D. I really didn't think I need to contact them because I did not think I qualified as what I thought was traditional abuse. It is easy to downplay or justify stuff in our heads when we are stuck in that situation.

The information they provided was PRICELESS. I encourage you to contact a center for advice. That said.....this is some of the things they had me do:

Keep a log. Nothing like a lengthy dairy but more of a date/time and brief summary of the incident. They said in my county the Judge actually takes you behind closed doors to discuss your situation. They said having a history log goes a long way in showing this is not a new issue, etc. and getting you your order sooner. You already have a great start below.

Go to the police. While I could not prove anything at the time, by going to the police it started a file on my situation. So if/when they ever did get a 911 call from my house, they already know there is a history there (again - helping you get protection quicker).

Do not play the suicide-threats game. When he says/does something implying that, call 9-1-1. If he is bluffing, it calls him out on his BS. If he is serious, it gets him in a position to get the help he needs.

I am not familiar with your story but please keep working towards getting yourself and DD into a safe environment. As your partner sees he/she is losing control, their behaviors escalated.

I have learned recently that many women who go to protective shelters to protect themselves AND their child, get their child taken away! Beware!
What I am saying is very complex and I hate to say "don't trust anyone" but that is exactly what I am saying. Yes, I have been hearing these stories first person from real women.

There are good cops, good judges, good social centers, and all of it, but at the same time there are people everywhere who misinterpret situations no matter how well you attempt to explain it. One shelter might provide just what you are looking for, while another will have do-gooder know-it-alls running it, telling YOU that you endangered your daughter by staying with him as long as you did, and so they take your daughter and you have to fight to get her back. (or they may not tell you anything but they report you to CPS, for in their view, "staying with an abuser too long.").

So what would I suggest? Try to find someone safe to stay with until you can get on your feet, with a shelter being the last resort. File for a divorce. If you feel he is threatening after you leave, definitely attempt to get a protective order based on what you posted and any new threats.

I have many years in social work under my belt.

1. A protective order is a good idea, but please remember it is simply a piece of paper, so if there is any chance charges could be filed to add further protection, call the police. Any evidence or pictures or witnesses that can help back you up it’s a good thing. Do not worry if none of that exists. The most important thing would be to make sure you are very clear in the paperwork you do file.

2. Do you have a safety plan? Who can you turn to to live with or stay with and keep away from him? I don’t want to scare you, but the most violent time in a relationship tends to be when someone is leaving. Do not let that stop you from leaving, but be safe and think about what your safety options are. If you are staying in that home, change all locks when the protective order removes him. Also, make sure people you trust know where you are at/coming/going. Try not to come and go in the dark if you do not have to. Also, just be aware of your surroundings and who is around you.

3. Call your local domestic violence hotline, Google and you should find who that is. The advocates do an amazing job at showing up at court with you and helping you walk through local options and local resources.

4. Some states allow you to file through the Secretary of State, or another agency, and you can mask your address if you move so that the abuser does not find your address listed. All court documents and such would go to this masked address and then forwarded to you. Look up Safe at Home in Iowa for an example.

5. Tell people you trust what is going on. The more people that understand your situation, the more safe eyes on you. Just make sure the people you are telling know that they should not take action or go defend you. It’s more safety not revenge.

6. Do you have a way to stash cash away or make sure you have your own account so that you do have some money set aside? Start doing that even if it is a little by little. Sometimes local churches can help with a little bit of escape money as well. Remember the shelters as an option.

7. If you are not leaving right away, find an old cell phone or tablet with Wi-Fi accessibility. Charge it and keep it upright and plugged in somewhere in a well traveled area in your home. Download a free app that will tape record when motion activated. That could help catch him threatening or whatever he does. Do not tell him you are doing this.

Please find your local Domestic Violence Advocate and let them help you with local resources, shelters, etc.

[This message edited by deena04 at 2:33 AM, Saturday, April 23rd]