SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I FINALLY F*ING DID IT!!!

On what would’ve been my mom’s 70th birthday, I called my father and let him know that our relationship was not healthy for me, that I wouldn’t respond to any attempts to contact me, and I loved him and wished the best for him. Then I hung up. It was glorious. I cried soooooo much after. I was grieving the loss of my only living parent, the idea of the relationship I always wanted but never had with him, and I finally felt free. Fiancé held my hand through the entire thing and then held me after.

Fiancé checked the mail today and in it was a letter with my house key to return to me. It said the following:

Please find herein the house key to *my address* for
purposes of emergency/utilitarian entry.
Be advised you may discard the key we gave you for entry into *their address*. New locks were installed today.
Thank you for your attention in this matter.
Signed: 03/15/22
*Signed by him and his gf*

Y’all. I am WHEEZING. This is the freaking funniest thing I’ve ever read. I just oh man..

His whole family backs me up on my decision. My grandma, his mom, took money from his inheritance to put aside for me in case I needed a lawyer to go against him after my mom died and she’s using that to help me pay for my wedding. I love my family so much.

Yay!! Good for you!! Glad you have a supportive fiance and family. Keep moving forward and looking ahead and embracing the life you've made for yourself.

Good for you!

That letter says everything that needs to be said.
Not about you, but about why you are probably correct in your decision.

I went NC with my dad 15 years ago. It's hard to do but it's a huge thing to recognize when someone is toxic for you and to cut ties, especially when that toxic person is a family member.

It took me 8 years past NC to really reach forgiveness for my dad. It wasn't easy. Even tho mine was not good to me and I knew NC was the best decision, I still grieved that loss. I looked at it like my grieving was all that toxicity leaching out of my body a drop at a time. Now all these years later I am in a good place about him and with myself.

Just give yourself some grace and know that it's okay to grieve that loss or even to miss him. Those are really conflicting feelings with an NC person, but you're likely to have them. It's all part of processing.

Good for you in taking the steps you need to take to care for yourself!

I am not NC with my very narcissistic mother, but I am extremely distant (even though she lives 10 min away). Nobody in my family approves of the distance I keep (they support her narcissism and buy into me as the scapegoat), but I had to learn to completely detach from their judgment, too. The detaching from my mother and extended family saved my life, and I mean that quite literally.

If the pushback on my availability got to be too much, my only option would be NC. And I would do it. I've learned to value myself and my mental health over the glamorized view of parents as supportive, healthy, and loving people. It's a fairytale that does more harm than good sometimes. As I frequently say, we don't all win the parenting lottery.

You have done yourself a huge favor. Making peace with prioritizing yourself and reminding yourself that you are a good, kind, fair, loving person who has done nothing wrong in cutting him out will add years of happiness to your life! It's frustrating that much of society doesn't get it, but we don't need their approval. We know what's true in our own lives, and we don't all win the parenting lottery.

Enjoy life away from the toxic. I know you will.

Even tho mine was not good to me and I knew NC was the best decision, I still grieved that loss. I looked at it like my grieving was all that toxicity leaching out of my body a drop at a time.

That describes exactly how I felt- it was like all the "could’ve beens" and "actually happened" and "why did you do this to me when I didn’t ask for any of it" just came out in my tears.

the glamorized view of parents as supportive, healthy, and loving people. It's a fairytale that does more harm than good sometimes. As I frequently say, we don't all win the parenting lottery

This!! So many people say "they’re blood" or whatever, but if I wouldn’t tolerate that behavior from a friend, what makes a blood relative any more special or important that I would tolerate it then? A friend who also went NC with her parent pointed out that there isn’t a word to describe "divorcing" a parent that is socially understood. I get why that doesn’t exist, but it really should. Normalize going NC with anyone toxic!!

One update of note that I appreciated- we had dinner at a place on my dads side of town Saturday and I thought I saw him there. I didn’t have any anxiety or tension!! It felt WONDERFUL to realize for the last week that I’ve had NO nightmares, no anxiety, and while it’s been one hell of a week for other reasons, it’s also the best week I’ve had in probably my lifetime.