SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Our DDay was this past June and I've done everything I can to try a save my marriage. It's just not working and I think it's time for a divorce. We have 3 kids and a beautiful house.

I've worked with a mortgage officer and learned that it's possible (although barely) for me to buy her out with a cash out re-fi. I know she won't like that idea, but even with child support, she'll never be able to afford that on her own. Plus, it's the only way I can think of that doesn't involve uprooting our 3 elementary aged kids.

I've also spoken with an attorney and I have the retainer fee sitting in the bank. Her birthday is coming in a couple weeks and she's taking a trip with her girlfriend to Miami Beach.

She doesn't know that this is what I'm planning, although I doubt she'd be super surprised.

What's the best process to follow? Should I keep things close to my chest and tell her only after I've filed? Or, should I discuss with her my intent to file for divorce? Should I wait until after her birthday so as not to ruin that for her?

The objective is to keep things amicable and to try to work through things without a huge fight. I feel that I'd be super reasonable with things. I'm not so sure about her, though. If you read my story in my profile, you'll see that she's not wrapped very tight.

BTW, I live in a no-fault state and all martial assets are divided 50/50.

Also, should I offer up my money for her to pay for a retainer for a lawyer? What did you guys do about that?

Thanks!

Sit her down and tell her that you've filed due to XXX reason. File first and then tell her.

Her birthday is of no concern to your timeline.

Separate your finances as per your lawyer's instructions and do not offer any money for her lawyer. She is on her own.

She had zero concerns over you or the family with her affair, there is zero reason to have concerns for her now that it's time to pay the bill.

We each retained our own lawyers with each our own money (we've always had our own separate accounts, as well as a joint account to cover household expenses). The moneys in those separate individual accounts are still considered marital assets, though....

I agree that you file first and then tell her without worrying about her birthday.
Follow all the guidance from your lawyer regarding finances but do not do anything that is not in your or your kids best interest. Since you are not sure how she will act, make sure you have moved your share of the money somewhere she can’t access — just in case and to ensure you have what is yours to take care of your kids.
Actions have consequences and she will have to live the consequences of her actions.

It doesn’t have to be ugly— but you can only control you, so protect yourself.

Not fun, but many of us find a sort of peace when we have made the decision and start moving through the D. It sucks, but at least we are moving forward and no longer in infidelity. Good luck!

Not that it matters at this point, but I find her going off with her girlfriend to Miami to celebrate her birthday, given her recent history of cheating, extremely inappropriate. I guess she can go fuck whomever she wishes with a clear conscience if you serve her before she leaves. You have been given good advice on what to do. Stay as amicable as possible. The quicker you can move through this process the better. Good luck. You certainly are doing the right thing.

What's the best process to follow? Should I keep things close to my chest and tell her only after I've filed? Or, should I discuss with her my intent to file for divorce? Should I wait until after her birthday so as not to ruin that for her?

I am of the opinion that it is best to be upfront with the end of things. Tell her the truth, you've tried what you could to repair the damage that she did, its not working for you, and its time to end things. You can wait until after her birthday, but I don't believe telling her before, during, or after will have that much of an impact either way.

Start by researching the process in your state and then talking to your attorney about your options and questions. He can answer issues such as if marital funds can be used for attorney costs and such. He can also tell you if you two can use mediation, one attorney together, what a realistic outcome would look like, what you can do to minimize cost (generally the information-gathering process) and so on.
Then follow his advice.

What's the best process to follow? Should I keep things close to my chest and tell her only after I've filed? Or, should I discuss with her my intent to file for divorce? Should I wait until after her birthday so as not to ruin that for her?

The objective is to keep things amicable...

A divorce, by its nature, is not amicable. She is almost certainly going to be pissed off, no matter what you do. There is a possibility that the two of you remain cordial and professional and THAT should be your goal.

Make sure that you watch your behavior as best as you can. I would recommend that you don't even raise your voice to her if you can avoid it. Get yourself a voice-activated recorder if your state is a one-party state (CYA!). If she tries to start an argument, be prepared to simply and literally walk away.

I wouldn't tell her that you want a divorce until your attorney has written up the papers for dissolution of marriage. I would follow your attorney's advice for how to have her served, but I wouldn't tell her that you want a divorce until you are ready to have her served. For example, I can envision that you could sit her down on a Sunday evening and for the "I want a divorce" conversation. Keep that conversation short, but end the conversation with: (a) you can voluntarily pick up the papers form my attorney's office, or (b) I can have you served. If she chooses (a), then give her a fairly short deadline (like a week?) before you go to option (b).

As far as the house, just because you can afford to keep it... does not mean that you will be allowed to keep it. If she wants to force you to sell it, then she can easily do that (my divorce has easily cost more than $50,000... based on what you wrote, you probably can't afford to keep your house if your divorce becomes that expensive). Absolutely try to keep your house because that will be a major asset for you as far as custody and keeping things in good shape with your kids (i.e., your kids will want to keep their home too).

Be prepared for a lot of blowback from your kids. This part really sucks. Chances are, they will see you as the villain even if she had an affair. You almost just have to suck it up and take the abuse because you don't want to defend yourself by discussing with your kids that she had an affair and that you can't stay married to someone like that. Along those lines, be a great dad. Play the long game, meaning you should keep in mind that your goal is for your kids to love you when they are 22 years old rather than when they are 11 years old (I don't know the ages of your kids, so I am making that part up).

p.s. Most of the above involves me saying "do as I say, not as I did." Learn from my mistakes...

Do NOT offer her money for legal fees or any other purpose. The laws of your state will dictate the division of money. If you earn significantly more than her, it's likely you will be paying spousal support and, in many states, you will also end up paying some or all of her legal fees via the divorce settlement. Listen to and follow your lawyer's advice on this.

Do NOT offer her money for legal fees or any other purpose. The laws of your state will dictate the division of money.

Let her pay her own way.

If you earn significantly more than her, it's likely you will be paying spousal support and, in many states, you will also end up paying some or all of her legal fees via the divorce settlement. Listen to and follow your lawyer's advice on this.

In some countries you may end up paying for the other parties legal fees in part or whole, but not in the U.S unless you agree to it or piss off the judge.

Does your STBXWW work? Or was she a SAHM? That shouldn't affect your decision, but it will affect the settlement.

Your story in the bio does not show a person who is working on the M or to improve herself to make herself a safe partner.

In regards to how to proceed to try to keep things amicable, you can only control how YOU handle the situation. Similar to the A, you can't stop your STBXWW from becoming angry, combative and troublesome, if she chooses to. You know her best, so you have a better idea how she will react to the news than anyone else.

Keep in mind, she may actually want the D, but is just waiting for you to file. It is possible.

Also, you can try to be cooperative, but that doesn't mean you let her have her way. You want this to be amicable. That's reasonable. But if your WW is not, then you will have to protect yourself and your children. That doesn't make you a bad guy.

Has your attorney put together a proposed settlement that might be fair to you both?

And don't worry about her birthday trip. She clearly isn't worried about you.

Does your STBXWW work? Or was she a SAHM? That shouldn't affect your decision, but it will affect the settlement.

Your story in the bio does not show a person who is working on the M or to improve herself to make herself a safe partner.

In regards to how to proceed to try to keep things amicable, you can only control how YOU handle the situation. Similar to the A, you can't stop your STBXWW from becoming angry, combative and troublesome, if she chooses to. You know her best, so you have a better idea how she will react to the news than anyone else.

Keep in mind, she may actually want the D, but is just waiting for you to file. It is possible.

Also, you can try to be cooperative, but that doesn't mean you let her have her way. You want this to be amicable. That's reasonable. But if your WW is not, then you will have to protect yourself and your children. That doesn't make you a bad guy.

Has your attorney put together a proposed settlement that might be fair to you both?

And don't worry about her birthday trip. She clearly isn't worried about you.

She's a school teacher and makes a little money, but not a ton. I have only met with the attorney over the phone and will meet with him face to face next Thursday to work on a proposed settlement that I hope will be fair to the both of us. No telling how she'll react. Maybe you're right... maybe she'll be happy/relieved.

OP

Read your story and it's pretty damn gut wrenching. God bless you for hanging on this long. I tried to work things out for a year. Needless to say it didn't work out.

You post prompted me today because you are about to start your journey down this long road.

Remember these 2 things. And really think about this.

1. No one can negotiate a divorce for you better than you. NO ONE

2. You can not beat crazy or win against crazy. You can only manage it to a favorable outcome for you.

I would recommend you not say anything to your WW yet. I would also recommend you study 1 above and then you and your wife go to a lawyer to do only one thing. Execute the divorce that your wife and you come up with. That in my opinion is all a lawyer is good for.

You are your best lawyer. Come up with a game plan and then everything will happen naturally.

That is what I did anyway. Worked like a charm.