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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
I am foolish?

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 Faithfinder (original poster new member #79750) posted at 2:47 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

So I feel like I having making strides after the bomb drop of the engagement of my WH and his AP and other things. I have my therapist and a coach to help me heal. I told my WH after the engagement bomb that he was not welcome at my home at night anymore (still can’t kick him out). He sleeps up by his AP’s place 4 nights out of 7,what is another 3. Apparently they have an arrangement of some sort.

Anyways, I had to take a ride with him earlier in his truck. I noticed that it looked as though he was sleeping in his truck. I asked if why? I thought he had been staying with her. He has been staying at a truck stop. I asked if he was punishing himself?

He left and let him go. But then my darn heart broke for him. I drove down to the truck stop and he was not there. I texted him and he said he know I might do that and he did not want anyone seeing him like that. He thanked me when I told him to just sleep at my house and told him that I was bringing him a pillow. He said no, he has to do this. He said he was good and really okay. He said he did this so he needs to figure it out.

Now I feel like his rescuer again. I know he needs to figure this out himself but why do I continue to do these things? Yes, I know I have to figure me out. I was finally angry with him but now I feel sorry for him. He is the father of my kids and has been my partner for almost half my life. I recognize this him is NOT the man I married.

It’s like 1 step forward and 2 back. I can’t be his life jacket when he is drowning but after all he has done to me, I need to figure out why I still feel the need to be and how to stop that way of thinking. This really sucks!

Me: BW- 45Him: WH - 50AP-26, coworkerDday 10/3/2021Married 17 years, together 21 years
3 kids
Finally served separation papers 1/22

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2022
id 8709707
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:50 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

I drove down to the truck stop and he was not there. I texted him and he said he know I might do that and he did not want anyone seeing him like that.


I'm not sure I'd believe the truck stop story. He told you something, you checked it out, and it turned out he wasn't there. That's what you know. Where he actually was is unknown and his word is no longer good enough to trust without proof.

Don't beat yourself up. Your WS knows you, and if he wants, he can utilize that knowledge to manipulate your emotions. Like you said, you've been with him half your life. Actions mean more than words right now. Watch what he does, not what he says. Hell, he might've been napping because he's partying too much, or he an the AP might've had an argument. NONE of that is your problem or your responsibility. What you're looking for are ACTIONS which tell you he's making real changes. This isn't it.

I know it's hard. But you're doing okay. Just keep marching on.. one foot in front of the other and devil take the hindmost.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8709717
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Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 4:25 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

FF, we are good people....GOOD people have tender and compassionate hearts...we can’t help it. But don’t fall back into his trap...he’s a liar and a cheater.

I also feel sorry for my treacherous spouse...he stabbed me in the back and has left my heart and soul in tatters. He has no one...no real friends, no close family...his kids are oblivious...I WAS HIS WORLD, and he still chose to betray me. But I feel sorry for him and I think about him being alone. I shouldn’t, but I do....because I still care for him and because I’m a decent human being, unlike him.

But I don’t share those feelings with him and I don’t allow those feelings to veil his despicable and abusive betrayal.

Stop rescuing him...that’s what these cheaters want...when they find out the grass isn’t greener, they play these stupid games to appeal to our goodness. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Don’t buy a ticket to his pity party.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709718
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 6:09 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

I agree with the others. He has made his bed. Time to lie in it. Or his truck. Whatever, that's his problem.

You need to fully focus on yourself and your recovery. If you are ready to move on, he's not your problem any longer. If you are holding out hope that he will come to his senses and do the work to R, the only way that's going to happen is for reality to set in.

You deserve better!

Me: 60, BS
Her: 59, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 199   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8709724
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oldmewasmurdered ( member #79473) posted at 6:39 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

Just want to say wow you're such a kind hearted person. Your soul is so bright for showing so much care you must light up anyone's day you come in contact with. Wish you all the strength.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709729
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 Faithfinder (original poster new member #79750) posted at 5:57 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Thank you Oldme! I appreciate your kind words.

Me: BW- 45Him: WH - 50AP-26, coworkerDday 10/3/2021Married 17 years, together 21 years
3 kids
Finally served separation papers 1/22

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2022
id 8710034
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:14 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

You are a good kind caring person. And you spent years worrying about and caring about your WH. It is a hard habit to break, especially when it aligns with your good nature.

But he CHOSE his path. He decided this is what he wants. Maybe he is trying to "be the martyr" or punish himself or whatever— doesn’t matter. He CHOSE this. And he fired you from taking care of him when he walked out. He fired you.

It is hard to break that impulse to help— but you really need to try. He’s a grown ass man and can figure out his own life now. You focus on you and only you. Good job getting IC and IRL support— so helpful. And good for you to have boundaries around your home and where he is not welcome. When will your D be final and he will leave the house? Please re-read the 180 and start implementing— it will help you detach and stop helping him.

Hang in there — you are doing great and you will get to the other side. (((Hugs)))

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4363   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8710061
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 8:45 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Now I feel like his rescuer again. I know he needs to figure this out himself but why do I continue to do these things? Yes, I know I have to figure me out. I was finally angry with him but now I feel sorry for him. He is the father of my kids and has been my partner for almost half my life. I recognize this him is NOT the man I married.

You are a kind, compassionate person.....someone that only a fool would betray.

But, FF, it is your kindness and compassion that is going to keep you at the minimum, on a slow ride out of infidelity, or worse yet, stuck in it.....unable to move. You don't need to be cruel to him, but you don't need to save him, either. I know, I know......MUCH easier said than done, but it is the truth nonetheless. He has to help himself.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3898   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8710064
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:49 PM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

Your kindness is admirable. However it is also hurting YOU by staying locked in this warp with him.

And you are not helping him either. He needs to face and accept the consequences. He needs to figure out his life. Without you.

Think of it this way. If a random stranger walked up and stabbed you - the stranger would end up in jail. Consequences. Would you consider having the stranger come live with you and avoid jail? Of course not.

But in effect that is what you are allowing with your H.

Shielding him is not the way to go here. IF you have an opportunity to reconcile you need to be strong and re-define the marriage. You need to have the marriage you want and deserve.

He needs to see you in a different light.

My H NEVER expected me to stand up to him. I told him I was D him snd he had to leave our home. He saw a side of me he never expected.

And……that re-defined our marriage. It’s been 8 years and we are happily reconciled. I changed. He changed. Our marriage changed for the better.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8710142
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:26 PM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

Thank you for being a good person. This forum has thousands and most of us understand each other.

But. You cannot let this man control your life anymore. He has found his cute young thing and is way in too deep to care about your pain. He only cares about himself.

When I read about the number of men who have dumped their good wives for a younger woman I know there is something off about them. First, they are so shallow. Second, they are so shallow. Third, they are so……. You get my meaning. He is blinded by looks and age which is not the sign of an adult. You are an adult.

You don’t throw a family away on someone’s age or looks.

You need to put some space, emotionally and physically, between you. You have a life to live. Make sure you wake up each day declaring that you have worth. There is nothing wrong with you.

An old saying is, "You have made your bed, now lie in it" so let him handle his screw ups. He fired you from that job.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3108   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8710148
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 Faithfinder (original poster new member #79750) posted at 3:59 PM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

Thank you everyone! You are all so right and even my WH said the same thing to me in a text - he did this and he needs to try and figure things out. He knew me so well that he had a feeling I would show up. I need to continue my journey and see how things play out. My main focus is me and the kids and it will continue to be that way.

The one thing I have learned is that my WH and his young enough to be his daughter OW, don’t not have the strength that I am learning I have. They are not the ones picking up the pieces of a broken family and making sure the kids get through this. They are not the ones going from married into single mom mode and making it work. They are not the ones financially going from two income to one while trying to keep a roof over the kids heads and making sure they have food on the table and all the bills are paid. No they are off in la la land, with no responsibilities and living life the way they want.

Me: BW- 45Him: WH - 50AP-26, coworkerDday 10/3/2021Married 17 years, together 21 years
3 kids
Finally served separation papers 1/22

posts: 28   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2022
id 8710158
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trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 4:27 PM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

This is going to be harsh. For your sake, please just stop the madness. You said you had the divorce papers, has he been served? Move on so you can get alimony and child support and get him out of the house. Prolonging the misery just hurts you, and probably your children.

Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R

posts: 2318   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2014
id 8710162
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