SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I like Bigger's speech, but after my experience of almost six years, and reading incessantly, I believe in action before words. The impact is greater. If I was in your ear, you'd start here...

My advice: File for divorce. Remain amicable. If she shows any true desire to stop all this crap and makes the appropriate effort, you can rescind the process. I have read stories of WWs on this forum who have done just that. She is nowhere close to being like them.

Once she's served, then serve up Bigger's talk.

My 2 cents.

We were separated 13 years ago and dated other people, but after working it out and deciding on our second child, we agreed to be with each other only and if we want to be with someone else,

What was the basis for your separation, and how did it give the option of dating others? Whose idea was that?

Am asking, as my personal view of a separation, is to focus on yourself, to sort out yourself, not to go dating others.

Anyway, since you two had made that decision, what were the boundaries that were established for that separation? Dating could be as innocuous as going out for a coffee, all the way to a full on sexual experience.

I do know that she has ended it.

How sure are you that this is true? What is your source? Your WW that has been lying to you....?

She seems torn if the better approach is to just divorce and/or work on the marriage. She wants to keep the family, but seems unhappy.

I hope that this is just an observation, and not a factor for you to think about R. If that is the case, I would advise you stop that behaviour, as it would lead to doing the Pick-Me dance, which would spiral into your destruction, as you will lose all sense of your 'self'. You will lose any self-respect you have, and your moral compass will swing around wildly.

So, it would be good to stop thinking about life in terms of your WW, but life in terms of you and your children. The CHOICE to betray you and your family was made by your WW. Nobody else. YOU should start thinking for the longer term, and planning on a future for you and your children. If your WW decides to join you on the journey, well and good, but there would be conditions.

If your WW truly wants to live a life with you, she would be doing everything to earn a CHANCE at R, as R is not, and should not be, a given.

She needs this position because it's for a specific specialty and quitting without a similar position would set her back immensely on her career path.

Guess HER choice to have an A could well affect her 'career path'..... Let's see what her decision is, her 'career path', or you and the kids.....

She also told me this person is on rotation so they only see each other once every week or so

Once chance is still a chance, and even better for her, she has about two chances a week to see her AP! This will help her keep her lurve for her AP alive. There have been WS who have not seen their AP for years, and yet rekindle their A after a 'chance meeting'. In your case, your WW has many chances to see her AP... in a week.

They haven't seen each other since dday that I am sure of. Their last conversation was on 12.25 when she broke it off that night.

Again, stand back and question your source(s). Look at the data dispassionately, and try and pick holes in the data. Until it can be verified, treat it as a lie.

Honestly at this point if she does talk to him, I almost welcome it so that my decision will be easier.

Honestly, this is said by a lot of BS. Understandable, but don't kid yourself. BS like to give themselves a false sense of bravado, and when it comes down to it, some fold, and go into a depression spiral. So, how sure are you of this?

My advice, don't even think about what you will do yet, there will be a time and place for it. So, Sit back, go on with your life, do what is best for you, which will benefit your kids. Your WW should not factor into this planning. Keep yourself sane and as happy as you can be, this would flow on to being a good parent to your kids.

Perfectpain

I really must look at how I word things.
Many see my post as suggesting you file or divorce.
It’s not.
To use a comparison: if you open your front door to enter your house and are met by a wall of flames, I’m encouraging you to accept and realize that your home is on fire and then take the appropriate action. That action is not necessarily to give up on the house and move on to another one. Nor would it be to find ways to live with the flames or the charred remains. The correct action would be to do what’s needed to be 100% certain the fire is out and then establishing if the house can be repaired, or if the damage is too extensive.

What she’s saying is typical for those that try to control the situation. "I will allow you to remain married to me on my conditions, and they are that it’s your fault I had to have an affair and we won’t talk too much about it going forward."

My speech addresses this situation, and if applied it get’s you out of the present limbo:

Until and unless you show me with actions and tell me in a clear vocal way that you want this marriage, I am simply assuming you have decided to be in infidelity. I am therefore also assuming our marriage is over. I will start detaching, and I will soon start the legal process of terminating our marriage.

Telling you she’s not sure she wants this marriage is not a clear vocal way with actions telling you she wants the marriage. Therefore, you simply carry on with the detachment and your research on how you can terminate the marriage. No rush and don’t need to file to get this started. Start by removing "couples" actions like going together to a movie, planning for the new car, looking at brochures for Hawaii and so on. Your future doesn’t run parallel much longer if she doesn’t commit.

Either way, no happy ending here.

Really? Why not? Do nothing and remain in infidelity and yes, there won’t be a happy ending. This is IMHO what most people do. Sometimes hiding behind comments like "staying for the kids" or "not wanting to break up a family". Things that should and could impact the necessity of commitment to attempt reconciling, but if the couple can’t settle on a mutually acceptable view on marriage then D is IMHO always the better option.
For those that EITHER reconcile or divorce there is a good ending. Not necessarily "happy", but good, and good can lead to happy.

One more point:
Is the OM married?
What is his position in the company? A superior to her? Comparable in the company hierarchy?

Hello perfectpain. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

It took about 16 days before I was able to get more than three hours of sleep. Emotions are up and down and pain I've never felt before.

You've already received some great advice and guidance from some of the very same gentlemen who helped me when I first arrived here many years ago. So, I'm going to focus on this for a bit.

For most folks, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock, resulting in severe emotional and psychological trauma. Like you, I couldn't sleep, my emotions were all over the fucking place, often from minute to minute. I couldn't eat, either, losing over 30lb with about three months. I couldn't focus. I'd walk into another room and forget why I was there, start a task and quickly forget what the hell I was doing.

As for the pain... well, brother, it seems to me that aside from the loss of a child, nothing compares. You'll encounter all sorts of people here, from all walks of life, with all sorts of experiences, and the vast majority will tell you that surviving infidelity is the most challenging and painful time of their lives. I'm certainly one of them.

Focusing on you, your recovery and healing is your top priority for the foreseeable future. It took me about 10 months to recover and start feeling a semblance of my old self again. It's taken me years to heal from it all. Recovering and healing will move faster the more you focus on you, your recovery and healing. It's hard work and it takes time, but rest assured, you'll get there.

Eat healthy meals and stay hydrated.

Hit the gym (get some exercise).

Avoid alcohol and rec drugs; they only prolong the pain.

Talk to your doctor and let him know what's going on in your life. Chances are, he's heard it before (as did my doctor).

If you need space and time to yourself, take it!

Also, check out The Healing Library. You'll find a link at the top of the page. Inside the "Articles" tab you'll find a wealth of truly outstanding essays by veteran SI members.

Generally speaking, the mental gymnastics a WS goes through in order to justify behavior they know to be inherently wrong is astonishing. I'm not speaking from personal experience, of course. However, I know my own STBXWW and have read from WS here on SI. They will, to varying degrees, rewrite the history of their marriage and shift the blame to their spouse or the marriage, delude themselves into thinking they will never get caught, believe they're entitled to get their needs met, etc., etc.,

Once exposed, your average WS goes straight into "damage control" mode, which includes lying, gas-lighting, blame-shifting, deflecting, equivocating, etc., etc.,

So, what's a brother to do?

Focus on you, your recovery and healing. Did I mention that yet?

Step-back and detach from your WW. Remember, her issues are not your issues. People cheat for their own selfish, entitled, fucked-up reasons. It's got nothing at all to do with you. Nothing you ever said or didn't say, nothing you ever did or didn't do, would have made any difference at all. Infidelity has nothing at all to do with a betrayed spouse. And that's what really sucks the most! We simply didn't matter when they choose infidelity as way to cope with their own shit.

If you've got an inkling to give this marriage another shot, watch and observe what she does with the opportunity you've given her. Is she willing and able to own the decisions she's made, without blaming anyone or anything but herself? Is she willing and able to truly own and fix her shit? Is she willing and able to help you to heal, to be there for you when you need her, or to give you time and space when you need it? Is she willing and able to be an authentic human being?

There's no rush, especially when you have young kids--which, not surprisingly, is the number one reason why a BS will give their WS the opportunity to reconcile. It was for me. My son had just turned 4yo a few weeks before d-day.

Reconciliation is possible. It's not easy and there are no guarantees. Most couples, it seems to me, won't make it, for all sorts of reasons.

In the meantime, in case I forgot to mention it, focus on you, your recovery and healing.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 6:55 PM, Monday, January 17th]

I'm not sure how to quote someone's post but that speech is amazing. It's exactly what I was thinking, just better worded. I love this. This should be printed and pinned.

""Wife. I love you and always envisioned being with you forever. However, I realize there is something immensely worse than losing you. In fact, the moment you decided to have an affair I lost you. What is worse is what you are offering me now and have been offering me since the moment you decided to be with OM. I am sharing you.
I do not share my wife. It’s that simple.
You are totally free to be with OM. You don’t have to hide the affair. You can date him, spend time with him, sleep over at his house, whatever. But not as my wife. I hereby absolve you of any obligation or expectation I might have to you as husband and wife.
I do ask that you show me the respect of not having OM around our house, but other than that do what you want.

Until and unless you show me with actions and tell me in a clear vocal way that you want this marriage, I am simply assuming you have decided to be in infidelity. I am therefore also assuming our marriage is over. I will start detaching, and I will soon start the legal process of terminating our marriage.
Don’t worry – there are laws in place that should ensure we both get a fair deal. I don’t want to make this harder than it needs to be so I will place this in the hands of an attorney. I suggest you look into getting your own attorney but maybe we can look into mediation.

If you do want this marriage, then remember you are doing so on your own free will. I am not forcing you to anything. But for me to believe it’s possible I would need some requirements met, such as attainable accountability, a timeline, details about how the affair progressed, a clear NC letter to the OM and accountable NC with OM.""