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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Reconciliation :
Little Victory

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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 9:37 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Today my wife is finishing up the annual review process at her new job (maybe not super new at this point). She was asked to join a colleague (male) for drinks some time this weekend. Both the colleague's spouse and myself were invited initially (potentially kids too depending on location TBD at the time). We looked a little more at plans and it made more sense for them to just meet without everyone getting together. This doesn't bother me at all. There is no pattern that would match what I saw previously, and no risk in my mind of this being another EA.

That said, our conversation was WAY different from the last time she went to go get beers with a friend (who was a mutual friend with the AP). At that time it had been something like, "Do whatever you want." She said, "But there will be consequences?" I said, "Yes." and she went anyway.

This time, I said, "You should just go alone and talk shop. I don't want to deal with a baby sitter, I'm not going to drink any beer anyway (New Year's Resolution in play). I'd rather just stay home with the boys."

She said, "No really, we can just cancel, I don't have to go. I promise you this isn't anything but I don't want you to be even a little uncomfortable."

"It's really totally fine. This is way different than the last time you went out for drinks alone, and I think you can feel that difference."

"I really don't want you to be anxious. It's really no problem if it doesn't fit in our schedule."

"It doesn't bother me at all. Go have a year end beer, and I'll see you when you get back."

"I understand if you are anxious at all though. I could see how it could look."

"That's a solid transference of vigilance, you know from that book on forgiveness, and I think you've handled this really well. Seriously, just go have a beer."

"Thanks."

Then we hugged. That's it.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 9:38 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1652   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709364
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 9:38 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I'd say this is a big victory. smile

Happy for you.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 744   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8709366
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 9:55 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

That's awesome. So happy for you.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4888   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8709376
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 1:31 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Damn! That is excellent.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3366   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8709497
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 6:40 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I have to admit, first time I read the words "transference of vigilance" -- I had no clue. Like many of us, I read lots of books, tons of articles trying to figure out my life after infidelity. I saw the concept, but again, it was way too early at the time in my recovery to understand it, or even look for it.

Today, I'm pretty damn sure if my wife had NOT taken the mantle of vigilance, back to protecting me and us -- I highly doubt I would be in R at all -- much less a happy one.

Sometimes too vigilant as well, where I had to tell her I am not the wounded dude from discovery day anymore.

Weird to see someone go from not being able to see you at all to being overprotective of me.

We are finding the balance where she will not weigh every decision in order to defer to my 'potential' concerns.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4269   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8709582
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ButAnyway ( member #79085) posted at 8:08 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I'm dealing with something similar right now. Effective 1/1/22, my W got a new MALE supervisor and I'm not handling it well, and she's mostly trying to rug sweep my feelings on the matter. I've never met the guy and he lives/works 500 miles away ... my W works remotely. I'm mostly just frustrated over her conflict avoidance and lack of willingness to address an elephant when it walks into a room.

Anyway, it sounds like you're more fully healed and/or your W is more aware of your potential concerns. Good for you ... wish I was there.

posts: 53   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8709605
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:01 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

What a wonderful post. ❤️

posts: 66   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8709660
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 12:06 AM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

I think it’s wonderful that she has earned the right to be trusted and that she has given you the ability to trust.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 603   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8710098
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HowCouldSheDoIt ( member #78431) posted at 2:15 AM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

Very good to hear TIF! Glad to hear things are looking up.

Me: BH Early 50's
Her: WW Early 50's
D-Day Nov 2020
Married 21 years before D-Day
3 children
Working toward reconciling. The most difficult thing I've had to do in my life.

posts: 291   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021
id 8710111
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 2:07 PM on Wednesday, January 19th, 2022

How did the meeting go?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3265   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8710611
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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 4:18 PM on Wednesday, January 19th, 2022

She had a beer or two then came back when she said she would. We talked about what they talked about. Mostly work stuff. A little bit new years resolutions sort of stuff. Nothing surprising or too personal.

She said she couldn't help but to mentally compare it to her EA (that started at a conference over drinks with a coworker) but could recognize how different this meeting was emotionally. That she has good boundaries now and would immediately leave if she felt like anything flirty or bitching about spouses came up. She said she felt very aware of her words and actions. That she was acting as though I was there with her.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1652   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8710641
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:54 AM on Thursday, January 20th, 2022

Have you ever had a conversation between the two of you comparing the insipidness of this meeting to what it felt like to meet with her AP?
Due to the nature of the A, meetings with APs are much more exciting, fun and enjoyable. Aren't you worried that she's making that comparison inside and longing for her A/AP?
The worry I'm talking about here is not the risk of AP re-entering the picture, but just the recollection of those strong emotions.

posts: 620   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8710738
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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 1:47 AM on Thursday, January 20th, 2022

No, I'm not worried.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1652   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8710746
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 1:50 AM on Thursday, January 20th, 2022

This sounds really healthy. Happy for you.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 744   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8710749
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 2:12 AM on Thursday, January 20th, 2022

I'll channel W2BHA and suggest that your OP would be a really nice addition to Positive Reconciliation Stories. I'll even add an emoji in her honor! grin

And either way, thanks for sharing it here. smile

WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2387   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8710754
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RaceTheDream ( new member #41402) posted at 6:32 PM on Friday, January 21st, 2022

That’s great! Sounds like a lot of progress to me!

~RaceTheDreamMe(BS). Him(WS). Together Since Jan.04, 2008 (met when we were 16)Got Engaged Aug. 13, 2012D-Day July 2013 (He confessed 3 years later)Married Jan. 04, 2014Now have 3 children (born 2015, 2017, and 2021)

"And s

posts: 27   ·   registered: Nov. 20th, 2013   ·   location: Oklahoma
id 8711193
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