SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi OP. This stuck out at me at the end of your last reply:

Im just scared of life without him. how different it would be. How hard it might be. but I also know that when we were separated, that month was bumpy for the first week but after that we all settled in and it was nice. I wasnt constantly worried about what his mood would be, what mean thing he would say. Even now I try and keep track of how long its been since we've had sex or anything and the longer it goes the more anxious I get because I know he's gonna ask, ill probably say no and BOOM hug blow up. then I tell myself to just do it to avoid a fight. And the cycle resets

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There's a lot of conflicting thoughts- cognitive dissonance going on here. It looks like your head and gut are warring with your heart. I'm going to pick it apart a bit here and pair the conflicting thoughts for you. Hopefully that clarifies that what your head and gut know, your heart has to learn too.

-When you were separated, "we all settled in and it was nice" - you know you can live without him in peace. No matter how "different or hard" life will be without him, it was "nice."
*Are you scared of life without him or scared of life alone?
-When you were without him you weren't "constantly worried about his mood, what mean thing he would say"
*Why are you allowing your fear of being alone to keep you in a relationship where you're scared of the mean things coming out of his mouth or on eggshells about HIS mood. What about you? What about YOUR mood? Don't you deserve to be cared for?
-Telling yourself to "just do it (have sex)" to avoid the "BOOM huge blow up." Is this how you want to have sex for the rest of your life?
*Is sex just about appeasement? Or is sex something where 2 people can share bodies as a means of expressing their shared love? Aren't you better being alone than remaining in a relationship where sex has to be given in order to stave off the next abusive episode?

This cycle will continue to reset as long as you allow it.

I feel really bad for you and your WH.

Not sure if the order is correct but your WH had some sort of an affair. Your baby passed away at almost fullterm. Your dad passed away. You say that no one is really there to support you in much of anything. You have a special needs child. You are in college working towards your masters degree. At least one of your kids is in a time consuming competitive sport. Sounds like your financial situation is tight. And I haven't read your back history enough but it also sounds like there is someone who is drinking heavily and getting drunk when you needed their help. Was that your mother in law that you were referring to? Oh and your mother in law is li ING with you also?

Of course you are tired and stressed out! Lots of stress! Stresses me out reading this!

You have A LOT, I mean A LOT on your plate! Makes my head spin! And although you weren't close to your dad, I'm pretty sure that there is some sort of grieving going on. And the loss of your baby definitely took a hit on you and your marriage. And your WH destroyed your trust. And I also get the feeling that he may think that you are punishing him for anything and EVERYTHING?

This is just my opinion but I think that something needs to give in order for you to figure yourself and your life out. And grieve! Grieve your father's death, grieve the baby's death, grieve the loss of innocence and trust in your marriage. You lost the ability to lean on the person you trusted most when he stepped away from your marriage and gave his attention to another women.

I'm not sure if your marriage is dead but I surely can tell you what would benefit you and your WH is to work on a plan to slow everything down so that you can think!!

I honestly believe that your WH is crying out for help and you can't hear him (and he no longer can hear you!). I can see that you are crying out for help also but no one can hear you either. And everything now has turned into conflict. And what would your WH say if he came onto this site on the wayward side. Your marriage is in trouble!! But also understand that your WH affair is 100% on him. He chose to seek someone else out to comfort him.

As you stated and from what I've skimmed over is that you want to save this marriage? So what can you do to start the healing process in the right direction? It isn't about sex, it goes way deeper than that. The two of you are crying out for help and neither of you can hear each other and I can totally see why.

I believe that the two of you have poor coping skills and where you are at today is the result of how each of you have coped throughout all of your losses and in daily life itself,imo.

I am sorry for all of yours AND your WH's losses and trauma. Dealing with it head on is your best bet. Sweeping everything under the rug is just going to make life worse.

Keep posting here and hopefully you are your WH can try and work towards healthy healing and healthy solutions. Maybe get some IC and marriage counseling? Grief counseling?

I honestly believe that your marriage can be saved but it will take some hard work and change from the both of you.

One last thing I feel the need to point out. Emotional abuse in any form is unacceptable.

I just listened to this podcast and you should too - FairPlay Before Foreplay - on the Foreplay podcast series. Listen to it together. Make this work for both of you. Make this a win-win.