Long and short, my wife who I trusted completely, betrayed me with a neighbor I warned her about, and we had discussed as a player, so I thought she knew how to handle it. I was wrong, she feel into "friendly flirting" to having sex with him on Dec 19.
I figured it out based on deleted texts, an ipad that she forgot was sincing, and when I asked her to break off the "flirting" which was already bugging me and she swore nothing physical happened, I had her record the conversation where she broke it off with him.
It was a play, and they were bad at acting, no need to go over the details how but I figured it out, and after first confronting her on a Monday, she confessed Tuesday night.
She did EVERYTHING wrong, lies, concealing, gas lighting, the list. Once caught she did everything right, she confessed for me on video saying I could use it in court (we are a 2 party state and while it won't mean anything (no fault) it meant she was not playing around), she gave me all the banking info (I trusted her 100% with that too), she was honest to a fault and said it would probably have happened again if I didn't catch her (god I wish she said she was so emotionally torn instead).
So in 2 days I went from 30 years of happiness to losing my best friend, my wife, and my business partner.
That was 2 weeks ago tomorrow. I have PISD to a T, its consuming me, and then I feel ok, and then I feel like I need to cry.
She says she loves me, and has done everything I've asked, and I believe her, I believe this was an aberration with her insecurity, mid life crisis, lots of factors I understand.
Now this part will be hard for some here to understand but we were also swingers, we have sex with other couples (together), which makes this worse, she was sober and can't claim it was due to only being with me for 30 years.
To add a cherry the guy is older than me and not as attractive. I thought of telling him to back off several times (this took 2 years to develop) but I trusted she knew.
The sex doesn't bother me.
The lies are killing me.
My only.. lifeline in this has been her complete obedience to me. Shes my sub now sexually, she does what I say when I say it, and we've both (her admitting) have had better sex in the last two weeks than we have had in 20 years. Its not the affair and trying to love bomb me, its a legit thing with her just going with what I want her to do. Its an odd dynamic I know.
Its literally the only thing thats keeping me sane in this.
I told her one thing that feels so unfair is I'm still her's like I've always been she got to keep me, but I lost her, or what I thought she was, forever, I can only build a new relationship with the new version.
I promised her as long as she keeps her side of this, I'm good, she's assured me its ok, she doesn't feel forced, she knows I have her best interest at heart (and I really do, shes always been shy and insecure, and says no reflexively, this helps her), but thats where we are at.
Its the monkeys' Paw.
I always wanted my wife to be more trusting, more submissive sexually, more out of her own head, more start with yes and change to no. She's both shy AND an exhibitionist, so you can see how that would be hard. So now I have what I wanted and it sucks horribly. I want to go back to our slightly weird normal swinger life where we knew we could always count on each other for anything and never felt the need to lie.
I'm not sure if I need input or if this is just therapeutic venting. I never thought I'd have to ever even THINK about this sort of thing, she was my unicorn, instead shes just very very human.