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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
My path forward is weird, and I hope it works but its the only thing keeping me sane.

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 NJlifestyle (original poster new member #79768) posted at 12:07 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Long and short, my wife who I trusted completely, betrayed me with a neighbor I warned her about, and we had discussed as a player, so I thought she knew how to handle it. I was wrong, she feel into "friendly flirting" to having sex with him on Dec 19.

I figured it out based on deleted texts, an ipad that she forgot was sincing, and when I asked her to break off the "flirting" which was already bugging me and she swore nothing physical happened, I had her record the conversation where she broke it off with him.

It was a play, and they were bad at acting, no need to go over the details how but I figured it out, and after first confronting her on a Monday, she confessed Tuesday night.


She did EVERYTHING wrong, lies, concealing, gas lighting, the list. Once caught she did everything right, she confessed for me on video saying I could use it in court (we are a 2 party state and while it won't mean anything (no fault) it meant she was not playing around), she gave me all the banking info (I trusted her 100% with that too), she was honest to a fault and said it would probably have happened again if I didn't catch her (god I wish she said she was so emotionally torn instead).

So in 2 days I went from 30 years of happiness to losing my best friend, my wife, and my business partner.

That was 2 weeks ago tomorrow. I have PISD to a T, its consuming me, and then I feel ok, and then I feel like I need to cry.

She says she loves me, and has done everything I've asked, and I believe her, I believe this was an aberration with her insecurity, mid life crisis, lots of factors I understand.

Now this part will be hard for some here to understand but we were also swingers, we have sex with other couples (together), which makes this worse, she was sober and can't claim it was due to only being with me for 30 years.

To add a cherry the guy is older than me and not as attractive. I thought of telling him to back off several times (this took 2 years to develop) but I trusted she knew.

The sex doesn't bother me.

The lies are killing me.


My only.. lifeline in this has been her complete obedience to me. Shes my sub now sexually, she does what I say when I say it, and we've both (her admitting) have had better sex in the last two weeks than we have had in 20 years. Its not the affair and trying to love bomb me, its a legit thing with her just going with what I want her to do. Its an odd dynamic I know.

Its literally the only thing thats keeping me sane in this.

I told her one thing that feels so unfair is I'm still her's like I've always been she got to keep me, but I lost her, or what I thought she was, forever, I can only build a new relationship with the new version.

I promised her as long as she keeps her side of this, I'm good, she's assured me its ok, she doesn't feel forced, she knows I have her best interest at heart (and I really do, shes always been shy and insecure, and says no reflexively, this helps her), but thats where we are at.

Its the monkeys' Paw.

I always wanted my wife to be more trusting, more submissive sexually, more out of her own head, more start with yes and change to no. She's both shy AND an exhibitionist, so you can see how that would be hard. So now I have what I wanted and it sucks horribly. I want to go back to our slightly weird normal swinger life where we knew we could always count on each other for anything and never felt the need to lie.

I'm not sure if I need input or if this is just therapeutic venting. I never thought I'd have to ever even THINK about this sort of thing, she was my unicorn, instead shes just very very human.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2022
id 8708960
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:06 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Hello,and welcome!

I don't see anything wrong with her being submissive to you,sexually. As long as you aren't doing it to punish,she consents, and everything is agreed upon.

However, it sounds like you are trying to use sex to heal. That won't work.

What work is she doing to be a safe partner?

Also,sorry to say,but the swinging has to end. Full stop. Open relationships only work when you can completely trust your partner. You can no longer do that. Complete trust will never return. It just won't.

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8709070
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 6:44 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

You are literally balls deep in hysterical bonding. It isn't a solution. It's a bandaid.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709087
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 7:51 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Sex won't make you feel better, well perhaps temporarily.

Sex without trust isn't a marriage.

I don't know anything about swinging relationships, but I do know once a boundary is broken healing needs to happen. It will take years to begin to trust again. Not with her being submissive to your every whim.

I hope this neighbor is out of your lives, she can no longer have any contact with him ever. Is he in a monogamous relationship? Married?

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8709106
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 NJlifestyle (original poster new member #79768) posted at 9:04 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I don't see anything wrong with her being submissive to you,sexually. As long as you aren't doing it to punish,she consents, and everything is agreed upon.

We've gone over that many times, and she's good with it and doesn't think of it as punishment. I did my best to make sure of that.

However, it sounds like you are trying to use sex to heal. That won't work.

It feels like I'm using it to stay sane. When I was at my darkest the night I figured it out, it was the one rock as I described it to her that I could see and the one path that didn't end in divorce. In in a way it still is, it was something I wasn't happy about in our marriage but could over look, now I can't over look it, and shes said how much better that has been once she got some of the "no" out of her head. She's done thing she didn't think possible with me. I'm not looking at it to heal, I'm hoping to keep my sanity so I can function and let time help with the healing. I can't be miserable and do my job at the same time.

What work is she doing to be a safe partner?

Everything I ask. No contact, nothing hidden, etc. She's taken full responsibility, and is trying what she can do.

Also,sorry to say,but the swinging has to end. Full stop. Open relationships only work when you can completely trust your partner. You can no longer do that. Complete trust will never return. It just won't.

The ironic thing about this is we have been swingers for 20 years now, that part is "normal" for us. We even went to a club last weekend no problem and it felt good for both of us to be "normal". I get what you are saying but swinging for us is always a together thing and the sex isn't an issue at all. The deception, the being #2 even if it was only for a few weeks and she wasn't even thinking like that is whats so hard. I even suggested we meet with a local couple we are good friends with this weekend, to us this is part of "normal" life which I get sounds insane but it like our bowling league only more naked.

You are literally balls deep in hysterical bonding. It isn't a solution. It's a bandaid.

I agree its a bandaid. I know it is. Sometimes you need a bandaid to prevent the wound from getting infected. Its a bandaid that lets me know shes all in and willing to save us no matter what.

Sex without trust isn't a marriage.

Our marriage isn't based solely on sex, the sex IMO so far is helping keep me normal and able to look forward. Example, this morning I was in full whywhwywhywhy mode. I went to the office where she works (alone today) and after a long talk and tears I said get naked and had sex in her office chair. And you know what? I can do MY job today, which is pretty good since I'm a doctor.

I hope this neighbor is out of your lives, she can no longer have any contact with him ever. Is he in a monogamous relationship? Married?

He knows I know (first night anger I texted him how it felt to destroy a family), she's gone no contact, and stepped down from the organization they worked together in. She's terrified to tell his wife since, of course, she's a friend, she doesn't want to bring pain to her and honestly she doesn't want to hurt the other guy, we had that talk. I knew he was playing her from day one, I told her, she agreed but over the years she fell for it. She knows it but she misses having that friend too. She swears up and down it wasn't love, without hesitation (shes a bad liar, its why I found out so fast), and I think she wants to save face too. She told me she would tell her if I needed her to, but really doesn't want to do that. I'm quite torn on it myself. This isn't black and white.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2022
id 8709124
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:14 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

She's terrified to tell his wife since, of course, she's a friend

No. She is not this woman's friend. Not at all. You don't have an affair with a friend's husband.

His wife deserves to be told. She needs to be tested for stds,and she deserves the truth about her marriage her husband, and her "friend."

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8709129
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:20 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

That poor woman deserves to know her husband is a cheater, with her so-called friend no less.

She needs to make the choice for herself. For her life. You are not giving her the opportunity to know she is living a lie.

BTW, friends don't cheat with friends spouses. Period. Your wife is no friend to the betrayed woman

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8709130
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:21 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

She's terrified to tell his wife since, of course, she's a friend

No. She is not this woman's friend. Not at all. You don't have an affair with a friend's husband.

His wife deserves to be told. She needs to be tested for stds,and she deserves the truth about her marriage her husband, and her "friend."

Actually, this IS black and white. His wife doesn't know that her friends,and her husband, are betraying her. Make no mistake, if you don't tell your friend the truth, then you are an accomplice to this betrayal. The excuses you have for not telling her,are selfish. Your wife wants to protect her reputation, and friendship, but she wasn't worried about either of those things when she was with her friend's husband.

Maybe being a swinger you don't understand how monogamous spouses value their exclusivity, and do not want to share their spouse with anyone. You don't have the right to keep this from someone you call a friend.

There should be ZERO contact with the OM. None. Your wife chose to lose his friendship, the minute she crossed the line with him.

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8709131
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 NJlifestyle (original poster new member #79768) posted at 9:28 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Your wife wants to protect her reputation, and friendship, but she wasn't worried about either of those things when she was with her friend's husband.

Of course and I agree but I'm torn.

My wife had a one off affair. I'm glad I know and will now be recovering for months if not years mentally.

That being said if I could take a pill that would make me forget and my wife remember and remember the pain she caused and how close she came to ruining everything I probably would take it.

Not to go all bad Matrix but that woman is on the blue pill, she just recovered from cancer, she just had her first grandchild, its not a simple SHE MUST KNOW.

I personally *want* her to know but its out of MY revenge against him.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2022
id 8709133
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sneaker ( member #49520) posted at 9:42 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

NJlifestyle,

Please tell her. I wish someone would have said something to me.

Regards

Me: fBH
Her: fWW (3x brief A's over 20yrs)
3 Kids
In R
You can't heal unless you know what your healing from..

posts: 350   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2015
id 8709140
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:44 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Her recovering from cancer is just another reason she must be told. Her immune system is weakened. Her husband has had one affair that you know of, and you call him a player. Her health is at great risk. Some stds are deadly..and in her weakened condition, his playing around could kill her.

Every woman I know,who is a cancer survivor, is a strong woman.

Honestly, your reasons for telling her don't matter. The result is the same. She is given the truth about her life.

Also, something to consider. If you don't tell her,the chance that she will find out eventually, are pretty high. People talk. Or she will come across an email, text,or pic that he forgot to delete(or chose to hang on to). She will confront your wife, and her husband. And she will learn that you knew as well. She will be humiliated that everyone knew but her. There's a good chance she will expose the affair to everyone she knows. If you give her the gift of the truth, you can ask her to please keep it quiet,out of respect for you. You showed her respect by telling her,and she can thank you by not causing you the public humiliation of everyone knowing. If you tell her, then you can find out now how she is going to handle it. If you don't, you will always be waiting for that shoe to drop. And you can't ask her to show you any respect and kindness,when you showed her none.

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8709141
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:47 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

The things she is doing are a good start,but she isn't working on herself. What is she doing to figure out why she cheated?

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8709143
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:54 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Not to go all bad Matrix but that woman is on the blue pill, she just recovered from cancer, she just had her first grandchild, its not a simple SHE MUST KNOW.

Sure it is, unless of course you want to be a willing participant in deceit and think that a successful deceit is a preferable outcome to the truth.

Would you rather be successfully deceived, or had the truth revealed to you?

Not to be all "bad Matrix on you", but think about it.

You are now part of the circle of those denying her agency. To choose not to tell her is to actively choose to lie.

I've revealed four affairs total. None of those have resulted in divorces (yet). I have been thanked by WS's for outing them.

Don't try to predict the future and the reaction. Just do what is right. What is right is simple. She *should* know.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709146
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Confused282 ( new member #79680) posted at 10:12 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I’m sorry for what happened.

You need to tell the wife. A little revenge is always ok and he needs consequences.

But there are practical reasons as well.

1) She will act as another watcher to make sure there is no contact.

2) She may throw him out which will take care of the "him being a neighbor problem".

Being a neighbor is dangerous as there is so much opportunity. You could run to Walmart, be stuck in traffic and they would have time to get together. You can’t take chances.

She is not a friend to the wife so she should not pretend she is. Also if you don’t tell her she could inadvertently promote more contact between them.

They put you in a tough spot. What happens to his family is not your concern. She can never be friends with either of them again.

Have you thought about moving?

There are going to be a lot of triggers, mistrust and opportunities for future evil as long as they are neighbors. Also might be a good test to see if your wife is truly remorseful and truly regrets this.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8709151
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 NJlifestyle (original poster new member #79768) posted at 10:19 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Don't try to predict the future and the reaction. Just do what is right. What is right is simple. She *should* know.

She told me if I insisted she would tell her, I'm afraid of hurting my rebuilding by doing so honestly. I get it though..

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2022
id 8709157
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:39 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Look, I understand you are hurt.

I have been where you have been, and it feels precarious. It seems like any little thing added to the weight of the A is just going to break you M forever without coming back. The reality is that the M is already broken forever by the A, you are just still in a bit of shock doing whatever you can to try to re-establish stability.

Give yourself time. I don't mean to pressure you. I know how hard it is. It takes time to build up to the understanding and courage necessary to do what is right.

It also takes time to get to where you are willing to let the M go (which you need to be willing to do) in order to really heal. This is not about threatening divorce to get your way. It has to be a genuine feeling that you know you can make it without her, even if you'd rather not. So that you won't continue with her at any cost. If you do continue at any cost, the cost is guaranteed to be astronomical.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709165
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:24 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

You can't trust your W to tell her ex-friend. It's best if you do it yourself. That way you know the message got to its intended receiver.

What are you doing to heal besides sex? From what you say, sex is distracting you from your pain. That will just let the pain fester and grow.

Do you think the submission will somehow pay you back? If so, how? IMO, the sub/dom sex may be good for you, but I don't see how it will pay you back.

What do you really want now? What will advance your healing best? My reco is to use your diagnosis skills on your own being to figure out what you want and need. The actual treatment may be different from most diagnoses, but I suspect tha your diagnostic skills may hel p a lot.

It's not that I think sex is wrong right now. If we were younger *TMI*. It's just that I think it's far from all you you want and need.

***

ETA: you inform OBS because they have a right to know that they have been betrayed. Sure, there may be some revenge in your motivations, but people are complex.

The sooner OBS knows her H has betrayed her, the sooner she can start healing.

Tell her.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:52 PM, Thursday, January 13th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26513   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8709321
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:46 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

If telling the truth to his wife hurts your attempt at reconciliation, then you might as well just file for divorce now. Because you have nothing to rebuild with.

Protecting your wife from the consequences of her actions isn't going to help her to become a better person. It may get you another dday. At the very least, it will leave you with a wife who didn't become a safe partner because her healing was hindered.

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8709328
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:45 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

And she no longer has a friend. She has a person whom she is pretending to be friends with whom she helped destroy her family. The fact that the OBS doesn’t know it only makes it worse. But she will find out. And when she finds out years from now it will ruin all the memories she’s had from now til then.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3265   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8709426
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Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 2:58 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Hellfire's previous post is spot on. The truth is going to hurt your reconciliation?

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8709437
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