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It's Over

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 FannyandCat (original poster member #74653) posted at 11:55 AM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Thought I'd provide a brief update - maybe for my own catharsis or maybe because I just need to say it somewhere...

Mr. Wonderful and I are done. He has a new girlfriend. I've been NC with him since before Thanksgiving.

The new girlfriend is someone I've seen before. One night in late October I saw his car outside the local bar and walked in. He was sitting there alone - kinda drunk and not altogether too happy to see me. As we were talking, a woman walked in and literally stood behind us as if she was waiting for me to leave. I asked if he knew her and of course he said no. As soon as I left she came and sat next to him. Later that night he came to my house and spent the night. Well, I guess he decided he wanted to be with her because by the beginning of November we were pretty much not talking anymore. I reached out around Thanksgiving and asked him if we were over and he wouldn't give me an answer - wouldn't say yes or no. Since then there's been no contact.

But I saw the "Facebook Official" picture of the two of them yesterday. So it's really over. I did some pain shopping and looked her up - she's a year younger than me, a single mom of two kids, dental assistant and ironically enough a huge fan of my alma mater. She didn't attend school there but is from the state. Mr. Wonderful was a fan of the arch rival school and one of the pictures I saw on Facebook was of the two of them on New Years - with him wearing a hat from my alma mater! He HATES my school with a passion and seeing him wearing that hat showed me that he must be smitten with her. Yeah I know that sounds trite but believe me when I say that these two schools hate each other and he was born and raised in the state of my arch rival. In fact it was one of the first things we talked about when we met back in 2016 and I have too many fond memories of our mutual ribbing of each other over our respective schools. She's about 4-5 inches taller than me and about 50 or so pounds heavier. I know looks don't matter but I don't find her attractive at all. And I'm sure she doesn't know about all of his issues - legal, financial or otherwise.

I guess I'm kind of relieved - like I needed to see that in order to truly move on. I don't want him back and will never give him another chance ever again. His legal shit is going to hit the fan this year and there's a very good chance he'll be spending his 40th birthday in a prison cell and I want no part of that. And if I'm thinking about it I don't want a "fixer upper"...someone that has "potential". I will never again find myself with the "Florence Nightingale Syndrome" thinking I can swoop in and "save" someone. He has so many issues and we are incompatible in so many ways but I didn't want to admit that because by admitting I was wrong, it meant that I failed - warped logic for sure.

I've continued with therapy and it's been a godsend. She's helping me understand why I hung onto Mr. Wonderful even when the world was screaming for me to run away. She's helping me realize what I deserve in any relationship be it romantic or platonic.

And it's funny how I told all my friends I was taking a six month hiatus from the male persuasion and even when I do nothing men enter the picture. The guy who owned a yacht came screaming back begging for another chance and I shut that down and blocked him. A guy I went out on three dates with years ago tried to come back but it became apparent he only wanted a blow job without commitment so I shut that down too and blocked him. Then there's a guy who lives 1000 miles away and is very smitten with me but he's not local and I don't want a long distance relationship. He wants to move here but said even if he bought a house here he'd only live in it part time and I don't want a part time boyfriend. He flies in on Friday for a visit and I'm going to make sure to tell him that it's not going to work between us. I guess I'm just not interested in men at all - I'm not in a place where I'd be a good partner to a man. Not because I'm getting over Mr. Wonderful because what is there really to get over? But because I need to spend the time working on myself so that I don't make the same mistake I've made with just about every man I've ever dated. Really figure out my must-haves and boundaries. Get my confidence level to a point that when I am ready to dip my toe into the dating pool again I can communicate clearly what I will tolerate and what I won't. I put up with SO much shit from Mr. Wonderful that I became less than a doormat...I became a pathetic puddle willing to be muddied and dirtied just so the puddle wouldn't evaporate. I mean, he still owes me $450 but believe me I'm not going to ask him for it - it's not worth the energy or oxygen.

So I start 2022 with a wiping of the slate - that slate has multiple layers of dirt that need washed off so it's going to take a lot of scrubbing but at some point it'll be clean and shiny again ready to be used again.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2020
id 8708829
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:10 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

NICE post...thanks for sharing grin !!

Looks like Mr. Wonderful did you a favor smile . New Year...new YOU!!

Keep posting...and keep up NOT settling. Working on YOU is very good right now...you are doing awesome!! When you least expect it...life will take a turn for the BETTER...and then you'll be ready to face whatever it brings grin .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5811   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8708832
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:23 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

I reached out around Thanksgiving and asked him if we were over and he wouldn't give me an answer - wouldn't say yes or no.

He gave you an answer. However, break-ups suck so I don't think you were ready to accept it at that point.

My advice - block him. He WILL come sniffing around when he starts to choke on the magic dust. You need to be strong and cut that off before he even has a chance. Even before you had validation about this new person, he sounds like he wasn't worthy of you.

I am so glad you have a great IC. Keep at it. Sounds like you are making great strides in healing. You go girl!!!!


(and stop giving Mr Wonderless and the new GF any energy. He doesn't deserve it and she probably has no clue what she has gotten into)

posts: 6693   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8708839
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:32 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

I'm sorry for you and ecstatic for you at the same time.

This guy is a loser who IMO used you for a very long time.

Please move forward with your life.

Always remember, Mr. Wonderful is really Mr. Wretched, Rotten, Vile, Pathetic, User, Cheater.

One day you will look back and ask yourself why you took so long to dump this bag of bricks from your life. Glad your IC is helping you understand.

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8708840
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 FannyandCat (original poster member #74653) posted at 6:44 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Agreed. The longer I stay away from him and his toxicity the better off I'll be in the long run.

He is such a prolific liar and rife with issues - a man that will never have his shit together. Wonder how she'll feel when she finds out he's been indicted for federal tax fraud, wire fraud and loan fraud. Or that he's perpetually broke and doesn't have the money to pay for a lawyer let alone restitution. Or that his shitty credit score (think under 600) will make it impossible for him to ever buy a house (not that he'll ever have the money to buy one anyway). He's showing her the same version of himself he showed me five years ago but the onion will peel itself eventually.

I was his chance at a better life - not just for him but for his daughter too. And you're right - when his world implodes and she leaves him in the dust there's a chance he comes sniffing back - I promise all of you I will be far, far away from him and stay that way. Now's the time to carve out a better life for ME...mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I stopped attending church - I mean, think about it - I'm Jewish and only went because HE wanted me to renounce my religion.

I cancelled his Sirius/XM account this morning - and there's another subscription to a podcast I bought for him in August but I can't cancel it so I'll have to wait for it to expire in February.

I am salty that he never paid me back in full and still owes $450 - I keep telling myself to eat it as the cost of walking away but it really burns my chaps that he (AGAIN) gets away with putting one over me. Thinking I may wait a month or two then send him an IM at work with "balance due: $450". Or not.

This other woman is really doing me a favor - it's finally breaking me free of someone I should have never been chained to in the first place.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2020
id 8708882
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:26 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I reached out around Thanksgiving and asked him if we were over and he wouldn't give me an answer - wouldn't say yes or no. Since then there's been no contact.

But I saw the "Facebook Official" picture of the two of them yesterday. So it's really over. I did some pain shopping and looked her up - she's a year younger than me, a single mom of two kids, dental assistant and ironically enough a huge fan of my alma mater.

I don't know Fanny, you keep going back to "Mr Wonderless", and based on your post, at least for you it was "really over" just yesterday because you saw a picture and no due to the fact he is a loser and had not even contacted you since November, you had not even cancelled his satellite radio subscription until yesterday, which indicates you were still holding out hope he'd snap out of it and came back to you, in other words HE chose to leave you but if instead of you seeing that picture yesterday he would have picked up the phone and called you, I feel that maybe you would have given us a complete different update today. Anyway for whatever reason, I hope this time is "really over", but I hope that in the future you learn to make these decisions yourself and not the depend and/or wait on a "yes or no answer" from anybody, especially when "the world screams at you" and it's evident a person is simply NOT worth it.

Good luck and keep posting from time to time, remember that you deserve so much better, but I agree that you should probably stay alone for a while and devote that time to heal yourself and work with your IC to address whatever issues you had that made you endure what you did for so long.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 4:30 AM, Tuesday, January 11th]

posts: 2499   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8708994
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:48 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Please continue counseling.

I hope one day to read a post that celebrates you!

Without the drama of Mr Wonderful and Yacht guy etc.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8709144
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 3:14 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I am salty that he never paid me back in full and still owes $450 - I keep telling myself to eat it as the cost of walking away but it really burns my chaps that he (AGAIN) gets away with putting one over me. Thinking I may wait a month or two then send him an IM at work with "balance due: $450". Or not.


It is said when you loan money, you should always do it assuming that you will never get it back and forget about it.

In your case, I would further that to say $450 is a small price to pay to get away (and a life lesson).

If you send that above IM...you are inviting a response (or worse). You don't need that!

Write off that money from your mind and heart. You give a lot of descriptions of him and I notice integrity was not one of them. If a mystery check shows up some day - great. But assume it will not and never expect it too. That will help your healing.

posts: 6693   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8709247
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 FannyandCat (original poster member #74653) posted at 6:16 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Yeah, you're right - while $450 isn't chump change I doubt he has it and asking for it is just making contact with someone I don't want to make contact with ever again.

It's weird that I almost feel euphoric about not having to deal with him. I've been sort of giggly/happy since I found out - it's as if a weight's been lifted. Life is just better without the stress.

And while we will inevitably see each other at some point since he lives less than two miles away and we shop at the same grocery store and go to the same gas stations I'm almost looking forward to ignoring him completely. It's like that song..."now you're just somebody that I used to know". He'll see me smiling because I can't stop smiling. It's like the sun is out and I'm basking in its warmth - and it smells like freedom.

It's weird that I thought I'd be much more emotional about it - like crying my eyes out on the couch but I haven't shed one tear. And while this might sound shallow I can't help but laugh at the new girlfriend - she has no idea what she's getting herself into and from what I've found about her - she may be using him as her after divorce rebound man since she hasn't been divorced for a year. But maybe not and either way I could care less. I'm just so happy to be DONE.

2022 is going to be a year of discovery, introspection and fun. I won't make any predictions because I'm not clairvoyant but one thing I can guarantee is that he's one thing that will not be included in my plans.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2020
id 8709306
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:34 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

You can choose a different gas station or grocery store — or you can remain like Rose from Two and a Half Men and just create opportunities to "run into him".

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8709325
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:54 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I agree with 1st Wife.

Find another grocery store and gas station.

Stay as far away as possible from any place you might run into him.

Seeing him might set you back from the progress you are making in IC.

Lean forward....into your job, into friends and family, into hobbies.

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8709345
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 FannyandCat (original poster member #74653) posted at 2:33 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

That I would have to change my routine just to make sure I don't run into him - makes it seem like he has the power. I would rather instead not change a thing and let him be the one that squirms when he sees me. Let HIM be the one to go to a different gas station or grocery store. I'm the one with all the power now - I will not change one iota of my life to ensure that he never feels uncomfortable.

I have therapy today and she doesn't know about these recent events. It'll be good to hear her input on it - I'm still scratching my head as to why I'm not an emotional mess over this and instead feel like I've been granted freedom from five years of bondage. Yes that sounds melodramatic but it's the best way to describe my current emotional state. But there's also a twinge of regret for all the time and energy I wasted on someone who was anything but worth my time and energy. That I gave up five years of my life that could have been spent on much more worthwhile endeavors. Five years I'll never get back. And the lengths I went to all to show my loyalty and devotion that meant nothing to him. All the money I spent on gifts and tokens of affection that he gladly took but didn't affect the way he felt about me. I'm going to bring that up today in therapy too.

He is one of the biggest regrets of my life - and when his world implodes (and it will) I won't be sitting back watching with a box of popcorn because that's not a show I'm interested in watching. My goal is to be as far away from him and his mess as physically possible. I simply don't care.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2020
id 8709506
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:03 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I'm still scratching my head as to why I'm not an emotional mess over this and instead feel like I've been granted freedom from five years of bondage.

This is why I worry about you backsliding. It should never have come to him clearly moving on for you to feel free of him. If anything that you held out hope for so long is a sign that you are vulnerable to believing that his awful behavior towards you will change. It's almost like an alcoholic one month sober deciding to eat at a pub often to show alcohol no longer has power over them. You need to go NC for long enough that you see him clearly no matter how vulnerable you are at when you run across him. If that takes changing your patterns a bit for six months to a year so be it. If not, you risk backsliding when his new girl escapes his grasp and he comes back around looking to use you for sex or money.

posts: 886   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8709509
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:32 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I would rather instead not change a thing and let him be the one that squirms when he sees me.

Just shaking my damn head here.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8709516
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 3:54 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

And the lengths I went to all to show my loyalty and devotion that meant nothing to him. All the money I spent on gifts and tokens of affection that he gladly took but didn't affect the way he felt about me.

This is the statement I see as concerning. Love is not something you can purchase. His actions were telling you exactly how little he felt for you. He saw you as no strings attached sex and a source of fine things he didn't have to pay for. You, on the other hand, got very attached, and just kept trying harder. You seem to still think the boat, the truck and everything else you bought him should have had the affect you were looking for. You're angry because he accepted the gifts and didn't fulfill what you thought was his end of the bargain. It was a bargain he never agreed to. When he posted pictures on dating sites of him standing in front of the boat you purchased, (to make him more swipe worthy) he was telling you that loud and clear.

As long a you continue to envision him squirming when he sees you, or you imagine how gratifying it will be when his world implodes, you won't be truly free of him. Going to a different gas station because you detest the mere possibility of running into him is a much clearer indicator that you are done with him. When I went through this same thing, I had no issue with leaving any place he walked into. I didn't see it as an inconvenience or giving up control. On the contrary, it was statement of my distain for him.

It's great that you are in therapy and you feel your therapist is helpful. If I were you, I'd spend little of the time you are paying for talking about him. Instead, talk about why you think relationships can be bought, or manipulated. Because as long as you think that's possible, you are going to attract men who are all too happy to take your gift and hold out for another better freebee by implying that just a little more and they might love you. And then a little more....and more. And before you know it, they are manipulating you, and another 5 years is history.

posts: 1555   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8709522
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 FannyandCat (original poster member #74653) posted at 3:57 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Maybe remembering that time at the bar when she was standing behind us, waiting for me to leave and now realizing that he was seeing her behind my back was the final straw. And that he still came over and spent the night at my house, talking to me every day and seeing me once a week - fucking the both of us - it makes me sick. You're right Grubs - that I DID hold out hope but knowing what I know NOW...that he is simply incapable of being a safe person in my life and that never going to change into someone that becomes safe is what's giving me the strength to walk away.

I like to say everyone has a cap to anything in life - to how much pizza you can to how much cold you can withstand. Everyone has a different cap but when you reach it you know. I've FINALLY reached my cap...and while it took putting up with a ton of shit and being treated worse than a doormat I'm finally here. And there will be no backsliding because he is never going to get the gift of being in my life again. When he loses everything - job, shitty rental, daughter and this new girl as he rots in a prison cell he'll have plenty of time to think about the bad decisions he's made but I've closed the door and locked it New York apartment style - he will NEVER walk in again. I don't date ex-cons and I certainly don't date a selfish, lying, cheating pieces of shit.

So what if I see him at the grocery store, gas station or anywhere around town? I mean really - who the fuck cares?!

posts: 165   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2020
id 8709523
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 4:22 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

And the lengths I went to all to show my loyalty and devotion that meant nothing to him. All the money I spent on gifts and tokens of affection that he gladly took but didn't affect the way he felt about me. I'm going to bring that up today in therapy too.

Oh my, I relate to this. Definitely worth digging into- enablement, desperation for being valued/worthy, "buying" or "earning" love, having to prove yourself to him or ANYONE.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in working on this.

posts: 295   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8709528
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:31 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

So what are you doing to make sure you won't take him back? Because new girl may break it off with him,and he will show up on your door. I think most of us know you will take him back.

So what's going to be different?

You've posted similar "euphoric " posts before. And he comes back,and you allow it.

What's different?

The woman stood behind him,waiting on you to leave. You knew they were together. You still fucked him the same night, and for the next week.

What's different?

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8709531
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:32 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Shouldn't this be in the Wayward Forum? You're admitting you slept with a guy who had a girlfriend, after all.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 603   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8709558
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:51 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Excellent point. You've now become an OW.

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8709565
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