Um ... I hate to be wrong. I often make mistakes I recognize. I shudder to think of the mistakes I make that I don't recognize.
All I've got for you is questions and one not so simple recommendation. You're the only one who can get you out of your corner.
What do your inner dialogs say? Who tells you that you are, in effect, hopeless? Who takes hope away from you? Who tells you to choose pepper when you know salt is right? By 'who', I don't mean the person from whom you first heard the message. I mean who is the person in your head who tells you to do these things.
And not by the way, do you ever tell yourself you've fucked up when you actually did the right thing?
Is your BS right in her complaints? I'm not looking for an answer to 'from her POV, is she right?' The answer that counts is yours - do you really think she's right??
What I'm saying is this: I think that you're responding to and obeying voices in your head and that your way out is to change what they say.
It's not easy to do. Changing the messages is not guaranteed to save your M. But I think that changing the messages is virtually guaranteed to make your life better.
Are you in therapy? If not, a good therapist can help. I suggest telling a candidate IC what you've told us and ask if the therapist is able and willing to help you change your self-talk; if they say 'yes', ask them how they work (homework or no homework, for example). Sign up with one who says 'yes' and who works a way that seems congenial to you.
If you're in therapy, raise the self-talk issue and ask for help. Therapy is in some ways always about changing self-talk.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:46 PM, Tuesday, December 28th]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.