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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Divorce/Separation :
Grandparent issues

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 Perdita1 (original poster member #67654) posted at 1:07 AM on Friday, December 24th, 2021

I wonder if anyone out there has experienced this?

My parents (my three children’s grandparents) are not on board with my divorce (back story: WH indulged in 5 years of cheating with prostitutes / strippers). Their lack of support seems mainly down to concern over the grandchildren (all under 10) - that the shuttling back and forth between mum and dad’s house will negatively affect them.

I can’t wrap my head around this. I expected that they would come out all guns blazing when I told them about the infidelity. Instead I’m being told to swallow it for the sake of the children.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

posts: 94   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8705678
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 2:56 AM on Friday, December 24th, 2021

It’s pretty alarming how one’s own family can sometimes be so accepting of something so cruel. They have a point that it shouldn’t bleed down to the children, but your ex already took care of that on his own. The least your parents can do is support you. It’s not like you were asking them to help you run some smear campaign against your ex.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8705692
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little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 7:46 PM on Friday, December 24th, 2021

Staying with WH (with no work towards R) will affect them negatively more than the shuttling back and forth.

My parents were very supportive of my divorce, so I can't help you there. We are here to support you. ♥

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5463   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8705908
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:29 PM on Friday, December 24th, 2021

No advise but wanted to send support. A happy mom demonstrating strength and healthy boundaries will do so much more for your kids then an unhappy marriage and modeling a shitty relationship (well at least your ex would be modeling that barf ). Just go about your life and hopefully your parents will support you in time. They may come from a time where that was the norm.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4370   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8705925
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:53 PM on Sunday, December 26th, 2021

Why haven’t’ you told them about the infidelity?
It doesn’t have to be in a brazen or callous way. Just state the facts as they are: your husband frequented prostitutes and that you wouldn’t condone that behavior.
Not that it matters – unless this was an arranged marriage they didn’t have much input in your selection of a spouse, and therefore little input in his firing.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10178   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8706068
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cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 1:25 AM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

His parents were informed of his chronic alcoholism and serial cheating. They were suprised by it.

They seemed supportive to me , until the divorce was final. Now there is no communication. Zero. They support their son. No matter what. And have discarded me and my grown children.

My daughter had our first grandchild. Who is terminally ill. Still no communication.

My ex Npd has not seen the baby since shortly after birth. He’s 5 now.

My son just recently married. Nothing. Zero.

The lack of love , emotional support , or respect is astounding. To me, to their grandchildren , to our new grandchild. Their grandchildren were their grandchildren til adulthood. Then nothing. Zero. A family of narcissists.

Their alcoholic son is now in stage four. They pick sides.
We have been discarded by them the same way my ex discarded me and now ex has discarded my daughter with the terminally ill child
Cold

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 1:28 AM, Monday, December 27th]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4756   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8706084
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:23 AM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

Bit confused... are you cancuncrushed sharing your story or answering for Perdita1?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10178   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8706109
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Brave30 ( member #41124) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

Perdita,

My mother was not supportive of my divorce. Just a brief backstory. My original Dday was in 2008. I had a two year old and was also pregnant. My mother told me "There is no such thing as divorce." I received a great amount of pressure to tough it out for the kids. Looking back, it had everything to do with the fact that my mother was also a WW. She and my father projected all of their "stuff" onto my marriage. Since they had swept everything under the rug for the sake of the children, they expected me to do the same thing.

So, I stayed for five years and experienced another Dday in 2013. Again, my mom did not think that we should get divorced. She thought if I served him with papers it would wake him up and we could still work it out. I was dumbfounded, but I stuck to my guns the second time around and divorced my XH.

Eventually, they just had to accept that I wasn't going to stay with a serial cheater. But, I'll be honest, it put a great deal of strain on the already tenuous relationship I have with my mother. I felt completely unsupported and that she expected me to simply settle for less than I deserved

I don't know if any of this really helps, but perhaps there is something that your parents are projecting onto you? Or, maybe their concerns about the children are genuine? If they don't know about the infidelity, then maybe it is time to tell them. That might shed light on why you're divorcing and help them to understand that you are making the best choice for you and your children.

[This message edited by Brave30 at 4:37 PM, Monday, December 27th]

posts: 379   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2013
id 8706144
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 Perdita1 (original poster member #67654) posted at 4:11 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

Thanks for all the replies, they really help.

My parents know about the infidelity, I told them after ex-WH moved out.

I do wonder if they are projecting. And definitely I can imagine back when they were younger people did just tough it out (I’ve been told the ex-WH has ‘just been silly’.) And my mom is from a catholic country where divorce is extremely rare.

It still hurts though.

The divorce is final now. And the past few days they have been talking about practical things like my income etc. Which is better.

My ex-WH is being horrid. The children and I had a break of a couple of days from him but today we saw him again and I am fed up already.

posts: 94   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8706271
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:04 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

The first time I went to both side's parents with my ex's cheating, I was [unexpectedly] met with support for him. I did 'Suck it up' and tried (again and again).

Big mistake.

You are doing the right thing. I bet your parents will get onboard in time. In the interim, remind them that you need their help support when they say something like that.

IE:

Their lack of support seems mainly down to concern over the grandchildren (all under 10) - that the shuttling back and forth between mum and dad’s house will negatively affect them.

Stuff like: That is why we all need your support and help to help with this transition

Also, do what you can to help you with stuff like this:

The children and I had a break of a couple of days from him but today we saw him again and I am fed up already.

Do what you can to minimize your contact with him. In the early days when my ex did drop off and pick ups, I had all the kids stuff by the front door. He was not to enter my house....they just went out when he arrived. I forced all communication to emails/texts. If he called, it went to VM so I could thing about whatever he was asking and respond sensibly (vs an emotional knee-jerk response), etc. A lot of folks use electronic calendars, etc to help minimize contact as well.

My mom's eyes have opened tremendously since the D (but I am 10 yrs out now). Hopefully you have the same experience.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 2:30 PM, Wednesday, January 5th]

posts: 6694   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8706512
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 Perdita1 (original poster member #67654) posted at 7:43 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Thanks EvenKeel. Minimizing contact is a good idea - and it’s been happening these past few days as he’s self-isolating due to covid. On the other hand, I am feeling incredibly lonely - I’m unwell (non-covid related) and have the kids to look after.

I hope people’s eyes open to who cheaters really are. I’m getting a lot of implication that his cheating is my fault.

posts: 94   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8707164
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