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Newest Member: KMS60087

Wayward Side :
Kinda lost

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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:17 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

I agree with other posters....you need to tell your spouse about the EA.

Are you sure the EA fantasy isn't the motivation for wanting a divorce? Sounds like you are living in limerence and infatuated with the OW even though you REALLY DO NOT KNOW HER. Understand affairs are all unicorns and rainbows.

My husband had mostly an EA and one day PA. After discovery and some thought, he realized what a manipulative, cunning, desperate woman
his affair partner was. He fell for it hook, line, and sinker. The email conversations lasted for almost two years, both had built up this wild unrealistic fantasy about each other. You might just be doing the same. BTW, my WH AP also contacted him whenever she had an issue, pulling him into the dysfunction of being her knight in shining armor. Most of it was one big lie just to attract his attention.

Just food for thought.

[This message edited by annb at 12:01 AM, Friday, December 17th]

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8704539
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DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 9:10 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

I will say that online only communication is easier for most people. Like having wild sex with a stranger would be easier.

There is less emotional risk. I wonder if you were afraid of bringing your wife into your friend group and social life because it would be hard. She wouldn't get along with some people and you would have to decide between friends.

This woman was far away and you felt was safe. My question would be, what was your wife doing during this period of shut down communication?
Did she get sad? If so, what was your reaction? Did you go to your AP or did you get sad and pull away more? Both are usually reactions from someone who is afraid of their emotions and close relationships. If that is the case, would some MC be a good idea?

posts: 609   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8704551
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 9:51 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

It's interesting that you describe going through a rough period and "isolating" from your wife and kids. Then you choose an AP that is a very safe distance from you.

You crave connection and have been unable to maintain it in your marriage. You've now created a "connection" that couldn't be more false and less threatening.

I know your connection to your AP doesn't feel false but it is strictly based on words written on a computer. You have no idea what is truth, fiction, exaggerated, hidden, etc. You don't know if this person would physically repulse you or leave you unsatisfied. You don't know much of anything. But you are getting the connection you crave without any reality or risk.

My advice for now, if you are still here, is to detox off this AP. Go no contact. Feel the feels about it but perhaps start to reframe it. You aren't missing a person you do not even know, you are missing connection.

From there, get real about this need and determine if you can recreate it with your wife. Give that some real thought and discussion with her. If no, recognize that this need isn't going to go away. It might be time to consider ending the marriage then playing with the fire you've played with.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8704559
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 3:11 AM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Timeforhelp, you have a pm.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14742   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8704606
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:59 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

We here on SI tend to be direct and sometimes we might use powerful words and terms. Terms and words that might be more appropriate if taking a friend aside for a stern warning because we see – and care – that he’s headed towards a cliff.
I don’t know if you have left this site or are still reading, but if you do see this and anyone that reads this and is in a comparable situation then this is my input:

Be honest.

Even if you are doing wrong then be honest.
Don’t hide behind excuses that really aren’t reasons but just plain and simple excuses.

Like your relationship with this woman. It’s what we call an emotional affair. The problem with EA’s is that they aren’t always recognized as affairs. A person like you would clearly know and understand if you were entering a physical affair – the type we might more commonly associate with infidelity. You know when you kiss, when the buttons start getting undone. With the emotional aspect it’s less clear. Heck… you can even be in a one-sided EA. For all we know the other woman might just see you as a friend.
Get the book Not Just Friends and read it with an open mind. Does it apply to you? Be honest.

Be honest.

You claim you and wife would divorce if you could…
Have you two discussed your relationship? Have you both mutually agreed that emotionally it’s dead and it’s REALLY only for practical reasons you remain married? Have you discussed how you two will get needs usually met within the marriage?
These are all valid questions. Like the need for sex or intimacy. If you have had the HONEST discussion and reached the MUTUAL decision that the marriage is over, only for practical reasons you can’t legally dissolve the bond then you two should mutually accept that needs are met outside the marriage.
Be honest: Are you OK if your wife puts on her best dress and goes to dinner with her new boyfriend?
It’s not really infidelity if you have both agreed that the ONLY reason you aren’t divorced is the (alleged) price-tag and that therefore needs are not met in the marriage.

Have you hidden the existence of your "friend" (I won’t call her an affair partner with the limited info we have) from your wife-in-name? Why? If you are only married because you can’t afford divorce and that is mutually acknowledged then why hide this relationship?

If you truly believe you two are in an accepted quasi-marriage then make 100% certain that conversation has taken place.

Be honest.

I could go on. Too expensive to divorce? Why? What are the real reasons it’s too expensive. It probably and possibly requires changes and adjustments but if money is really the issue BUT you two have already agreed it would be best for both then you could probably do a divorce for less than 500 bucks.

The key to what I’m saying is really quite simple: Be honest.
Be honest to yourself, to your wife and to your family. Dishonesty always comes back to bite you in the behind.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10172   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8704657
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 7:02 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Great post, Bigger.

WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2379   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8704796
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sundance ( member #72129) posted at 8:35 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

EDDIE SAID: "Last week I told her it's best we part ways."

So, imho, you ARE in the right place and have completed step 1: ended the A.

Next step is to unravel (get yourself out of the pretzel you made yourself in to): this forum can be helpful with the untwisting if you are strong enough to take the bits and pieces that help YOU.

Now, some wise words from Allen Carr--

"Having made what you know to be the correct decision, NEVER EVER question that decision." ― Allen Carr

Rooting for you!

Rusty: You scared?
Linus: You suicidal?
Rusty: Only in the morning.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8704808
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