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Wayward Side :
Badwife79

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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:02 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

not all WS are terrible people

In the post you were responding to,not one word was said about all waywards being terrible people.

It was said that no WS is owed a second chance. Which is absolutely true. Not one. A second chance..attempting reconciliation..is a gift that a BS gives to the WS, during a time of extreme trauma. Some waywards earn that chance. Some don't. That's a sad fact for a BS.

Do you feel you have earned that chance?

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8702780
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waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 6:40 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

If the affair took place 16 years ago, and you have only been gone 5 years, that leaves 11 years where you could have possibly been working with him. The fact that the sex took place in the security room at work would just exacerbate the issue.

I am praying he didn’t have to see you walk out the door to work with the OM for over a decade to a place that would bring out his worst fears. If that was the case, even if you promised no contact, that alone would hinder him in getting back his faith that nothing else happened. Why would he believe you, especially after you didn’t come clean. How is he supposed to know you both just went back to the security room and continued.

One last thing, please change your thinking that the fact you "only had sex with him 5 or 6 times" that it isn’t so bad. The word "only" will be a killer to him.

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1879   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8702804
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 7:00 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

The problem is that I did trickle truth at the beginning and then after realizing that it was only hurting him more and preventing his recovery, I did come clean. The problem is that because of how I handled it in the beginning, it is hard for him to believe me now. There are no other affairs to disclose and I want him to believe me so bad. I feel that a polygraph may be the only way

This is typical behavior for WS's. It happens more often than not, so you're not some kind of aberration. If this is what's keeping your BH from healing in R, none of us would be. So, I think you can rule "trickle truth" out as the cause of this relapse 16 years later. I mean, if you want to do the polygraph and prove that you haven't done all the things he's currently accusing you of.. by all means. Do it. It can't hurt anything.

You said you weren't a great wife earlier on, but honestly, even if you were Genghis Khan, we still have our own work to do as BS. Nothing changes that. There are things we need to do that the WS can't do for us. We need to accept what happened. If we decide to stay in R, we need to disperse the WS's debt. We need to allow the WS to be 100% responsible. There's more, but you get the gist. These aren't things that you can do FOR your BH.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you shouldn't work through whatever vestiges of waywardness you might be harboring after sixteen years. But there's NOTHING that you can do which will "heal" another person. We all have to do that for ourselves. We have to choose it. We have to take action on it.

On a sidenote... if BS's get too heated with you, the mods can put a "stop sign" up so that only WS can post. Just post a new thread asking for help if you need it.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:00 PM, Monday, December 6th]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8702807
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Dazedandconfused1978 ( member #79527) posted at 7:56 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

Tea- I see what your saying but it’s obvious badwife hasn’t truly faced the reality of her situation. What she caused, how she executed her disclosure, how she is attempting R on HER terms. Has she truly discovered the why’s? Is she remorseful and grateful for a chance at R? And lastly has she stripped away all her exterior to to expose herself on here? Feels like there is more. Just my opinion though.

I’m a BS myself and read these threads with great curiosity as to my situation is compared with others. It’s hard for me to have empathy but I’m trying. Hopefully, I can learn something here and apply it to my recovery. Thanks to all who post.

[This message edited by Dazedandconfused1978 at 8:12 PM, Monday, December 6th]

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2021
id 8702813
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 8:26 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

I agree Dazed. There is validity to "heal ourselves" however to completely dismiss the environment, gaslighting, mental abuse, etc. that her spouse has taken over 11 years is not realistic, IMO.

Badwife...your husband does have to heal. HOWEVER if you want R then is YOUR job to create an environment that is fertile for that to happen. And the longer that you have create an environment where that could not happen the longer it will take for him to heal. It sounds like you have not created an environment (based on some of your comments)that was truthful, empathetic, understanding or caring. It doesn't sound like you every become a safe person for him to confide his fears and be vulnerable. And he has managed to stuff those feelings. And I bet if your truly reflective he has probably tried to connect with you regarding your affair and you have acted in damaging ways over the years. And for those who say he could have left... you saw the pain and hurt while continuing to lie to him you could have left as well.

So you have start at the the GROUND level...100% truth, honesty, transparency and consistently.

I urge you to read/connect BraveSirRobin as she really has been in your shoes and is a great example of a WS who has truly done the work. Also, take a look at CaptainRogers posts. It may give you insight into what your husband is experiencing.

I certainly know this is hard for you and for him. Wishing you both the best.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 8:45 PM, Monday, December 6th]

posts: 2030   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8702818
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 10:37 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

Hi Badwife,

Welcome to SurvivingInfidelity. I'm sorry you find yourself here.

To answer your first question, it's definitely possible. I'm living proof. I'm a BS that loves my WH and can honestly say we're happy. The wounds have healed and while there are a few scars, they have certainly faded. I know all WS are not terrible people because my absolute favourite person in the entire world happens to be one.

I'm trying to sort out your story but some helpful information is missing - do you mind filling us in? The devil can be in the details. You indicate that your A was 16 years ago. When was it discovered? How long the A last? How long did the trickle-truthing last? Did anything happen in the past 7 months that caused your husband to trigger? Were new details uncovered? What was the impetus for you to turn your behaviour around and begin to act like the wife you felt he deserves?

Part of the reason I ask is that 16 years is a long time later for these feelings to be so fresh.

I hope you stick around and keep posting. You will probably get some feedback that is difficult to hear - please don't let that scare you away. There are a lot of people here at various stages of healing - but there is also a lot of collective wisdom that certainly helped me (and my WH) during tougher times.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 743   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8702832
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 10:40 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

Tea- I see what your saying but it’s obvious badwife hasn’t truly faced the reality of her situation. What she caused, how she executed her disclosure, how she is attempting R on HER terms. Has she truly discovered the why’s? Is she remorseful and grateful for a chance at R? And lastly has she stripped away all her exterior to to expose herself on here? Feels like there is more. Just my opinion though.

I’m a BS myself and read these threads with great curiosity as to my situation is compared with others. It’s hard for me to have empathy but I’m trying. Hopefully, I can learn something here and apply it to my recovery. Thanks to all who post.

No one is suggesting that the OP shouldn't work on any wayward issues she might still have. But unless you know something that hasn't been posted here, there's no reason to assume that she hasn't done what's necessary for a WS to do in the sixteen years it's been since her transgressions occurred. There's no requirement that she 'strip away all her exterior to to expose herself on here'. People are here to help her and to talk about whatever she needs to talk about, not to assume she isn't remorseful or that she hasn't done her work. She hasn't said anything that isn't "par for the course" in terms of infidelity and its aftermath. Certainly though, if we're noticing things, I'm noticing shame and that would be a really good thing for her to work on while she's here. It might even be worth taking that up in IC (individual counseling).

WS's can only do so much to repair a broken marriage. The fact of the matter is that it takes TWO, and both have to be doing the work required to get better. Both need to be 100% honest. And both need to CHOOSE healing.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8702834
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 11:08 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

I do not understand why, after disclosure and your husband's willingness to give you a second chance, you acted so meanly to him and your kids. One would think you would have been so grateful that you would have made the changes you describe years ago.

Perhaps this bothers him. I know I would be resentful, having offered reconciliation only to have my wife mistreat me thereafter.

I think you should try to figure out, maybe in therapy, why you treated your family so poorly.

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8702837
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 11:11 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

Not sure if you saw her post about always being hateful and a bear to be around, CT. Changes are only very recent.

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8702838
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 Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 11:54 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

WalkinonEggshelz… I have not read it but would be worth checking it out. I did IC but did not get much out of it. We go to our first marriage counseling session tomorrow. I used to get very defensive and deflect in every conversation we had, but I am working on that. It is so hard because of the guilt I have for the pain I have caused him but also for the shame and reminders I have for all the horrible things I did to my BS. I am also working on becoming proactive because I would always hope we didn’t talk about the A and would try to avoid it like the plague. I see that doesn’t help but only makes me look like I really don’t care.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2021
id 8702840
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 Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 11:56 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

Waitedwaytoolong….. thanks for the advice. We didn’t work together the whole 11 years. We both got transferred to different locations but then both needed back at the original store. At that point I should have left or asked to be transferred out again. I was more worried about the money I was making and completely ignored how it would make my husband feel. You are right in what you say and I appreciate it.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2021
id 8702841
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 Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 12:03 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Dazedandconfused1978…. I have faced the reality and I am finally starting to see what my BS needs from me for our R. I am very thankful for a 2nd chance. I love him so much and hope I can earn his trust back and make him happy again with me. I am so lucky to have him. I have put him through hell and he doesn’t deserve any of it.
You are right… there is more to my story. After confessing to my affair 16 years ago I was transferred to another location where I started having an emotional affair with another co-worker. I am very thankful he did not feel the same way and nothing happened between us but I was still willing to do so had he offered. I think a lot of it was the fact that my job was an hour each way and I worked 10-12 hours a day so I was with my co-worker more than my husband. My husband and I were so busy with our kids and life that we didn’t take the time to heal and do the proper steps for recovery. This by no means makes what I did right. I am not making excuses. Nothing about it was right on my part. I don’t even have the desire to look at any other men in a sexual or emotional way any longer. I am so happy in my marriage as we have both made positive changes and just hope I can get him to let me back in and show my love for him.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2021
id 8702843
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 12:04 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

I only had sex with him 4-5 times total and we only met once outside of work

You're writing this statement now so it indicates your current state of mind. I found this immediately striking and it stood out like a sore thumb.

Meaning you are still -- nearly two decades later -- rationalizing and minimizing big time and having a hard time understanding why your husband would still be devastated by it.

Spend some time reflecting on that. You used "only" two times to qualify actions that are marriage enders if they happen "only" once.

I sense you have not disclosed everything to him and this is the real reason his brain can't rest. Is that the case? Does your husband know about the second affair? Even if he doesn't “know” I'm willing to bet he senses it and knows you've still lied to him.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:06 AM, Tuesday, December 7th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4527   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8702844
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 Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 12:08 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Prissy4life……thanks for your input. I truly am trying now. I wasn’t in the beginning and I regret that so much. How I handled things in the past really makes it hard for him to believe anything I say. I understand his point because what ground does he have to believe me? It does get frustrating though because I am not lying about anything now and he won’t believe me. It just stinks🙁. I am hopeful we can get to that point again

posts: 29   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2021
id 8702845
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 Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 12:13 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Emergent8….. let me first say congrats on your Recovery! That does give me hope. It was discovered not long after it happened. The A lasted a couple of months. Unfortunately trickle truth has been going on until very recently. We had tried to recover 16 years ago when it came out but we just did some rug sweeping and moved on with our lives. We even had another child who is now 6. We are not 100% certain what causes the trigger for the relapse. We have some guesses but start couple therapy tomorrow to try and help us figure it out. I turned around this time because I could really see the hurt, pain, anger, etc that my BS had from the affair. I decided I had to come clean about everything and also really LISTENED to what was bothering my husband and why he was so unhappy in our marriage. I want to be the wife he deserves. He is such an amazing man.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2021
id 8702846
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 Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 12:14 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Linus….. I agree and that is what I am working on. He never deserved what I put him through.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2021
id 8702847
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 Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 12:17 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Thumos… thanks for calling me out on that. You are absolutely right. It should never have even happened 1 time. I appreciate your brutal honesty. I have disclosed the 2nd affair to him. I am just thankful it didn’t go any further than it did. I have told him the truth. I think he questions me because of how I was not transparent from the start.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2021
id 8702848
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 12:38 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Badwife79, first I applaud you for sticking around even though you are getting some tough--but on-point--feedback. This cannot be easy, and so it shows a real willingness to change for the better.

I have to call you out on your 3rd to last post at the time of this writing. Your words: "what caused the trigger for the relapse"? What? Seriously? NO. If you talk about your actions this way, I can see your husband being really upset by this. You DECIDED to have a 2nd affair. Not any "triggers" or whatever, you have full agency instead. You need to own that, 100%, and your use of euphemisms says that you are not there yet.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:48 AM, Tuesday, December 7th]

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8702849
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 12:47 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

While I agree, each spouse must heal themselves, I would imagine it would be nearly impossible to heal when the WS trickle truth(lies) to the BS for nearly 2 decades, and gets angry and defensive whenever their BS needs to talk about it.

You've cheated on him twice? Why did you cheat again?

In what ways are you showing remorse?

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8702851
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 Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 12:58 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Wontbefooledagain…. The 2nd affair was an emotional affair that happened several years ago as well so it is not the cause for this all coming back. I appreciate your comments and yes I am wanting to heal our marriage.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2021
id 8702853
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