I'm in the process of divorcing my WW (though she still doesn't admit to having any kind of affair) so I'm feeling lots of anger, sadness, confusion, and obviously in pain and will likely be in this state for some time, but maybe you lovely people at SI can help me out with this.
Seriously, how do people do it? People, by their nature, are so fucking fickle and volatile that they can just be like "I'm out of here" out of nowhere despite telling you they love you. That's why I think the phrase "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is such bullshit. When it comes to romantic love, saying you love your partner means you're IN love with them. They mean the same goddamned thing! If you don't love me, then you're not in love with me, PERIOD. Is that me trying to apply logic to explain away an emotion? People are chaotic and are growing every which way all the time that it seems like there would have to be some cosmic miracle in order for people to be married for 50+ years nowadays. Are traditional things like marriage and lifelong monogamy going by the wayside? Maybe it's society that's given people the idea that LTRs are becoming obsolete, that vows are bullshit (which I'm inclined to believe now because they're just words), that you can cheat and shatter someone's heart, but that's ok because there's another bus every 15 minutes. Everyone's replaceable, no one really matters, and every man and woman for themselves. I hope this bitterness doesn't stick around.
Up until this divorce, my main love language was "words of affirmation". Now, I realize that talk is cheap. I was never much of an "acts of service" guy, but I am now. Fuck words, SHOW me you love me, not just say you do. Of course, her lying about who she was hanging out with on D-Day, having one-on-one time with her male coworker alone in his house, and lying to me about it all wasn't my fault (I can't call it an affair though because my sweet, caring, loving wife won't admit to such a thing. Did I mention that already?), but it's my fault for not seeing my wife's ACTIONS that communicated that she didn't want to put in the work necessary for our marriage to thrive. She kept saying that things between us were great and that it was my jealousy, insecurity, and anxiety that were messing things up. Even when my spidey senses tingling that some fuckery was afoot and driving myself crazy over it (due to her gaslighting of course). I don't want to be pointing the finger at my wife for everything. I want to grow and become better. I know I wasn't perfect either, but overall, I thought I was a pretty good husband, though my wife might disagree. My wife's words and actions weren't congruent, but come on, she's my wife, the one person whose words I should believe because there's blind trust there for that person and they have the same for you. That kind of trust is fucking beautiful to me, almost sacred.
Fuck, she needs to stop living rent free in my head now. WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED! IT'S FUCKING OVER! GET OUT OF MY HEAD, JESS!!!
It may be hard to believe given that I just had that outburst, I'm a pretty gentle, sensitive soul. Maybe society is what instilled that into me. A Nice Guy, perhaps. I got soft, lost my assertiveness, didn't prioritize myself enough, and got complacent in my marriage. I'm sure that happens to the best of us, but maybe I let it go on for too long and my wife lost attraction for me. I must have lost my masculine edge along the way, which led to her loss of attraction and her ultimately checking out of the marriage before I had a clue. I did give her countless opportunities to communicate with me about it, but she didn't take them.
I'm 34 in a few weeks. We were only married for three fucking years and she didn't want to work on things when the first big hurdle in our marriage presented itself. When the going gets tough, she gets going - grade A marriage material there. In the aftermath of D-Day, she said she's questioning vows and the whole of marriage as an institution. I feel like a fool. How could I have misjudged someone that I was with for a third of my life? How can I trust myself with looking for red flags and judging whether or not future partners will be long-term material or not? I don't know what's fucking real anymore!
Speaking of not knowing what's real, maybe I need to find God or something. My wife and I are pretty agnostic, but every successful marriage that I know of thus far has some religious element to it. God seems to give them direction, purpose, and a rock solid guide to how one should show up in their marriage and life.
I could go on for hours making this post, but there needs to be an end at some point. How do people stay in successful LTRs and marriages for the rest of their lives? I'm at a loss for so many things right now, but this question is bugging me.
[This message edited by Lurkster at 4:13 PM, Wednesday, December 1st]