Hi guys, I really could use some advice. My wife is bipolar and has suffered lots of abuse growing up, including child abuse by a family member and domestic abuse by her abuser exbf who is in jail for drug trafficking. I am a private investigator and anti human trafficking taskforce agent, and I missed all the signs... Long story short we met online as she was (unconsciously) seeking for a white knight experienced in helping abuse survivors, and ended up falling for me within a month and so did I. Due to covid, our meeting in person got delayed for months... and after we married, I discovered she was an escort/sugar baby for 3 years, she started on it as to get back at her abusive bf and also because she was conditioned to be objectified since she was a child. She basically stopped doing it around 4 months before we met in person, and we married 3 months after meeting. Many times I was hurting cause she disappeared and now I know why. She has cried, apologized, and says she feels lots of hate, shame, and disgust towards herself. I believe her.
I went to the finish line and found all kinds of texts, emails, hard evidence on her emails, drives, and even some profiles she had at some sugar baby sites. Oh boy I regret seeing some things a lot. She was very sloppy in hiding stuff and once I got access to 1 email the Pandora box opened. She is a student and before I supported her financially she had no income and no prospect of getting a proper job. The lies and the denial, the way she gets defensive... is really tough on me. I offered her financial help before we met and she didnt accept it, so as you can see, she is not after my money (not that I have much).
How do I avoid lashing out? Our relationship and arguments can get dicey in seconds as she is bipolar and Im what's known as "quiet borderline personality disorder" in which I suffer all the pain and lash at myself not at her... not a great combo but the love we have for each other is gigantic. Its been only 1 month since I found out and I already forgave her, but at the same time, I have not forgiven myself over not seeing the red flags. Now I feel I have to be extra vigilant with her and she has agreed no disclose all her communications with me as I have, and we basically dont leave any room for anyone to be meddling in our relationship.
I wanna trust her again especially since it happened before the relationship was "real" but for me it fel real since day 1. She says she only did once or twice a month to finance her studies but Idk... most days I believe in her good nature and others I worry a cheater is always cheater. I also feel that because it happened before our first kiss, I am being a bit oversensitive, but I was faithful for that whole year and I suffered intensely... anytime I remember those days she disappeared the pain comes back almost undiluted...
It seems I'm on the final stages of grief (ive had a hard life and I get over shit quick) - but I still feel traumatized and with a little PTSD. Whats the best way to disengage when our arguments start they go from 0 to 1000 in 2 seconds and then the blame game starts... when we are good, is the best but when we are arguing, is hell.
Too intense. Too much fire. And both of us get super hurt very quick if the other is not careful.