I’m very new to this and trying my hardest to get better. But I feel like I am doing all the work, as she refuses to go to IC to address any other causes that have nothing to do to me.
Both approaches make sense to me… so should we get a new MC that will focus more on core values? How do I find one?
You'd need to interview some MC's before booking with them, and then you just ask them whether they believe cheating is a marital problem or a character problem. And what do YOU think about that? Your opinion counts, you know. What makes sense to you? Do you think you caused your WW to cheat? Do you think she looked at you and said to herself, "damn, I need someone else". You say your MC is working with you on CBT. Is that to try and get rid of negative self talk? How are you supposed to do that when what they're telling you is that YOU are insufficient??? I mean, we pretty much all take a temporary hit on our self-esteem right after dday, but that didn't last for me past the point where I realized that my WH is the one with the defective character. I can't make his choices. I can't control what he does. I have no ability to MAKE him value the things he claimed to when we met, things like honesty and fidelity.
The downside to the "unmet needs" fallacy is that not only does it validate your WS's crappy choices, it leaves the BS as an anxious mess who's not entirely sure what s/he did to cause the cheating and whether or not it will happen again. But guess what?... when you REJECT the unmet needs model, you can heal. I know, because I have.
I don't take ANY responsibility for my fWH's cheating, and I didn't agree to take him back until he agreed to repair his broken character. And that's the thing really... the big difference between blaming the marriage or blaming the cheater. It's what you insist on getting fixed, right? I wasn't going to continue living with my fWH unless he was willing to make real and lasting changes in himself, unless he was willing to identify what went wrong and then resolve it within himself. Don't forget, I've done this both ways now. And your MC's way got me cheated on again.
The bottom line here is that our resolve to be faithful has to come from within. It's got to be a part of who we are and what we value, part of our character. When we really, truly VALUE the things we claim to, like fidelity and honesty, we build strong boundaries around those things. We don't even have to think about it. I BELIEVE in fidelity, so I can't cheat, and I don't put myself in risky situations. I don't look at other men as sexual/romantic options. Hell, I remember years ago, waiting on a customer at work who turned out to be a rather attractive man. But I didn't notice until my coworkers pointed it out because I don't look at men that way. The boundary becomes innate, just part of who you are. It's completely organic.
On the healing side of things, I'm nearly seven years out now and I'm not going to lie, it was rough going for the first five. But I do consider myself to be healed now. I don't spend time thinking about what happened unless I'm here at SI. I rarely trigger. I don't worry about whether or not my fWH might cheat again. I believe he's got his head on straight now, obviously, or I wouldn't be with him. But if it turns out I was wrong, I can handle it now. I'm stronger than I have ever been and my fWH is no longer in position to destroy me. I don't think I could say that if I was still blaming myself and/or my marriage for the cheating.
We've only got a couple of your posts to go on, but it looks like like you've got basically three options. First, you can keep on going with what you've been doing, the "unmet needs" model in MC. That really is going to require you to eat the proverbial shit sandwich though because you know in your heart that you didn't do this. It was her choice. And yeah, we do have guys who come back after 20, 30, and even 40 years who are suddenly as anxious and miserable as they were at dday because they rugswept and they haven't healed. Your second option is just to divorce her out of hand. That's a tough option when you've got a house full of kids, but you're still a reasonably young guy with a lot of life to live. Any time you come to a crossroads like this, there's a path untaken, and that path might have been wonderful. Maybe you would have met someone faithful and true who would have been good to you and your kids. You'll never know. Your third option is to scrap the bad MC, face your WW with the TRUTH that you need more from her and that you need her to change. It's so romantic to say "I love you for just who you are", but this isn't Hollywood and what she is.. is a cheater. She needs to change her worldview and how she interacts with her own values. She needs to get some boundaries together and learn to HONOR the things she claims to care about. If she can do that, everything else has a pretty good shot at falling into place. Not saying that the healing work is over, because there's quite a bit of work that we BS need to do in order to put the past behind us. But R takes two, and until your WW is taking responsibility, you're still rugsweeping.
You know, you can always bring her here. Maybe not right away, but when you're more comfortable. There's a "wayward" section she can post in and we have a few former WS's who have hung around and can give some guidance to new members. You might consider reading in there for yourself just a bit so you can see the real difference between the recovered WS and the rugswept WS. I don't see what you would have to lose by giving this thing a do-over. At worst, you'd be back where you are now, thinking about whether you truly do want to continue. It's a hard conversation to have, but the alternative is "going along to get along", and I don't think you're going to like where that brings you.