Newest Member: AcesEights

Wayward Side :
Backslide... warning too much information


Organic2003 ( member #69811) posted at 3:05 AM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

Dear (((Amilliondreams)))

I spent my day thinking about you and the horrible treatment an affair has on the spouse, you have endured abuse. It is abuse. YOU suffered abuse at the hand of your husband.

I posted harshly about having your husband get a vasectomy without asking your motives. Because of my many experiences I judged that you maybe doing it to continue the revenge and consequence you feel your husband should face.

RA and revenge in general need a lot of consideration. What is fair justice for his abuse, kill him, cane him, D him, just some cheap forgiveness? You decided to humiliate him, that maybe fair justice. But in the long run when has justice been served? When will you have extracted enough justice for his abuse? NEVER is true.

Then how do you move forward to some form of forgiveness. Now both of you have cheated you both must find the scales are as even as they ever can be and move to R or D. Get out of infidelity.

Please find love and stop the circle of abuse your marriage is suffering from. Stop any WW thinking you still have, expect your H to stop his WW thinking he still has.

The dark thoughts of revenge I have had are so troubling to me because I have lived a life with a credo "Revenge is Gods", so I do think I understand your need for revenge or some justice. But at what point does it stop? I have cancer (short jailtime) so my darkness has gone so far as to add a couple holes in AP. Thoughts no one would think I could ever have. No worries I have children and grandchildren I want to continue seeing.

Please think about stopping your affair and any of the good thoughts you have from it. Think about how you move on to a great life full of love not hate.

I hope others on your thread can keep your feet to the fire, with love and respect I failed at with my earlier posts.


[This message edited by Organic2003 at 3:33 AM, Saturday, November 13th]

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 148   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8698258

Carissima ( member #66330) posted at 6:25 PM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

And once again this thread has become about the OP's sex life.

I'm not sure anyone other than myself has even mention the fact that she restarted her affair recently after years therefore giving her WS/BS another DDay. I mean the OP even mentioned it was discovered weeks not even months but it's totally ignored in favour of her sex life.

I feel like most of this thread belongs in General tbh if there was a way to split topics.

[This message edited by Carissima at 6:26 PM, Saturday, November 13th]

posts: 941   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2018
id 8698318

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 12:45 PM on Sunday, November 14th, 2021


You're right she restarted it when she broke NC. That does need to be addressed in a major way. Bringing it up here (NC break) isn't helpful as it takes the focus off what OP is working on. That's a whole other thread that I recommend OP start because it was a major temptation for me in the beginning when we were in the "shit hit the fan" phase and things were ugly. This thread though is focusing on her sex life and how she can best address her issues around fertility and assertiveness in managing both quantity and quality of sex in her M.

I think I'm start a thread on breaking NC. Perhaps it would be a good post to start- ala the divorce forums "Don't break NC- post it here" thread. I'll start it and ask a mod to pin it and restrict to WS's only. I find it would be helpful for those in their early days going cold turkey to deal with the drug addict withdrawal. More along the lines of Goodbye Dear John letters so the WS can process their grief and loss over their AP. BS's are going to barf and get angry, but it IS a necessary part of the WS work. It's like abortion recovery- a VERY triggering subject. Both involve regret and grief in many and as a society we need a safe place to get it out and discuss it. Otherwise it comes out elsewhere and damages those left in its wake. Ask me how I know.

As for the original topic, I'll second what the other posters are saying about taking agency. There are non-chemical methods of preventing children that can work around even my Catholic beliefs that are effective. Get this out of the way and you may find yourself in a place of less anxiety as a couple and better able to let go and get on with the mutual bonding and pleasure sex affords.

Also, gently, what others said about gaining a sense of compassion for your husband. I struggled with that for years and only am recently coming around to it. My anger and defenses were so high before my A (and I had several LARGE things in our marriage to be angry about) that I couldn't even see him as a human deserving of kindness and care. That kind of hurt, anger and fortress building takes HARD WORK to resolve. I hope you can start a thread on that as I would love to help you work through that anger. To teach is to learn twice and it's something I still struggle with from time to time and would like to discuss it with others doing their work. The anger needs processing- first for your own sake and also for your family's.

You deserve to be healed.

posts: 205   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8698378

gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 10:20 PM on Sunday, November 14th, 2021

I simply think there's nothing wrong with OP's request that her husband finally step up and take the reigns in the contraceptive department.

Just as a point of interest, my wife HEAVILY used this argument with me and essentially guilted me into a vasectomy. I had serious complications from that procedure that occurred nearly 10 years ago and I will never be the same sexually. That to say vasectomies are easy & risk-free is proven false by my experience.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8698448
Cookies on®® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20211124 2002-2021® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy