SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear (((Amilliondreams)))

I spent my day thinking about you and the horrible treatment an affair has on the spouse, you have endured abuse. It is abuse. YOU suffered abuse at the hand of your husband.

I posted harshly about having your husband get a vasectomy without asking your motives. Because of my many experiences I judged that you maybe doing it to continue the revenge and consequence you feel your husband should face.

RA and revenge in general need a lot of consideration. What is fair justice for his abuse, kill him, cane him, D him, just some cheap forgiveness? You decided to humiliate him, that maybe fair justice. But in the long run when has justice been served? When will you have extracted enough justice for his abuse? NEVER is true.

Then how do you move forward to some form of forgiveness. Now both of you have cheated you both must find the scales are as even as they ever can be and move to R or D. Get out of infidelity.

Please find love and stop the circle of abuse your marriage is suffering from. Stop any WW thinking you still have, expect your H to stop his WW thinking he still has.

The dark thoughts of revenge I have had are so troubling to me because I have lived a life with a credo "Revenge is Gods", so I do think I understand your need for revenge or some justice. But at what point does it stop? I have cancer (short jailtime) so my darkness has gone so far as to add a couple holes in AP. Thoughts no one would think I could ever have. No worries I have children and grandchildren I want to continue seeing.

Please think about stopping your affair and any of the good thoughts you have from it. Think about how you move on to a great life full of love not hate.

I hope others on your thread can keep your feet to the fire, with love and respect I failed at with my earlier posts.

Organic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 3:33 AM, Saturday, November 13th]

And once again this thread has become about the OP's sex life.

I'm not sure anyone other than myself has even mention the fact that she restarted her affair recently after years therefore giving her WS/BS another DDay. I mean the OP even mentioned it was discovered weeks not even months but it's totally ignored in favour of her sex life.

I feel like most of this thread belongs in General tbh if there was a way to split topics.

[This message edited by Carissima at 6:26 PM, Saturday, November 13th]

Carissima,

You're right she restarted it when she broke NC. That does need to be addressed in a major way. Bringing it up here (NC break) isn't helpful as it takes the focus off what OP is working on. That's a whole other thread that I recommend OP start because it was a major temptation for me in the beginning when we were in the "shit hit the fan" phase and things were ugly. This thread though is focusing on her sex life and how she can best address her issues around fertility and assertiveness in managing both quantity and quality of sex in her M.

I think I'm start a thread on breaking NC. Perhaps it would be a good post to start- ala the divorce forums "Don't break NC- post it here" thread. I'll start it and ask a mod to pin it and restrict to WS's only. I find it would be helpful for those in their early days going cold turkey to deal with the drug addict withdrawal. More along the lines of Goodbye Dear John letters so the WS can process their grief and loss over their AP. BS's are going to barf and get angry, but it IS a necessary part of the WS work. It's like abortion recovery- a VERY triggering subject. Both involve regret and grief in many and as a society we need a safe place to get it out and discuss it. Otherwise it comes out elsewhere and damages those left in its wake. Ask me how I know.

As for the original topic, I'll second what the other posters are saying about taking agency. There are non-chemical methods of preventing children that can work around even my Catholic beliefs that are effective. Get this out of the way and you may find yourself in a place of less anxiety as a couple and better able to let go and get on with the mutual bonding and pleasure sex affords.

Also, gently, what others said about gaining a sense of compassion for your husband. I struggled with that for years and only am recently coming around to it. My anger and defenses were so high before my A (and I had several LARGE things in our marriage to be angry about) that I couldn't even see him as a human deserving of kindness and care. That kind of hurt, anger and fortress building takes HARD WORK to resolve. I hope you can start a thread on that as I would love to help you work through that anger. To teach is to learn twice and it's something I still struggle with from time to time and would like to discuss it with others doing their work. The anger needs processing- first for your own sake and also for your family's.

You deserve to be healed.

I simply think there's nothing wrong with OP's request that her husband finally step up and take the reigns in the contraceptive department.

Just as a point of interest, my wife HEAVILY used this argument with me and essentially guilted me into a vasectomy. I had serious complications from that procedure that occurred nearly 10 years ago and I will never be the same sexually. That to say vasectomies are easy & risk-free is proven false by my experience.

Dear AMD,

I hope you are still reading as I wanted to share some words with you from Cheryl Strayed--

"Don't surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn't true anymore."
― Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

Personally, I view what you are doing to yourself, and to your marriage, as self-sabbotage. And for what? or why?

Please don't surrender any more of your joy! You can have a different life and a better marriage if you are open to making different choices for yourself.

Wishing you and your family happy holidays!

Wow! I didn't realize how dedicated you guys are to responding! I made the mistake of only checking this post for a few days and (after seeing non activity for a few more days) assuming that meant it was a dead topic. I wont make that mistake again, as I strongly value all the information I learn from here. There is no other outlet, currently, I have to discuss this with anyone other than my husband and his view is his own, biased- as is mine.

Weve devolved into a simmering pot of hurt for these past months. I frankly don't know what else to do there. I am attempting to be wholy, embarrassingly honest with him- as I wouldve wanted him to be with me back during his year of TT. I answer his questions, I take his anger, and I even engage to the best of my ability his need for hypotheticals.

I do realize that I am in the wrong for breaking NC. I also do realize I still justify that to myself in my head by placing blame on him for originating the initial affair and that it won't lead me anywhere. I dont know how to stop that. I'm just spinning my wheels there. Alot of energy spent for no movement. Another long discussion yesterday made it clear that I do want to keep my affair partner on the back burner as some form of assurance should my husband stray again. Believe me I know how disgusting that sentence sounds, I know it's wrong. I understand intellectually all of this. And to be clear, the AP himself as a person has less than zero meaning to me, he could be anyone. He just served a purpose. I know what I need to do is just drop him forever. Easy right? Sure. But where did my mind go from that thought? It went to, "ugh, when my husband cheats again it'll be so much work to find someone new again." Meaning (as someone who has only proverbially gotten over someone by getting under someone else- this is not an issue I'm looking to address here btw) should my husband cheat again, I'm looking for the fastest way to get over him/distract myself/keep myself strong and that's through another partner. I'm telling you all this as openly as possible to hopefully get the advice I need for a healthy resolution to finally make some sense to me.
To be clear, my husband doesn't think he's ever going to cheat on me again and my feelings he will are all about me thinking I'm protecting myself.
I've still got a long way to go to understand a path to take.
No. Neither of us are even remotely interested in divorcing currently. It would take an extreme betrayal to bring that around and neither of us would be happy about it.
But neither am I happy all the time now. All in all, it's ok.
As to the vasectomy. He admits to really wanting a boy and now once again posts that if we just have 1 more he will have a vasectomy. I'm not even going to think about that currently.
Now again back to advice. I would happily take any and all of your collective experiences to figure out how to break my admittedly stubborn refusal to own my singular wayward behavior without passing the buck back to him. I'm more than willing to try just about anything. I do want to be happy. Not just ok. I could live with ok, and continue in this existence just fine I guess but I want the more so many others seem to work to.

Affair (revenge or otherwise) + No remorse = Not worth wasting further precious life on

Just my 5c

Just my two cents, but it seems that you have (or feel that you have) a wayward H who does not respect you--the sanctity of your M, your desire to avoid more pregnancies, your boundary around no sex without a vasectomy, your need for bonding during sex, or your need to know details about the A. Does he ever support you or meet your needs above his own???? Seems like No.

Your wayward nature is caused by your inability to accept this truth. You want to hurt him back because you are too afraid to leave him. But if you stay and do nothing and let him have his way, you feel violated, devalued, and depressed.

He does not value you; he values getting his own needs met (as with all cheaters). But you won't leave him. Until you stand up for yourself, your brain will be looking for a reprieve, an escape (like outside validation, for example)--and it won't be healthy, I guarantee.

Just my thoughts. Best wishes.

Eta: everyone is on your case saying you haven't done the "work," but what are your H's Whys? What work has he done? He won't even answer your questions. And some idiot MC backing him up? Ridiculously invalidating to you. His wayward ass absolutely has a monitoring device on your phone. No wonder you don't feel safe.

You don't bring another child into the world because you want a boy (newsflash, brainiac! There's no guarantee that it's going to be a boy! In fact, odds are not looking good). You have another child because you want another child.

Your WH has issues.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:45 PM, Wednesday, December 29th]

To be completely frank, both you and your H need to see an IC.

There are deep issues that you will not be able to work out alone, as both of you seem to have one foot out the door, and yet, stubbornly, refuse to admit it.

From what you have posted, both of you are still in wayward thinking mode (self-protection above all else). Your H is still selfish in putting his wants above yours by not considering you and getting a vasectomy(no empathy), and you are hanging onto your AP because you want an easy way out(no empathy).

Until both of you can break the toxic mentalities, you will probably remain in limbo, which is a horrific place to be in, as nothing is resolved, and everything is uncertain. Not a healthy environment for anybody.