SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@Dailygratitude

I am so sorry that you are in this mess right now. I can feel your anguish and wish that you did not have to question yourself. I believe that everyone can change if they want it badly enough. However, when I see this post... alarms go off for me.. Personally, I could have never reconciled with my H if he was not truly remorseful and wanted to do everything in his power to fix it and to make me feel safe that this could never happen again. It sounds like your H is telling you what he needs and is unsure of right now, and how it is possible that he may be doing this again. He should be focusing on your needs and how he will make you safe... etc.. etc.. IMO,I would be careful in considering reconciling at this point. It does not sound like he is anywhere close to where he needs to be to want to repair and heal your marriage. I am so so sorry that you are feeling so bad right now. I always tell myself that trials come to develop enduring strength for greater purposes. Be strong. I will pray for you. God Bless.

He is asking for two months. That raises alarms for me. You don't seem to have any commitment from him at all. What if he is lying to you about waiting the two months? What if he is preparing an exit from you to his advantage? Right now he is a cheater.

Protect yourself financially and legally right now. Don't wait. Get options from professionals. Please prepare yourself.

I wish you well.

I'm going to suggest that you stop thinking of whether or not he can be rehabbed or whether or not he's confused. Take him for what he is right now. His potential is as meaningful as whether or not it might rain in 423 days at 2pm local time.

He is cheating and is suggesting he might want to do lots more of that. That's who he is. That's what you're facing. React accordingly. Your feelings don't matter to him or this wouldn't be happening. He's spending enough energy on his feelings for the both of you. So drop that burden and get onto protecting yourself.

What does "giving him two months" mean if he understands that you might not be there waiting at the end of it?

Tell him, "No. I love myself too much to tolerate this disrespect and cruelty. You are not the type of husband I deserve."

And then go NC.

Boundaries, not negotiation. Stop even considering that you might tolerate this abuse.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:40 AM, Saturday, October 23rd]

I’d say, " Oh good, because I was thinking the same. I really do want to make our marriage work too, however Jimmy, that really cute guy at work, has been flirting with me. Anyway, can you pick up the kids and get dinner started while I swing by the Motel 6 with Jimmy for a few hours? I’ll see you at home around 7."

Thank you all for your candid and eye opening responses. It’s been difficult for me to think straight these days. So thank you for setting things straight.

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 2:53 PM, Sunday, November 28th]

This sounds totally stupid but I feel like he can find happiness in a wonderful relationship in the future! That some woman will get the improved and better version of my husband who learned from his mistakes.

Or maybe YOU will "find happiness in a wonderful relationship in the future". There's no way to tell what might happen for either of you. Unless a cheater is really willing to pull out all the stops and change the way he interacts with his values system and his worldview, he's not going to change. It's hard work, humbling and painful. Based on what you posted in your opening post, this guy doesn't sound like he's got what it takes to do that. Yeah, he might meet someone else and it might look good from the outside, but unless he does the work, he's still the same selfish, shallow specimen. Look what he said to you...

...he says he would like to reconcile with me but is hesitant because he doesn’t know if he can be 100% faithful. He says the affair opened his eyes to the possibility of dating other women. He did not date many women before we got married. He’s afraid even as we work on our marriage, he might be tempted to pursue other women or be resentful he gave up the dating life to be in the marriage.

That's about pussy. Everything that you have done for him, all that you are, and even after dday, when he KNOWS he might lose you, he's still worried about what kind of access he might have to getting strange. That's sick. He's a sick guy. Can that change? maybe. Anything is possible. Is it likely? not if that kind of trash can still escape his mouth.

You're the only one who can make this decision. I think your best bet is to look it all over and try to determine whether anything has changed for the better.

((big hugs))

I feel like he can find happiness in a wonderful relationship in the future! That some woman will get the improved and better version of my husband who learned from his mistakes

Full disclosure, I'm not D and not in R. However, I absolutely shared this sentiment for a LONG time (like years) after dday. Today? Not at all. Sure, my WH may ultimately become a decent person/partner... or find some great relationship. Or maybe not. Who knows.

Took me a LONG time to realize that whatever the heck happens to my WH at some point in the future doesn't really matter that much to ME or to my healing and growth. And worrying about it (or doing that effing cost/benefit analysis) did more to stall my own journey than to help it along. It takes energy from the things I needed to focus on - i.e., MY healing from the trauma of his lying & cheating. Once I managed to figure out he was not at all interested in supporting me with that healing, and once I figured out that it was really up to me - and ONLY me- to figure out who I was, who I wanted to be, what I wanted from life, etc., is when the real healing began. It can take time, and we are all different and our relationships are all different.

Sure, it's POSSIBLE that my WH (or yours, or anyone's WS) MAY ultimately turn into a better human, safe partner, and all that jazz. It happens and we see it on SI. To me, the issue is who is that person TODAY and what progress are they making toward that better human/safe partner TODAY. IMO, someone who can't quite figure out if they need side strange or not isn't on the better person/safe partner track - at all. Indeed, they are running in the opposite direction.