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Reconciliation :
Possible serial cheater or just confused?

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 DailyGratitude (original poster new member #79494) posted at 7:03 PM on Sunday, October 17th, 2021

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 2:51 PM, Sunday, November 28th]

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8693720
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 8:12 PM on Sunday, October 17th, 2021

I am sorry you find yourself here. Everything is possible but your WH being faithful in the future is not probable in my opinion. Yeah he wants to remain married to you BUT.. he is already planning a cop out for his future cheating.

What he is asking for or wanting is an open relationship, one sided if possible.


Good luck.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8693728
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Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 11:09 PM on Sunday, October 17th, 2021

You need to decide what you are willing to accept in your relationship. If you want a faithful, safe partner, I would let him know since he's so conflicted, you need to continue the separation and maybe you will explore what's out there for you. When he is truly remorseful and can prove to be a safe faithful partner, you may consider reconciliation if you haven't found something better.

posts: 291   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8693751
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WTAF ( member #79274) posted at 12:02 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Though he says he would like to reconcile, he openly admits that he is not fully committed. The impression I get is that he is testing the waters to see what you will put up with. If you move forward with R, he has already pre excused himself for repeated cheating. I would worry that he wouldn't be respectful of your hurt feelings since he will have already warned you. He wants to be with other women while still having a wife and a home base to fall back on.

You will need to think seriously about what you are willing to put up with and what you want in a relationship. You deserve to be with someone who is on the same page about your relationship, and who is all in with you. Hugs and good luck.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2021   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8693754
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 1:13 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Am I looking at a possible serial cheater? Or is what he is feeling "normal" for someone who experienced the excitement of an affair? Can someone like him be rehabbed?

Yes. Yes. And no.

My own fWH had a Craigslist binge which lasted for about 9 months, probably much longer in the ramp-up to it. But when he was caught and I told him I was definitely filing for divorce, he sat with that for about a week until he came to me and asked for a month to change my mind. In that month, he was supposed to be NC with the OW, but sure enough, I caught him trying the let-her-down-gently routine with the last of them. He just couldn't stand for her to think of him as the cad he was. At that point, he had about 30 seconds to decide if he was "all in" or "all out". So yeah.. that part is normal. The part that isn't normal for WS's who say they want R is this his failure to pledge his future fidelity. It sounds like he's feeling you out to see if he can get an "open marriage" deal out of you. rolleyes

It's true that WS tend to get really into the excitement of an affair. They're pretty much living in a fantasy bubble. But when that bubble goes "pop!", their asses hit the ground with a thump. It sounds to me like your WH is still ensconced comfortably within his bubble, deciding between two adoring lovers from on high. rolleyes There have been no consequences for his perfidy, no REALITY intruding upon his fantasy of enjoying the pussy smorgasbord while you wait home cooking his meals and washing his socks.

You asked if this guy is a candidate for R, and you're posting here in the Reconciliation section, so I'm assuming R is on your mind. But no, his attitude right now is not what we see from WS's who are keen to reconcile. Typically, when they're busted, the ones who want to stay turn it around pretty quickly. Mine snapped out of it in less than a month. It was like the fantasy bubble popped and he couldn't even identify with what the hell he had been thinking. All the mental gymnastics he had used in order to give himself permission to cheat suddenly failed to make sense to him.

I can't guarantee that your WH will respond the way mine did when I put him to the choice. But don't you deserve better than what you're getting right now? Even on DDay, caught red-handed, my WH would have rather swallowed his own tongue than look me in the eye and tell me he's not sure he's done dating other women. What your WH is telling you is that strange pussy might be more important to him than you. Doesn't that make him about a teaspoon deep? Everything that you are, all you have done, is worth less to him than the lure of other women's crotches. That's what he's telling you. I think you'd do well to spend more time in contemplation of whether this guy is good enough for you and maybe a little less on his potential. Right now, he's telling you pretty clearly that he's not into R.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:13 AM, Monday, October 18th]

posts: 4674   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8693762
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:04 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Possible does not equate to probable.

So this AP may not be right for him? Poor guy. Sounds like he’ll started search for the right one if this ends which it hasn’t.

Drop your hopium pipe and divorce this loser.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8693774
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 10:04 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Hey, the good thing is he's pretty honest and doesn't lie as much as they usually do.
He is, however, not that conflicted. It sounds like you're now an option, along with the others.
He's really into trying out strange and just has to find "the right one". The one he had wasn't.
I'm not sure why she wasn't the right thing, but she wasn't.

You signed the S agreement. Keep it right there until you can seriously reassess.
He'll still be alive in a year. Wait and see where it is then.
If he's out there, with some OW at any time, move from S to D.

This man has gone from known cheater to a very risky bet.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 980   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8693785
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still-living ( member #30434) posted at 12:21 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

He’s trying to maintain you as a plan B. This is not reconciliation material in my opinion.

SL

posts: 1819   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2010
id 8693792
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 2:10 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

He's not committed, and he's being honest about that.

It sounds like you would be a kind of stop-gap wife.

Is that what you want?

BW 30-year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month EA/PA
Recovering

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8693802
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 3:03 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

At least he isn't lying that he's all in while still playing the field. That's a good thing.

I recommend that you take him at his word and continue towards D. Unless you're interested in an open marriage, in which case I think that you should still D him for financial reasons, even if you want to stay with him.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 604   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8693805
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:31 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

He isn't marriage material.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8693816
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:46 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

He isn't marriage material.

laugh

Unless you want an open M, how can you and your WS agree on what your M will be?

You can't Reconcile unless you do agree on what your M will be. I think you have a choice between rug-sweeping and D.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8693821
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 DailyGratitude (original poster new member #79494) posted at 8:59 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Thank you all for your suggestions and insight. I am so so grateful to have found this community.

And no i do not want an open marriage

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 2:52 PM, Sunday, November 28th]

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8693853
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 10:25 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

He either wants to have his cake (keep you on the back burner) and eat it, too (continue to get some strange) or he's too much of a weenie to tell you now that he wants a divorce, so he's pushing it out two months.

What do you want, keeping in mind that you can't control him? Always keep the focus on what's best for you.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 10:26 PM, Monday, October 18th]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 604   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8693880
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 3:28 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

He said he will ask to reconcile only when he believes he can fully commit to the marriage.

He has opened the marriage up already, gorging on as many women he can. If he falls in love with one of them, or he enjoys "the single life" too much, or one falls pregnant he will leave you, if he doesn't find love, practices safe sex (which rarely happens in As), likes having a house maid of a wife etc etc he will keep sleeping around until "it's out of his system". This is not rare, nothing to be confused about, what he is asking you is to be ok with being his "plan B", you are his back up now, you are not a priority and because you are letting him (probably because you do not want to face D) he is just going to continue doing what he has been doing... dating/sleeping around. Doubtful it will end in this 8 week time frame, if anything he will return to you but keep himself available.

The thing that trips me up is this: why this obsession of dating women all of sudden? Did this affair wake something inside of him? Is this something he can just shut off? Even if he comes and says he can control his urge to pursue other women and fully commit to the marriage, should I bother?

He needs IC to work out his whys but it's not an obsession, he is just wallowing in the rush an affair brings him. There is a lot of dopamine hits going on here that he is loving, it's a massive ego trip for him and he is finding it sexually thrilling etc etc. The sad part is he is so into it because you are letting him do it, there is no consequences here, you have not left him so he will continue until either he gets someone pregnant, moves in with one of them or returns to you, the last option.

Right now it would be insane to even consider R. If he returns to you in 8 weeks time saying "I choose you"... well so what? doesn't fix him, doesn't expose his whys, he will just rug sweep it and moving forward be the most unsafe husband because any opportunity that crosses his path he will take up on, infidelity will be your life.

We say here "actions speak louder than words because cheaters lie", his actions are : he is sleeping around, his words are : "I am sleeping around" ... you've got nothing to work with here for R.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 3:34 AM, Tuesday, October 19th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8693930
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still-living ( member #30434) posted at 6:09 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

The thing that trips me up is this: why this obsession of dating women all of sudden? Did this affair wake something inside of him? Is this something he can just shut off? Even if he comes and says he can control his urge to pursue other women and fully commit to the marriage, should I bother?

He is flat out asking you to be a backup plan for him, for at least two months (then maybe two more, then two more, etc.) while he attempts to secure a better option. If he ever comes back to you, in his eyes, you are still his backup plan leaving him unsatisfied, still wondering, still looking, and still blaming you for his unhappiness. He is looking for happiness elsewhere not understanding that happiness comes from within.

Make this your requirement: Instead of seeing other women, he needs to be seeing an Individual Counselor and working on himself.

posts: 1819   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2010
id 8693941
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 7:30 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

He said he will ask to reconcile only when he believes he can fully commit to the marriage. Otherwise he said it would be completely unfair to me. Until then, he is trying to figure things out. He asked that i give him 2 months. He is fully aware that I may not be open to reconciliation then. If by the end of the 2 months, he still can’t figure things out, then he said he’s a lost cause and I should file for D.

The thing that trips me up is this: why this obsession of dating women all of sudden? Did this affair wake something inside of him? Is this something he can just shut off? Even if he comes and says he can control his urge to pursue other women and fully commit to the marriage, should I bother?

I think it might help you to understand the biochemical reaction a WS has when they're engaging in risky behavior and illicit sex. Try typing in key words like "pair bonding, cuddle hormones, oxytocin, vasopressin" into your browser and reading some of the articles you find. What you'll discover is that cheaters are getting high on their adultery. Risky behavior releases adrenaline, dopamine pleasures the reward center of the brain. Sexual "chemistry" leads to pair bonding and the allegiance of a WS will often switch to the affair partner. Note that even though your WH knows it's a dead-end relationship, he's unwilling to give up the AP. It works kind of like cocaine, which doesn't get you high on its own. It's the biochemical cocktail that cocaine triggers your body to release that gets you high. Same thing. Cheater might start with porn and online shenanigans which provides a buzz. But just like any other drug, he gets accustomed to the dosage and it takes more to achieve the same effect. What your WH is describing isn't so much about his feeling toward the AP. It's about getting that biochemical cocktail, whether it be from her, or from someone else.

So, basically he's choosing his drug of choice over YOU. And his request for two more months is the same request any other junkie would make. He wants to keep using and he's willing to string your ass along for as long as you'll put up with it. Even better if he can gaslight you into waiting patiently so he can forestall any consequences. Not that he'll be ready later. Junkies only want help when they hit rock bottom and using hurts more than not using. So, you see what an eye-opener REALITY can be, right?

Bottom line... he's got no respect for you. And at this point, getting his respect is much more important than having his dubious excuse for love. YOU are not an option. You are his wife. And if he can't respect that today, how much less respect for it will he have two months from now when you've debased yourself by tolerating his continued perfidy???

posts: 4674   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8693948
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 2:42 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Once again, Tea spills the tea. Spot on.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 604   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8693980
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 12:58 AM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

He's a serial cheater in an ACTIVE A, right now you're plan B or C, he wants you to wait for him while he keeps dating in search for "the right one", this search of course may and is likely to continue even if he after 2 months comes back and tells you that he magically had an epiphany and all of a sudden he's now a very safe partner and that he won't cheat again. What if his current AP had been "right for him" ? I'm sure you know the answer to that, so please move on, your WH is no M material.

posts: 2473   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8694083
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:34 AM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

Your husband’s idea of "reconciliation" is that he gets to keep you as his wife appliance who looks the other way while he dates other woman.

Is that the life you want for yourself? Why do you get all the responsibility of marriage while other women get romance?

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 549   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8694086
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