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Girl Code? What would you do?

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 AnnieOakley (original poster member #13332) posted at 10:30 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

I mayyyyyy be in "a situation" and I’m trying to get ahead of it.

I started dance lessons earlier this year. I thought at the time that the man/woman were a couple. At my first lesson this was confirmed just in casual conversation. I really like them both. All of my scheduling/communications have been with the female. Minimal personal conversations, just normal chatty stuff between the 3 of us as she was always involved in the lessons from a female perspective, which I found very helpful.

Some group lessons with other students, some social/community dancing out. All told, I think outside the studio I have danced with him 3 times.

Recently, on occasion, the lessons have just been the two of us. She may be teaching in another room or not at the studio at all.

Last week he told me "you probably already know this, but I wanted to confirm that we broke up 3 months ago". BOOM. I had no idea, but looking back…the clues were indeed there.

At the end of the lesson he asked me to an event as his guest. (Meeting him there.) I have no clue if I am one of 10 invited guests or this is something more. My boundaries have been rockfrickinsolid. I don’t believe I have ever said or done anything that would imply anything beyond a professional friendship. And I was always more friendly with her. I value her opinion as she struggled learning and I truly like her.

Full disclosure, I’ve silently mini-crushed on him since day one. Which is why I was so tight with my boundaries. I wanted nothing to do with that. I just wanted to learn to dance. Period.

I sent her a text the next day, acknowledging that I was told, that I was sorry and that I was wrapped in my own world these last several months. I had no clue. She responded kindly and that they had not told many people out of respect for each other.

I’ve gone radio silent. Easy with him since I don’t even have his cell number.

He probably knows I’m single just from the casual conversations. I don’t want to EVER be perceived as the OW, so them keeping it quiet may back fire.

Ask him if she knows I’m going to this event with him? I’ve done nothing wrong, I don’t want to feel like I need to hide something! I don't want to put my foot in my mouth either and look like an idiot. Maybe I'm just in the friend zone?

It appears she will be phased out of his business.

What would you do?

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: Pacific Time Zone
id 8693212
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:21 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

What do you want? His outright telling you his relationship status then asking you to a dance means he is interested in more than a teacher/student relationship. How much contact do you have with his ex outside of lessons? She's confirmed the separation. If she was someone that you see as a continuing friend outside of the studio, then avoiding this relationship might make sense. If contact between you and the ex is likely going to just fade away, I don't see much reason not to pursue on your part. I'd be kind of leery of him. Can't really call it a monkey branch as he's already let go, but I'd want to know if he leapt from her tree directly to yours intentionally? Post infidelity I'm kind of risk adverse to those even borderline unsafe partners.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8693814
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 12:44 AM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

My thought is there is too many fish out in the sea to get tangled up in situations like this. Not saying he is a cheater, but his profession does lend itself to being around a lot of females, dancing.... touching. You okay with this if you do start dating or getting serious?

If it were me, Im not sure there is a great upside to it.

posts: 1187   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8693904
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:52 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

I would continue to hang back for now. Three months out of a relationship is not very long, as we know. So even if she was ok with it - you want to make sure the dust has settled there.

Do you have any idea how long they were together?

posts: 6685   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8693970
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:20 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Something gives me a sense of concern.

I would look elsewhere - and then watch. See who he tries to date next. You may be surprised.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8693977
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 AnnieOakley (original poster member #13332) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

I think I’m going to keep myself in the friend zone for the time being-not that he has suggested otherwise. I agree 3 months is not a long time out of a 4+ year relationship.

I’ve since found out he experienced a dday of double betrayal. I saw her and the exfriend a few weeks ago out dancing and while I thought nothing of it then…hindsight is telling.

My luck in dating has been so ridiculously dismal….zero. It would be nice to meet someone and really grow to like them as a person. Meh. I will take the wait/see method while continuing to keep my options wide open of course. A few of us are going dancing this weekend. I don’t want to jeopardize our professional relationship so I’m not going to put myself out there with him. If he were to express interest, we would have to have a lonnnnng talk about several of the things mentioned here and that I had already thought about.

I don’t want drama, it’s boring and exhausting.

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: Pacific Time Zone
id 8694039
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 9:04 PM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021

Annie, any updates??

posts: 9420   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8697407
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 AnnieOakley (original poster member #13332) posted at 8:09 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

We have gone out dinner/dancing twice now. We meet there, just us for dinner (which he made clear) but he invited another student to join us later. If he asks again I’m going to jokingly ask who the chaperone will be I think!

Affectionate but no kiss. We’ve talked a few times on the phone-an hour plus-no conversation about if either of us are dating, etc.

He has told me more about the ex-she was there both times we were out dancing, no drama. He has talked about his family a lot, we have shared the normal getting to know someone details.

I’m thoroughly confused. Keeping my options open with other possibilities should someone drop from the sky. He is very giving w compliments. I need to be better at that I think.

But I’m not chasing him…if he is interested…he’ll need to let me know. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: Pacific Time Zone
id 8697581
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:51 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

I would advise extreme caution.

Who is the XGF always around anyway?

Something doesn’t pass the smell test with me. Maybe I’ve binged watched too much of The Crown lately. Charles always had Camilla in the background - and Diana knew it. But she married Charles anyway.

And we know how that turned out.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8697678
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 AnnieOakley (original poster member #13332) posted at 2:18 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

@1stwife yes, my walls are extremely high.

The exwgf is in the same venu. Dancing w her new BF, his xfriend. She stays far away, literally almost corner like.

Without going into fine details, he maintains a cordial biz attitude when necessary to be around her in a professional setting-I’ve seen it and know I could not have done it personally myself.

We talked on the phone last night for an hour about a multitude of topics, she is not remotely a main topic nor is she avoided. Sorta like the weather. But I’m watching with wide open eyes. To be determined…but I’m exploring other options if presented. I just have no patience for men that can’t seem to make the equal effort.

I’m done suggesting coffee/wine. Let them ask. Most seem to be just fine messaging endlessly. I won’t even offer to talk first anymore. Interesting social experiment!

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: Pacific Time Zone
id 8697694
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 4:59 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

I'd ask him more about the relationship and how things ended. It sounds like either the ending was mutual and calm OR both are just mature enough not to cause waves while still being in close proximity to each other. There's a big difference between a dramatic break up after 4 years with broken hearts and deciding you're better off friends because the relationship dragged on for 2 years longer than it should.

For your own sake - make a decision and stick with it. This going out with him but not progressing farther is sending mixed messages. Either you're interested and want to go farther or you don't in which case stop accepting his invites and politely turn him down. He doesn't need to let you know - he has done that but he's confused because he's getting a hot/cold vibe from you. That's why he joked about the chaperone because you're accepting these invitations but then it sounds like you're acting weary and off put by him. Sounds like he knows that you're hesitating. If he's no longer inviting you out or initiating, that may be why. Who wants to go on a date with someone who looks uncomfortable and unsure of the situation? Who wants to keep pursuing someone who doesn't act like they like them all that much? Why should he make more of an effort when it doesn't lead anywhere? Interestingly enough, a dating partner who ignores your discomfort and pesters you for more when you act uncomfortable and unsure is a big red flag. If that's what your XWH did, your expectations of healthy, happy new partners may be off and if you're looking for someone to relentlessly pursue you against their better judgement, you may find yourself with another selfish partner in the future.

It would be better for you to be all in or all out otherwise he'll probably make that decision for you and move on to someone who wants to be all in. This sounds like a great set up for things to awkwardly fizzle out which is fine if that's what you want. If not, you may want to re-think what you're doing.

posts: 5065   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8697730
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 AnnieOakley (original poster member #13332) posted at 8:06 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

@neko

I know exactly how the relationship ended, as I mentioned above. She cheated at the very least EA with an ex friend and 10+ yr biz acquaintance of his. He ended it.

He has made no comments about a chaperone, but has invited others to join us after dinner for dancing. I was thinking about joking about the chaperone-to see if we could just be the two of us without others as a group sort of thing.

I never said I was uncomfortable, just confused. Laughing, dancing cheek to cheek, close contact all night, not hesitate to put my hand on his leg for a moment, intense eye contact….does that sound cold?

And respectfully, pls don’t bring my xwh into this…I asked him out.

I don’t expect to be chased endlessly, but I don’t do well with hints or something "like we should hang out someday"….absolutely, when? Great, LMK! Love to, my schedule is…blah. I’ve said those exact things in OLD. Radio fucking silence.

When he has asked me out on a "date" I’ve been genuinely interested and know I responded as such.

I don’t want to assume anything and make us both uncomfortable. I have patience.

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: Pacific Time Zone
id 8697758
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