SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

I dont want to get into my whole story just looking for support and advice. I'd been married once before in my 20s, ended due to him cheating and then I spent 10 years being single, building a life, career, etc. I lived in NYC and it was fabulous, but I also spent years being single and dating was so so so hard (and I think I'm a catch! lol) but it was hard being so alone. I wanted a relationship, a family, etc.

I moved to Texas a couple years ago, met my partner, we had a baby and I was so happy. Learned about an EA and we've been trying to R. He seems remorseful, is being transparent, etc. but I still think there's some lying going on and we're struggling. I dont know if I should throw the towel in or not. On one hand, I know what I want and deserve, sometimes it doesn't feel worth it. Am I just repeating the same crazy train.. on the other, sometimes it's the devil you know. He's working on stuff, a good dad and we have a very young child together that I'd like us to raise together.

The obvious is also financially it's easier ot stay together. Though that's not the only reason.

I know what it's like to be single and alone for so long. I dont want to go back to being single again for another 10 plus years or forever. Maybe it's different dating in Texas, but now I'm almost 40 with a baby.. and I want another child someday. This could be it ya know? I don't want to start over, I don't want to be a single mom.. I'm just frustrated. I dont know what to do anymore and I'm all jumbled up. Being a new mom is wonderful but also isolating, I know what my life may look like on my own and I dont want that.

How did you get to that place? I know no one has a crystal ball. I guess I'm just looking to vent and for advice.

You need to do what makes you happy. Ask yourself if you're willing to settle in order to not be alone. If that's the real reason you want to stay with him then it's not healthy for you. You must have boundaries, a level of comfort emotionally and you don't need a project to sort out.

If you feel something feels off, then trust your gut. I had my last child when I was 39 and it wasn't easy. I had the wisdom, but not the same level of strength and endurance. I was older than most other moms. I was raising children when other people were finished having kids, and their kids were graduating. I don't regret it, but if I had to do it over again, I might have chosen to not have another so late in life.

It's a hole in your soul you're trying to feed. You want another child but ask yourself if you feel you could do it alone if things don't work out. In that situation you'll be potentially raising two children by yourself, which will be even more isolating. Children are a blessing, and wonderful, but if you have any strife in your current situation, or any hesitation I wouldn't add a baby to the mix. Children rarely add closeness to a relationship that's already fractured or strained. In many instances it pushes it over the edge.

Trust yourself. Think it through carefully. Being single is better than being together and miserable or not being able to trust your partner. Only you can see the path you need to take. The rest of us are just giving advise that we don't have to live by. We don't wake up in your shoes, we don't see when you're happy or when you're sad. Nothing in life is harder than figuring out this stuff. Each path has it's ups and downs, and only you can walk it.

I wish you the wisdom to make smart choices that you'll be happy with, and hope you have no regrets over any choices you make. I wish you happiness.

[This message edited by Muggle at 5:41 AM, Thursday, October 28th]

I’d say run, and watch him from afar, to see if he stays in therapy, is good to your son when he’s not trying to keep you.

This is why: I was you in 1997. New baby H was def up to something. I stayed for the reasons you listed. Had baby 2. Then H got really into what I still don’t know exactly, but he was waaay to friendly with random women and was secretive, times he was supposed to be at work but wasn’t.. Then he started an affair with a mom at our child’s events-his friends wife.

I laid the hammer down and D him. I was watching from afar to see if his "working on himself", therapy, etc was genuine. It wasn’t. He married OW his friends wife and ruined their family, too.

Main point here: my poor kids!!! They loved their dad. We had activities, lake house, etc. it was all ripped from their life. My oldest would have been better from day one building a SECURE life with just me and my family male relatives, visiting his dad.

Someone on SI when I first joined, said she separated from her WS for a year b4 she considered going back-which she did bc he followed thru with his therapy, child rearing, no drama etc.

Just my humble opinion.... people screwed up enough for an EA, need LOTS of therapy.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:39 AM, Friday, October 29th]

I wouldn't ever stay in a relationship because "what if I don't find someone else". I honestly think that shouldn't even be a consideration when evaluating a current relationship. Your marriage stands or falls on it's own. You hopefully still have at least half your life left to live. If you think about it, this is pretty early in your life to just give up and settle. And how happy can one be in a "well, at least I'm not alone" relationship? That sounds very lonely to me. You can't predict who you'll meet in the future. It's amazing how much can change in a short period of time. But if we're playing the "what if" game, what if you could have a truly loving relationship without infidelity in the future but you toss that potential aside because you hope a cheater will be good enough to stay with? I have yet to ever hear anyone say that they regret divorce or break-up after infidelity. Not once. Not even when they didn't initially want the relationship to end. It really is better to be single than to be in many kinds of relationships. Those who cheat early on, btw, tend to cheat more later down the road. Cheating in the beginning is crazy to me. That's when everything is still new and beautiful. Plus, this man is still not being honest with you. Staying with him right now sounds like living a life full of suspicion and worry. Is that really better than being single?

I was a single mom most of the time my kids were growing up and yes, it is hard. Something few people talk about is how rewarding it is, though. The bond you create as a single mom is something truly special. I didn't plan to raise them mostly on my own, few people do, but it's most definitely not something I regret now. It's FAR preferable to being in a subpar relationship with the other parent. Unhappy relationships affect your parenting greatly. I get that you want an intact family. If you shift your perspective a bit though, you and your baby are an intact family. My two children and I are an intact family and always have been. Lots of us don't get that Hallmark channel mom, dad, two kids, big house, etc. Lots of people who have that on the surface aren't actually happy either.

I got to the place of divorcing my kids' dad when I realized that if I was in an unhappy marriage, I would not be a good mom. I got to the place of divorcing my XWH because I already had years of taking care of myself without a partner and I'd be damned if I'd settle for a man who would cheat on me. I would so much rather be single forever than that. I like my own company just fine. I arrange my life in ways that make me happy. My home is full of peace and that is more important to me than any potential partner. At this point I'd need to meet someone pretty amazing to have me even considering complicating my life with him. The goal is no longer having a partner. My goal is to have a life that I like. It may not ultimately involve a partner and that's okay. And who knows? It might. I might meet an amazing person and have that beautiful love story. If I weren't single, I certainly wouldn't be available for that possibility, would I?

I don’t have any advice to offer as I am struggling myself. But I wanted to let you know that I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I empathize and feel your agonizing pain. What you are going through is incredibly soul searingly painful. I hope you find strength and clarity to make a decision that is best for you and your child. People say we are stronger than we think. Let’s prove them right. God bless you and watch over you.