Don't focus on this:
letting go of the outcome is terrifying
The unknown is always terrifying.
Instead, put your focus on this:
all I want to do is be worthy if that makes sense and rebuild my family.
It makes absolute sense.
Like I mentioned in my first post, you have taken the first (and extremely difficult) step, which is to start being empathic to your BS. If you are truly remorseful, this is one of a few essential ingredients to have a chance at a successful R.
You seem to have self-awareness, and that is also a good thing. To be able to look at yourself, and analyze. However good you are at self-analysis, it would be advisable to do what your BS is asking for, to see a IC for yourself. They could bring further insights to your behaviour.
The other incredibly important ingredient to a chance at a successful R, is Trust. This is going to be even more difficult, as trust is s finicky thing. It can be the strongest thing on Earth, but once broken, it is incredibly hard to repair. For the repair, it cannot be a one-sided thing. You broke it, you are trying to fix it, but no matter how hard you try, if your BS is not willing to let it be fixed, you will never be able to get Trust back.
I would think that you already know this inside, and if you are as self-aware as I think you are (judging only from what you have posted so far), you probably know what steps you will need to take to earn a chance at R.
You might be wondering why I keep writing 'chance at R', rather than just 'R'. Well, nobody is entitled to R. What a WS needs to remember, is that all their efforts are to try and earn a chance at R.
R is also not a guarantee that it will hold, so the effort must be sustained, as R is an ongoing process. It is not a process that is based on ticking off boxes, and that is the end of it. The effort/actions must be consistent and sustained. With that, a tipping point could be reached, and then the efforts (not the awareness) can be dialed down a bit, but this can take years to get to that tipping point.
An analogy would be:
You are in a leaky boat (the M), in the middle of a lake. In the boat you have a small bucket.
You have a few choices now;
1. Just jump out and save yourself. The boat can sink for all you care.
2. Sit and stare (i.e. do nothing) and go down with the boat.
3. Use the bucket to bail the water leaking into the boat, and try and take to boat to the pier.
If you chose Option 3, you will slow down the sinking rate, which gives you a chance at reaching the pier.
If you stop, the boat starts sinking again, and you will never make it to the pier.
So, you have to keep bailing, whilst juggling the rowing. It will be extremely tough, but it will depend on how much you want to keep the boat from sinking.
It may sink in the end, as the leaks are too large, or some other factors come into play, but if you do not make the effort, the sinking will be a surety.