The Counselor says I can't affair proof him, and so we're trying to work on trust.
How does your counselor manage trust rebuilding? This is critical to your recovery and potential for R. If the counselor treats trust as something that you just give, that your husband doesn't have to earn, then you are in for a world of hurt. He is a proven liar and cheater. You shouldn't trust him. It would be irresponsible of you to trust him. What is he expected to do by the counselor to earn your trust?
Ok, so marriage police, marriage warden, whatever, you pick the title. I think that it's a natural part of the process, but not something you can do forever.
1) You have to do it during recovery and the beginning of R, or else you cannot rebuild trust. At the beginning you have to treat the WS as an enemy in an informational war with you. It's up to them to make you feel like they are a partner, not someone that is still lying to you and cheating on you.
2) You eventually should *naturally* feel less of a pull to keep looking. It's not worth it because every time you do check in detail, the the details match up. Your WS has been honest, you checking only proves they have been honest. You should start to feel that it is a waste of effort.
3) If you don't get to the second point, you can't keep being the marriage police forever. They have failed recovery and cannot enter R. You must end the M to get out of infidelity.
Yes, being the marriage police isn't sustainable. But that doesn't mean it isn't completely necessary for some period of time to re-establish trust.
They say they will do X, they do X, you look, they did X. A measure of trust is added to the bucket. Do this hundreds of times and trust slow returns. There is no other way.
In your case, he says he will do X, he does Y, you look, he did Y. Not only did trust not enter the bucket, he has takes some out. He treats the whole thing like it shouldn't matter and you should just trust him already. Hell no. He is actively setting recovery back with a lie when he had an opportunity to build trust.
Ask him, "Do you want me to ever trust you again? How do you propose rebuilding trust? You shattered my trust, and I do not trust you right now. You are a proven liar and cheater. That's where we are, and that doesn't improve on it's own."
Edit to add: I wrote this without reading ChamomileTea's response and realize we have made a lot of the same points. Consider the consistency between our advice evidence of what is needed to rebuild trust.
[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:17 PM, Wednesday, October 13th]