SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Accidentally posted in Just Found Out. Reposting here sorry.

I happened upon a post about cheating in one of my FB groups this morning. I don’t know what made me go on ahead and read all the comments but it did. As expected 99% were "leave, once a cheater always a cheater etc.." The post got to my head and I started thinking "does this man who destroyed my entire being really deserve me???" I went back through all the ways he’s shown remorse, he’s definitely not "perfect" but I had been feeling he’s put in major work to regain my trust. What if it’s all a lie and I’m just a fool? We are nearly 4 years out and it’s affair season now but I still wonder, are all those people right? Did I make the wrong choice? In my heart I don’t think I did but seeing people say "run, they don’t change" really shook me up this morning.

I think that a good percentage of the people who say that have never experienced infidelity themselves. I used to say that I would leave my husband in a heartbeat if he cheated on me, and then it happened and I didn't. You just don't know until you're wearing the shoes yourself.

My husband was a serial cheater, then DDay happened, MC happened, and he's become a terrific, trustworthy partner. Everyone's story is different. Trust your gut.

I was full of those same ideals - and had no problem saying them. Until it happened to me.

When people say once a cheater always a cheater then they are trying to paint everybody with the same brush. There are people who are so bad that you don’t need to be married to them. There other people who just fell in love with a coworker, and didn’t mean to hurt their spouse, it just happened. And there are others who have a short affair, realize it’s wrong, and beg for forgiveness, and never cheat again. That’s just a handful of how many different personalities there are in the cheating house. You have to look at what your husband is like overall. Is he generous to you, and others? Is he humble in his recovery? Does he cheat in other ways? Does he treat you with respect? Look at your life realistically. Are you generally happy you married him? Lots to answer.

I caught my 1st H cheating...did the "pick me dance"...and we went to R. Then I caught him again almost 2 years later with a different adultery co-conspirator. I KNEW that "once a cheater always a cheater" was correct because it happened to me. That is why I immediately told my 2nd H that the M was over as soon as he confessed. I was NOT going to put myself through that again!! Yet here I am...over 7 years after that Dday...happily in R .

All of your questions and doubts are valid. But so are your observations about your H . In the end...YOU are the only one who can decide what is best...for YOU. I have NEVER regretted going for D with my 1st H...or going for R with my 2nd H . As long as you are at PEACE with your decision...and your gut is CALM...you will then know you made the right one .

[Moved my post from JFO, in case that thread gets locked].

IMO and IME, before you rebuild the marriage you have to rebuild the cheating spouse. Or at least, do this simultaneously. Cheating is about the cheater. They need an overhaul. Make sure they get it.

I think most people are capable of cheating but avoid it by one means or another. I think that prior to experiencing infidelity most people don't really understand what goes in to the breakdown of boundaries or how they need to be built.

The idea of "once a cheater always a cheater" is founded on the idea that the boundary has been appropriately set somehow. Yet, if you ask ten different people that use this phrase "what is cheating?" I bet you find the line drawn all over the place. You aren't going to get something tight succinct and consistent like, "Any sexual or romantic relationship that you keep secret from your SO". Because most people are still focused on a specific act. "kissing is cheating" "hugging isn't cheating" "talking to your friend isn't generally cheating" "talking about wanting to have sex is cheating". And with all this focus on whether or not a specific action is cheating, well, that's how they find themselves on a ramp to cheating when they never thought they would.

leave, once a cheater always a cheater etc.."

I get quite annoyed at characterizations such as this one. It's like others have mentioned, this lumps all cheaters into one slot. And we all know that ex-cheaters are individuals, each with their own particular set of commitments to their spouses.

My husband WAS an emotional and physical cheater. He is NOT a cheater today. That is to say, I know now, how capable he is of lying and deceiving. But that is one facet of him...the tarnished, ugly facet. The other facets are shiny and good with commitment, love, and family.

I believe that to "change" simply means showing by actions and words our good facets..and that a person, whether an ex BS or ExWS, has multiple facets that define how they choose to live with one another. The good, the bad and the ugly...pardon the movie allegory.

Let what other people say be like water under the bridge. What matters is what you see, feel, hear and talk about in your family.

It's uplifting that you are both nearly 4 years out!

I think that a good percentage of the people who say that have never experienced infidelity themselves.

I think this is right. It is not a simple matter of just walking away. People who have never been faced with the reality of it tend to be cavalier about the reality of divorce, splitting custody, the long term real impact on children and more.

People who have never been faced with the reality of it tend to be cavalier about the reality of divorce, splitting custody, the long term real impact on children and more.

Agreed. It’s easy to be hard-line black and white when it’s another person’s problem. In fairness, I probably would have said something similar pre-D-day. The reality is that most of us have no idea what we will do in a given situation until we’re actually in it. As with most of life’s difficult situations, a response that can be summed up in one sentence is probably overly simplistic and incomplete.

To the OP - I feel you! Stuff used to bother me early on, as it felt like a harsh judgment of my choice to R (at a time when I was not myself confident in my own choice). With time and healing, it’s easier to to brush it off as what it typically is -uninformed.