SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. I’m sure you will see I just joined today. This happened 2 days ago and I’m feeling awful….

My husband and I have been married for a year. We have no children together, however I have a step child who is 9, whom we have full custody of. Since day one I have felt stressed out over being a step parent and my step daughter has a lot of trauma/behavioral issues. These issues the child has has started to bleed into our marriage, as I’ve begged my husband to get her counseling since she does not respect me and has a lot of anger due to her mother not being in the picture. (She has been in and out of jail for step daughters whole life, using drugs, etc). He will not do it. I’ve offered to take her and pay myself and he said no. I have given up.

Within the last 3 months things have gone really down hill and my husband has put so much strain on me/my role as a step parent. He has also become more comfortable siding with his child and saying I’m mean to her/need to be better as an adult and her behavior will only get worse as she gets older. I have gone to therapy since February to deal with my stress and anxiety/other issues. Ultimately I have felt so alone emotionally and haven’t received support from my husband. He has also in the last 3 months taken a new job where his work hours are 4pm to 4 am, Monday through Friday - I work full time myself and have to deal with her alone in the evenings. He is never around and I have questioned more how much longer will I be able to handle this. I told him 3 weeks ago he either gets her into counseling or this isn’t going to work. He said he would do what he needed to, but has not done so. I feel sad because he’s my best friend and I don’t want to go through this. But I feel as though I have done literally everything I can to try to help her so we all aren’t miserable - but to no avail.

I reconnected innocently with an old work friend 2 months ago. We have a lot in common and I never disclosed anything to him about my marriage strain until a month after talking. He told me I need to do what makes me happy but that my husband also doesn’t deserve a marriage where his wife is half in and half out. Eventually the conversations became less innocent and well, two days ago I had an affair with him. IMMEDIATELY I regretted it. I have never in my life been a cheater or a liar and here I am. I have not told my husband, as I know he will kick me out of the house and there will be no talking to him. I’m ashamed of what I’ve done; it was not worth it. I go to my therapist on Wednesday but I’m feeling just so completely down and so confused. I don’t have any urge to continue talking with the friend anymore nor do I ever want him. This is completely out of character for me and I feel so remorseful I did this. I don’t know what to do next. Please shed some light on me and this situation.

No stop sign so I'll chime in as a BS.

You've been married for only a year and have already cheated. 2/3d of your opening stresses about your step daughter and not about your infidelity. This is the wayward forum, for you to talk about your cheating. I don't know, and no one else here does either.

I'd say, you're only in 1 yr. That should have been the honeymoon phase of your marriage, but its already failed. He's not listening to you (according to you) about his daughter and the issues you have with her. You, lack boundary and screwed around on him in 1 yr.

I think with such a short time in your marriage and all the issues, why not just call it quits. Its not much different than a short term relationship. This way, you can go and do whatever it is you want. Its obvious he has work to do with his daughter. Maybe the separation will be good for everyone.

No stop sign. (You may wish to add a stop sign to your post if you would like only input from people who have been wayward themselves.)

I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but glad that you found us.

I think it's important that you understand that the affair was not just the sex act. The affair was connecting emotionally and inappropriately with someone outside of your marriage. We call that an EA (emotional affair.) Any contact with another person that you keep secret from your partner is likely an EA.

On this site, we'll advocate for honesty and transparency and invariably tell you that you need to disclose the A (affair) to your partner. Perhaps your C (counselor) can help you formulate a plan for telling him.

The state of the marriage prior to the A may have been a contributing factor in your decision to cheat, but it was ultimately your decision to stray and you need to 100% own that. Other people experience the same sort of thing and react differently. You need to work on why you acted "out of character." I'm sure your C can help with that.

If I was a betting woman, I'd put money on him not kicking you out because he needs you to care for his daughter. But that might not be good for you, because not only will you still be stuck in the same situation, you'll have the added layer of your H's anger and contempt and probably his D's contempt, if she finds out. Separation might actually be less stressful.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 10:06 PM, Monday, October 11th]

My read on this is: you were attracted to him, you built a case in your own mind to justify your actions, you took the action, and are now fearful of the consequences. As a cheater myself, I know all about that. Good luck.

Reading through this I read a lot about the unhappiness with the marriage situation (particularly when it pertains to the daughter). You must understand - you are entitled to all your feelings in regard to that. None of that is justification for an affair (Emotional or Physical - you had both).

Now - you need to be honest with yourself. Is this relationship worth saving [the father & daughter are a package deal and as you learned - most of the rearing of this child will fall on you with little to no support from the father or outside sources]?

What you don't say is if your AP is married or involved with someone. If so - you need to tell the other person. You need to tell your spouse. Right now you are all living a lie.

I hope you make good use of your IC apt. You have a lot to unpack.

I also advise you to contact an attorney and take advantage of a free consultation. You don't have to make any decisions. You should get a clear picture of your life if you decide to separate/divorce.

And if you haven't - get tested for STDs. Even if protection was used - it isn't 100%.

Best of luck to you.

Hello, FullofConfusion. Welcome to SI from a fellow WW.

The first step in finding remorse -- and it's a tough one -- is to stop using the word "but." To quote Game of Thrones, "Everything before the word 'but' is horseshit." We waywards love the word "but." "I know I was wrong, but." It makes the "I know I was wrong" sound like horseshit, because it implies that cheating was in some way justified because of the life circumstances of the cheater. I don't mean that your complaints aren't legitimate grievances in the marriage. What you describe sounds terribly stressful, and it may have justified counseling or separation or divorce. It's just not a mitigating factor for infidelity.

Unfortunately, an offense like cheating deprioritizes most other issues in a marriage for a very long time. If your BH wasn't willing to hear your concerns before you hooked up with your AP, he's unlikely to give those concerns much time or credit now. He may file for divorce as soon as you tell him about your affair. Or he may spend a few years trying to heal and realize that he can't stay married to a woman who betrayed him. Or he may use the A as an excuse to punish you at every opportunity. Meanwhile, those other marital problems won't go away. It's very rare that a BS becomes more receptive or understanding in the aftermath of betrayal. Why should they? Frankly, it wouldn't be healthy for them to do so. The "pick me dance" is an act of shock and fear that doesn't promote true healing.

By now, you're probably thinking, "Gee, thanks, BraveSirRobin. I already knew I fucked up, I already knew I was in deep trouble, and that's why I came here for help. Why would you, a WW, kick me when I'm down? Don't you remember what this was like?"

I do, and that's why I'm saying all this. In the wild phase immediately after betrayal, you are desperate for expedited ways to fix it. To make it unhappen. The same brain that got you into this mess will tell you a thousand lies about how to get out of it. It will tell you that you just have to make your BH understand. "I never would have cheated if I hadn't felt so miserable and unheard. This isn't who I am. I'll never do it again, and I'm so sorry, and can't we please let the past be in the past?"

But this is who you are. Something in you gave yourself permission to cheat, and that capability was unsuspected both by you and by your husband. It's gaslighting to pretend otherwise. He has no reason to believe you will be honest about everything that happened, or that you won't do it again, or that you have never done it before. He can't read your mind. In the best of circumstances, where you confess openly and hide nothing, his entire sense of reality will still be kicked out from under him. It's exponentially bigger than your own panic and disbelief, because you saw the affair developing and made the choice not to stop it. He did not.

Your cheating completely changed the dynamic of your marital problems. Metaphorically, you brought a gun to a fist fight. Your bruises will now need to be triaged while he's bleeding out from a gut wound. You'll need a lot of patience and therapy to develop healthy coping mechanisms as opposed to unhealthy conflict avoidance. It will be a long time, possibly years, before you're independently healed enough to start healing the marriage together.

So here's a question, and I ask it sincerely. Are you sure you want to go for it? Do you have it in you to tolerate not only the pre-existing circumstances of your marriage, but to live with a furious, desperate BS who doesn't trust a word you say? With a stepdaughter who may see the advantage of you being in the one-down? Are you prepared to be honest and supportive even if he's aggressive and dismissive? Because if not, divorce might be the best option. You have to really, really want your marriage in order to do what it takes to have a chance at reconciliation, and even then, it's just a chance. There are no guarantees.

I don't mean you should run away from your problems. You have to face your BH with the full truth -- you owe him that for his own healing -- and you have to get to work on yourself. Even if you decide to end the marriage, you can't be a safe, healthy person in your own life without exploring why you allowed yourself to turn resentments into justifications. That's your internal work, though. If you believe that you can approach this as a "fault on both sides" negotiation, your chances of success are very, very low.

I haven't been around for a few months because my BH and I felt like time away would be good for us (and it has been). The only downside has been my concern about a lack of experienced wayward presence on the site. I can try to help, because I've been there. But it wouldn't be fair to you to pretend: it's likely the hardest thing you'll ever have to do.

I reconnected innocently with an old work friend 2 months ago. We have a lot in common and I never disclosed anything to him about my marriage strain until a month after talking. He told me I need to do what makes me happy but that my husband also doesn’t deserve a marriage where his wife is half in and half out. Eventually the conversations became less innocent and well, two days ago I had an affair with him. IMMEDIATELY I regretted it. I have never in my life been a cheater or a liar and here I am.

This narrative is so passive.

You didn't reconnect innocently. You chose to not tell your husband about talking to this man (my guess) about "shared interests". You decided to continue talking to him in secret, and when you complained to him about your husband you were intentionally opening a door for him to comfort you about it. You thought that you deserved to be happy and that maybe he would make you happy. You continued to lie and escalate your romantic contact with your affair partner, and then you consummated the affair.

You were lying and cheating prior to physically consummating the affair.

The only downside has been my concern about a lack of experienced wayward presence on the site.

I'm so glad that you're here. Excellent advice.

FullOfConfusion50,

I was the wayward spouse. You have not said it but I wonder if your thought process is at all similar to what mine was. If your post is 100% honest then no, but is there more?

I had a great deal of resentment towards my spouse based on behavioral issues of hers that were exacerbated by our having children. I made demands that she change and she did not do so. Rather than end the marriage as I should have I cheated. I told myself that I deserved something that made me happy.

What I should have done was realize that she was never going to change. Honestly is there any real chance that your marriage circumstances are going to change? Even if your husband follows through and arranges counseling for your step daughter, how long will it take for there to be noticeable progress that will reduce your stress? If he were to get a job that put him home more often (working less than 60 hours) is it likely that an additional stressor of financial issues would be added?

The circumstances surrounded your decision to cheat are unlikely to change. Don't cop out, it didn't just happen, you knowingly got close to your affair partner and deliberately placed yourself in a location where you would have time and opportunity to have sex with him. If you have not found a way to handle your step-daughter's acting out how are you going to handle your acting out and requiring counseling AND hers?

At this stage of the marriage divorce looks like path that is best for your husband and yourself.

[This message edited by AvoidanceIssues at 6:04 AM, Wednesday, October 13th]

Without absolving you of any accountability for deciding to have an affair.

This "friend" - really redefine how you use that term.
It seems like a really quick transmission from reconnecting, chatting and then infidelity.
Look into how you reconnected. Who initiated? Is the friend married or in a relationship and if so did he discuss it in any way and/or was the spouse aware of your conversations?
Who initiated the actual physical infidelity? Who invited whom to where? His place? Random car parked in the woods? Who set up the situation?
Was there any talk of the future or carrying this relationship forwards once you/he were free to do so?

I have to say that if this is the typical male/female relationship pattern where the male sort-of initiates or presses then this "friend" was simply casting out his line and you bit the worm. If anything this might indicate a vournerability you need addressing.

No – I am not letting you off the hook. A key element in infidelity recovery is acknowledging that at some point you crossed a line willingly and that you are accountable for that.

OK – IMHO a marriage can survive anything other than major lies and untruths. IMHO it’s inevitable that your husband learns of what happened. I also think you two need some serious help in defining your marriage and how it might develop. It’s clear based on what you share that it’s you and husband, husband and child rather than two parents and a child as a family unit. Even without the infidelity the merging of a family where a child experiences an intruder coming between it and the parent is a difficult transition. Professional help could do A LOT to help there.