Newest Member: AcesEights

New Beginnings :
Where to start finding some hope

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 Notagain1 (original poster new member #78464) posted at 12:15 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Married September 14, 1990
Dday March 6, 2021
Seperated March 6, 2021
Divorced September 16, 2021

Deep down I know things get better, but somedays I am so overwhelmed by what my next stop in life should be and by the fact exh has been living his next step since March that I cant see through the negative. I dont even know who I am to he honest. What were somethings that helped you move forward and find yourself.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2021
id 8692495
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 4:01 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Did IC with a trauma specialist to help work through the grief. Started doing things I wanted to do. Part of it is time.

I'm almost 60, and we were almost at the place we had planned to be at this time in our lives.

I thought I was too old to start over. But you know what? I've got plenty of time to enjoy the rest of my life. I can do what I want without the albatross of my XH dragging me down.

It's taking me awhile to get past some things, like not wanting to go to my favorite vacation spots. For the day to day life, I'm realizing that I'm happier now more than I have been in a long, long time.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 689   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8692514
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:49 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I relate to not knowing who I was.
My identity seemed to disappear overnight, and I didn’t want to make "victim" or "BS my identity.

So I leaned into that as my goal in IC: Who am I? Now I didn’t end up with some tidy answer that can be used in a dating profile, but I did re-discover my kindness, my competence, my humor (that was slow coming back but it is back!), my compassion and empathy for others, my goofy side. It has been the best thing I’ve done for myself and I wish I had done this in my 20s or 30s. But I am there now, so all good.

Try new things. Try old things you used to love. Say yes — just to expand what you are open to. Remember as a kid how you try soccer and ballet and piano and figure out which are the ones for you? We’re doing that now— there is no failure, just recognizing what stirs your curiosity or joy with an open mind. Also, when you have a moment of love or joy- no matter how brief - stop and recognize it and acknowledge it. You will find more than you think and it will help you keep building on seeing the positive through the negative. (The negative is there — it takes a while to get through it, but there IS positive in there too). The sunsets, the joy of a puppy running, a perfect flower…. Those little moments are there.

And remember that you WILL get through this. You are getting better: slowly, maybe, but absolutely surely.

As we approach the end of Daylight Saving Time, maybe it helps to think of it like that. You don’t necessarily realize the change in daylight day by day, but they are changing. And even though December seems dark, suddenly it’s May and the days are so so long. Trust the process.

(((Hugs)))

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4273   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8692538
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 8:48 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Life does get better, but dont fall into the trap if comparing your progress against your old life. You are on a whole different journey. Unless you are comparing it to how much better it is.

For me, I did IHS with a nesting arrangement for one year and then moved to my own place. It was agony having to switch each week, as I had to cleanse the house of my STBXWW'S spore...

When I got my own place, I bought a mug emblazoned with the word PEACE on it. It reminds me every day, that regardless if how difficult I find life, I am at peace. No longer do I wake up in my old life and the hell it was.

I've tried OLD, but with no luck. Been on dates, but I just cant feel anything, so I pulled the plug on that idea. I've decided to try new things for me now. I've picked up some passion projects and once the pandemic is over, I will step out more.

Find things you like to do. Get out and explore things. Make a commitment to try something new each week. Take pictures and start a memory wall, tracking your new journey in all its its awesomeness. That way, when you feel blue, as I regularly do, you can look at it and take comfort in the fact that you may be experiencing the feeling of sadness, but you are not sad. It is temporary and does not define you.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1132   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8692564
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Fablegirl ( member #56784) posted at 3:07 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Dear Notagain1
Your trauma was pretty recent so please give it time. I promise things get better and will share a bit of what helped my arc of healing.

First, I did a little OLD, which worked out pretty well but I found I was in no mental shape to have any kind of relationship. However, I mention this only because sometimes it did help to get dressed up and go somewhere and met someone for coffee or a drink. Admittedly, I was in sore need of validation and found it -- don't recommend this for everyone though.

I also created a playlist of songs that helped me get through rough spots. I would put on my headphones and walk or run -- each playlist had a theme -- resilience, reckoning. The music helps re-wire the worry and anxiety brain -- not to distract you from it, because it's important to lean into those emotions, but to help you push through it. I also unearthed music from decades past -- the 1990s, 1980s, and remembered a bit of you I used to be. Also, keep moving, exercise, walking, lifting weight. Somehow the weird stuff gets manageable when you are moving.

I also did some travel, took road trips and traveled by air to different spots before the world shut down. The road trips are easier in a pandemic and there are so many cool towns I explored. One of my best days of healing was when I flew to Gig Harbor in Washington state and stayed in an airbnb. I read and slept for 14 hours one day. I was emotionally exhausted.

I struggled a bit to find my passion for hobbies I have been pursuing since a kid after my divorce, so took a bit of a sabbatical from them. I didn't know myself anymore because my identity was largely from my marriage and our lifestyle. In the meantime, I tried to discover new things -- took Italian lessons through Skype, planned a trip to Italy which was cancelled due to the pandemic, now taking a writing class. When I was ready again I took up my old hobbies and am finding my passion for them coming back. It just took time -- time is your warrior.

It might seem like xWH is living his next step but I found that cheaters deflect and avoid their guilt and shame and compartmentalize. It's easy to think they are doing better but try not to compare your lives. Infidelity is the language of the emotionally stunted. I can't imagine that your XWH has any more emotional insight than my XHW. HE's still with OW and so diminished by what he's done. 4 or 5 years ago you will feel joy and what has happened won't rent so much space in your head.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2017   ·   location: Mid Atlantic
id 8692603
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:08 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

I like to challenge myself.

I once spent a year only buying necessities. Even ice cream was a luxury.

I spent another year not eating anything with added sugar. Solid 12 months!

This past year I started my own business. My second one. So far I am doing ok and pick up new clients each week.

This motivates me! I like a challenge.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:10 AM, Monday, October 11th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8692616
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 12:51 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Hi Notagain1,

I am past 2 years of my big DDay and over a year past my WH passing away and 3 years since we were told he was terminal. I am coming up to my mid-fifties.

If you had asked me five years ago if I thought this would have been my life, I never would have believed it. I thought my life was fairly planned out…when I look back now I realize that without even knowing it, I was settling. Sunk cost. I was happy day to day…but it was missing something and deep down I knew it.

My WH affairs and subsequent Ddays made me realize that, in hindsight, what I was missing was our connection. He had checked out of our marriage and "forgot" to tell me. I had blamed myself for the disconnect when in fact it was always him.

I do have grief….I lost a husband, marriage and my kids lost their dad. Keep in grief and healing is not linear…it ebbs and flows. And all of it is okay…sit with it, feel it…know it will eventually pass and you will find joy again.

I now cherish this opportunity I have been given. Don’t get me wrong, the past 3 years for me have been full of trauma and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But like others, I am finding joy in my new freedom. I answer only to myself, my decisions are mine and mine alone. My kids and I are closer than ever. My friends are a gift. I get a second chance and it’s freeing.

I make a point of never turning down an invitation to do something with my friends…even if I don’t feel like it. I have reached out to volunteer at a local animal shelter. I make a point to doing something just for me…each day. Even if it’s just a walk in the sunshine.

I do have moments of missing companionship. Not that there is void but I just want someone to share some time with. I have just started OLD…it’s not ideal…frankly a lot of work if you ask me. I guess I am not a person to juggle more that one relationship at the same time…it’s not in my DNA.

You got this…sending you strength.

Me - BS Him -WS (passed away) DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017DDay4 - found out about LTA with ex-wife

posts: 525   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8692625
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:13 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

I started trying new things and making new friends. New food and places to go and see. Started going on hikes I've never been on. Going to places with my kids that we have all never done before. It's sort of like a transformation and it takes time to rediscover the things you love or new things that bring you joy and curiosity. I started yoga and walking to lose weight.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8080   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8692660
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