Newest Member: Butterfly19

General :
I feel oddly … okay? Happy?

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 C599 (original poster new member #79469) posted at 7:12 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

So, it’s an somewhat complicated story of our relationship. We met by chance over 6 years ago and just madly fell in love. I was 20, her 18. I could never imagine a more open and honest relationship. It truly still does feel like we are meant to be together, I’ll explain that later.

Early on I noticed an anger and control issue. It wasn’t quite obvious to me as it was to others, as I fell into the vicious cycle of manipulation. Through the years this got worse ten-fold. It turned from emotional abuse to physical before year two. Once it started getting severe I couldn’t handle it and we began arguing over what reality was. Her anger was never over anything tangible or real, just a hatred of me, if that makes sense. She had a very emotional and physically abusive childhood, and her mother was prominently unfaithful, despite them still being together now. Awhile spent living with her grandmother. Same subtle manipulation she displays from her mother, and much of her family.

We welcomed our first beautiful child in year three. After that, things continued to get worse. I would be ignored for months on end, with brief intermission of everything is normal. Then, she started babysitting for this man whom she met through her last babysitting job. That’s when she started to throw in that she absolutely despises me (screaming, terror tactics, etc), and that we’re separated. All the while maintaining an attitude that we aren’t.

That’s the point she throws in for about a month that she’s talking to him. He’s mid-30s military. I met him once. Nice man, not the most handsome looking and suffered from heavy alcoholism. Didn’t really seem logical but I did believe it to an extent. She changes her mind I guess after what I assume him not being so great. Currently, I think they were chatting all the time but nothing sexual.

After that, she said she was lying the whole time, it was a joke. Not a very funny joke.

So, I carried along wanting to believe that but had mistrust, and she would be outraged to want to discuss it. I was always very open.

Time goes on and we welcome our second child. At this point, before and after the pregnancy things a going great, relatively. We’re happy, quality time, date nights, good place to live. Then, fate has it she goes from other work back to babysitting and starts working for a divorced couple. This man is 45+, alcoholic, but overall decent I suppose. Never met him.

Again, she starts phasing in that we’re not together anymore and done forever. Then for about two months says she’s going to hang out with him with our kids. She starts lying often and saying she’s doing other things. But the kids are always with her.

After that she all of a sudden is back with me. But starting a whole starting from scratch kind of thing. At first saying yes they did have sex, etc. But then in the same conversation at dinner says she was just lying again to trick me. I do honestly believe they did, as she put it she was very drunk and it was a short lived session. I don’t believe that at all. When your bathroom smells like sex of your partner, but not with you, it’s obvious.

So, again mentally I really shoved it down deep but since had strong mistrust. Life continues and I start working as a truck driver. She is excited of the income. Also that with me not there during the week she doesn’t worry about yelling at me.

This is now within the past year and things are going great. Awesome times, taking our kids out on weekends, no money stress. But still she didn’t seem to be satisfied.

Now, we come to the past two weeks. Everything great, then all of a sudden two weekends ago she just seems off and gives me that vibe of the past, but it doesn’t seem alarming. Then Tuesday hits and while I’m on the road tells me sort of tells me we’re done, but it seemed half-hearted and I sort of got alarms. We’re still talking normally briefly but says she’s busy (which she was). She doesn’t really mention it but once again Thursday, again in a halfhearted sense. I start to see her best friends boyfriend around a lot on our outdoor security camera. She brings him with her and our kids when she visits her parents, his mother lives in the same town.

Now, with these two alarms are going off. I see her briefly on Sunday before I leave and she’s in we’re done mode. But, not quite? Then, that week (last week) he is around everyday and she’s full on done mode. She talks like she had in the past about paying child support, seeing the kids, etc. When she does reach out to FaceTime, he’s obviously at the house. Then progresses during the week that he’s staying one night. Then that he’s staying every night. Since Sunday, that she’s developing this relationship. Well, seems fast don’t it.

And this man is 38. He lived with his mom before moving to her best friend. Now her. This man exudes lies in the form of kindness. He seems far from desirable but is really nice and I’ve been around him a lot. He’s currently a landscaper employee. If you caught, her best friends boyfriend, now ex? But everything is fine with that I guess. Everything I believe and feel points to this all being true. No matter how illogical is sounds.

So, brings me to now. I’m glad to have found this community. I can’t say that I’m upset over this, though. The only struggle I had at first was with the kids but even then I can’t stress over it. I honestly believe, not for my benefit, this is another cycle of her abuse and infidelity … rather extreme.

All the while, the struggle I’ve had for years trying to escape and reconcile the abuse finally feels over. I’m happy. I do miss her and what this means for our family but overall I haven’t felt clear-minded or social in a long time.

I do wonder what the future holds. In part of my heart, I feel like we may come back together. At a point where the cycle of abuse may break for her. She is a very intelligent woman and I love her dearly. I hold no judgements against her. At the same time, I am completely happy none of that happening and feel the cycle might not break.

And I must point out my flaws in the relationship. I feel like I was not the strong man she needed, but continuing to live in constant judgement, hatred, and downing I felt like I could never breathe who I truly am. I became unsociable, but always tried my hardest to since I love socializing, despite being introverted. I was in counseling for a year in the middle of all this because I was shutting down.

I can’t explain, but I’m sure people understand, the emotions 24/7 and the uncountable nights crying alone and praying.

But, to summarize a hectic display of thoughts, I truly am happy wherever this goes. I don’t know where it will, or what is actually real. Nothing here makes much logical sense, but neither did the abuse.

I feel happy for once in over 5 years. In my heart, I feel we won’t be back together. But, part feels we may. I’m not sure which I am happier with, to be honest. I feel such vigor and happiness that I don’t think I will have with being with her again. But, I believe bad habits in people can change. There is more than I could ever explain in loving her. I don’t feel like I should give up.

Thanks for reading! It was a mess, I hope it made sense.

[This message edited by C599 at 7:38 AM, Saturday, October 9th]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2021
id 8692348
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 7:27 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

It makes perfect sense smile .

First off...welcome to the BEST club you NEVER wanted to be in!

When you KNOW that your GUT was right all along...despite the lies and manipulation...you have a sense of relief.

YOU weren't crazy. NONE of this was because of anything YOU did. You now KNOW. Knowledge is POWER...and you have your power back grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5612   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8692350
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 C599 (original poster new member #79469) posted at 7:33 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Thank you. I didn’t know how much I needed that. This is all very clear within my family but we’ve never experienced something like this before. I know the facts but struggle to know what’s real anymore.

[This message edited by C599 at 7:47 AM, Saturday, October 9th]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2021
id 8692351
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:29 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

A couple of things stand out.

First, I agree with Want2. It makes sense to me to be happy about being out of a cycle of abuse.

Second, at the same time, I'm concerned that you are not really out of abuse. Rather, your W is no longer abusing you, because she's into another guy (who sounds even more open to abuse than you are). It looks like you're open to getting more abuse, if your W decides she'd rather have you around than the other guy.

So, whatever you do, I hope you work on yourself to stop accepting abuse. I know it's hard to work with an IC if you're an OTR trucker, but with so many remote facilities available, working with an IC is easier now than ever - if you can find a good IC. So I recommend finding one to help you recognize you do not deserve to be abused.

You're loving, lovable, and capable. You should be nurtured and not abused. A good IC can help you realize that and put nurturing into practice.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26130   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8692368
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 C599 (original poster new member #79469) posted at 3:49 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

That hit an important note I haven’t gave enough consideration to. I am in the process, but I agree it is feeling like a challenge. I will look into counseling soon, wholeheartedly, thank you.

I really don’t know what this guy’s game plan is. I didn’t expound on it much but I did mention he’s a liar. He is nice, but in the mission to use people. Definitely feels fake and not lasting. But, I try not to make implications.

You’re right though. I am struggling with that internally. I know I have value and I’m feeling strong … but broken and I lose strength. It comes and goes, and I do have solid support from my family. I’m far from what I want to be.

I noticed in your signature about boundaries. There is a book on boundaries I want to read now I have the will to.

To mention. I have cut all ties as much as I can to the household. I have no idea what happens except for our children.

Thanks

[This message edited by C599 at 3:57 PM, Saturday, October 9th]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2021
id 8692370
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:15 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I’m sorry you find yourself here. It’s seems you are ready to break a very abusive and toxic cycle you have been on. She leaves for a guy and it doesn’t take long for him to dump her, she then returns to you and you take her back, wash, rinse, repeat.

She needs serious professional help, you cannot fix her, time to put your foot down and take control of this. Best Wishes to you.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 750   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8692372
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 C599 (original poster new member #79469) posted at 2:02 AM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

Well, I fell for it for the last time. Been doing a ton of research on codependency thanks to your suggestions and was feeling prepared.

She has to come over for something, starts crying saying she misses me. I believe a part of it might be genuine. I maintain my stance but we still exchange some powerful emotions and touch.

After, I’m just in that headspace stuck in the cycle. Believing part of it was genuine. There’s no damn way. There’s no way this was a "special" moment.

There’s no way she’s feeling a THAT bad.

Look at this crap, she has another dude in my house. I’m stupid.

[This message edited by C599 at 2:06 AM, Tuesday, October 12th]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2021
id 8692727
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 3:08 AM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

Let her be a problem for others.

Don't put her on a pedestal, see the truth. She is not in love with you. She abuses and cheats on you every chance she gets.

No one changes their bad habit, which is tolerated. She never faced the consequences of her actions, you accepted her every time she came back, so why would she give up on what she is doing?

She doesn't come back to you because there is something special between you and she misses you. She only comes back temporarily when her relationship with others fails, you are her backup plan.

Don't contact her except the issues related to children through text. Detach yourself from her and live your own life, with someone who deserves you if possible of course.

Sorry if it's a little harsh. But it's time to go from the dream world to the real world.

Best wishes.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8692734
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 C599 (original poster new member #79469) posted at 4:03 AM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

No, it doesn’t sound harsh at all. I’m just struggling with this since it is apparent she is hurting by the way she is acting. I don’t want to throw out everything because she needs help, for which she needs to seek on her own.

But, that is no excuse. I know. And I feel happy being on my own. I felt great until she did that today. It was very unexpected versus what she would normally do in the past. It was a kick to me today seeing that side of her I haven’t seen in so long. I can’t and won’t be able to judge what she does.

I’m too attached, I know. It’s not in my nature to give up on somebody, but it’s lead me to be nothing.

Thanks

[This message edited by C599 at 4:09 AM, Tuesday, October 12th]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2021
id 8692739
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 4:15 AM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have started to see her manipulations and the toxic cycle of abuse. Good advice to see an IC. Work on getting stronger for you. Value yourself. You deserve better.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8692742
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:30 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

No one has the power to keep you in limbo but yourself.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8693254
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:31 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Double

[This message edited by Marz at 2:31 AM, Friday, October 15th]

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8693255
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