So, it’s an somewhat complicated story of our relationship. We met by chance over 6 years ago and just madly fell in love. I was 20, her 18. I could never imagine a more open and honest relationship. It truly still does feel like we are meant to be together, I’ll explain that later.
Early on I noticed an anger and control issue. It wasn’t quite obvious to me as it was to others, as I fell into the vicious cycle of manipulation. Through the years this got worse ten-fold. It turned from emotional abuse to physical before year two. Once it started getting severe I couldn’t handle it and we began arguing over what reality was. Her anger was never over anything tangible or real, just a hatred of me, if that makes sense. She had a very emotional and physically abusive childhood, and her mother was prominently unfaithful, despite them still being together now. Awhile spent living with her grandmother. Same subtle manipulation she displays from her mother, and much of her family.
We welcomed our first beautiful child in year three. After that, things continued to get worse. I would be ignored for months on end, with brief intermission of everything is normal. Then, she started babysitting for this man whom she met through her last babysitting job. That’s when she started to throw in that she absolutely despises me (screaming, terror tactics, etc), and that we’re separated. All the while maintaining an attitude that we aren’t.
That’s the point she throws in for about a month that she’s talking to him. He’s mid-30s military. I met him once. Nice man, not the most handsome looking and suffered from heavy alcoholism. Didn’t really seem logical but I did believe it to an extent. She changes her mind I guess after what I assume him not being so great. Currently, I think they were chatting all the time but nothing sexual.
After that, she said she was lying the whole time, it was a joke. Not a very funny joke.
So, I carried along wanting to believe that but had mistrust, and she would be outraged to want to discuss it. I was always very open.
Time goes on and we welcome our second child. At this point, before and after the pregnancy things a going great, relatively. We’re happy, quality time, date nights, good place to live. Then, fate has it she goes from other work back to babysitting and starts working for a divorced couple. This man is 45+, alcoholic, but overall decent I suppose. Never met him.
Again, she starts phasing in that we’re not together anymore and done forever. Then for about two months says she’s going to hang out with him with our kids. She starts lying often and saying she’s doing other things. But the kids are always with her.
After that she all of a sudden is back with me. But starting a whole starting from scratch kind of thing. At first saying yes they did have sex, etc. But then in the same conversation at dinner says she was just lying again to trick me. I do honestly believe they did, as she put it she was very drunk and it was a short lived session. I don’t believe that at all. When your bathroom smells like sex of your partner, but not with you, it’s obvious.
So, again mentally I really shoved it down deep but since had strong mistrust. Life continues and I start working as a truck driver. She is excited of the income. Also that with me not there during the week she doesn’t worry about yelling at me.
This is now within the past year and things are going great. Awesome times, taking our kids out on weekends, no money stress. But still she didn’t seem to be satisfied.
Now, we come to the past two weeks. Everything great, then all of a sudden two weekends ago she just seems off and gives me that vibe of the past, but it doesn’t seem alarming. Then Tuesday hits and while I’m on the road tells me sort of tells me we’re done, but it seemed half-hearted and I sort of got alarms. We’re still talking normally briefly but says she’s busy (which she was). She doesn’t really mention it but once again Thursday, again in a halfhearted sense. I start to see her best friends boyfriend around a lot on our outdoor security camera. She brings him with her and our kids when she visits her parents, his mother lives in the same town.
Now, with these two alarms are going off. I see her briefly on Sunday before I leave and she’s in we’re done mode. But, not quite? Then, that week (last week) he is around everyday and she’s full on done mode. She talks like she had in the past about paying child support, seeing the kids, etc. When she does reach out to FaceTime, he’s obviously at the house. Then progresses during the week that he’s staying one night. Then that he’s staying every night. Since Sunday, that she’s developing this relationship. Well, seems fast don’t it.
And this man is 38. He lived with his mom before moving to her best friend. Now her. This man exudes lies in the form of kindness. He seems far from desirable but is really nice and I’ve been around him a lot. He’s currently a landscaper employee. If you caught, her best friends boyfriend, now ex? But everything is fine with that I guess. Everything I believe and feel points to this all being true. No matter how illogical is sounds.
So, brings me to now. I’m glad to have found this community. I can’t say that I’m upset over this, though. The only struggle I had at first was with the kids but even then I can’t stress over it. I honestly believe, not for my benefit, this is another cycle of her abuse and infidelity … rather extreme.
All the while, the struggle I’ve had for years trying to escape and reconcile the abuse finally feels over. I’m happy. I do miss her and what this means for our family but overall I haven’t felt clear-minded or social in a long time.
I do wonder what the future holds. In part of my heart, I feel like we may come back together. At a point where the cycle of abuse may break for her. She is a very intelligent woman and I love her dearly. I hold no judgements against her. At the same time, I am completely happy none of that happening and feel the cycle might not break.
And I must point out my flaws in the relationship. I feel like I was not the strong man she needed, but continuing to live in constant judgement, hatred, and downing I felt like I could never breathe who I truly am. I became unsociable, but always tried my hardest to since I love socializing, despite being introverted. I was in counseling for a year in the middle of all this because I was shutting down.
I can’t explain, but I’m sure people understand, the emotions 24/7 and the uncountable nights crying alone and praying.
But, to summarize a hectic display of thoughts, I truly am happy wherever this goes. I don’t know where it will, or what is actually real. Nothing here makes much logical sense, but neither did the abuse.
I feel happy for once in over 5 years. In my heart, I feel we won’t be back together. But, part feels we may. I’m not sure which I am happier with, to be honest. I feel such vigor and happiness that I don’t think I will have with being with her again. But, I believe bad habits in people can change. There is more than I could ever explain in loving her. I don’t feel like I should give up.
Thanks for reading! It was a mess, I hope it made sense.
[This message edited by C599 at 7:38 AM, Saturday, October 9th]