Newest Member: Armyman9196

Reconciliation :
Why didn’t you ask me how I felt -

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 Avnp (original poster new member #79393) posted at 3:14 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I needed to come on here and post about why I can’t sleep. It helps knowing there are people who are experienced and in similar situations reading my thoughts.

Tonight was not good. WH is away for training for three weeks, the week was okay, had some bumps with me and my moods because it still is very fresh from DDay (2.5 months). But we FaceTime and texted and felt as if we both missed each other. Now it’s the weekend and he has always had problems with wanting everyone to like him, to being the life of the party; one of the boundaries i set was no drinking without me, even alone. He was drinking very heavily during A and kinda always had more than I was comfortable with throughout our 9 years together prior and would draw back for a bit if I had mentioned it bothered me or was an issue and then go back to his ways -so never a permanent solution for him always just a temporary show. Well he FaceTimes me tonight and I can tell immediately he was drunk and I asked twice and the reply was no - then I asked again and he said yes. I asked why he lied when another boundary was - NO lies. He says because he was afraid I would judge him- Which no, it’s because he knew it was wrong. And then my flooding starts -

He then proceeds to say I make myself feel this way, and that I’m looking for ways to hurt more. That he did nothing to contribute to it, also asks "why didn’t you ask me how I felt prior to the A? You never asked" and boy did that sound like a big "You are to blame for the A, you never checked on me to see if I was okay before I cheated or to ask what I needed" Once he said that he also hit me with "there are some things that need to change moving forward - you’re doing the same problematic behavior as before"
He’s referring to me not allowing him to talk and allowing things to be up for discussion, (which I am working on with myself in IC) but I mean once someone flat out try’s to blame shift again after the amount of trauma they inflicted on you and you’re trying to give them a gift of R - all the while feeling rejected and low again, it’s hard to allow them to speak. Once I hung up the phone I saw on his AppleWatch that he attempted to reach out to his friends that were out; I’m assuming to see if he should meet up with them - which was another boundary No going out.

So, I’m just sitting here questioning if he is ready for R or if he ever will be. I keep telling myself these are the moments I will not put up with anymore, especially after the betrayal. Why stay if you keep getting hurt and I feel as if all of his tears and the "sadness" at the beginning were for him - getting caught and the shame he felt, but not for me. I think he can’t handle all of what’s comes with this, with me and my emotions and just how to be a proper husband. Or he deep down doesn’t want to. I keep having a feeling him wanting to rug-sweep and he clearly has some lingering feelings about how I may be the one to blame for how he acted out and had an A. I just thought that If you had this on the line you wouldn’t be acting like this or it wouldn’t be another temporary show. I’m just feeling very hopeless and hurt again- not sure how much more rejection I can handle.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2021
id 8692334
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Midlyfewife ( new member #74551) posted at 4:10 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

WW here. Sorry you find yourself in this spot. I would encourage you to read the part where you ask how much more rejection you can take. He is rejecting a gift of R from you. You have the power to reject his lies and broken boundaries. You’re very early on in just recovering from shock and the ultimate betrayal of infidelity. His lies, his drinking, and broken boundaries are a him problem. He will try to put this on you, try to rugsweep and minimize the damage it has caused you and your marriage. Treat yourself to something special tomorrow. Lunch with a friend, a massage or a movie. Take a stand. When he tries to say you caused his A, remind him it was his choice. Ask him what led to the choice to cheat. If all of his answers are in relation to you as a spouse, then he is not getting it. Spouses that want to R are willing to ask themselves what made them cheat, how they gave themselves permission to cheat, and don’t blame broken boundaries on the betrayed spouse.

WW 49
BH 58- Achilles1101
Married 21 years. 2 Kids
4.5 year LTA

posts: 27   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2020   ·   location: NorCal
id 8692340
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:17 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

One of the most difficult things we realize....or fail to realize after a deep betrayal, is where our boundaries really lie. Sure, we can say that we are not going to put up with any more poor behaviors, but is that really true? Is this a boundary that we don't initially enforce, but find the strength later? It varies from person to person.

It's much easier for me, because I am several years out, but what I have seen, time and time again, is that we are simply not resolute in our early days. When push comes to shove, we tolerate behaviors that we shouldn't. So my solution....or better yet, belief....is that we, as the betrayed, need to focus on disconnecting emotionally. Once we are truly of the mindset that we can take it or leave it, is when we stand behind our boundaries.

You mentioned no drinking to your WH, but he did it anyway. Are you prepared to walk away today? Of course not. But what if you were? How empowering would that feel to say what you mean, and mean what you say? It's a much better feeling than what you have today. And the best part is it is entirely in your hands. No one can make you choose otherwise.

Make this your focus. Give yourself some slack if you feel overwhelmed. Just focus on working towards emotional detachment. You'll know when you're getting there. And you will see your situation much clearer.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3830   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8692364
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:10 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I’m sad for you.

It’s a terrible day when you realize that drinking and partying and going out are more important than the marriage and the spouse.

Your H has a drinking problem. He could have one or two drinks - like many people - but he appears to often drink to excess.

Treat him like the alcoholic lying cheating selfish person he is. He’s proven he’s not going to change b/c once he’s out of the house, he goes crazy like a teenager out from under their parents’ watch.

A sign of immaturity to say the least.

He views you as his "warden" and he’s filled with resentment about it. No true R will ever work under those circumstances.

I hope you at least have a Plan B prepared. Just in case. Start putting money in an account he doesn’t know about it have access to.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8692376
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 Avnp (original poster new member #79393) posted at 9:15 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Thank you all for your advice, it just sucks that it has come to this. I thought he would turn around after I went NC for a bit and he seemed but then lied about drinking and hanging out with people again.


I intend on leaving- I currently live FL and now have to travel all the way to AK to be with my family. If anyone has a recommendations for a good moving company or a way to ship my car (I'm looking into taking the Ferry from WA to ship it) but if there is anything more affordable options it would be appreciated.

It just sucks that even though this has nothing to do with me and all very much his own issues, that I keep getting knocked down by this one person. I'm deciding not to take it anymore.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2021
id 8693859
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 9:27 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Good Avnp! You are showing so much strength that many of the rest of us BSes have yet to find in ourselves! I have family that lives on an AK island - looks like a beautiful place to start fresh!

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8693861
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 9:41 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Aside from the drinking this sounds just like my WH. I feel he is rejecting my gift of R. I am four months past finding out it was physical after being lied to for almost five months so I'm still super early in my journey and I wasted a lot of time playing the pick me dance. Among other things that I'm completely embarrassed by that behavior now.

I've just now gotten strong enough to tell him exactly what it will take and exactly what I need from him to R. However it appears he's just going through the motions and not fully committed. Using words without actions. I'm not sure if he just thinks in his mind that I will never leave so he will just get away with this or what. Anyway for the last few weeks I've been trying to figure out if I just need to ask for a separation or a divorce. Because what we're doing right now is more mentally draining than the affair itself.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 141   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8693863
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 Avnp (original poster new member #79393) posted at 9:52 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Yeah, it seems incredibly easy for him to say he will do this and he will do that and he feels that way and blah blah..but it's literally empty promises. Which was happening before A, and the only way I was doing R - was if it was new marriage and a new H.

It sucks to find out that the second chance was thrown away for FOMO - how immature. I feel disappointed at my choice of a mate and it's true that you never really know someones true colors until this happens.

I just can't keep wasting more of my time, energy, love and hope on someone who doesn't respect me or themselves. Even before I found out about the the hidden drinking this past weekend, he told me he doesn't remember or recall certain things anymore because he doesn't want to think about the A or AP. So no more lies, no more drinking and no more cop outs for me. And after I did a good cry and let out the whole "why does this keep happening to me" moment, I feel better and lighter. Just have to figure out how to make my way home 4k miles away haha

posts: 12   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2021
id 8693865
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 9:57 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Your strength is admirable. You have got this. Even though I tell myself everyday it will never get better and I will never feel better I know that it will. It's just hard to leave that mindset.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 141   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8693870
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 9:58 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

This is a terrific example of setting boundaries and defending them. Brava!

I'm sure he agreed to the boundaries to placate you, then blew right them thinking that you wouldn't enforce them.

Does he know yet that you've decided to leave?

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 570   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8693871
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 Avnp (original poster new member #79393) posted at 10:04 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

I think it all takes time. I tried and I think I was waiting for the moment where it clicked for me that I don't deserve any of this...from anyone. Or I was waiting for him to prove himself.

I hope whatever or however it happens for you - that it will be the right thing and you'll know. I wish R would work for me, but I can't force someone to be a better person or to want to change. It all comes down to actions and words are so cheap.

Anyone doing or attempting R is admirable.

I have notified him, I also told him I blocked his number for the time because I'm tired of being played with and having my day ruined. He flys in Friday and actually our 7 year wedding anniversary is Thursday ha. I told him I was done and that he needs to find a ride back because it won't be from me. I've just reached my limit and I've warned him several times. I set the boundaries and he keeps crossing them and I'm not allowing it any longer.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2021
id 8693873
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 10:08 PM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Are you She-Ra? Because dang! You're a superhero! blink

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 570   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8693875
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