Newest Member: Withoutloveinthedream

Reconciliation :
Did I screw my person?

default

 PersephoneEris (original poster new member #77237) posted at 6:53 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

So it’s been a while since I’ve even thought about talking about my feelings or even allowing myself to feel anything. I’ve stopped caring about my WS and his broken promises and the pain he caused. I told him since he won’t give me the things I needed, the things that he promised me, to make it thru this hell that I just don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t try to get him to be a loving husband or an active father. I don’t ask him for the intimacy/sex I crave. I don’t ask him to quit smoking pot. I don’t discuss the money he’s blowing. I try not to care that this isn’t the relationship I want or need to truly be happy. As a result, we no longer fight and he thinks we’re good. I don’t cry anymore and I don’t feel the anger as sharp. Even the shame and resentment stay muted. I guess I’m numb.

However, the other night something hit me and made me feel, made me think. I don’t know what the consensus is on soulmates or someone’s "person", but after thinking about it over the past few nights, I believe in it. My husband is not my person. I’ve accepted it and have been trying to deal with it cuz there’s literally nowhere for me and my kids to go atm. It was my choice and I’m the one that messed up when I chose and married a man that wasn’t my person. My bad. But then I thought, what about the man that was/is my person? Did I screw him? I hope not. I hope he found a wonderful person and isn’t traveling the painful road I am. I stay with my husband because as long as I bury my feelings and needs and desires, this home seems what’s best for me and my children. He pays the bills and I am able to stay at home with my babies and focus on the house and my outside projects that I like. As long as we don’t fight, this place is healthy and happy for my kids and me staying isn’t hurting anyone except myself…unless I screwed my person for which I just want to throw out into the universe, I’m sorry.

Maybe I’m being ridiculous. Maybe it’s just my way of letting go. I dunno. All I know is that this R thing is hard and I just never know what the right thing to do is. I’m not doing R for the reasons I think you should, but does that mean that they’re the wrong reasons? I dunno.

Me: 35 BW
Him: 39 ONS WH
Married: 6 years, together 8.5 years
Dday: 8/21/20; one week after ONS
Relationship status: unsure, in MC, cheating may always be a dealbreaker

posts: 23   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: North Idaho
id 8691922
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:47 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I would not recommend this as a long term option b/c you are cheating yourself.

I’m not saying you should D and go find your "soul mate".

I’m suggesting you are burying your feelings and settling for a situation that is not optimal. You are cheating yourself.

Maybe a better idea is to plan for a day when you will decide you deserve better than "settling" for an emotionally barren life with a partner you don’t connect with.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691942
default

CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 12:55 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Numbers would make it statistically impossible to back up the concept of "the one".

We live on a planet with 7 billion people. If I interact personally with 1 million of them over the course of an 85 year life span (roughly 11,700 per year, or 980 UNIQUE individuals every single month), then I will have interacted with roughly 0.014% of the world's populace during my lifetime.

That means there's a 99.986% chance over 85 years that I never even walked past "the one".

This is why the concept of a "soulmate" is total BS. While you can become connected with someone at a deep level of intimacy, feeling as though your souls were "destined" to meet, that would take a whole lot more belief than I know that I am capable of. You haven't screwed anyone over.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3037   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8691944
default

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:46 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I have a different view about soulmates. I believe we do have people with whom we can have a very special bond, maybe something between 1 in 100 and 1 in 1,000 - we have lots of potential soulmates. If you think you are screwing the soulmate you didn't marry, you are screwing millions.

I think you're mainly screwing yourself, though, not your other potential soulmates. You need to protect yourself and your kids.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26161   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8692001
default

3yrwait ( member #29907) posted at 6:08 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

This was painful to read because it hit close to home.

It is a perpetual limbo. While there is comfort in peace, there is little joy. A child needs a household with joy.

I am still with WS more than a decade after DDay. I regularly question if I made the right decision…there is little joy. I get the most joy when I am by myself.

After DDay, I ran the calculus of emotional outcomes. I figured my WW would make life hell for me and our child if we split, and decided limbo was better than hell. I still don’t know if I caused or prevented pain for my child.

Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

posts: 529   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2010   ·   location: 3yrwait
id 8692002
default

13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 7:48 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

My H and I met in high school. I hadn't spoken a word to him when he told his friend that he was going to marry me someday, that he had had a dream about me before he met me. We didn't date for another three years. There are many serendipitous things that happened, both in the early days and post DDay/pre-R that make me think that the universe wants us together. Some people would say that it's happenstance or that I'm assigning meaning, and that's their prerogative. I feel the push, though. H feels the push.

He's also the one who cheated on me three times and hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before, largely because he had unrealistic expectations of what he thought a relationship should be and was disappointed that it wasn't the fairy tale romance that he had expected. Maturity and counseling brought him back down to earth, so we've settled into a realistic version of our meant-to-be-ness and it's lovely and peaceful.

My BFF has been married to a good, decent man for 25+ years who is not a good match for her. If you know the Myers-Briggs, she's an ENFP and he's an ISTJ. Complete opposites. She doesn't have a pressing reason to leave him, other than it drives her bananas that he lives for Judge Judy and that they don't make each other happy. And she won't leave him now that they're in their late 50s because of practical reasons, just like you. She bought a lake house where she spends most of her time so that she can avoid the inevitable confrontations that could lead her to snap and file for D. She's not willing to give up half of the retirement account or her standard of living or his medical insurance, so she tolerates being married to a man whom she doesn't really like. She feeds her soul through relationships with her friends, but every so often she gets really sad about not being able to have a romantic relationship with someone who would appreciate her for who she is.

If you decide to stay until your kiddos are grown, I think it's important that you feed your soul and find some happiness now. Maybe your soulmate will be waiting for you in your second act. XO

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 8:49 PM, Thursday, October 7th]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 570   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8692022
default

throwawayabay ( member #55912) posted at 3:08 AM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

13YearsR, just a note .. having total opposite MBTI typing doesn't mean two people aren't compatible. In fact, in some ways it teaches that opposites attract and create strength to counteract each others' weaknesses. Actually, in reality, the growing belief is that MBTI is fairly unreliable when considering personality typing as a whole, and most view it as fairly flawed all-around. Not to discredit your main point .. it seems that MBTI aside, your friend and her husband are not matched for many reasons (my point is just that their MBTI typing isn't the main reason, nor should it be a factor in her consideration of her marriage).

On a more personal level, I agree with you .. I've always felt that my ex-WW and I were meant to be together (even after she cheated and we divorced). It's been extremely difficult for me to close my heart off to her, and I can't really make sense of why. But I don't believe she's my only soulmate. As others have said, I believe there are thousands or tens of thousands of people "out there" who I would be compatible with if we met and got to know each other.

Me: BH ~ 30y/o
Her: EX-WW ~30y/o
~5y marriage
0 children (thank God)

WW cheated with lesbian coworker early 2016
Divorced early 2018
Trying to go NC, but ex-ww reaches out trying to be friends (or something like that)

posts: 107   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2016   ·   location: CA
id 8692064
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:14 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

My personal opinion is I have lots of soulmates. People I have a connection with on many levels - both make and female.

My H is not my only soulmate. Never was. Never will be. That’s just the way I’ve always felt.

He’s my main "go to" guy but not my only.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8692090
default

13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 4:04 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

13YearsR, just a note .. having total opposite MBTI typing doesn't mean two people aren't compatible. In fact, in some ways it teaches that opposites attract and create strength to counteract each others' weaknesses. Actually, in reality, the growing belief is that MBTI is fairly unreliable when considering personality typing as a whole, and most view it as fairly flawed all-around. Not to discredit your main point .. it seems that MBTI aside, your friend and her husband are not matched for many reasons (my point is just that their MBTI typing isn't the main reason, nor should it be a factor in her consideration of her marriage).

Oh, but their typing/personalities are totally the main reason they can't seem to get along. lol She's a hard N with very little S and it drives him absolutely crazy that she leaves cabinet doors open, loses her glasses and keys every fifteen minutes, and shuts him down when he feels the need to relay everything in great detail, as ISTJs are wont to do. (It's never just "I'm going to Lowe's. Back in half an hour." It's "I'm going to Lowe's to buy a 3/8" socket and two rolls of duct tape, and then I'm going to stop by the gas station and get a Coke and fill up the tank. Gas is $2.58." NOBODY CARES. SHUT UP. YOU'RE EXHAUSTING.) That's really all that they fight about. She can't stand how rigid and black-and-white he is. But she admits that he's been a good father and is a "bill-paying motherfucker." laugh It's hard to live with someone who doesn't understand you and doesn't want to, and is constantly irritated by you. Believe me, we've discussed this hundreds of times. It's the difference in personalities. I think if she was a more centered ENFP, and he was a more centered ISTJ, it might work out well. But they're both hardcore. She likens living with him to "being nipped to death by baby lambs." Nothing huge ever happens; it's the constant little things that make them unable to tolerate each other.

It seems that everyone discounts the Myers-Briggs these days, but I find the typing to be pretty accurate. I've been playing with it since the 80s. I'm a middle of the road ENFP, but I sometimes test as INFP or ENFJ. My BFF is also an ENFP, but she tests as almost all N and E, so I keep track of her glasses and keys and let her be our spokesperson in public. lol

I've always felt that my ex-WW and I were meant to be together (even after she cheated and we divorced). It's been extremely difficult for me to close my heart off to her, and I can't really make sense of why.

I totally get that. It's a big part of why I wanted to R. I didn't want to lose my person. I'm sorry that you did, but I also agree with you and The1stWife that there are plenty of others out there. smile

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 7:57 PM, Friday, October 8th]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 570   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8692224
default

Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 10:13 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I believed in soulmates but not anymore. I believe my W was a great fit for me, she didn’t, she went out seeking a bigger better deal, she didn’t find it. If we were soulmates destined by God she wouldn’t have strayed. She is a very compatible fit, but if I was to believe in soulmates, well I never found her.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8692403
default

DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 12:07 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

There are people we are well suited to have a healthy, supporting, loving relationship with and there are people that we would not be well suited to. But even those "special" people that we are well suited to (let's call them soulmates...ugh), even those people are autonomous, faulty, free will beings. That we find that "one" that we are best suited to does not in any way constrain them from doing stupid things and acting out in ways that are unhealthy for their partner.

I get the reason the "soulmate" concept is important. But if there was truly only one that fit that description for everyone, CaptainRogers debunked that idea well. I am more inclined to look at it similar to sisoon, there are some number of people with whom one could live a happy and fulfilling and mutually respectful relationship. But, alas, what those people do and how they deal with their own frailties will still be a major factor in how well that partnership ends up. They could have been very well matched, but that does not stop them from taking their free will broken parts in an unsafe direction.

I do not think you screwed "your" person. I think you may be unwittingly screwing yourself. But I completely get the terrible rock and a hard place that your husband's broken selfish choices have put you in and I am sorry you have to deal with the painful aftermath.

posts: 1729   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8692494
default

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:23 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Not only do I believe in soulmates, despite Cap's arithmetic; I also believe in anti-soulmates.

IMO, my W cheated only because she met her anti-soulmate. Just as soulmates bring out the best in each other, anti-soulmates bring out the worst. That's my definition; it may not be yours. smile

I think 'anti-soulmate' is a great concept, and I think it is part of many As. At one time I hoped that SIers would pick it up and put it into common use. Alas, it did not become a meme, and it's been years since I thought of it. I thank PersephoneEris for reminding me, although I may be the only one who's grateful for that. laugh

Note: I do believe my W would not have cheated if she hadn't met her anti-soulmate. That's not an excuse for her A - she still could have said, 'No,' but she said 'yes.'

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26161   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8692550
default

DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 11:45 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

As with most concepts and labels in SI, I think this thread reinforces that similarity and differences in concepts and definitions of terms are really just semantics. Some see a "soulmate" as that super special one and only one. I assume sisoon that since you acknowledge there may be 1 in 10 or 1 in 100 that are equally potentially well suited as a partner that one could have many potential soulmates out there. The term is like so many others here, even "love" and "great sex" align with this forum dilemma of using a term to mean a thing except that the meaning of the term is not shared from one to another.

Sisoon, for you, what makes a partner qualify for that designation?

posts: 1729   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8692581
default

 PersephoneEris (original poster new member #77237) posted at 7:43 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

There’s definitely differing opinions on the idea of a person or soulmate. All useful or helpful in some way so I appreciate the convos. One thing that seems common is that I’m screwing myself…of which I’m not oblivious to. I know it’s not an ideal situation for me. However, it’s not just me that I have to think about. I have to try to make the best decision for my kids. The housing market out there right now is awful, with many living in RVs or even tents where we’re at. Usually if I can block out what he’s done and how he’s broken every promise he made me, he doesn’t lose it and scream and throw things so the environment while not ideal, isn’t bad. Usually. Today was an exception where I said nothing huge, just playful, and he took it completely wrong and ended up throwing the remote and calling me names before storming out of the house.

I guess I like the idea of someone out there, whether it be one person or many people, that wouldn’t be like that. That I wouldn’t have to be numb with. That even tho I screwed up and chose wrong, is living the happy life we could have had. There’s so much sadness and anger in my heart that I try to find something comforting or good.

Me: 35 BW
Him: 39 ONS WH
Married: 6 years, together 8.5 years
Dday: 8/21/20; one week after ONS
Relationship status: unsure, in MC, cheating may always be a dealbreaker

posts: 23   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: North Idaho
id 8692618
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20211022 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy