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Divorce/Separation :
Co-parenting agreement

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 Intotheabyss14 (original poster new member #79100) posted at 4:09 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

I have a question for any of you that co-parent with WS. We have 50/50 custody. I feel like our parenting agreement is very simple. It’s strictly just about the holiday split. At the time I did not know what I could add to the agreement. Do any of you have any rules on travel? Does your co-parent message you to let you know they arrived safely? My coparent does not reach out like tells me he will causing me so much anxiety. Then when I have to contact him he tells me he "forgot". I believe he enjoys causing me distress. He is now punishing me through my child. sad Is that something I could add to a parenting agreement? Communication before/after travel. And would I need to go to court again? Thank you In advance.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 10th, 2021
id 8691380
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:54 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

You can try to add anything you wish. Doesn’t mean the co-parent will adhere to the request or agreement unless it is necessary like a child support issue or some other serious issues.

It sounds like he truly did forget OR just doesn’t want to be respectful.

Either way it will be hard for the court to enforce a mandated call like that unless there are extenuating circumstances.

What are the rules surround travel? Out of the country ok? Or does he need your approval?

Did you have an attorney review the custody agreement?

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:54 AM, Sunday, October 3rd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691398
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 1:29 PM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

Yeah, my xwh wouldn’t do anything I asked him to do, either. I stopped asking bc he knew that it aggravated me and he got a charge out of it.

I had to figure out ways to get my information without involving him. Is your child old enough to have a phone? Find out (prob on this site) if there are any apps that you can put on your child’s phone that shows location, but is a hidden app. That would be great bc then you will always know your child’s location (even during vacations) and your xh won’t know!!!

If your child doesn’t have a phone, I know that some people on this site have in their parenting agreement that each parent can call the child at a certain time every evening, so you could email your atty about the procedure for doing that. At least you’d know by nighttime that they arrived ok. However, on the flip side,!do you want your xh calling you every evening to talk to your child? barf

If they are going far away on a trip, you might actually call a PI in that area ahead of time. It’s possible for a small amt $ they would drive by the location and text you the video from their car camera. The PI’s I talked to were eager to work and had all sorts of ideas to get the info I wanted on my xh. I think to do a drive by photo was $25. The peace of mind for you might be worth it.

Now that my sons are older we have Snapchat and we can see each other’s location if they’ve checked the app recently. Is your child older and have access to snap?

Also, some issues I called my atty and he called xh atty who was able to get xh to do what I was requesting-like not having my sons babysit OW kids on his parenting time.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:30 PM, Sunday, October 3rd]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5367   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8691409
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 7:17 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

If you child is old enough for a phone, get him/her one and you'll be done. Dont need to engage with the ex about it.

posts: 1175   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8691577
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Minnesota ( member #50615) posted at 6:07 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

Not having read any of your previous posts, I don’t know much of your story.

How old is your child?

And I guess, why do you worry they don’t get where they are going?

This question might come across asshole-ish. If I could ask it in person, I would temper my voice and try to make my body language show respect and deference. If you’re being honest, is this about trying to control your XH?

I remember talking to my IC about my XW (at the time she was my WW). I asked my IC why I felt so strongly I had to "win?" He asked me what "winning" looked like. And that really made me stop and think.

So I wonder if trying to get him to tell you when they get someplace is you trying to win. Honestly, getting divorced means he doesn’t owe you anything outside the terms of your D. You don’t owe him anything beyond the terms of your D. You both owe your kid to be the best parents you can be.

When we split up, we worked out a 50/50 agreement. When she brought my kid over, (he was 3 at the time) she wouldn’t look at me, but just walked him to the door. I was the one that said "hi" and "see ya later" etc. I set the bar. I led by example. I would have rather hit her with my car (kind of). But I knew it had to be about my kid and what was best for him was for us to get along and work together. This is a long haul. So I modeled civil and respectful behavior. Usually. We get along ok and co parent pretty well.

My situation is not yours. My ex is not the same as yours, and I’m not the same as you, so there were some things baked in to our relationship, (our backgrounds) that predisposed us to respect each other. It took awhile to get to trust and better respect. It wasn’t instant or easy. But getting along was important.

I’m guessing your ex isn’t trying to agitate you. He just isn’t thinking about it. It’s not a part of his paradigm. I might be wrong. I don’t know him. One other thing I learned is that I can’t control anybody besides myself. You can’t control him. Just yourself.

Good luck.

Me: BS Upper 40's
Her: XWW younger 30's
Married Sept. 2010
DDay Thanksgiving 2015
Dday2- Jan28ish, 2016 -new affair
One child (Big Mister) born in 2012
Divorced Sept. 2, 2016

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2015   ·   location: Minnesota
id 8691666
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 5:04 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

The only requirement in our parenting agreement is that we inform the other when we are moving... and my xWW violated that and then blamed me for it. barf

That said, I think that it's appropriate for both parents to know where their children are sleeping at all times.

I let my xWW know when I am traveling with my kids. She usually lets me know when she is traveling, although not always. She has accused me of not informing her when I am traveling, but that's 100% false.

Generally speaking, people will tend to start imitating your behavior if it's good behavior and you aren't being mean about it. Don't argue with your ex, just let him know that you would like to know where the kids are when he is traveling. And you need to lead by example by letting him know when you are traveling.

DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM. State that you want him to let you know when he is traveling. When he starts to argue, do not respond at all.

Finally, remember that there are no parenting plan police. Except for very significant violations of the parenting agreement (like not allowing your kids to be with you during your parenting time), no one cares about parenting plan violations... certainly not a judge.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8691716
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:51 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

If you child is old enough for a phone, get him/her one and you'll be done. Don't need to engage with the ex about it.

I second this. I have to parallel parent because the ex has a personality disorder so we don't talk at all unless it is a child emergency.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8691734
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 Intotheabyss14 (original poster new member #79100) posted at 11:56 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it. @The1stwife I don’t think he forgot he just wasn’t being respectful. He can be very passive aggressive. But I don’t think I will go back to court if I don’t absolutely have to. I will most likely get my son a phone. @homewrecked2011 I had never thought of a PI and that is a great idea. Hopefully I never have to do that because the years of being my own private investigator because of my cheating WH nearly killed me….consumed my life. Never again! Halftime2017 the phone is a great idea…..I think he’s old enough for one smile I found one that only text and calls.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 10th, 2021
id 8691777
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 Intotheabyss14 (original poster new member #79100) posted at 12:18 AM on Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

@minnesota That is a valid question. My child is 9. I worry because I lost a child and I worry terribly that something will happen to this one. The anxiety is pretty intense. I don’t feel like I’m trying to win. I feel physically sick every time I have to see him so the least I hear from him/see him the better. I try to be respectful and make things easier on him. He is only nice to me when he needs something from me. I had actually done something the previous day to help make his trip possible so for him not to text me when he said he would…..sucks. He cheated on me and emotionally abused me for years and when I finally got the courage to leave he told me I was going to regret that decision. I can be respectful and try my hardest to not "upset him" but I get the same outcome. He treats me like I am the one that betrayed him. It’s awful. I will get a phone and hopefully soon I won’t even have to communicate with him. If it was up to me I would never want to see him again.


@barcher144 I try and be respectful and that is so hard with all of our history. But going forward I will try to engage as little as possible. He ruined many years of my life and I’m done. He has not violated significant rules so I have to pick my battles. I’ve given this person enough of my energy. Thank you smile

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 10th, 2021
id 8691778
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