I knew it was going to be hard.
When we first adopted our kids, we knew it was going to be a challenge. With their birth mothers being alcoholics and drug addicts, we knew there would be issues. Took them to a relatively famous neuropsychologist and got diagnoses that indicated there would be challenges.
Every now and then I am cautiously optimistic that they are growing into some level of normalcy.
My oldest (29) has a 3 yr old daughter. He and the mother are not "together" at this point. He told me the other day very calmly that he understood that they were not together, even though he wishes they were, and that they might never be. But he just had to make the best of it for their daughter. Fairly mature, right? Especially when considering his fetal alcohol issues.
Then, the other day, he finds out that she is dating one of his oldest and closest friends. He is beside himself. Says things like he doesn’t want her to ever be allowed to come to the house again. The problem is, that his child’s mother is very special to me now, after being in our lives for 3 1/2 years. He has told me this before… That he doesn’t want her allowed in our home, but I refuse to agree to it because she is part of my family now. This time he asks me if I would be willing to have her not be in the house when he is home… Because he lives here. So I spoke to her and we have all agreed that she and the baby will spend time with us on days when she is off from work or on days when she goes in late, while my son is away from the house at work.
Tonight she had to work late, so the baby is staying here. When my son comes home he immediately jumps into the daddy role and helps her have some supper, and a bath, and plays and watches TV with her. I left them alone so he could have some one-on-one time with his daughter.
I got a phone call from the mama who is in tears. She says that when she goes to pick up the baby, he wants to "talk" which usually means to badger her about her doing something he doesn’t want her to do, or trying to talk her into being a couple again. Long story short, because she wouldn’t talk about it, he ends up kicking her car and saying something about wishing she would die. All of this is in front of their three-year-old child. Through tears, she was explaining to me on the phone that their daughter was asking her, "Mommy, why did daddy kick the car?"
My first response is to feel so badly for the baby… She can’t understand this and none of this is her fault or her choosing. Then I felt terrible for her mother. She has issues with anxiety, and understandably so, due to some of her past, and she is completely torn up about the situation. But I’m also worried about my son. His temper and his impulsivity. After I got off the phone with her, I went into the room to pick up toys or whatever… Really to just check on my son. He comes in the room talking about how horrible it is that she is dating his "ex" friend. He says, "you know what the worst part of it is?" I answer, "the worst part is that you kicked her mothers car and said you wish she would die in front of your daughter!"
I know there’s nothing I can do to change this. But I can’t get him to see a counselor. And these outbursts most often are just a momentary thing, and in about 15 minutes he realizes how wrong what he did was, and feels terrible about it.
The youngest son is going through a very similar situation, and my middle son just drinks and sits out in the yard in his truck listening to music and videos on his phone.
We have had them since they were 7 months, 1 year, and 2 days old respectively.
Tonight, I really thought I was going to have some sort of breakdown. So I just took off walking around the block. Just left all of them at the house, and left my H who just got home from a 9 day hospital stay. I don’t do that much because I broke my hip 10 months ago and it’s not really feeling fabulous enough to go for long walks.
But I went anyway. It seemed to be a pretty good distance. My mind was spinning and when I started paying attention to where I was, it was pitch dark and I had no idea where I was. Turns out I was just a few streets over from my house and I quickly found my way home. The very strange thing was that I had no fear. None. And that bothered me because it made me think I wasn’t concerned for my safety.
Anyway, I don’t know how to proceed from here. I certainly don’t want them to cause emotional stress for their children, and I don’t want them in jail for damaging property like kicking in the car. But also, I just want them to have a good lives.
So, I know there’s nothing to be done really. 😢
But thanks so much for listening.
