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Off Topic :
I’m scared for my kids

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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 7:24 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

I knew it was going to be hard.

When we first adopted our kids, we knew it was going to be a challenge. With their birth mothers being alcoholics and drug addicts, we knew there would be issues. Took them to a relatively famous neuropsychologist and got diagnoses that indicated there would be challenges.

Every now and then I am cautiously optimistic that they are growing into some level of normalcy.

My oldest (29) has a 3 yr old daughter. He and the mother are not "together" at this point. He told me the other day very calmly that he understood that they were not together, even though he wishes they were, and that they might never be. But he just had to make the best of it for their daughter. Fairly mature, right? Especially when considering his fetal alcohol issues.

Then, the other day, he finds out that she is dating one of his oldest and closest friends. He is beside himself. Says things like he doesn’t want her to ever be allowed to come to the house again. The problem is, that his child’s mother is very special to me now, after being in our lives for 3 1/2 years. He has told me this before… That he doesn’t want her allowed in our home, but I refuse to agree to it because she is part of my family now. This time he asks me if I would be willing to have her not be in the house when he is home… Because he lives here. So I spoke to her and we have all agreed that she and the baby will spend time with us on days when she is off from work or on days when she goes in late, while my son is away from the house at work.

Tonight she had to work late, so the baby is staying here. When my son comes home he immediately jumps into the daddy role and helps her have some supper, and a bath, and plays and watches TV with her. I left them alone so he could have some one-on-one time with his daughter.

I got a phone call from the mama who is in tears. She says that when she goes to pick up the baby, he wants to "talk" which usually means to badger her about her doing something he doesn’t want her to do, or trying to talk her into being a couple again. Long story short, because she wouldn’t talk about it, he ends up kicking her car and saying something about wishing she would die. All of this is in front of their three-year-old child. Through tears, she was explaining to me on the phone that their daughter was asking her, "Mommy, why did daddy kick the car?"

My first response is to feel so badly for the baby… She can’t understand this and none of this is her fault or her choosing. Then I felt terrible for her mother. She has issues with anxiety, and understandably so, due to some of her past, and she is completely torn up about the situation. But I’m also worried about my son. His temper and his impulsivity. After I got off the phone with her, I went into the room to pick up toys or whatever… Really to just check on my son. He comes in the room talking about how horrible it is that she is dating his "ex" friend. He says, "you know what the worst part of it is?" I answer, "the worst part is that you kicked her mothers car and said you wish she would die in front of your daughter!"

I know there’s nothing I can do to change this. But I can’t get him to see a counselor. And these outbursts most often are just a momentary thing, and in about 15 minutes he realizes how wrong what he did was, and feels terrible about it.

The youngest son is going through a very similar situation, and my middle son just drinks and sits out in the yard in his truck listening to music and videos on his phone.

We have had them since they were 7 months, 1 year, and 2 days old respectively.

Tonight, I really thought I was going to have some sort of breakdown. So I just took off walking around the block. Just left all of them at the house, and left my H who just got home from a 9 day hospital stay. I don’t do that much because I broke my hip 10 months ago and it’s not really feeling fabulous enough to go for long walks.

But I went anyway. It seemed to be a pretty good distance. My mind was spinning and when I started paying attention to where I was, it was pitch dark and I had no idea where I was. Turns out I was just a few streets over from my house and I quickly found my way home. The very strange thing was that I had no fear. None. And that bothered me because it made me think I wasn’t concerned for my safety.

Anyway, I don’t know how to proceed from here. I certainly don’t want them to cause emotional stress for their children, and I don’t want them in jail for damaging property like kicking in the car. But also, I just want them to have a good lives.

So, I know there’s nothing to be done really. 😢

But thanks so much for listening.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8690996
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 7:58 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

And on top of this, and staying in the hospital with my H for 9 days (Being told that he had everything from a heart attack to pneumonia to sepsis and none of that turned out to be the case), now one of my best friend’s exH was found dead in his apt from COVID. She is trying to comfort her son, who just found out his dad died, and - by the way - quit paying life insurance premiums years ago.

And then there is another of my lifelong friends who is caring for her daughter (about 32-33 years old) who has literally drank herself. She is in hospice...dying from liver failure.

Oh yeah, and my friend whose grandson who is 10 yrs old and digressing rapidly from a particular form of Down’s Syndrome, but she can’t see him due to severe immune issues and COVID. So she just facetimes with him. And that’s all she can do.

And I come here and read about heartbreaking sadness here with you fine people.

It is all just too much.

Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m just old. But I can’t stand the thought that creeps in my head more and more lately...that my kids would have benefited from different parents.

And that the world is just too damn heartbreaking.

I’m going to take a pill and try to sleep. Maybe my outlook will be brighter in the morning.

Sorry for the downer posts. sad

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8690999
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:01 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

((((Whatsright)))) I’m glad you took the walk. I wish I had advice- but way out of my wheel house.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4240   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8691000
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:38 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

I’m sorry you are struggling. Sometimes it just gets to be too much to handle.

Your son is hurting b/c he has been betrayed by two people he thought he could trust. Obviously counseling would help but if he refuses then there isn’t much you can do. 🥲

I doubt your kids would have been better off with different parents. As adults it is up to them to face their challenges and improve their situation.

Life hands you challenges — and it’s up to each person how to handle them. I think we do our best and that’s all you can do.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691004
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:43 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

So I spoke to her and we have all agreed that she and the baby will spend time with us on days when she is off from work or on days when she goes in late, while my son is away from the house at work.

Sounds like they need to stick to these guidelines. I understand it was all thrown a wrench with her having to work late, but it still put your son and her in a position where this could occur.

So many work through guidelines for such situations. I.E., either she needs to arrange for someone to come get the child if she is going to run late or someone has to be the transition person between your DS and her for child hand-offs.

I know your DS will realize his actions and be sorry but unfortunately the damage is being down to your grandchild regardless so there needs to be a safety barrier.

PS - Nice to see you on here!

posts: 6673   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8691038
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Gottagetthrough ( member #27325) posted at 4:40 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

What’s right, I am so so sorry that life is throwing all these curveballs at you. It does seem like a lot. Are you on any antidepressants? I have to say I felt a lot the same about a month ago. And Welbutrin has done a lot of good for my outlook on life.

You are 29 year old son sounds a lot like my husband. My husband has bipolar one, and has done a lot of the same things that your son has done. He’s told me he hopes I die in front of our children, he has kicked holes in doors, kind of like kicking the car, and our kids have asked why does dad do that? all I can say is that from your ex daughter-in-law‘s perspective, you are doing a lot, and you are a huge help to her. I only wish that my mother-in-law would help when her son is having an episode. I have called her and asked for help, I have called his brother-in-law I have called almost everybody in the family at some point and said hey can you talk to WH. I’m not getting through to him you mind. And it falls on deaf ears. The fact that you are there, helping, and a devoted, involved grandparent is huge. HUGE.

Stay strong. You are wonderful amazing and doing the absolute best you can. You are putting 150% into life. And your grandbabies well thank you when they’re older.

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8691058
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 2:34 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

Whatsright, I am so sorry you didn't get to take that much-needed trip. We ALL need trips but probably none of us as much as you need and deserve that.

Your daily struggles are tremendous. Yes, get in counseling and keep trying to take a trip to refresh and renew your energy!!

Bless you, you do so much for so many people! I am so glad you have the babies to bring a smile to your face.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 2865   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8691649
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 3:28 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

WhatsRight,

I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
PP

BS Fwh

posts: 3061   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8691698
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