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Wayward Side :
From My Point of View

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 TimeMachinePlease (original poster new member #79392) posted at 12:10 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

This is my story from my point of view. It is in no way a justification for what I did. I take full responsibility for my actions and I am solely to blame.

OK, let’s begin. For starters I am a male that works in healthcare. I am obviously the cheater in this story. I worked with my coworkers for about 7 years. This story only began about 3 months ago. There was a certain female individual that I was working with, let’s just call her Satan. My entire relationship with Satan was very benign and strictly professional. At some point we started talking about each of our alcohol consumption. This was a topic that really hit home with me since I have a long relationship with alcohol. We shared stories and experiences with alcohol, both good and bad. We began texting. The texting was all about alcohol, her husband, and lazy co-workers. We would send pics of beer in our hand, or selfies of us drinking to each other. At this point I saw no issues with any of this. I dont have any friends and she seemed like a friend. My wife completely supported my friendship…because she trusted me completely. My wife even gave me permission to go out to the bar after work with Satan to have a couple beers. The first time this happened Satan had given me a peck on the lips. I pulled away and thought maybe this was not a big deal. After all, I did nothing wrong. I knew my wife would probably be pissed and I didnt want to ruin this new friendship so I didn’t tell her about it. Not telling my wife changed the whole situation from not being my fault to it all being my fault. I wish I realized this at the time. Around this point I really started drinking heavily. I would drink all day everyday, unless it was before work. I would drink while watching my kids, while watching tv at night, on weekends, and on nights before work. There were times that I was still feeling the liquor when I was at work the following day. During this period Satan would tell me stories about passing out and her husband finding her passed out unable to be woken up by her young children. She would drink and drive with her kids in the car. She was, I believe, sleeping with a doctor we both worked with. She also cheated on her husband with another old friend of hers during a bachelorette party she attended. She was never a good person, or just misunderstood, in my eyes. I knew she was a horrible person, wife, and mother. She was not physically attractive to me at all. The only thing we had in common was alcohol.

At one point we got into an argument. I was constantly warning her about the rumors about her and the doctor. She got very mad and told me off. I was done talking to her. I would not be talked to that way. So at work the next day it was very awkward. At some point she decided we needed to talk. We work together and no one wants the work environment to be uncomfortable. We talked and made up. We ended with a hug in which I grabbed her butt. A little later she was standing there with her mask off and I tried to kiss her. I don’t know why I did this. This is not in my character. Nevertheless she pulled away from the kiss and stated that she only kisses her friends when she is drinking. I left it at that. Later that day we were finishing up a project in a private area. She kissed me. She pulled down her pants and I grabbed her ass again over her underwear. She wanted to see me so I pulled down the front of my pants enough to show her my not-hard penis. She tried to put it in her mouth and orally gave it 2 strokes when I pulled away. I told her that it was not ok and that we couldn’t do anything like that again. I reminded her taht we were married and that this would never happen again. I ended it. That following weekend she continued to text. This time she sent a pic of her vagina and told me she was mastubating. I did not try to encourage this and only responded with 1 word answers or "lol". I was very worried at this point that she would get careless and my wife would find out what I did. I was in over my head. I didn’t want to piss Satan off but I needed her to go away. I remained nice to her in the hopes to end the texting gradually. One day I left my iphone watch at home and my wife saw some of our text. Needless to say, This is where my perfect life ended.

I confessed SOME of what I did to my wife. She was destroyed. I ruined and broke her. The only person on this planet that truly loved me unconditionally and I hurt her more than anyone. She began an investigation by pulling phone records, text messages, gps coordinates, and phone call times. She showed me the phone records of all the text messages. Pages and pages of them. I had no idea I was texting that much. This was quite the awakening for me. She knew there was more. I was so afraid to lose her that I put my lying into overdrive. I make her feel crazy for questioning me. The guilt of lying just kept building up. I remember pacing in our kitchen talking to myself. Trying to convince myself that coming clean would free my soul. I did it. I told her everything. She was destroyed all over again. I did not feel like a weight was lifted. I felt even worse. I wasn’t sure if she would leave me or not. She didn’t leave…yet.

Since then We have been doing marriage counseling 3 times a week. I have been reading infidelity books and articles and have quit drinking. I have no idea what our future holds. We seem to still be spiraling out of control. We have 4 kids which adds to the damage I have done. I am in the process of transferring to another facility and will not be returning to my current work facility. My life has been turned upside down and It is all my fault. I am so grateful my wife has stayed with me so far. I still suffer every single day knowing that I have hurt my wife, teammate, and best friend. My life and my happiness is in her hands now. I just hope she treats it with more care than I did. I will never fail her again…I just hope I get the chance to prove it.

My wife’s point of view (written by my wife)

My husband and I have been together 11 years. Married for 8. We have 4 kids. If you were to ask us both what problems we had in our relationship we would both laugh and say what problems? That all changed when…He Cheated!

Backstory
He has a coworker who he became friends with. They texted a little here and there. Her her husband and kids have been to our house. I didn’t have an issue with it because I’ve always been able to look at their texts or he would tell me what the texts were about. We both always discussed how disgusting she was and what a horrible mother and wife she was. The texts were always about drama in her life and we would laugh about it. He has always had a drinking problem but during that month he began drinking a ton more. More than I even realized. At one point I let him go to the bar with her. I had no issue with that either because I trusted him 100%. They began texting more and more as time went on. I have brought up my concerns on how I didn’t trust her. That he needed to calm down with how much they texted. That she texted him at inappropriate times of the day and night. At one point they got into a fight and he was pretty pissed at how she talked to him. The following day he went into work and ignored her. She asked to talk with him to apologize. At the end of that discussion they hugged. Thats what he told me. That night after work I noticed how he wouldn’t mention her anymore and be kept his phone with him at all times and he was texting her literally nonstop that entire weekend from the Wednesday that happened until Sunday. On Sunday I confronted him about needing to stop talking to her and he said "I’m not going to do that." That Monday he left his Apple Watch at home and me feeling suspicious looked at the texts. It was pretty obvious he cheated at that point. I asked him about it and he denied it. He denied it for a month before finally confessing. During his confession I found out that at the bar she kissed him and he pulled away. She asked him to bring her beer at her house because she drank it all and her husband would be pissed. He did. Then I found out that he snuck around once to sit in her car after work and drink a couple beers. He also said that the day they made up at work when they hugged he grabbed her butt and swiped her vagina. Later that same day he walked up to her and kissed her which she pulled away from. Then at another point she kissed him and he grabbed her boob. She pulled down her pants but kept her underwear up and he grabbed her butt and swiped her vagina again. She then asked to see his penis so he pulled down his pants and she put his limp penis in her mouth twice. He then came to his senses and stopped it and told her it was a mistake and couldn’t happen again. He then met her in her car again the following day to reiterate how it wasn’t ok and put his hand on her thigh during that. That weekend she became obsessed with him sending him pictures and texting dirty with him. Instead of actually stopping it he continued to text her back. She at some point asked him to have sex and he said no.

He said he doesn’t know why he did any of it. He didn’t want to do it. He wasn’t attracted to her, didn’t have feelings for her, and didn’t love her. He thinks a lot of it was due to how much he was drinking and not caring. After all of this is said and done he realizes how wrong all of this was. He said it was almost as if he was watching it and couldn’t stop it.

Since then she has been blocked on all social media. Deleted out of his contacts. He has had no contact with her. He took FMLA from work to work on us. He suggested and set up marriage therapy. He has read books about the subject. He is looking for a new job.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2021
id 8688346
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 12:31 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

  Moving to Wayward Side

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8688353
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:58 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Interesting both of you are here together. Real interesting.

TMP, You need some help. A wife that loves (loved?) you. Kids that no doubt adore you. A drinking problem. And you're just pissing it away.

My best suggestion is to WAKE UP! Get some serious personal therapy. Commit to AA. Commit to your wife and kids. You're on a dangerous and destructive road. I hope you get yourself together before you drive off the cliff.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4455   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8688382
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:27 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Interesting choice of name for OW.
Since it has a religious context then I’m going to stick to a religious comparison.
God created the tree and the apple that the serpent tempted Eve with.
Eve fell for the temptation and then tempted Adam with the same fruit.

God didn’t absolve Adam or Eve because the serpent tempted them, nor did he give them any discount because he – God – had created the tree and the apple. Both Adam and Eve were banished from Eden.

Your Satan could have pounced around tempting you all day. YOU fell for it. To recover you need to embrace this because you can’t recover if you blame someone else. Your wife can never trust you if someone else made you cheat.

Other than that…
Focus on sobriety. I second and third the AA suggestion. Do some serious 12 step work and focus on your humility, humanity and recovery. I think one reason Satan appealed to you was the common interest: alcohol. As long as alcohol is your higher power you and any relationship you enter is doomed.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8688411
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MrsWalloped ( member #62313) posted at 4:19 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Very odd for you both to be posting under the same account. Weird.

I strongly suggest you and your wife get separate accounts. She will get the help she needs in other forums. You can get the direction you need here. And I would also suggest not reading each other's posts.

I also found it interesting you named the OW Satan. Not for the religious aspect, but because it reeks of blame shifting. Call her Susie or Joanne. Satan means she's evil and that means you blame her and you're just the helpless victim. Not true at all. Sure, the OW had a role to play but this is 100% on you.

I don’t know why I did this. This is not in my character.


Yes it is. Because you did it.

Can you help me with this timeline? You guys talked, she told you about her drinking, then one day you got into a fight, talked and made up and hugged when you proceeded to grab her butt??? And later that day you just casually walked over to her and tried to kiss her??? At work??? What? And then she went from pulling away from the kiss to pulling down her pants and giving you a BJ the very same day? My head is spinning.

I did not try to encourage this and only responded with 1 word answers or "lol"


Anything short of "Please stop. This is inappropriate" and then blocking her, is called encouraging her.

I remained nice to her in the hopes to end the texting gradually.


Revisionist history to make yourself look better.

You need to take a real hard look at yourself because you are not who you think you are.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 685   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8688441
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:48 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

First, your wife needs her own account here. She will not receive the best advice,or support, by sharing an account with her WS.

Second, stop the marriage counselling. You didn't cheat because something was wrong with the marriage. You cheated because something is wrong with you. You need IC. She may as well. But no MC for several months at least.

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8688447
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 5:15 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

No stop sign yet. Referring to the OW as Satan implies that her actions were evil and you just made some really bad choices. You are one in the same. Your actions were just as evil.

I agree that individual counseling and AA would be good for you to see why YOU chose to do what you did. Miss Temptress encouraged it and you went along. You need to understand WHY you went along so that you can avoid doing it again. I don't know that marriage counseling is good right now if things were good before you made these decisions.

Your BW needs her own account so that other betrayed members can help her without your interference or permission.

Kudos to you for recognizing that your wife was not to blame and that you need help. I wish you the best of luck.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8688452
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