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It looks like ex-w is getting remarried. A small rant.

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 Blandy (original poster Member #79252) posted at 11:50 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

I check my mail today to see a letter/form from the Diocese of the city I previously lived in. In it I've been informed that my ex-w is looking to remarry with a list of fairly personal questions of our relationship and if there is any chance that we could re-connect. It also asks if there are any issues that they should know about that may cause controversy. It's pretty much asking my permission that she be allowed to remarry.

Outside of the fact that yes, I can think of several things that I *could* say to be a jerk about this, I'm more flabbergasted by the idea that this is still a thing. It's been nearly 20 years, I'm remarried and haven't talked to her since the D wise finalized.

While people can change, neither of us were religious at all and while I would call myself atheist, she was atheist leaning agnostic. She was a strong women's rights person so I find it weird that she's now in a position where she's being treated IMHO as property.

I'm not participating in this at all, so I've already thrown the form away, I just find it. Weird.

posts: 54   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688341
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:52 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

That is weird! duh

It’s like something out of the 1960s from the Catholic Church or some other organized religions.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8688342
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 Blandy (original poster Member #79252) posted at 11:55 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Well, it's the 2020's Catholic Church.. I guess some things don't change. heh.

posts: 54   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688343
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 Blandy (original poster Member #79252) posted at 11:58 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Before this gets taken out of context, the thread is not meant to bash the church in any way. It's more of me being surprised that this is a thing.

posts: 54   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688344
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:29 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Wow…
You guys are divorced right?
I’m amazed that they are allowed this intrusion into your privacy AND this breach of trust on HER privacy.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8688363
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 Blandy (original poster Member #79252) posted at 2:04 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

I've been reading about in on the Googler. Apparently non-catholics that are divorced must have their marriage annulled by the Church to remarry in the Catholic church and receive communion.

I learned something today.

[This message edited by Blandy at 2:05 AM, Tuesday, September 14th]

posts: 54   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688370
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maxricomm ( New Member #79388) posted at 4:16 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Lots of stuff to cover here. Your ex seems to want to get married again.Problem is that the Catholic Church only recognizes one marriage and yours, in their eyes, was valid. They are trying to find out if there is any reason to say it wasn't. Either you were married in a Catholic Church, your ex has become Catholic or she is marrying a Catholic. What only matters is what were the circumstances AT THE TIME of the wedding. Not how rotten she might have been, not all the problems she caused, just what were the facts at the time of her wedding to you.FFF&T.

F - were both parties FREE to marry? No shotgun, no threats no blackmail, etc.
F - Were you going to be faithful? No dreams of getting back to an affair once the Honeymoon was over.
F - Fruitful Not planning to have kids if they come? You lose.
T - Total In short, is this going to be THE marriage?

Now, you may be OK with divorce and re-marriage...but they're not. They are just trying to help the couple enter into a sacramental marriage. It can still be done even without our cooperation. But what do you have to gain?

posts: 1   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8688438
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KingRat ( Member #60678) posted at 4:45 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Atheist here. Like the previous poster mentioned, it is a way to determine grounds for annulment and helping the person seeking an annulment, in anticipation of getting married in the church, understand that sacramental marriage is not the same as legal marriage. In that way, I respect the church takes marriage very seriously and requires the couple to actually think about the significance beyond fleeting human emotion and get counseling/education on what sacramental marriage means.

You do not need to participate if you do not wish to.

posts: 655   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2017
id 8688446
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 5:32 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

The issue I have is that people generally don’t divorce because they like each other so much.
So maybe 2-3 years later you get a chance to f@ck up your ex spouses day…

What would happen if Blandy replied that he thought they were still married in front of God? Or that he did not consent to the divorce and it was forced on him despite his religious stance? Or if he listed twenty reasons for why the ex should not be allowed to marry?

I have a niece that divorced her abusive husband several years ago. He’s since remarried, yet he still uses each and every chance he has to meddle in her life. I am 100% certain that if he got the opportunity he would mess up her chance of remarrying simply to be an asshole.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8688453
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KingRat ( Member #60678) posted at 6:19 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

They can't prevent the other spouse from getting an annulment. The only reason they get served notice is because the annulment is similar to a court proceeding and they are an interested party.

What would happen if Blandy replied that he thought they were still married in front of God? Or that he did not consent to the divorce and it was forced on him despite his religious stance? Or if he listed twenty reasons for why the ex should not be allowed to marry?

Annulment is only concerned with facts prior to the marriage. The most common ground is lack of consent. Basically, if the person seeking the annulment believed they were able to divorce the person if they so chose prior to marrying them, then they lacked the consent to enter into a sacramental marriage. Thus, the marriage should be annulled. Basically, the person had to have a legitimate belief that they could never divorce. If that were the case, there would likely be capacity issues, which would also be grounds for lacking consent.

I guess if the other spouse wanted to be a total asshole and they had evidence, they could appear and demonstrate that the one seeking the annulment had no idea they could not get a legal divorce. Two things that would likely prevent this from happening is the time and money it would take to participate and fight the annulment. If neither time nor money were an issue, the biggest issue is the virtually impossible burden of producing such evidence and persuading the tribunal that their ex legitimately never thought divorce was an option available to him/her.

Those questions are asked to determine the facts that are related to the five elements of a Catholic marriage. If one element does not exist at the time of consummation of the marriage, the marriage has to be annulled.

[This message edited by KingRat at 6:25 PM, Tuesday, September 14th]

posts: 655   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2017
id 8688460
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Shockt ( Member #74399) posted at 7:26 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

A friend of mine who had been married for 30 years or so and divored and had two grown children had to "annul" his first marriage and pay about $500 in
order to marry my other friend in the Catholic church.

posts: 69   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2020
id 8688473
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:27 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

I don’t want this to turn into a religious debate thread so let’s start by stating that I think the Catholic Church actually does a great job in protecting and saving marriages. We have also quite recently had posters in other dominations battling what the Elders might say or do regarding divorce.

However… on this SPECIFIC instance I feel like an association that has members that voluntarily are in that association is meddling with those that are not members. There is a vast difference between official courts and such, and some – dare I say it… - marriage inquisition of some association.

I’m in an angling association that commits to only using flies and fly-fishing. No bait, no lures – fly only. We also have an ethics code we promise to abide by. If I was charged with breaking those rules – say use a lure or leave line and trash at a fishing site – I would accept an investigation because I signed on for it when I entered the association. If however I wasn’t in the association I wouldn’t want to be bothered by an investigation just because a former colleague broke the rules after HE joined.
And no – don’t try to say fishing isn’t a form of religion! blush

I just find it strange and bothersome…

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8688510
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 Blandy (original poster Member #79252) posted at 5:55 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Exactly, I knew this topic is/was possibly on the line of debate. I just found it odd that my marriage that had zero to do with their Church. And now there are rules that state that the Catholic Church finds my first marriage invalid.

It does seem like a strange invasion of privacy.

I think what really was the kicker for me was at the end of the form was a place where I could donate and get more information on joining.

[This message edited by Blandy at 11:57 PM, Tuesday, September 14th]

posts: 54   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688517
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