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Yesterday was the day I finally found out the final details of my wife's multiple affairs that began back in 2011 and ended in April 2014 (7-5/12 years ago). I could talk about the pain I feel, the tears I cried, but I've done that already before. You see it took over 5-3/4 years to get her to admit that she had been more physical than she originally alluded to. This is after many attempts on my part to get her to admit them so that healing could begin. She was open yesterday which I appreciated. To hear what she had engaged in and how many times broke me down. I had always knew something occurred. It was hard for us both. She was my one and only and now... now I share her with others. I ended up getting in my car and driving. At first it was to no where specific. But then I remembered a new park out in the country had opened and I just needed to see God's creation. I walked out on a floating dock to just... breath. Let some more tears go and just feel the wind on my face.

My question to the group is knowing what I know now I feel divorce is a real solution. I had kicked it around over the years but was to weak to pull the trigger because of my girls (15, 12). I didn't want to do that to them. I didn't want to be another statistic. I wanted to honor my vows but now it feels different. I had found it hard to look at her since she admitted back in Jan 2020 that more had happened. She admitted that freely but yesterday was, "The Details". She freely answered my questions until I didn't or couldn't (I just was too emotionally broken) ask anymore. I don't know if I could ever look at her romantically again. I'm sure she would feel betrayed if I now sprang divorce on her after she admitted the details when I asked and after 7-5/12 years since D-day. Is there anyone out there who's gone through the same thing that then stayed? Were you able to finally reconnect to your spouse this way?

Me: 46,
Her: 42,
Girls: 15 and 12

I am so very sorry you had a huge dday - and make no mistake, this is dday1 all over again. Please be kind to yourself right now and give yourself some grace.

Take time to really think about what YOU want. Not what is best for the marriage, or your kids, or your ww, but YOU. And if the end answer there is divorce, then my advice is to get it done as quickly and amicably as possible.

Your ww can feel 'betrayed' all she wants, but the facts are that divorce was and is always a potential outcome of her decision to cheat on you. You don't 'owe' her to stick around or to spare her the consequences of her decision.

I ended up divorcing my wh, because even though it took me time to get there in my own self, cheating was a deal-breaker for me and I was never going to be able to look at him the same way. Making that decision sucked hugely, and it was hard and heart-breaking. I didn't want to get divorced, but in the end it was what I needed in order to move on and heal. I carry no guilt about making that choice, and I don't regret it one bit.

Hang in there and please take care of yourself.

Your ww can feel 'betrayed' all she wants, but the facts are that divorce was and is always a potential outcome of her decision to cheat on you.

This is the bottom line.

Another thing that is telling to me. You say 7-5/12 years ago. That is very specific. And very telling. You didn't round it to 7-1/2 or a little over 7 years or 7ish years. You were very specific. To me [someone just over 4 years from DDay 1 and not quite 3 years from DDays 2/3 and ~6 months from when we had to send a Cease and Desist due to LTAPs cyber stalking] that speaks volumes.

I'm so sorry.
You need to do what's right for you. If you can't look at your WW without feeling hurt, it may be time to leave. As for you children, they know there's problems between you two. Separating may be the best for all of you.

I could never see staying in this betrayed-furled marriage. Neither should the kids because they were equally betrayed. They deserve to be happy as well.

The answer is simple, but far from easy … what does YOUR GUT tell you when you look in the mirror?

Be true to YOURSELF!!!

In my experience, as long as I do that, I’m good with the outcome.

Dear (((Moon))),

This probably should have been posted in the JFO forum. In reality you just found out and this affair just happened yesterday in your mind.

Now take some time for yourself. You finally have the truth you have been asking for, looking for and really in your gut knew, that is a good thing. Many here believe it is impossible to R without the truth. It is truly shameful that she has lied for all these years making you feel crazy, but it is par for the course. I am glad the rugsweeping has started to end, if real R was ever going to happen it had to start with the truth.

I don't see any posts on how your marriage has been or how she acted when she came clean. Does she want to save the marriage. Is she different now than five years ago. Does she feel your pain (remorse)?

Please take some time to make this life changing decision.

DearPeggy com is full of resources for you as is the healing library here on SI.

Your wife must read- "How to Help heal your Spouse after an Affair". The book is short and to the point.

You might want to read a book on how to build a better marriage after this heartbreak. (I know the pain)

"The Monogamy Myth" by Peggy Vaughan she was one of the foremost researchers on infidelity.

I don't know your whole story but do hope the very best for you and your family in what may be the worst time in your entire life.

EDIT I just found all your posts in the archives, wow you have been in trauma for years. I also have a serial cheating WW and terminal cancer. I see you are a man of great faith with posts talking about God and your desire to be far from her. For me as much pain my WW has caused me and the daily trauma I relive. I still desire to see her as my wife in paradise. That is how I am currently trying R. I know God will relieve my pain in a few years and I hope to be with my WW cleaned up and beautiful when she arrives.

May you find the Happiness you Deserve.

Orgainic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 6:11 AM, Tuesday, September 14th]

MM, I’m sorry to hear that your suspicions were confirmed. That truly sucks.

For the last 7 5/12 years your WW has been trying to control the outcome of her A. Unfortunately, she’s been successful and that suggests she hasn’t been truly remorseful. You’ve essentially Just Found Out the true nature of her A, and you’ve been reconciling under false circumstances. That this development could change how you feel about her and your marriage is completely understandable and rational. Consider separating from her to discern what is the best path forward for you and your girls.

What led to the revelations? If you promised not to D if she came clean, you might have to break your promise. That means you may have to work on forgiving yourself, but you do not have to doom yourself to staying with someone you do not want to be with.

You can R, and you can D. Since you can do either, my reco is to figure out what you want and go for that.

I agree this is a new d-day. You might be in shock; from what you write, you are in shock. Human beings tend not to be at their best while in shock, so my reco, too, is to take your time deciding. Lust is part of what made me choose R, but I didn;t have to endure TT and the dishonesty, disrespect, and dis-love that comes with TT. Very often it's not the As that cause the M to end; it's the WS's behavior after d-day that kills it.

What have you done to heal during these last 7 years and 5 months? The fact that you're o specific on dates makes me think you may have a lot of stored up pain that you have to process. If I'm right, whether you D or R, you need to process any stored up pain to get back to being able to feel joy. If you don't process it out of your body, it will take away from any joy you feel.

IOW, D is not an easy way out of pain, if that's what you're looking for.

Group,

Thank you for all the responses. After I posted this on Monday I drove back out to the park I went the day before. It was so peaceful I just needed that again. I wasn't disappointed.

I had sent my WW a text earlier in the day before I posted this, when I wasn't necessarily in the right frame of mind, that basically said, "Saying sorry sometimes isn't enough. The drunk driver can say it all he wants but it can never bring back the loved one they killed." I informed her that things had changed now and I needed time to determine my next steps. I never got a response from her.

When I got home later that evening something in me had changed. I didn't feel angry anymore. In fact I felt down right relaxed and ready to... wait for it... begin rebuilding and trusting my wife again. I honestly haven't felt this in 7-5/12 years. I know what changed and to many it will sound completely weird. For all these years I BEGGED her to just be truthful with me. My counselor said there are two types of people when it comes to knowing the details after an affair. The ones that don't want to know anything and those that do. I'm the second. I just couldn't understand what I had done that could have resulted with her choosing an affair. I needed to UNDERSTAND the details so that I could get to the bottom. Over the years she kept lying to me. One to protect me because she knew the details would be hard to hear. I suffer from depression (runs in my family and was a major factor in all of this) and she feared, for good reason, that I might choose to go home to be with the Lord earlier than I should. Two, protect our girls. And three, protect herself. I get that.

So here's the thing that she just couldn't get and our counselor tried to get her to understand. I NEEDED TO HEAR THE DETAILS. She couldn't understand how knowing the details would help me, most won't. And for those that are reading this that don't get it here's my answer. I needed to establish trust with her again. In my mind she had been protecting them, not me, all these years by not answering my questions. We were supposed to be married. Married people 'should' have a trust that goes... so much further. When she explained in GREAT DETAIL what I basically knew but didn't really know (we all will make up stories to fit the information we have whether true or not) it hit me like a ton of bricks. But... she was honest. NO ONE would be that honest unless they have a divorce wish, are sick in the head, or just mean spirited. She was being honest with me in a way that truly showed me remorse for what she had done. She wasn't holding onto those details any longer. They weren't hers anymore, they were ours. It happened. I actually found myself laughing, as strange as it sounds, about it when I was alone. Not because it was funny because it wasn't. But because I now knew. I finally understood that back then my marriage ENDED. I could let it, my old marriage, go. I couldn't ever get it back nor did I want to. I wanted a new marriage. A marriage that could be based on TRUST. It's taken me a hell of long time to get here but I have no problem looking at her now as my wife. I... want to be her husband. I want to protect her. To help her grow as a person. To grow as a couple. I didn't TRUST her in the past to want that too. I felt she was just going to use me. But when you are that honest with someone it creates a whole new appreciation of them. How many of us can say we have had that with a spouse, a close friend, or family member. Certainly not myself. Not until now.

When I got home on Monday night from the park I apologized to her for sending the earlier text message. She broke down stating she didn't know how to respond to it earlier. There was nothing more she could do or say to prove she wanted to rebuilc our marriage. To keep moving forward. The next day we went to our counseling appointment and she still couldn't understand how telling me the details actually - restored me (my words not hers). The Bible says that in the beginning both the man and the woman were naked and felt no shame. I wanted us to both feel naked again - without the shame of the past.

I could keep talking but I should work. I just wanted folks to read this wherever you are at on your journey. I don't feel sad anymore. I feel relived, open, excited about my marriage and future with my wife.

Keep pressing forward wherever you are.

Me: 46,
Her: 42,
Girls: 15 and 11 (correction from 15 and 12) Both my babies have November birthdays and I got a little too ahead of myself.

None of us can predict accurately what your future holds. I can say, however, that R and M are built on honesty. Finally reaching that is a great milestone. I'm sorry it's taken this long, but if your W has truly come clean (and it looks like she has), you've got a good start.

Her feelings of betrayal for finally scraping together a bare minimum of decency to be truthful with you are not your concern. That's on her.

Your first concern should be your mental and physical health -- and the wellbeing of your daughters. I understand fully the hesitation to divorce. My DDAY with my WW was nearly 5 years ago, although I had a DDAY 2 a little more than a year and a half ago. I am not divorced. I am not separated. I allowed my WW to trickle truth, blameshifting, foot drag on truth, and push rugsweeping for several years. It's no way to live.

Divorce is a life changing decision for you and your girls. So you shouldn't leap to it, but also pay attention to what your mind and body are telling you. It sounds like this was a dealbreaker, because she compounded her toxic and vile actions with a mountain of lies for years.

You have experienced now a period of great relief, and you and your WW are experiencing a post-disclosure respite. I hope this sticks around for you, but please don't take this as anything other than trying to help: Don't beat yourself up if in another week or two you begin to feel differently. This isn't a linear process, and your feelings will be all over the map.

Be prepared for different emotions to re-surface. It sounds like you may be entering a period of hysterical bonding so pay attention to this process. It can be good, it can be great, it can also be not great.

You might consider reading a thread in the General forum here on SI on what is now termed trauma bonding.

Consider now that you know the details: adulterous acts are a form of abuse. Your WW has been lying to your face for years. Lying and then lying some more. That alone is abuse. She also placed your physical health at substantial risk from STD's. That's willful neglect and abuse. She privileged her own comfort and desires over yours, essentially keeping you in a cage these past many years while she denied the truth. I could go on.

Ask: What would you advise another person to do who has been placed in an unsafe situation of abuse?

You might read:

-How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair (a short book that will demonstrate to you the contrast between your WW and a remorseful wayward spouse -- perhaps your WW has it in her to do what the book recommends. I hope so.)

-Cheating in a Nutshell (another short book that details the storm now happening in your mind and body -- and how you can think about it and cope with it)

-No More Mr. Nice Guy (another short book that could assist you in spotting areas where you might be falling into "nice guy" feedback loops and thinking traps)

-The Way of the Superior Man (another short book to re-center your own masculinity and purpose, which should be independent of your now tarnished wife)

All of these books can each be read in a day.

I would also set up an appointment with a divorce attorney (consults now usually cost about $500) so that you can better understand the divorce process. Your feeling now is not to divorce. That's good. I can tell you I did this late last year and it made a tremendous difference in how I see things now. It made the abstract tangible and helped me begin planning what a divorce would look like. It also helps you better understand D vs. R and makes your decision making a bit more clear whatever you decide to do.

I would schedule an appointment with a betrayal trauma specialist for individual counseling if you can find one in your area. You have been subjected to dire and severe betrayal trauma, among the worst experiences a human can endure. You need help.

Lastly, you might read about and consider a therapeutic separation of several weeks, perhaps 30 days. Ask her to move out and stay with her parents. If she can't stay faithful during this time, it's a great stress test for exactly how remorseful she is.

This can provide you with perspective about what you want, get a glimpse of life without her, and put you in a place of mental and physical safety where you are not constantly re-triggered by her presence. EDIT: You are leaning toward remaining together, so a therapeutic separation is just something to keep in your pocket as an option for you if you begin to feel differently.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:57 PM, Friday, September 17th]

THis is a new dday. Things just got worse. THE roller coaster has began again. Of course your confused

Not only did you give her the grace of R. But she continued to lie and control for all those years. She took that forgiveness. And lied again. That’s a hard reality.

In my case I never had proof. But it was very clear he cheated. With him never admitting it, I could hold onto hope. I could maybe believe I was wrong. I could still see him thru my eyes. The man I loved. The same man I married. Who I believed he was.

Then the proof happened. I saw how I had been hanging on. Denial. I saw who he was.

I hated the truth. I hated him for being so dishonest. I hated I had to divorce him. I could never be the same. He could never be the same. I felt it made it all worse.

I’m divorced now. I still can’t wrap my head around it.

My point was about divorce. You might never want one. You might have to

I needed to establish trust with her again. In my mind she had been protecting them, not me, all these years by not answering my questions. We were supposed to be married. Married people 'should' have a trust that goes... so much further. When she explained in GREAT DETAIL what I basically knew but didn't really know (we all will make up stories to fit the information we have whether true or not) it hit me like a ton of bricks. But... she was honest. NO ONE would be that honest unless they have a divorce wish, are sick in the head, or just mean spirited. She was being honest with me in a way that truly showed me remorse for what she had done. She wasn't holding onto those details any longer. They weren't hers anymore, they were ours.

That's wonderful. I wish more WS's could realize the importance of establishing HONESTY with their BS. It doesn't matter if we want all the details or only some. What matters is that we KNOW that our WS is finally willing to be completely open with us. Once that happens, emotional intimacy can be restored.

Very happy for you.

If you have not forgiven her after this time you have limited options. Divorce being one.

You found out additional details last year. I know that hurt and added to your pain. These additional details are just details that were — in your words — not really néw but just something newly admitted by her.

Only you know how you feel and the gut punch you just received.

But if you had forgiven her — I’m not saying you must do that — these new details may have had less of an impact.