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The long road...

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 moonmatt (original poster New Member #44309) posted at 9:57 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Yesterday was the day I finally found out the final details of my wife's multiple affairs that began back in 2011 and ended in April 2014 (7-5/12 years ago). I could talk about the pain I feel, the tears I cried, but I've done that already before. You see it took over 5-3/4 years to get her to admit that she had been more physical than she originally alluded to. This is after many attempts on my part to get her to admit them so that healing could begin. She was open yesterday which I appreciated. To hear what she had engaged in and how many times broke me down. I had always knew something occurred. It was hard for us both. She was my one and only and now... now I share her with others. I ended up getting in my car and driving. At first it was to no where specific. But then I remembered a new park out in the country had opened and I just needed to see God's creation. I walked out on a floating dock to just... breath. Let some more tears go and just feel the wind on my face.

My question to the group is knowing what I know now I feel divorce is a real solution. I had kicked it around over the years but was to weak to pull the trigger because of my girls (15, 12). I didn't want to do that to them. I didn't want to be another statistic. I wanted to honor my vows but now it feels different. I had found it hard to look at her since she admitted back in Jan 2020 that more had happened. She admitted that freely but yesterday was, "The Details". She freely answered my questions until I didn't or couldn't (I just was too emotionally broken) ask anymore. I don't know if I could ever look at her romantically again. I'm sure she would feel betrayed if I now sprang divorce on her after she admitted the details when I asked and after 7-5/12 years since D-day. Is there anyone out there who's gone through the same thing that then stayed? Were you able to finally reconnect to your spouse this way?

Me: 46,
Her: 42,
Girls: 15 and 12

posts: 35   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Avon, IN
id 8688328
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 11:04 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

I am so very sorry you had a huge dday - and make no mistake, this is dday1 all over again. Please be kind to yourself right now and give yourself some grace.

Take time to really think about what YOU want. Not what is best for the marriage, or your kids, or your ww, but YOU. And if the end answer there is divorce, then my advice is to get it done as quickly and amicably as possible.

Your ww can feel 'betrayed' all she wants, but the facts are that divorce was and is always a potential outcome of her decision to cheat on you. You don't 'owe' her to stick around or to spare her the consequences of her decision.

I ended up divorcing my wh, because even though it took me time to get there in my own self, cheating was a deal-breaker for me and I was never going to be able to look at him the same way. Making that decision sucked hugely, and it was hard and heart-breaking. I didn't want to get divorced, but in the end it was what I needed in order to move on and heal. I carry no guilt about making that choice, and I don't regret it one bit.

Hang in there and please take care of yourself.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8688336
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 1:22 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Your ww can feel 'betrayed' all she wants, but the facts are that divorce was and is always a potential outcome of her decision to cheat on you.

This is the bottom line.

Another thing that is telling to me. You say 7-5/12 years ago. That is very specific. And very telling. You didn't round it to 7-1/2 or a little over 7 years or 7ish years. You were very specific. To me [someone just over 4 years from DDay 1 and not quite 3 years from DDays 2/3 and ~6 months from when we had to send a Cease and Desist due to LTAPs cyber stalking] that speaks volumes.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3263   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8688361
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WishidleftHer ( New Member #78703) posted at 1:28 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

I'm so sorry.
You need to do what's right for you. If you can't look at your WW without feeling hurt, it may be time to leave. As for you children, they know there's problems between you two. Separating may be the best for all of you.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Upstate NY
id 8688362
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 2:38 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

I could never see staying in this betrayed-furled marriage. Neither should the kids because they were equally betrayed. They deserve to be happy as well.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4441   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8688378
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ButAnyway ( New Member #79085) posted at 4:38 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

The answer is simple, but far from easy … what does YOUR GUT tell you when you look in the mirror?

Be true to YOURSELF!!!

In my experience, as long as I do that, I’m good with the outcome.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8688390
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Organic2003 ( Member #69811) posted at 5:38 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Dear (((Moon))),

This probably should have been posted in the JFO forum. In reality you just found out and this affair just happened yesterday in your mind.

Now take some time for yourself. You finally have the truth you have been asking for, looking for and really in your gut knew, that is a good thing. Many here believe it is impossible to R without the truth. It is truly shameful that she has lied for all these years making you feel crazy, but it is par for the course. I am glad the rugsweeping has started to end, if real R was ever going to happen it had to start with the truth.

I don't see any posts on how your marriage has been or how she acted when she came clean. Does she want to save the marriage. Is she different now than five years ago. Does she feel your pain (remorse)?

Please take some time to make this life changing decision.

DearPeggy com is full of resources for you as is the healing library here on SI.

Your wife must read- "How to Help heal your Spouse after an Affair". The book is short and to the point.

You might want to read a book on how to build a better marriage after this heartbreak. (I know the pain)

"The Monogamy Myth" by Peggy Vaughan she was one of the foremost researchers on infidelity.

I don't know your whole story but do hope the very best for you and your family in what may be the worst time in your entire life.

EDIT I just found all your posts in the archives, wow you have been in trauma for years. I also have a serial cheating WW and terminal cancer. I see you are a man of great faith with posts talking about God and your desire to be far from her. For me as much pain my WW has caused me and the daily trauma I relive. I still desire to see her as my wife in paradise. That is how I am currently trying R. I know God will relieve my pain in a few years and I hope to be with my WW cleaned up and beautiful when she arrives.

May you find the Happiness you Deserve.

Orgainic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 6:11 AM, Tuesday, September 14th]

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 137   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8688392
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Sanibelredfish ( Member #56748) posted at 4:18 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

MM, I’m sorry to hear that your suspicions were confirmed. That truly sucks.

For the last 7 5/12 years your WW has been trying to control the outcome of her A. Unfortunately, she’s been successful and that suggests she hasn’t been truly remorseful. You’ve essentially Just Found Out the true nature of her A, and you’ve been reconciling under false circumstances. That this development could change how you feel about her and your marriage is completely understandable and rational. Consider separating from her to discern what is the best path forward for you and your girls.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2017   ·   location: Midwest
id 8688440
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:33 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

What led to the revelations? If you promised not to D if she came clean, you might have to break your promise. That means you may have to work on forgiving yourself, but you do not have to doom yourself to staying with someone you do not want to be with.

You can R, and you can D. Since you can do either, my reco is to figure out what you want and go for that.

I agree this is a new d-day. You might be in shock; from what you write, you are in shock. Human beings tend not to be at their best while in shock, so my reco, too, is to take your time deciding. Lust is part of what made me choose R, but I didn;t have to endure TT and the dishonesty, disrespect, and dis-love that comes with TT. Very often it's not the As that cause the M to end; it's the WS's behavior after d-day that kills it.

What have you done to heal during these last 7 years and 5 months? The fact that you're o specific on dates makes me think you may have a lot of stored up pain that you have to process. If I'm right, whether you D or R, you need to process any stored up pain to get back to being able to feel joy. If you don't process it out of your body, it will take away from any joy you feel.

IOW, D is not an easy way out of pain, if that's what you're looking for.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25978   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8688454
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