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Telling People

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 EllaC (original poster New Member #79253) posted at 1:48 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

My WH is living in a different city now. We are separated but every time I bring up getting lawyers (I already have one but he doesn’t) he drags his feet. He’s been telling our friends in his city that we’re "going through something" and everyone gives him sympathy.

Anyone I talk to gets the real version. He cheated on me with his a 29 year old employee and our family friend and moved her into his place in his city while I was stuck overseas taking care of our kids because we couldn’t move during Covid. That he’s a cheater and a liar and blew up our lives for this opportunistic skank.

I hate that he’s acting like this is some mutual issue and we’re "taking time apart". I know he’s furious that I tell anyone who asks what really happened but I don’t care. I just worry about it getting back to our kids but I have no interest in protecting him other than that. He has a big job and a big reputation but as far as I’m concerned he’s the one who endangered his image with his disgusting behaviour, not me for telling people what he did.

I hate that he can still make me feel guilty even though all the guilt lies with him.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: Toronto
id 8688141
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 2:24 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

If you've decided to D, why wait? If you file, he'll get a lawyer for himself.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. IMO, telling the people the truth is the right thing to do, if it comes up in conversation. The feelings are natural - but I think the truth hurts less than lies.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25978   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8688145
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 2:35 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

As long as you are civil when telling the truth of what he did, there is nothing to worry about getting back to your kids. (I am hoping they have been informed on the basic logistics at least of what is going on in their lives with their father). I always tried to keep in mind that the Ass Cheater is my sons father so I always speak respectfully of him because of that, but stating facts is not being disrespectful if it comes up.

The divorce isn't something you do together. YOU divorce him. Then the lawyers hash out what an acceptable legal deal is.

I hate the reframing cheaters do! Of course it was mutual and not due to anything he did. Don't be surprised as the divorce wears on if it becomes completely your fault. Uggh such children.

Take care and good luck.

posts: 619   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8688147
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 2:37 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

I believe he's doing that because he's embarrassed. It's self-preservation more than anything. All you can do is continue to tell your side when you get the opportunity and things will take care of their self.

If you are 100% serious on D. File now and force the issue, this isn't something that you both have to agree on. He'll either lawyer up or he'll continue to hide his head and have no representation. At this point it shouldn't be your concern if he does or does not.

posts: 54   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688148
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Sofarsogood ( Member #71991) posted at 3:18 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

If my husband did what your WH has done/been doing to you, I would've already filed for divorce. Is he dragging his feet for financial reasons? Has he found out the grass isn't greener? I don't know if you've sought IC (individual counseling), but from what you've posted, he isn't the same man you made vows to. Maybe reflect on what you need so you can enjoy the rest of your life.

posts: 272   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8688151
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 EllaC (original poster New Member #79253) posted at 3:22 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

I am doing IC.

I don’t know why I’m not just lawyering up. I’m still in shock I guess. And uncertain about everything. I want to keep my house, I need a car, I’m worried about him tying up finances. I have been a SAHM for 18 years. Our savings and investments are hopelessly entangled. He is not the man I married at all and I just don’t know what to expect.

It all just makes me want to put my head down and cry.

[This message edited by EllaC at 3:22 PM, Sunday, September 12th]

posts: 13   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: Toronto
id 8688152
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 3:44 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

This is why you need to talk to a lawyer. They will help give you a picture of what post D will look like financially.

posts: 54   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688155
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 8:29 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

I missed your d-day. 5 weeks out is a horrible period. You're probably still in shock. File when you're ready.

Be kind to yourself. Putting your head down and crying is probably one of the best things you can do.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25978   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8688181
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leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 8:43 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

My XH didn't want to tell anybody, and I'm guessing he didn't want to confess to having an affair. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the Starbucks near our home and one of the baristas said, "hey, I hear you're moving to X." XH had told them all about his upcoming move to another state but not bothering to mention anything about our D or that he was moving in with his new schmoopie.

Our families and friends know the know the truth. Anybody else gets a phrase my aunt used - He preferred his women in quantity rather than quality.

Hang in there because it does get better.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 634   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8688183
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 1:27 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Hi Ella, i am sorry it is hard. I wish I could give you a hug.

Don’t protect him, he wants not to feel like the bad guy, and likes the sympathy. None of which is deserved.

I kept my husbands secret for several months. I felt like a liar to everyone I loved , so I made him tell the kids. At some point they need to know. My kids were around 19 and 22. It was hard, but I couldn’t hide it anymore, it was ripping me apart. And it was the truth. Not a sugar coated "we are having problems". But zero details.

I think your wh is ashamed and hiding from the truth. It really is an ugly stage, lots of anger fuelled by shame and guilt.

So honey, start sharing reality, and let the world and him deal. Unless there is a financial reason for YOU, do what you need.

He needs to own the pile of steaming shit he created.

Hugs.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8688214
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:23 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

EllaC


I want to keep my house, I need a car, I’m worried about him tying up finances. I have been a SAHM for 18 years. Our savings and investments are hopelessly entangled.


The above is the reason you should get your attorney on the ball ASAP.
In Toronto there is an "all things equal" stance in divorce. Basically all property acquired in the marriage is marital property as is all income, savings, pensions, stocks… So there is really no "my house" but an "our house". Just like there is no "my account", "my income" or "my savings". It’s all OURS.

What this means is that MAYBE you get the house in D, but at the very least you will get half the value of the equity in the house, plus half the value of his pension, half the value of the savings, half the value of his BMW… Once you reach that part – where all possessions become numbers in an Excel sheet – you can decide to forfeit your share in his pension for his share in the house (or whatever).
The key to this is to have some cards to negotiate with…

If your marriage has been one where he manages the savings, money, debts etc to-date then chances are he can manipultate finances to his advantage these days… A simple example: He could possibly use marital funds to pay the outstanding balance on a credit-card that is solely in his name, while paying minimum on a joint card.

What formally notifying him of your intent to divorce does is that it determines a date from when he is extra accountable for financial transactions. I don’t know if that requires filing or simply an attorneys letter notifying him of your intent, but that’s what your attorney will help you deal with.


He MIGHT still try some monkey-business, but the big difference can be this:
If I stick to my credit-card example above. If he did this today – before you file – you might have to sue him or enter some legal battle to get those funds back. Once you file and he’s been notified then he would possibly be in contempt of the court if he did this. The judge could easily compensate the amount by issuing you a larger share of the house.

On the telling people issue: Simply state the truth in as few words as possible: I am filing because he cheated.
The details, names etc don’t really matter.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8688240
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