Elbell (original poster Member #25814) posted at 7:40 PM on Monday, September 6th, 2021
Today I am 51. I was up at 3:00 a.m. (the deadly hour) terrified of my future. My WH has been having an A for the last 2-3 years and when I finally caught him shopping and having ice cream with her at midnight about 1 mo. ago, he immediately moved in with her. He's a serial cheater - I know of at least 3 other infidelities and 2 of those had enormous consequences, one even lost him his 30 year career. Dude has issues. My horrifying thoughts at 3 a.m. were along the lines of how different this A is, and how it feels like an exit affair; they are living together with two good incomes, they could potentially spend a lot to sue me for custody of our kids and continue to play house with my kids being their "score"... that's prettymuch the Big Fear. I've never been one to care much about my money situation and I'm frugal, but I'm sick to my stomach thinking of losing my children.
But by the grace of God my adult daughter and her husband (and my adorable grandbabies) live in an apartment attached to our house, and this morning we had a great talk about the reality of how much this birthday sucks and they expressed tremendous support. That will go down as the best birthday gift under the circumstances - the transparency we all have (me and my 2 adult children and 2 minor children) and the continual confirmation that - NO - this is not my fault and it's not ok.
Yesterday when WH came to get the kids to spend the night, I told him why I don't want him coming over to celebrate my birthday. I told him I'm heartbroken and that having him here acting like we are family makes it that much harder when the reality is that he goes "home" to her. He said, (try not to hurl a little in your mouth), "if you could only know how benign this relationship is!" (Meaning, they are obviously just friends, no sex). I totally ignored the indication that their relationship is not sexual because it doesn't matter and I said, "THERE IS NOTHING BENIGN ABOUT LEAVING YOUR FAMILY". His response was a slow head-shake back and forth, almost as if to say "you don't get it". Then I said, "There is nothing about this that is ok." More slow head shake. Then I gave up, there is no reasoning with an alcoholic in their cups, and there is no reasoning with someone addicted to infidelity on his high either.
BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 8:10 PM on Monday, September 6th, 2021
Happy Birthday, ElBell. My XWH moved out a couple days before my 50th— i get it. But the clarity of being better off without him and having the support of your family is indeed a beautiful gift.
See a lawyer immediately - understand the real risks of him getting custody of your minor kids. If they are teens, then they will have a say in most states, I think.
Knowledge is power, so learn what your financial situation is and what risks there are not being legally separated or divorced. You will have fewer unknowns and that is a gift you give yourself.
Treat yourself today and know that you will have many more amazing birthdays!
Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:58 PM on Monday, September 6th, 2021
Your birthday gift to yourself is standing up to him.
Liars will never admit the truth. Just know that. Even if you have black and white evidence some liars will never admit anything.
So it’s ok that he left his family for someone who is not the OW. She is "just a friend". 😂 ROFLMAO
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
LostOpportunities20 ( Member #74401) posted at 8:32 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021
A belated Happy Birthday!
Hopefully you and your wonderful kids and grandkids had a great time.
BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009
Confessed the first, I caught her the second.
R only in as much as we'll stick it out. Too late to start over.
Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 10:01 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021
One thing that happens when you reach 50 is that you start to reclaim your time back.
Your kids grow and depend less and less on necessary services, so interaction tends to develop into them wanting to be around you. That in turn allows you to control so much more: your time, what’s for dinner, what to do, when to do it… Personally I have enjoyed my years since turning 50 possibly more than the years between 30 and 50, although being the glass half full type of person I have generally enjoyed all of life.
Have you filed? Have you started that process?
If not then why not? You state that you woke up in the middle of the night fearful of what he might do. Well… why not beat him to it? Why not talk to a competent attorney and get a clear view of your rights. The more time you give him the better he can distance himself from you and prepare for a tough fight.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 7:42 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021
If it is an exit affair that is the best thing he could have done for you. He has cheated on you repeatedly. You are having a hard time walking away which I understand. Are you in IC? It is saving my life.
Your adult daughter and her family sound wonderful. If you don't have an attorney yet, get one. And find out the facts about custody. We stress so much about things that will never happen. Calling myself on that as much as anyone else! Also, a lot of time when the cheater is out, they want to play single.
Hang in there!!
Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers