He’s been stuck in that place and I’m helpless to do anything to change him. I get more upset when he does have moments of being emotional or vulnerable and he does want intimacy, it’s very one sided and afterwards it is back to the coldness which makes me feel used and upset.
Some in your place are happy they have a chance. It's not for everyone though, so if you feel used, discontinue. Feeling used is because he's had sex with you, but not intimate sex possibly. If this doesn't cut it for you, it's your option to decline.
I always acknowledge how I caused this pain but reiterate that I love him and want to R more than anything. He doubts my authenticity because he seems to still think the AP was some true love of mine. How could I want my H when I did that to him? This thought pattern justifies to him his treating me as if I’m not even there.
It's pretty typical for him to think AP was a love of yours. The thinking is if another man was enough for you to risk losing him, your family and marriage, then love or something very close to it was probable. If you tell him you love him (husband) after protecting yourself with lies, it's unreasonable for him to separate truth from non-truths. Just consider this so that you can manage your expectations.
I truly do want R but I only want it if it’s authentic.
What does authenticity look like for you and how does that look to you?
The question implies he hasn't been authentic so he'll have to be told he's being inauthentic.
Does being authentic on his part mean not bringing the affair up?
Does it mean he is forgiving and if so what does forgiveness look like to you?
Outside of authenticity, what else is required of HIM will you need.
Have you asked him what is expected of you?
It’s hard for me to feel like he’s ever going to love me again the way I want and need. I’m so confused day to day because he’ll talk to me about our house construction as if I’m his partner and always wants my input on his revenge plans when he’s not lying to me about what he’s doing, but then we have zero other connections.
I understand this considering he's told you this. Not throwing darts here but this is the default consequence of infidelity. Not much, if anything is the same. He will not love you the same or with the significance that satisfies your needs. Some couples can reconcile with this and others can't. You'll have to make a choice here.
He never makes eye contact with me and he seems quite content that i sleep in the other room.
Again, another result of infidelity. I can relate to this, having been cheated on a couple of times. It was my inability to make eye contact that confirmed the end of my engagement with my x. I could not look at the person that thoughtfully and premeditatedly betrayed me. Eye contact for me was a form of self-betrayal, which I wasn't going to do. Eye contact is meaningful. It means for me you are accepting of that person and commits to engage with them. I could not do that with the person that disregarded my love for them. I'm not suggesting your husband is thinking this, but just giving you alternative thoughts to consider from my own personal experience.
He acts as if he can live like this forever or until the kids are out of the house, and Ive been trying to be patient and endure for the kids sake and to give him time to heal, but it just isn’t happening and I feel like I want to give up.
Everyone has a different threshold of pain and endurance. If you want to give up and are truly done, file.
I get so confused since I’m the WW I feel so much guilt but I also feel it’s more damaging staying together at this point. He just won’t budge.
The question that comes to my mind when I read this is where is he in his healing journey? Assuming zero is the starting point and 100 is where he has emotionally healed to a heathy state (defined by an infidelity or trauma specialist) where does your husband stand? It says here on SI that reconciliation can't happen without recovering. If he's in the middle of the recovery process while reconciling, then your expectations are off the mark.
Furthermore, if your patience is thin and your timetable doesn't sync with his, then you will have to make the hard decision to separate and divorce. The problem is even BS don't know there own timetable so it'll be blind faith on your part. Speaking of blind faith, he too is exhibiting blind faith just by being with you but he's not all-in yet. It's not possible to be all-in if he's still thinking he's inferior to your AP. Remember, it doesn't matter what you tell him, BS can only go by actions and the actions they draw upon were your activities with the AP. It's etched in his memory and will take a long while to manage in such a way that he can surrender his heart once again.
I feel so awkward in my own home - everything in it as I look around seems like it won’t be mine soon so I find it impossible to just exist like this.
Have you told him this and has he told you how he feels during the affair and now?
He was happy with just 1 child and resented the times I was at work and he had to care for the kids because he felt I was putting my career over the kids
Women have done this for years and have done so with dignity, grace and not complained. It's the world of one income households. Marriage means some stuff is going to be one-sided at times. Just like I don't have sympathy for wives or husbands who cheat due to their husbands or wives working late hours. Personally, I don't know anyone that LOVES working late, traveling, commuting and being away from their families. I've never met one although I'm sure they exist. Working a job that is demanding and stressful is also a lonely existence where you long to be with your family at the dinner table.
I also just felt so uncomfortable being next to someone I knew didn’t want me there.
Remember, it's not that he didn't want you there. He didn't want the person that cheated on him there. Important to empathize (not accept) with the difference.
his anger was so overwhelming that my issues just fell to the wayside.
Post infidelity and surviving it means your issues will be subordinate for periods of time. To progress, this will have to be accepted with extraordinary patience and love.
I also think the reason my IC encourages a healing separation is to try to jar my BH into changing.
Has your husband or IC required you to be jarred into changing anything?
But the OMW found out about the A before my H and there was a period of TT where BH wanted to talk to OMW to compare stories and she lied to him about the extent of things in an effort to protect her H.
What's or who is your husband's truth source aside from you? If one doesn’t exist, then certainly you understand his inability to move forward, no? Truth is required to be the foundation. If he doesn’t think he has it, then no foundation exists for him to rebuild the relationship perhaps?
BH often says that he doesn’t even think he desires having a true partnership with anyone again, that it’s too late for him for that. I don’t believe that’s true, I’m sure it’s the hurt talking, but I know that I really want a true partnership.
You may not believe it but it's very important that you believe him today, September 28, 2021, and should be used as a measure of the depth of his pain and despair. What he is saying is, he's broken and from his perspective his heart is unfixable.