BH says that while he wants the family because it’s everything he worked for and thinks it’s best for the kids, he can’t get past what happened, he can’t see me the same way
He told you his purpose in staying married. It's not a request for R.
Ive been trying to be patient and endure for the kids sake and to give him time to heal, but it just isn’t happening and I feel like I want to give up. I’m scared of wasting more years of my life just for him to realize he can’t forgive me and then move on himself. I get so confused since I’m the WW I feel so much guilt but I also feel it’s more damaging staying together at this point. He just won’t budge.
And these are not a request for R either.
Actually, in all your writing, I didn't see any indication that you loved him.
You had an affair and then you justified it. And now you say you're in R, and all you're talking about are justifications to give it up. This seems like the optimal solution. But he was the bad guy when you cheated, and now he's the bad guy because you can't R. Do what you want to do, but stop portraying him as a villain. So much so that some of the members here have become insulting to him and to members who approach him with empathy. Based only on the portrait you drew. This is not faire.
The words you say here are shown as proof that you love him and that you did all the right things to reconcile but he didn't react properly. How can it be so easily accepted that reality is the way you see it, even if you're probably not lying?
If your story was shared on JFO, it would be said you are "rewriting the history of marriage," but here you are proven right.
We are expected to believe that a person who has cheated on her husband, despite all his warnings, truly loves her husband.
Your expressions still reflect the wayward mind.
You just want to stay in a marriage out of guilt. You have emotionally killed your marriage, your family, your husband, at least finish what you started, do it legal.
That's pretty much what I wanted to say. Actually, I was going to write a few days ago, but I didn't get the chance. Everything I wrote this morning on the phone was also deleted accidentally, this is a sloppy summary of it. Meanwhile, I saw Booyah write exactly what I was thinking. I don't understand why he was warned, when there are others here who disrespect every opinion they disagree with.
I will not finish without writing a few things that I want to mention.
The actual A did not last long (few months total) but the lead up to it was longer. There were times when my BH could see it coming based on texts he saw and warned me that things could go wrong if I didn’t put up some boundaries. I was initially good at those boundaries and thought I was able to navigate the situation.
Here you wrote as if he saw something you couldn't see and warned you. And you wrote it as if something you never thought of had happened to you. See what I mean with expressing wayward mentality?
It didn't happen, you did it.
These were decisions that were made deliberately and voluntarily from beginning to end. And what does "navigate the situation" mean? At what stage were you thinking of returning; from the side of the bed?
To what extent do you think it was right, where did the wrong start?
I don't expect you to go back in time and undo what you did. But you have to own the responsibility and the consequences of it.
You say it but you do not. Otherwise, you wouldn't have come here and complained about your husband's inability for R. Instead, you would question yourself what you were missing. Because, if that's possible (and it might not), it's your job. And if it's not, you are the one who must to take responsibility for it and admit that YOU CAUSED ALL THIS, not blame your husband for not being able to reconcile.
The other thing I want to mention is that contrary to what others have said, RA is not always cheating. Sex with someone else is not always equal to cheating. Cheating is what you do. Your BH did this not secretly, but specifically to let you know, to hurt you. I don't find it right but don't consider it as cheating either.
If I were him, I would have divorced you already. Not after DDay, when I saw you ignored me and continued your inappropriate communication with AP even though I warned you. Actually, depending on the degree of impropriety, it might have been enough for you to do so, and I might not have expected you to not continue. So there would be no need for RA.
Am I really like that? Yes, I've been like this for a long time, I don't tolerate being disrespected.