CT - I would not believe it myself if I'd not engaged in absolutely crazy behavior / actions after dday that are completely outside of my "normal" value system. For instance, I could NEVER understand folks who cut or otherwise self harmed... and worse, I had a bit of a judgy attitude about those who did. If someone had told me the trauma reaction would be such that I would put lit cigarettes out on my body, I'd have laughed my arse off. Yet... I DID that - MANY MANY times after my own dday. Another one was times where I would -literally- have to leave the kitchen bc WH was there and all I could think of was how much effort I'd have to use to get the knife in my hand through his breastplate to ensure the blow would be fatal. NEVER, no matter how PO'd I'd been at anyone had I ever had thoughts like that - not only the desire for homicide, but actually contemplating the action required (and TBH, if we had guns in the home, I would say there's probably a better than 50% chance my WH would be dead and I'd be in prison). Or the time I found myself laying in a fetal position, covered in tears & snot, in the middle of a frigging golf course, about 5-6 months post dday. I was an absolute mess, and devoted pretty much all the energy I had to keep lizard brain from taking 100% control (it already had more than 50% control...).
I also came VERY close to my own RA, but somehow managed to come to my senses (or get executive brain back online) and stop...and if I really look back on that day, I think what got me to stop had little/nothing to do with my WH or breaking my vows, but everything to do with the OP being married and I could not do to another woman what my WH's APs did to me. Had he been single? I suspect another >50% chance I'd gone through with it. Maybe that means my values are stronger WRT sleeping with married people than cheating on my husband... maybe not. Or maybe I just didn't have a problem hurting my WH at that point, but could not allow myself to harm an innocent stranger. I don't know. All I DO know is that even tho I didn't have language for it at the time, I was not - by a longshot - in my "right mind" for several months (coincidentally, my acting like someone NOT myself is what tipped off my kid -who didn't live in the home that year- to the M falling apart... they KNEW something was really really wrong with me).
Today, I wouldn't dream of self harm, and have no concern about harming my WH, or any of the many other off the charts (and wholly against my values) behavior I contemplated or engaged in during the first 6-10 months post dday.
And OP - I think ThrowAwayabay makes some solid points, esp this:
You cannot control or change anything he does, so I don't believe you should be focusing on him so much as yourself .. since you only able to change and improve what you do.
For whatever reason, and no matter "who started it", your BH does not seem capable at this juncture to work on himself, find a path to healing and recovery, etc. A WS cannot R alone any more than a BS can.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:51 PM, Monday, October 4th]