Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Sad & Frustrated: A Dialog

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 CaptainRogers (original poster Member #57127) posted at 4:13 AM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

Today was a very long day. I generally try to have 10 business/client meetings throughout my week. I did 5 of those today. A week after getting over COVID. I'm exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally.

It's been several weeks since our last MC session (we were 2-3 weeks between, but COVID canceled our session last week & it isn't on the calendar for the next one yet). I would say that there has been a fair amount of growth since we re-started MC earlier this year. Tonight's dialog is a good example.

Getting home after 8, my wife could see that I was clearly worn out. She also asked if I was sad about anything. I told her yes, I'm sad. She asked if it was about her. I said more or less. She asked what that meant.

Me: Three of my five meetings today all told me the infidelity stories in their lives.

Mrs. Cap: I'm sorry. Ill bet that was hard.

Me: It was. The hardest part is not being able to show empathy. I'd love to be able to say "I'm so sorry. I know that must have been hard on you." but I can't do that. I have to sit there with my poker face on. Otherwise, I know that they will be able to read it all over my face as well.

MC: I'm sorry that you can't connect with your clients because of what I did.

Me: I know. It's just one of those unintended consequences.

*******

I will say that Mrs. Cap handled that 1000x better than she used to. A. she had an actual conversation about it, and 2. she didn't find some way to blame me or to defend herself. Definite progress there. But, onto the real purpose of my writing this evening.

I hate those unintended consequences. It just sucks that there are so many things that we as the BS have to deal with, all because of the choices our WS made with absolutely no regard for us whatsoever. It's frustrating and all part of that sandwich we are force-fed. Just once, I'd like to have life say "you know what Cap...I'm giving you a break on this one." Maybe there are breaks I don't know about or realize. But dadgummit, I just want that break shown to me at some point.

Yes, I'm tired. I'm exhausted, really. I need to sleep. But today took a lot out of me.

That's all.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3005   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8685673
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 4:45 AM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

Nothing more I can say than: I’m sorry. That sucks. Hope tomorrow is better.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3166   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8685675
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hopefull77 ( Member #43221) posted at 7:46 AM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

I think most of us can relate ...
I'm sorry...
Hope you feel better soon...

me-BS him-WS3 adult childrenmarried a long timeLTA 2010-2012D-day - 11-2012 status - reconciling and very hopeful

" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now."

posts: 2867   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2014   ·   location: sunny california
id 8685684
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Member #56915) posted at 12:50 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

Well on the bright side Mrs. Cap is showing a change and that's what you've wanted all along. Maybe this is the break you seek but it is hidden under the guise of the sh#t sandwich and COVID recovery.

I'm so sorry you had COVID. Have you been able to source from where you caught it? How awful and I'm sorry.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8685727
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3yrsout ( Member #50552) posted at 1:46 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

Yup. It is such a thought free experience to be a WS and stick around. They just decide who they prefer and rugsweep some shame. I guess they do have to listen to us bitch without telling us it’s our fault. Meanwhile, as a BS it is a daily mental exercise to not flee. And if you actually want to do more than just physically remain in the same household with your WS, it’s like some String Theory higher level shit.

Upside…. Hmmmm…. It won’t hurt as bad when they die? I know I’ll be okay alone. I already mourned the loss and had my heart broken, so there isn’t anymore left for my WS. It’s like I had a certain amount of compassion and feelings and I used them all up in that daily struggle to not run away.

Another unforeseen upside- I’ve decided never again to pursue a partner, even when he dies or leaves. The payoff fucking sucked. Shitty ROI. Would not purchase again. Had lifetime guarantee, but got sold something else and couldn’t return it. Wasn’t worth the return postage to send it back. 1/10 would not recommend. Hurts too much. And all that mental work to not run screaming out of my own house…..

posts: 528   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8685732
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 CaptainRogers (original poster Member #57127) posted at 2:34 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

Well on the bright side Mrs. Cap is showing a change and that's what you've wanted all along.

And that truly is the positive out of it, ISSF. Six months ago, she would have either walked away when I said that I was sad or she would have put up some sort of defense to why it shouldn't bother me anymore.

I'm so sorry you had COVID. Have you been able to source from where you caught it? How awful and I'm sorry.

Wasn't an absolutely horrible experience. More like a head cold for about a week with 2 days of flu stuck in the middle. Now it's mostly dealing with the lingering fatigue.

As to the where, my #2 daughter brought it home after going to a coffee shop she went to with her small group leader. So, either someone working at the shop, hanging out at the shop, or her small group leader passed it along.

It's pretty simple. Don't go be around people if you don't feel well.

I started feeling the head cold part on a Friday afternoon, so I came home. Didn’t feel any better Saturday,, so I canceled my adult Sunday school.

Monday, I took the at-home test, it showed positive, so I canceled everything for the week. As far as I can tell, I didn't spread it anywhere.

If people would just use common sense and common courtesy...

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3005   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8685761
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3yrsout ( Member #50552) posted at 11:52 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

FYI one of the issues is that people can shed the virus for up to five days before symptoms begin. (MD here).

posts: 528   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8685906
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Oldwounds ( Member #54486) posted at 5:33 PM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

I feel all of that - although I can’t blame my general fatigue on COVID, I just feel tired most days.

I am glad your wife is finally showing some level of sensitivity for your feelings. You had to wait an extraordinary amount of time for that.

Unintended consequences aside, life is far more uphill than it needs to be. Infidelity wasn’t an adversity I thought I’d be dealing with and it’s quite an anchor to haul around. I guess I’ve learned to put that burden down more often now.

Your Cub fandom is a solid metaphor in this case. A lifetime of struggle and one beautiful moment to celebrate their day in the sun.

I don’t mean to suggest that for life itself we only get one break. I think more good days are on the way, for all of us. I can say the rewards of seeing my now adult sons do good things is a pretty cool positive focus.

And I also understand it’s tough to focus on the good stuff.

I get better at it all the time. A little better, a little stronger each day with my eyes on rebuilding my M. I appreciate my family — that I helped hold together — and that I can start planning a spring training trip to Sarasota, FL next spring and watch my O’s rebuild from their own horror show run the last few years (and yes! I did see Trey Boom Boom Mancini’s cool moment, but on TV in the new place here).

You have earned some peace and some rest — you spent all that energy trying to hold the line for YEARS hoping your wife would would truly own some part of the damage she has caused.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4175   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8686002
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 CaptainRogers (original poster Member #57127) posted at 6:01 PM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

Planning my own Spring Training trip next Feb/March. My oldest is going to school in Phoenix and their spring homecoming/parent weekend just so happens to fall at the right time of year. 😁

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3005   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8686005
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 7:57 PM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

FYI one of the issues is that people can shed the virus for up to five days before symptoms begin.

Symantics, it is not 'shed' which leads people to think it hangs around for days. It is breathed out. It remains in the air for a very limited time. I get what you are saying though, people may not know they were sick so you can't directly blame them.

Me:The hardest part is not being able to show empathy. I'd love to be able to say "I'm so sorry. I know that must have been hard on you." but I can't do that. I have to sit there with my poker face on. Otherwise, I know that they will be able to read it all over my face as well.

It is so hard because it feels inauthentic. It is an awful consequence. That is a tough price to pay.

Take care.

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8686013
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Oldwounds ( Member #54486) posted at 8:20 PM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

Planning my own Spring Training trip next Feb/March. My oldest is going to school in Phoenix and their spring homecoming/parent weekend just so happens to fall at the right time of year.

Nice! It’s good to have something to look forward to. Spring training is always fun — and the eternal hope of baseball at that time — that sense of renewal, is a big part of the joy for me.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4175   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8686014
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ShortWorld1 ( New Member #77206) posted at 8:15 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Cap

I want to remind you of the day that you decided to capitulate & File for Divorce.

By your own admission, God intervened & prevented you from pulling the triggers

God has PROVEN HIMSELF FAITHFUL & has not let you down. . . . He wants your marriage to be restored and a testimony to many .. . . in our divorce/adultery ravaged society

By His Spirit, He has brought your wife to her senses and has GRANTED YOU YOUR WISH for a better wife.

You need to be vigilant that satan does not get a foothold to rail-road your SEMI-restored marriage, by defiling your spirit with intrusive thoughts of animosity towards your contrite wife, "of late" . . . (ANIMOSITY; which you are rightfully entitled to!!!)

Spend time at His feet and in His presence, so that He can restore your crushed spirit, soul & joy. ONLY WAY BROTHER . . .any shrink can heal your soul, but only God can heal your Spirit. You have to lean on HIS STRENGTH, at this juncture in your marriage. Fulfil the office of High Priest in your household and SERVE your wife with the WORD / pray fervent prayers with her – trust God for a miracle and trust Him with all your might, to turn what the enemy has meant for harm, into a victorious and triumphant testimony of God’s goodness.

I have followed your tale of woes, HEART WRENCHING STUFF . . . but I just KNEW that God would pitch up, when you relented not to file and be OBEDIENT to His Spirit

You have fought many years and appear to be against the ropes . . . . time to call upon the Great Healer to do a complete work of restoration in your life

The joy of the Lord is your strength !!

Heathens, agnostics and bitter people . . . . your bitter retort is uncalled-for

[This message edited by ShortWorld1 at 8:31 PM, Monday, August 30th]

Resolute

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2021   ·   location: South Africa
id 8686280
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 11:37 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Did you tell her how nice it was to get the response you did from her? It may be growth for both of you.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4451   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8686321
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 2:07 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

If I was one of your guy friends, I would pour you a beer and just sit with you in silence.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8686347
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HowCouldSheDoIt ( Member #78431) posted at 5:54 AM on Sunday, September 5th, 2021

If I could do a very fast TJ:

3yrsout:
Another unforeseen upside- I’ve decided never again to pursue a partner, even when he dies or leaves. The payoff fucking sucked. Shitty ROI. Would not purchase again.

Perhaps consider if you met another BS. I will never, ever cheat, and I know there are many out there like me...

Me: BH Early 50's
Her: WW Early 50's
D-Day Nov 2020
Married 21 years before D-Day
3 children
Working toward reconciling. The most difficult thing I've had to do in my life.

posts: 239   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021
id 8687197
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 CaptainRogers (original poster Member #57127) posted at 3:04 PM on Sunday, September 5th, 2021

If I was one of your guy friends, I would pour you a beer and just sit with you in silence.

Appreciate the sentiment, Blue.

You have fought many years and appear to be against the ropes . . . . time to call upon the Great Healer to do a complete work of restoration in your life

Amen, Short!

And don't read too much into the frustration piece. I'm not frustrated with my wife, just the circumstance of having to still deal with things 4 1/2 years later that had nothing to do with my own choices. Sort of like being in an accident where another driver ran a stopsign and years later still walking with a limp. You didn't do anything wrong, but you are paying the price for someone else's bad decision.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3005   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8687212
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ShortWorld1 ( New Member #77206) posted at 8:20 PM on Sunday, September 5th, 2021

You are MORE than an overcomer!

Acts 13:22 . . . . ‘I have found David (Cap if you wish) the son of Jesse, a man after My own heart [conforming to My will and purposes], who will do all My will.’

Matthew 5:8 …Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Matthew 5:9 BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS, FOR THEY WILL BE CALLED SONS OF GOD.
Matthew 5:10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.…

Your testimony of a restored marriage, is going to give the Enemy of Marriages (satan) a hefty blow of defeat

Resolute

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2021   ·   location: South Africa
id 8687238
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ShortWorld1 ( New Member #77206) posted at 8:20 PM on Sunday, September 5th, 2021

You are MORE than an overcomer!

Acts 13:22 . . . . ‘I have found David (Cap if you wish) the son of Jesse, a man after My own heart [conforming to My will and purposes], who will do all My will.’

Matthew 5:8 …Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Matthew 5:9 BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS, FOR THEY WILL BE CALLED SONS OF GOD.
Matthew 5:10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.…

Your testimony of a restored marriage, is going to give the Enemy of Marriages (satan) a hefty blow of defeat

Resolute

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2021   ·   location: South Africa
id 8687239
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