Newest Member: faithfulMan911

New Beginnings :
So here's a thing


 JanaGreen (original poster Member #29341) posted at 5:25 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

ExH and his fiancee are pregnant.

He's almost 47, she's 39. Ex and I share 2 kids (11 and 6) and she has one (11).

My son's newborn time was very difficult for me as ex was basically the opposite of helpful as he just created more problems rather than helping . . . and my son was a very needy baby. He's STILL high-needs, and fiancee I'm pretty sure does almost all the heavy lifting with childcare at their house.

I'm worried about the impact this will have on my kids. At first I was stunned but on further reflection, naw, this is exactly on brand for him. Do something completely irrational, the chips fall where they may, and everyone around him deals with the consequences. This wasn't planned . . . it was a "see what happens."

I hope it turns out ok, and I'm certainly going to be supportive of fiancee, who is sweet, and this baby is my children's future sibling (and a total innocent being) so I'll be nothing but kind ever.

But honestly I feel sorry for everyone involved but ex.

Also when telling me this news, ex made mention of "our difficulties" (I had four miscarriages) and I just felt that was a thoughtless and uneccesary kick in the face.

Ugh. I was very Zen yesterday morning, right up until I returned his call. duh

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8684377

HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 6:26 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

I've made it clear to the exWW that we don't need to discuss anything other than the kids, and how we can support our shared children (rides, scheduling, sports, medical stuff). This cuts out a lot of the noise.

My ex would never tell me they're having a child, or getting married. I suggest you do the same. There are members on here who are just way too involved in their exes lives. Regardless of the infidelity, just look at the way he treats you. WHY do you keep going back for more JG? Why are you talking to him on the phone?

Text what you need, and avoid the calls unless its an emergency. You are way too wrapped up into their lives. Why do you need to support his fiancee? Or I should say why do you feel the need to provide support, show it, or even speak it? Are you going to feel the need to support every single new girlfriend who comes in contact with your exH?

I'm sure she'll be doing fine without the support from you.

I guess what I'm trying to convey to you is, the "thing" is going to come up more frequently for you b/c you haven't completely shut your life off from your exH. You can coparent just fine, without being emotionally invested in everything happening in that household. If your kids are taken care of, let them run their house and life. If you're concerned about the lack of attention your son may be receiving once the new baby is born, you can spend a little more time and reassuring him when he's at your house. This will be helpful to your child, and allows you to free up your own mind/emotions from entangling with the lives of your ex.

posts: 1141   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8684385

HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 6:26 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

double post

[This message edited by HalfTime2017 at 12:27 PM, August 19th (Thursday)]

posts: 1141   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8684386

 JanaGreen (original poster Member #29341) posted at 7:22 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

HalfTime, I get what you're saying generally about detaching, but do you mean if your kids showed up one day and dropped that their mom just had a new baby, that's something you would not have wanted to know in advance? This will have a huge impact on my kids, so I did want to know in advance for sure.

Otherwise, yes, I've been WAY too much in contact with my ex lately, and need to figure out how to dial back.

By supporting his fiancee, I meant send a nice text congratulating her, and I'll get a present for the baby. Not keeping the baby every Thursday so they can do date night. laugh

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:14 PM, Thursday, August 19th]

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8684398

HFSSC ( Member #33338) posted at 4:38 AM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Just saw your post title and was intrigued.

Now I’m just pissed. I swear. I have had a shit-tastic last three weeks and I could be totally up for driving up to your ex’s crib and just stomping on his testicles a few times. That might really make me feel better.

Probably I’ll just sit on the couch all weekend though.

Me, 54
Him, 45 (JMSSC)
Married 24 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4595   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8684662

 JanaGreen (original poster Member #29341) posted at 11:28 AM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021


I do hope things have improved for you!

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8684862

Gottagetthrough ( Member #27325) posted at 5:58 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

First. I am so very sorry he mentioned your angles when he told you about this pregnancy. As a woman who has also had multiple miscarriages, I can imagine how fucking much that hurt.

I had baby 3 at 41. My parents were in their 40s when I was born. My dad was actually your EX’s age. Having a baby over 40 is hard. Physically, you arent the same as you were at 20. For a person like your ex who, im guessing, likes to feel young and desirable and hip… having a baby at 47- jeeze- almost 50! — is NOT the way to do that. laugh The first tine someone asks if he is grandpa will gut him. Hell, it was a sting to ME and IDGAF.

I think he might flake out on all of his kids at some point. This is too much responsibility for someone like him. Or maybe not flake out… but break up with fiance? This is just a huge deal and he is not going to take it well. He will not rise to the occassion.

As for your precious kiddos- you cant do anything about their father, but you can be there for them when he fails , which is something you are already doing.

My oldest is 15 almost 16 and has turned out well despite having a shitty dad. Trying to figure out how to raise my younger boys as a single mom, and how to make them grow up into good men despite having a bad dad themselves, which is scary and difficult.

You and your kids will be ok! Fiance, probably will get cheated on at some point (when she shows? When the baby takes too much time from EX? Who knows…)

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 6:00 PM, Monday, August 23rd]

posts: 3569   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8684927

 JanaGreen (original poster Member #29341) posted at 2:11 AM on Tuesday, August 24th, 2021

Well, she's already been cheated on by him, but not recently that I know of. It'll happen though.

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8685049

EvenKeel ( Member #24210) posted at 2:07 PM on Tuesday, August 24th, 2021

I'm worried about the impact this will have on my kids.

I think it will be ok. My children are 5 years apart. The nice thing about that is my DS was pretty self-sufficient when the baby came along. Meaning - they can self-entertain, get a snack, go to the bathroom alone, etc. So if your Ex's F is busy with the baby while they are there, they will OK. Plus there are two 11-yr olds for helpers.

I think you are right. The fiancée is probably doing all the heavy-lifting and will continue to do so. Poor woman - I know the older I was...the more of a toll that pregnancy took on me.

But that is their problem. You say congrats, buy that cute outfit, send out positive vibes to your children regarding getting a new sibling.....and go on your own way.

posts: 6666   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8685113
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