disgustedbyme (original poster new member #58046) posted at 3:21 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021
Seven years ago today was our first Dday. I lied for years, sexted with random people, lost our house due to me not paying the mortgage, got a DUI, attempted suicide, lost jobs. I've put my husband through a lot. Yet he is still here. He is angry at times but he is still here. He is hurt but he is still here. I do not express my love and appreciation for him the way I should. He is an amazing husband, father and friend. We are working on building a new relationship. He has done all of the lifting to get us here. Betrayed spouses carry the burden for their wayward spouses choices. Seven years is a long time. It's my turn to carry him.
Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 6:59 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021
Did I read this right? Correct me if I got confused by your post. It's been seven years since Dday and you still dont express the love for your BS like you should? And after seven years of him doing the work, you've decided now is a good time to finally step up and shoulder the burden? How does your BS feel about this?
Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.
nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 7:48 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021
How do you plan on stepping up and carrying the burden for him?
disgustedbyme (original poster new member #58046) posted at 1:40 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021
I express love daily for my husband but due to the years of lies he doesn't always feel it. He doesn't believe that I am sincere. He questions my capacity for loving him. Prior to my infidelity I was not super expressive but he knew that I loved him. He never questioned my love. My choice to cheat and lie for years has forced him to question my love. In the past I didn't bring up my infidelity and he was left to sit in his feelings alone. He always had to bring things up. I now check in with him throughout the day. I ask specific questions. I am no longer defensive and I answer his questions honestly. I put our relationship first - no more focusing on work first. I plan dates and bring up suggestions for things we can do together. I am present in his pain, grateful that he still accepts me in his life and express this gratitude with him.
maxfocs ( new member #78596) posted at 10:16 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021
Disgustedbyme, Excuse the questions, but how old are you both? and how many times have you betrayed him? How? If you don't give us a clearer picture it is difficult to understand and answer you ... However from what you write it seems long and repeated and it seems that the first progress is 7 years after D-Day, it doesn't seem like a good place
disgustedbyme (original poster new member #58046) posted at 1:49 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021
We are both 45 years old. The cliff's notes story is that my father passed away 9 years ago. When he passed I was the executor of his estate. Dealing with his estate led me down a bad rabbit hole. I learned my father had lost all of his money in a ponzi scheme and he had several more DUIs and debts that had to be paid that I knew about. All of this triggered trauma from my childhood; my father had molested me for years and I had never told anyone. I believed that I had coped and worked through it but after his death all of the trauma returned. I began having nightmares again and felt responsible for his abuse. I am not excusing how I dealt with these feelings. What my dad did is on him and how I reacted is 100% on me. I started drinking a lot more and stayed lost in my pain. I met someone through work and we sexted. At the time I felt worthless and sexting made me feel in control. I was out of control with drinking. I stopped paying bills and I started lying to my husband. I was caught and for four years I was a nightmare. I continued to drink, I lost our home and sexted with more people. I was hospitalized for attempting my life. My husband was angry and hurt yet still tried to help. It has been 3 years since I've drank and 4 years since I sexted with anyone. We were doing better as a couple and then a year ago I lied about work. This reset the clock on healing. I have been in counseling several yimes and lied my way through it until the last counselor. I'm not lying anymore and want my marriage to heal. I've put my husband through so much that I fear healing might not be possible.
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 1:52 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021
you might find some help in healing by reading
"Miss America by Day" - easy to find on Amazon
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:03 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021
Reading through this - and very very gently you need to get some serious IC for yourself [and be truthful with this one].
I've put my husband through so much that I fear healing might not be possible.
Perhaps not. I don't know if your marriage can be saved. And your husband's healing [as sucky as it is] is on him. I do know you are someone who has a lot of stuff to unpack. Doing so will help you heal as an individual. That should be your focus.
I wish you all the best.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
bookworm19 ( member #54871) posted at 2:15 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021
Why now? what do you want to achieve and again, why now? What happened now, what changed?
I understand why maxfocs asked about your age, I was curious too. You are much older than I expected from the stuff you are describing you really should get a good therapist to help you deal with the abuse and FOO issues. And trust me I (and most of us, actually) know how hard it is to lose a parent, I lost my mother 2 years ago and my father last year, both quite sudden, but somehow, I still managed to pay my bills. Still don’t get it…
English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...
gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 2:29 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021
And your husband's healing [as sucky as it is] is on him.
PLEASE do NOT take this as "there’s nothing you can do for your husband". There are MANY things you can, and should, be doing for the rest of your life for him.
maxfocs ( new member #78596) posted at 9:03 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021
But why didn't you look for the support you needed (need) in your husband? What was missing in him? What were you looking for in random sex?
[This message edited by maxfocs at 3:04 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]
13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 9:11 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021
Hey, DBM, I'm glad you're here and I'm impressed that you're owning your stuff.
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem
DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:15 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021
He always had to bring things up. I now check in with him throughout the day. I ask specific questions. I am no longer defensive and I answer his questions honestly. I put our relationship first - no more focusing on work first. I plan dates and bring up suggestions for things we can do together. I am present in his pain, grateful that he still accepts me in his life and express this gratitude
Ok so all of those things are good things but it’s like putting wallpaper over a wall that a cannon has blown through. It’s the absolute least you can do.
From what you described, you are an extremely reckless, unreliable, and impulsive person who has repeatedly put your own safety and the physical safety, financial stability, and mental health of others at risk.
Before you can even come close to making your husband feel like he’s loved, he must first feel safe. What are you doing to fix the defects of character and judgement that have brought ruin to yourself and your family? How are you going to address your past trauma in a healthy way?
To start, I think you should try to find a support group for people who have been raised by psychopaths or other Cluster B disorders.
[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:19 AM, August 6th (Friday)]
BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
disgustedbyme (original poster new member #58046) posted at 1:33 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021
I was asked, why now? What do I want to achieve? I've let go of the outcome here and I am looking to live a healthy life. I allowed the abuse from childhood to rule my life. I stayed in that abuse. It's time to heal and move forward. I was selfish and didn't consider the destruction I was causing. I want to heal myself, my husband and our marriage. I understand when you state you don't understand why I stopped paying bills. I had checked out to some extent and ultimately I felt like a failure. I carried the responsibility of the abuse and stopped taking care of my true responsibilities.
Gr8ful - Thank you for stating that there are things that I can and should do for my husband today and for the rest of our lives. I understand that he is responsible for his healing but I 100% have a role in his healing too.
Maxfocs that's a great question - one that my BH has asked countless times. Why didn't I go to him for support. I felt like a fraud. He and I had been together for 20 years and he never knew about or even suspected that my dad had molested me. After my dad died my thoughts drastically changed and I felt responsible for the abuse. Typing that makes me cringe. My thoughts were so wrong yet I believed them. The sexting for me was a way to control the abuse. I was responsible as a kid and now as a 38 year old woman I was in control of being used again. I wasnt flattered, the sexting didn't boost my ego, it left me feeling in control. Thanks 13YearsR. I appreciate your kind words.
disgustedbyme (original poster new member #58046) posted at 1:45 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021
I just saw your response BluerThanBlue. Yes, I have been reckless. Not drinking is the biggest action to help my husband feel safe. Owning my choices is another way to try and give him security. For a couple of years he drove me to and from work because he needed that to feel safe. I typically don't carry any money with me now that I drive to work alone so he knows I won't drink. (I have been sober for 3 years) I recently started a new job and our insurance just kicked in this month. I am looking into IC for me as well as my BH. I spend time in this forum and in a different online discussion board for adults who were molested as children. I read a lot of self help type things on the internet and I meditate before bed. I know there is no moving forward with my husband without him feeling safe. I check in with him and directly ask what he needs in order to feel safe. I know that we have a long road ahead us and express my gratitude to him for staying with me on the journey.